In need of RJ expert advice!

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 25, 2009 10:15 PM GMT
    Hey guys,
    You guys provided tons of great feedback and advice on my last forum, so I thought I would post another icon_biggrin.gif. My ex broke up with me in May of this year. We talk and continued to have sex for a while after until I decided to stop communication with him. He is not my first sexual partner but the first guy I fell for really hard. I want to know what you guys have done to forget about your ex and move on! Its been long enough and I dont care to keep thinking about him. I find that I am comparing myself to him i.e. # of sexual partners he has had compared to me, he is a lawyer I only have my bachelors degree, in my mind he is getting every hot guy out there and they all want him..LOL. I will admit, I am a bit of a mess right now and need some advice on how to get it together! Looking forward to it!
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    Oct 25, 2009 10:25 PM GMT
    relax, take your time, you'll get advice about the best way to get over one is to get under one..

    I'm not partial to that personally, however, let it happen, you obviously cared for the guy but you made the right decision in deciding to not continue with the sex and so forth..

    So now, give it time, you'll stop all that other bullshit your head is doing as you work out the crap your heads been left with.
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    Oct 25, 2009 10:31 PM GMT
    Thanks liltanker! You give great advice! Its hard because my friends and I go to the same places that he goes to. There are really only a few chill gay bars in the PHX area and well, he happens to go to the same ones. I would hate to see him with another guy and even worse one better looking than me! LOL, I laugh because I know this sounds ridiculous but I cant stop these thoughts!
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    Oct 25, 2009 10:42 PM GMT
    na it's not ridiculous mate I think most men go through the same thing as you especially the first few times there hearts are broken.

    If you can't avoid him at the clubs, might try not going for a while or going to the ones he doesn't visit, just until you've settled down and can be more relaxed around him.

    However when you see him with a new guy, it's going to sting for just a little no matter how long you try to wait, but hopefully it doesn't last for long (the pain that his, not the guy he's with)
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    Oct 26, 2009 1:08 PM GMT
    I'm not sure if not seeing him is the best strategy. I know many guys here would disagree but by not seeing him you are building him up to be bigger than he is. It also makes it difficult for you to understand these feelings. If you saw him regularly, perhaps without sex, you will be able to see how good a friend he could or could not be. If you do see him, don't just get together, go do something like a hike or bike ride of a visit to a cultural event. If you just get together to talk your emotions will get the better of you.

    If he can't be a good friend then he can't be your lover. If that is the case then it is your physical/sexual attraction that is driving these feelings and not something deeper. If it IS deeper, that is if you think he would make a great friend, then you should not turn to the opportunity to have a loyal lifelong friend. As he becomes more friend and less lover the desire to have sex with him fades because he begins to feel more like a brother and less like a lover.

    You also HAVE to stop comparing yourself to him or anyone else. I realize it is human nature to be competitive but you must measure your accomplishments and goals relative to where you are and where you are going in life and not relative to someone else's journey. It is a recipe for low self esteem and insecurity to compare yourself to others.

    During this period of particularly high emotional volatility I would refrain from gay bars. You can still hang out with your friends in coffee shops and restaurants or go to movies with them. Rather than searching for a rebound replacement when your emotions are still bouncing around, I would find a new hobby or spend more time on an existing one. My hobbies have been my steady source of happiness and sense of accomplishment. These days it usually comes down to my outdoor athletic pursuits but you could also try something more intellectual like a book club, or learning to speak a foreign language. Starting in my late 20s I took up the hobby of learning foreign languages and eventually became fluent in two and conversant in one more. I thought I would spend the rest of my life learning new languages but I hit a motivational road block a while back. I still use these languages when I travel and it has changed my perspective of the world. I have friendships in all three languages I speak fluently, including a life long friend that I met when I could barely speak Spanish and he speaks no English. A healthy hobby will bring with it so many surprising benefits to your lifestyle. What is more, lovers can leave you, bosses can fire you, but no one can take away your hobbies.

    There is so much to see in this world. There is so much to do in life. It is up to you to decide whether to continue to communicate with him but I do hope you consider my advice about self-enrichment through a healthy hobby. You are entering your best years and you can't let an emotional crisis slow you down.

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    Oct 26, 2009 7:24 PM GMT
    inmotion1 said...I want to know what you guys have done to forget about your ex and move on! Its been long enough and I dont care to keep thinking about him...

