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So online I seem to have no problem receiving positive feedback from guys. When I go out to the gay bars, I NEVER get approached. I am horrible at reading signs and notice guys looking but will not come up to me. How do I make myself more approachable or flirt with guys? I am a horrible flirt and dont have a clue how to do it? Do I wink, bat my eye lashes, toss my hair to the side?? LOL, what do I need to do?

I'm right there with you...

Try the 'simple' approach... "Hey, how's it going?"

Flirting.... TOTALLY EASY!!!

Smile, first and foremost, Smile Smile Smile, big grins, cocked to the side, sly ones, little ones, ones with a twinkle in your eye, a devilish grin... can all be flirtatious!

Laugh, laugh laugh laugh, everything from a chuckle to a hearty belly laugh, guys really like my evil laugh and it totally rocks many guys boats, but thats me, but don't be afraid to laugh at things, many things, your out enjoying your self, so enjoy your self.

Body language, sit back, relax, don't hunch over you drink unless your talking to someone and or you have caught the eye of a hottie, and wanna give the impression your talking about him to your friend as you flick your eyes back and forth from him to your friend..

again, SMILE

try to keep your legs uncrossed, unless your good at being comfortable it can be a little off sometimes for guys who are uncomfortable and shy.

little comments, oh you can say anything, it just in how it's delivered, you can make a guy swoon in so few words when they are honest, upfront and delivered appropriately!

Also, gay men are very timid for the most part, all scared of rejection and hurt, so get some confidence for your self and walk up to them, DON"T DO LINES, gawd I hate when some guy who is unsure does lines, it doesn't work, just introduce your self, ask him if you can buy him a drink, smile, stand tall and proud (but don't be scared to come a little down to his level if he's shorter and things are going well), make a joke about your self, a guy will be immediately on guard and totally freaked that a guy just boldly walked up to him, getting him to laugh about you will set him at ease, shows you aren't "all that" to your self

when your confident and more seasoned you can deliver a line occasionally, do it with a cocky smile, an evil little happy look and in such as way as he knows your making fun and he'll totally get it.

You have a nice body (can't see your face though) so don't be shy, live, if you get knocked back you aren't going to die... SURE you might want to ground to swallow you up but it wont happen so put it aside and get on with it, it's just a no.

Hey,
Thanks for that advice! You are totally right man. It is sooo easy for me to go up to a guy and chat when I am just wanting friendship. When I see a guy I want, I get nervous and am not sure what to say after I ask If I can buy him a drink...nice pants? LOL...I always have a good time when I go out, BUT I am always with friends and maybe that decreases my chances?

inmotion1 saidHey,
Thanks for that advice! You are totally right man. It is sooo easy for me to go up to a guy and chat when I am just wanting friendship. When I see a guy I want, I get nervous and am not sure what to say after I ask If I can buy him a drink...nice pants? LOL...I always have a good time when I go out, BUT I am always with friends and maybe that decreases my chances?

not at all, being with friends should make it easier, you have the support of people who should wanna see you get something you want!

And you can say nice pants it'd be a dorky comment but if he's into you, he'll laugh with you at it!

ask him if he's having fun, he's having a good weekend, does he wanna come back to your table, can I ply you with alcohol until you can steal him away, that you think he's hot (although that last one needs proper delivery)

I've never really paid attention to what we talk about, I just try and keep them smiling and laughing so I'm not much help with topics, I find making people laugh comes pretty easily, I make a ton of jokes about my self and they throw on in on me too which I run off so usually within 15 minutes I got'em talking and laughing with me.

Don't say "I don't usually do this" total knob factor of 10 saying that and regardless of if it's true it just makes you look bad.

Thanks! I will definitely make sure not to say that! LOL...I am always usually wondering if I have the looks to approach guys. You nailed it earlier tho, I am totally afraid of rejection...

lilTanker saidFlirting.... TOTALLY EASY!!!

*snip*

Thanks for the tips.