    What's always worked well for me is the old adage, that the best way to forget an old love is with a new love. So get back into the game, date and maybe find another BF.

    Of course, the downside is the "rebound effect" where you might get involved with a guy not really your type, that you later come to regret. Fortunately that's not happened to me, but it does to some, so just be aware of it, make sure your emotional judgment is functioning normally before making any serious new long-term commitment.

    But at the same time, some casual dating is, in my opinion, a great way to get back to normal more quickly. And before long you're confident enough to take the plunge again, if the right guy comes along. Good luck!
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    Oct 26, 2009 7:45 PM GMT
    Not that I have a lot of experience in this area. I have only had three serious relationships, and one in particular that was tough to get over, which was my last one.

    What helped me was just cooling it first off, and then evaluating my life and what I truly, realistically want in my next relationship. I want the next one to be the last one, so some self-evaluation and improvement is in order, but also, I realized my priorities have changed which meant really exploring who I want to be with.

    I started with the improvements that I wanted to make to myself for me. If you want to be in a successful relationship, you have to start with being the person you'd want to date. Friends are a great resource too to help you get the process underway. Part of it for me was tossing out a TON of personal baggage, garbage and wreckage that past dating, past relationships, and painful past memories had left within me. I went all the way back to High School and just let this crap go. I'm not perfect, nobody is, but when you just make the decision to let go and make your life as great as it can be, one day at a time - you start feeling better immediately.

    Since then I've also re-evaluated the kind of guy I want to share my life with. Things that used to be priorities aren't even on the list anymore. Without going into too much detail I place confidence and affection near the top of my list. I can see now why things failed with the last one and I learned to stop blaming myself.

    Finally I have determined to embark on a journey of wellness as opposed to just trying to get myself ripped in hopes of attracting someone. I did that before, but was really not doing so great inside. For me, wellness is based on four foundations, physical, mental, spiritual and sexual. I work on improving myself a little each day. My goal is to be the "total package" when it comes to wellness and attitude.

    Never underestimate the liberating power of "So what?" either. When those feelings that your ex may be chasing hot guys or being chased by them (probably neither of which are true) ask yourself "So what?" Why should your ex and things out of your control be allowed to derail your happiness?

    You are a very fit, seemingly attractive and intelligent guy. There is someone out there who will appreciate you and be thankful for you. If you make yourself the priority you may find him sooner than you think!
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    Oct 27, 2009 2:58 AM GMT
    Thanks for the advice guys! Really appreciate all your feedback!icon_biggrin.gif Hopefully all these irrational thoughts will no longer exist soon!
  • me35mtl

    Posts: 306

    Oct 27, 2009 3:47 AM GMT
    THere was only one time i had a hard time getting over someone..
    To be honest i sometimes think you could never get over someone you really cared about no matter how you try.
    But the key is to always look ahead and not back..
    Stop comparing others to your ex because they are not him and its not fair to them or you because you will really miss out on a good guy.
    It took me months getting over someone, but i just started to focus on me and everytime i thought about him, i would replace it with memories of why it wouldnt have worked out.
    And eventually i met guys or even had crushes that showed me there is so much more out there for me. All i have to do is make a choice: Do i live in the past and make the same mistakes, or do i move on to better days ;)
  • davidnta

    Posts: 86

    Oct 27, 2009 4:00 AM GMT
    I believe in the relational communication research, it shows that most people get over their ex after an average of 6 months of thinking about him and not communicating with him.

    One of my best friends (who was also my thesis adviser) went through a break up while I was in my MA program, and what he did was spend time with friends, worked on his hobbies/interest, and not date (for 6 months). It seemed to work for him, and how he's happy in his current relationship with no baggage.

    So it just takes time is my advice. Be patient and find something interesting to do icon_smile.gif
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    Oct 27, 2009 4:00 AM GMT
    Time heals all wounds.... lame but true, keep busy with things you enjoy.
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    Oct 27, 2009 4:31 AM GMT
    There are some great websites out there that outline the rules to follow when going through a breakup. The easiest way around it, is to go straight through it. It hurts and it sucks, but one of the things I had to tell myself was that there are plenty of people out there who have suffered from a broken heart and moved on. I felt less alone during the process by just keeping that thought. Just comfort yourself with the knowledge that the pain will not last forever. Just allow yourself to feel everything, from the anger to the pain. Denying those feelings, will only prolong your suffering.