I've always been told I look mad or serious lol

When you popped out of the womb, you didn't know how to talk, walk, or pee when appropriate. You had to learn those things. It is the same thing with flirting and socializing. Just because you can chat about the weather, walk to a bar all without wetting yourself, doesn't mean that you have spontaneously learned how to tell a guy with your eyes that you want to bang his ass into oblivion.

Tanky gives a lot of good advice. I suggest you go out there and use some of it. You learn how to flirt with practice. Tanky is so good at it my loins get twitchy from a Facebook update. He got that way through trial and error. Put yourself out there. Don't wait to be approached. And communicate that a roll in the hay with you is better than terrible music and well drinks.

I also think it is how you approach a gathering, bar or event. When I go to the bar or event by myself I'm a little bit apprehensive and uptight and people do not approach me. When I go with a friend I am just acting like myself, goofing with the friends, hugging and rib jabbing, numerous people come up to us and we just chat. If someone is off by himself not talking to anyone we invariably go up and introduce ourselves.

I guess I need a wing man. When I'm by myself I feel like everyone is staring at me and I feel conspicuous. There have been times just recently that in the first ten minutes of entering a bar if an acquaintance comes up to me I stammer and can't really carry a thought or conversation. I get flop sweat too...ick.

I had these problem but then I read this book "My Guy: A Gay Man's Guide to a Lasting Relationship." Changed my life. I've met so many new people... guys, girls (not that I was meaning too), and made lots of new friends. Above all its really helped me with my relationship with my Guy.

The Book "Mr Right is Out There" changed my whole outlook on things.

Take an honest inventory of your good points and what makes you uniquely you. Then believe enough in yourself to go out there and say Hi to someone. It's really THAT easy!

I've had very few people be rude to me when I talk to them, and the few who have were either so socially awkward and inept that I wouldn't want to spend time with them, or so in to themselves that they have no time for anyone anyway - so where's the loss?

Even if someone isn't my "type" I will smile and say Hi to them. Who cares? I might make a new friend.

I agree with the poster who wrote that gay men are typically very timid. I agree because I was one once. Make it your party when you go out. If you make others feel welcome, they'll join you. Forget any other agenda than having fun.

Remember - you have a lot to offer, as does anyone. It's how we choose to realize and share it that makes all the difference.

Hmmm.......gay men are very timid.....I wish! Not around here at least. Guys around here in my area they seem to be obscenely straightforward. I'm using the word "obscenely" because pretty much their statements are such. To me it is a real turn off.

TALK. Super easy you just have to talk to people. Anyone, even the fag hags. The more you seem sociable the more guys are going to want to talk to you and find you attractive. When I go out I try to make at least one new friend every time. A lot of gays I know stay with their posse and don't branch out and expect because they are cute or hot or have a great personality that immediately people are going to want to talk to them. Wrong. No ones going to even think about talking to wall paper. So pretty much have fun and TALK. You should get tons of people hitting on you or at least lots of friends.

I think the fear of talking, approaching someone, flirting, etc. comes from fearing rejection while growing up. The closet ensures that we all start from a fearful standpoint. It makes perfect sense, but the only way to get over it is to get over it. That's one of the things I find so refreshing about some of the younger gay guys I've met recently. They came out when they were very young (met one who came out at 12!) and they don't know the fear.

There are 7 billion people on this planet. Who cares what any one of them thinks of you? If someone doesn't like you, move on to the next. If you don't hit it off with the first guy, there's PLENTY more waiting. Fear can be utterly debilitating. The only way to overcome it is to push through. Good luck!

Wow Liltanker. That was fantastic advice. Thanks

Tanker's got some words of wisdom (i will try to implement the eye contact ones tonight when I head out with some friends, LOL)

and the smiling and laughing, it REALLY helps. a happy nature is very encouraging, it makes you open to approach and conversation. i've noticed that smiling and non-guarded posture and body language help you.

You know, I've always felt like the poster as well...

excpet I had it a little different...

Scene: about 5 friends go to a club/bar. We're all having a good time. I make eye contact with a pretty goodlooking guy and he's got a killer smile. So, I smile back.... that's when the problem starts.

I try to find a reason to walk past him, ie. bathroom or pretending to look for someone, and then as I walk by I make sure to acknowledge or say hi or even just stop and ask him if he's seen [person] with a description.

The responses I've ever gotten are:

a.) grab my arm and say "nice guns man" ... and then turn away

b.) 1 word response and his cheeks turn red and he turns back to the friends

or

c.) awkward silence, followed by their hand trying to make it's way to my crotch..


Hah, I just don't know what to expect anymore and I gave up on trying to meet people in clubs/bars. I'm looking forward to some gay events like a fitness group/bootcamp, or a gay picnic. I think there's less pressure there.

MunchingZombie saidWhen you popped out of the womb, you didn't know how to talk, walk, or pee when appropriate. You had to learn those things. It is the same thing with flirting and socializing. Just because you can chat about the weather, walk to a bar all without wetting yourself, doesn't mean that you have spontaneously learned how to tell a guy with your eyes that you want to bang his ass into oblivion.

Tanky gives a lot of good advice. I suggest you go out there and use some of it. You learn how to flirt with practice. Tanky is so good at it my loins get twitchy from a Facebook update. He got that way through trial and error. Put yourself out there. Don't wait to be approached. And communicate that a roll in the hay with you is better than terrible music and well drinks.

lol, why is it always about sex????

lilTanker saidFlirting.... TOTALLY EASY!!!

Ad hominem: with looks like yours, what isn't easy?

Thanks guys for the advice, totally appreciated. I think most of my fear comes from me being out and honest with myself for only about a year. I have messed around with a few guys while in college and then got into a relationship with a guy and never really tested the waters as far as the gay scene is concerned. I am newly single and want to test this new freedom out and am trying to figure out what works and doesnt. Like you guys say only one way to find out...just do it! Haha...I will have to try it out and report back to you guys!!

MunchingZombie saidTanky is so good at it my loins get twitchy from a Facebook update.

ooers now if only you was closer so I could feel it happening

It's true. Tanker can make anyone all twitchy with a few choice words.

To add to what he says, though, being approachable begins from afar, before you're even right there chatting with the guy.

A couple weeks ago, I was trying to teach my roommate to flirt with guys when we went out for dinner and drinks. If you look like you're a fun guy from across a crowded room, guys'll gravitate toward you. We had a drop-dead hot waiter, so I hammed it up with my friends...laughed, grinned and flirted my ass off with everyone at the table, was animated and talkative, and generally was just very 'life of the party'ish. The hot waiter noticed. I hardly spoke or made eye contact with him, save for very briefly but with a laugh or smile at something every time he came by. Later that night, there was a Craigslist 'Missed Connection' about the guy in the yellow tee shirt (me). Whether it was the waiter or another patron is irrelevant...the general undirected affability and approachability itself drew somebody in.

Flirt with your friends, flirt with yourself, flirt with the world at large...and - bingo - you're approachable. And you entertain your friends to boot.

Prepare some irresistible openings.

Walk up to the guy, pretend to measure him, and say, "Yup, it'll take only two Hefty bags for the parts after I dismember you."

Or, throw your drink on him in front of his friends while yelling, "You ruined my sister's life, you bastard! Now she can never have children!"

They'll never forget you.

Just Dance

spin that record baby

oh pfffft shush man, yas gonna gimme a big head.........





Oh... damn

To late!

If I'm wanting to go out and meet someone, I'll make a point to try to talk to everyone in a club. Rather than narrowing down my scope to finding "one guy" to talk to, I'll chat up everyone I can. I don't actually talk to everyone, but I meet lots of people that way, and find myself getting approached in return.

Although, I could try the jprichva school of flirtation....

Or you could just wear Brady's outfit. Combine that with his innocent good looks and...and...and...*swoons*

to flirt with Brady you pin him up against the bar and snog him into submission...

well, that's what I'd do anyway!

:blushes:

Well yeah, go around a club in a jock and pads makes flirting easy: no one is going to turn away from you talking.

Maybe I should get a different style of flirting and follow the advice of liltanker. Then again I've never thrown a drink in someone's face, ala jprichva-esque school of flirting. Choices choices...