    Most things I've read recommend a period of NO CONTACT. This is a time for you to emotionally disconnect and re-create your own life as a single person. Don't worry about whether or not you will be friends with him, you have to focus on yourself. It's also a time of self discovery. Whatever the cause of your breakup, it's a time to reflect back on mistakes that were made and forgive yourself for them. Things didn't work out for a reason. Be kind to yourself during this process, we all are just human. Look at it as a time to grow. Without growth you run the risk of carrying the same issues and this baggage in to the next relationship.

    I'm 3 months out of a 10.5 year relationship.
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    Oct 27, 2009 5:03 AM GMT
    Here's what you SHOULD do

    1. Eat ice-cream, pizza, whatever stuff with high calories
    2. Rent romantic movies
    3. Go over his photos/facebook and think how hot he is.
    4. Think about the good times you spend with him
    5. Think about how stupid you are to let him go
    6. Think about the hot guys he's dating right now.
    7. Pass by his house many times so that you can see a glimpse of him
    8. Think about what you did wrong.
    9. Cry your eyeballs out.
    10. Call him, text him, send him emails and msg saying you are sorry.
    11. Beg him to take you back.
    12. Hide in your room and blow off all your friends.
    13. If you have done all of these things, then you are ready to move on my friend.

    Forget about people in the past, there's a reason why they are not in your present, now go do SOMETHING.
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    Oct 27, 2009 5:12 AM GMT
    Thanks everyone (except for the last comment) not sure what happened with that. You guys are great!
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    Oct 27, 2009 5:14 AM GMT
    It means that instead of taking in advice, go through the cycle yourself, experience and THEN you can really move on. Otherwise, they are just words.
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    Oct 27, 2009 5:28 AM GMT
    OK, I stole this from an ex's Mom who was a Hollywood studio functionary (vague official position)(lol) in the 40's and an old time whore lol Her advice (bad or good as it might be) is "The best way to get over a man is to get under a new one" OK in reality not literally but shit no one dudes has it all and you're fooling yourself if there's not a great guy in every town you couldn't fall for. If he has moved on you had better too. We all remember the first couple crushing relationship break ups bud. We are still standing. Good luck to ya. Kev
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    Oct 27, 2009 5:50 AM GMT
    Mine was a great looking man with a masters from Oxford and wealthy to boot - I felt like a worm, or lower. I was miserable for a year.
    Hit the gym - get a haircut - grow a beard - buy some clothes - go on a divorce vacation.
    I worked out like crazy, got really serious with the diet, got a new haircut - Get some guys to notice you - that helps. You are still in the game - Looking good is the best revenge icon_twisted.gif
    We are friends now and I promise you that although I treasure him, we were not a good couple - so it was all for the best.
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    Oct 27, 2009 7:02 AM GMT
    Consider it an educating life experience and try to get a nice rebound relationship.... I know it doesn't sound like the smartest advice, but it's usually the best way to get over someone fast. Well, you risk to fall in love with the next guy, but that might not be that bad.... icon_biggrin.gif
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    Oct 28, 2009 5:51 AM GMT
    The funny thing is...in college I never thought I would ever be in a relationship. I like dating, having sex with here and there and didnt have a care in the world about what others thought of me. I meet this guy that I wasnt 100 percent attracted to, and now I cant get him out of my mind! LOL...what the hell happened?? I am getting much better and all of your advice totally helps! I have gone on some dates and had sex with a few guys, but not really quality, just out to do whatever. Not really such a good idea...I know I will totally find some guy out there that will be just as crazy about me as I about him...I just need to figure out where he is hiding! icon_biggrin.gif
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    Oct 28, 2009 6:03 AM GMT
    fulldelight saidConsider it an educating life experience and try to get a nice rebound relationship.... I know it doesn't sound like the smartest advice, but it's usually the best way to get over someone fast. Well, you risk to fall in love with the next guy, but that might not be that bad.... icon_biggrin.gif


    Is that how you end up sleeping with a married man who sleeps with a different boy a night?
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    Oct 28, 2009 6:12 AM GMT
    Love is part of the human nature and as everything in nature, it has an end. If animals or flowers die.. Love dies too.. eventually...

    It is concerning that you say you keep thinking of other men all over him rather than saying you miss the good times.. it seems like obsession, that feels almost the same as love.