Ok, so I already know I'm gonna get blasted for saying this, but two things...

First, I've been told over and over, since I've come out, that most hot guys (and believe me, I consider Inmotion a really hot guy) are self-absorbed and/or high maintenance, so I've steered away from them.

Second, I generally am intimidated by really good looking guys, because all of my life I've gotten the "you're not good looking - no one would ever take you seriously if you approached them" vibes from people. I always felt so unattractive. I've started to feel attractive since I came out two years ago, but old habits die hard.

NOTHING against hot, good looking guys. Not everyone fills the stereotype that has been presented to me, but I have felt some definite "you're not worthy to talk to me" vibes coming from a lot of them.

Any thoughts?

LilTanker, should I stop flirting with boys when I'm only wearing underwear?

BradySF saidLilTanker, should I stop flirting with boys when I'm only wearing underwear?

Hell no, flirt, flirt with everyone, everything, as long as it's fun and your enjoying your self and I get my go

Diesel55 saidOk, so I already know I'm gonna get blasted for saying this, but two things...

First, I've been told over and over, since I've come out, that most hot guys (and believe me, I consider Inmotion a really hot guy) are self-absorbed and/or high maintenance, so I've steered away from them.

Second, I generally am intimidated by really good looking guys, because all of my life I've gotten the "you're not good looking - no one would ever take you seriously if you approached them" vibes from people. I always felt so unattractive. I've started to feel attractive since I came out two years ago, but old habits die hard.

NOTHING against hot, good looking guys. Not everyone fills the stereotype that has been presented to me, but I have felt some definite "you're not worthy to talk to me" vibes coming from a lot of them.

Any thoughts?

depends on what you find hot though, if you are going off the media's representation of what a hot guy is, then your missing out.

The world of hot is broad, I'm not really attracted by guys who are say on covers of mags and so on.. they are attractive but they don't boil the blood for me, having said that, when I find a guy hot it's certainly love to see him spread out on a mag hahaha

from what I see, your a damned handsome man, you aren't model over done kinda guy, more, lets go camping, get dirty and have some fun ;) thats a more attractive quality to me then anything else so I certainly wouldn't hesitate hitting on ya..

the people who constantly claim that "uber hot men are into them self" is a load of bullshit and usually comes from people will lower self esteem or bitter people and never should you feel like a guy is some how out of your reach or ability to capture.

I'm not a modal, not by a long shot, but I've had my share of guys who are, they get the same respect any man does and I treat them like I would any man who gives me the time of day, with respect and aggressive flirting ;) when it comes down to it, a large proportion of guys I've managed to take home do so not because I'm some stud but because I work with what I have, I've a great personality and I'm a lot more upfront in a none arrogant way, I can be fun to be around and I'm not afraid to laugh and be goofy.

Guys aren't all looks based, despite what lots will say, everyone has depth and want a guy who doesn't take them on just there looks and the greater majority of people will respond when you do.

I don't go to clubs much, but when I have and do, I find that amping up your look is a plus. Think, what can I do to stand out in the dark? I'm talking "pop" colors: electric blue, pink, lime, and white at top, a little bling around the waist (I have this awesome rhinestone belt buckle), a nuetral below (TIGHT blue jeans) and a lustrous boot on the feet. The queens and butchies alike are drawn to a colorful dancing man who is out there dancing (even if badly) and confident. I've mentioned I'm a little shy, but you're there to have fun and I do so, which doesn't trigger my shyness and the men do reciprocate....I've caused a couple near fights in my day. Oh yeah, and lose the sleeves, you don't need them.

Personally I usually just spark up a convo and from there whatever happens happens. For nearly three years now nothing has happened but I'm still optimistic (I don't know how).

I agree with what others and my partner have said before. You just need to talk to others and have a good time. This makes you much more approachable. I have never had a problem attracting men on nights where I am enjoying myself. On nights where I sink to the background, well... I just end up staying there. Don't be a wallflower. Enjoy yourself.

Is a quality guy really going to be at any bars?

Jmuscle33 saidIs a quality guy really going to be at any bars?

1) Do you think of yourself as "quality"?
2) Do you go to bars?

I think almost everyone goes to the bars from time to time... I'd be more apt to be interested in finding those guys that are just there once in awhile, but then, I'm not there often enough to know who the "regulars" are.

liltanker! excellent advice

eventually after countless nights alone I realized to never wait for someone to come up to you, make the first move...or just waste the night away!

k2fatboard said

Jmuscle33 saidIs a quality guy really going to be at any bars?

1) Do you think of yourself as "quality"?
2) Do you go to bars?

I think almost everyone goes to the bars from time to time... I'd be more apt to be interested in finding those guys that are just there once in awhile, but then, I'm not there often enough to know who the "regulars" are.

I met all of my ex's in bars.....what's the problem??

I've been told I am unapproachable.

Timberoo saidI've been told I am unapproachable.

Oh you're not unapproachable Tim.......that's not your problem. Your problem is only that you're spoken for! If it were otherwise, you'd be approachable and repeatedly approached!

I've been through the same thing, until one day I asked my friend and he told me "you look serious, the kind of guy that's cold or at least would give off a sarcastic comment and say no. smile a little, wedsday addams". sad part is, that's SO not me. if anything i'm the complete opposite


so I tried tanker's advice, and it worked. . its true though, flirting and socialising is something you learn, and something new at this point, especially that i'm gay (no one teaches you how to flirt between sexes). it's one of those things you have to pick up over the years

Jockbod48 said

Timberoo saidI've been told I am unapproachable.

Oh you're not unapproachable Tim.......that's not your problem. Your problem is only that you're spoken for! If it were otherwise, you'd be approachable and repeatedly approached!

you're too sweet

Yeah, I have the same problem. Then again I'm really really really timid and I'm way too shy to just go up to a guy that I think is good lookin and say hello. Maybe that's why people think I'm unapproachable. *shrug*

NO GUYS LIKE ME I'M UGLY

LOL

Soulasphyxi saidYeah, I have the same problem. Then again I'm really really really timid and I'm way too shy to just go up to a guy that I think is good lookin and say hello. Maybe that's why people think I'm unapproachable. *shrug*

NO GUYS LIKE ME I'M UGLY

LOL

*rolls eyes* lord, shall I bitch slap you child?

lilTanker said

Soulasphyxi saidYeah, I have the same problem. Then again I'm really really really timid and I'm way too shy to just go up to a guy that I think is good lookin and say hello. Maybe that's why people think I'm unapproachable. *shrug*

NO GUYS LIKE ME I'M UGLY

LOL

*rolls eyes* lord, shall I bitch slap you child?

The right one because the left is my pretty side

lilTanker said

Soulasphyxi saidYeah, I have the same problem. Then again I'm really really really timid and I'm way too shy to just go up to a guy that I think is good lookin and say hello. Maybe that's why people think I'm unapproachable. *shrug*

NO GUYS LIKE ME I'M UGLY

LOL

*rolls eyes* lord, shall I bitch slap you child?

LMAO. lilTanker your so full of wisdom.

liltanker, thanks, you're sweet to say that about me. If I lived in New South Wales, I'd be all over your ass like white on rice! WOOF!

Soulasphyxi,

First, your soul is asphyxiated??? LET GO -- Believe me, life will go by way too fast, and soon you'll be as old as me, and wonder what happened to your life. I was fortunate enough to get a second chance, and I'm 14 again (wish I knew then what I know now-- youth is wasted on the young!).

Second, you are HOT as fuck! It's all about how you carry yourself -- my BF taught me that, and has my life ever changed! I'm gonna help Liltanker bitch slap you for thinking you are ugly.

Big thing that everyone needs to understand is that everyone has different tastes. Honestly, my tastes have not jelled yet. I like a lot of different kinds of guys. Take my word for it -- guys are going home, after seeing you or meeting you, and beating off thinking about you, whether you think so or not. Many are wishing they could have you for a partner.

Don't think of guys as potential hookups or partners. Just think of them as people who may become a friend. That's all you need.