The next best thing?

  • danisnotstr8

    Posts: 2579

    Oct 26, 2009 12:48 AM GMT
    I have been a little down lately. I'm on all sorts of online dating sites, but it seems like no one really fits what I'm looking for. Everything I want lives in New York or Chicago.

    Having said this, I should add that I'm not very far from New York at all. But in New York City, just ask anybody (and of course there are exceptions) but there are so many choices that most of these guys will never stop bouncing around. Oh, and for you NYC boys: Why is the Hudson River like a big Iron Curtain to you? Plenty of nice guys over here in Jersey.

    OK, so my roommate claims that there's an online dating "disease." She says that when you're on dating websites, there seem to be so many options that most people end up never giving anyone a second chance because the "next best thing" might actually be "the one."

    I explained that I have a very different problem (not enough choices!) but she thinks that I need to start giving people a chance even if they don't fit into my list of particulars.

    The other choice is to go live in a gay ghetto like Chelsea, where you can meet guys anywhere. But then you end up with the same problem: There's always someone hotter, smarter, sexier, with more potential... blah blah blah.

    So, I've resolved to start opening my mind. I've written some very nice notes on Connexion to people everywhere between Princeton and NYC, and of some 20-something emails I've only received 1 reply. That seemed a little weird. I started to think that people are just looking for entertainment, or a quick fix, or something that doesn't require any commitment.... I dunno.

    Is online dating (as well as the gay ghetto phenomenon) ruining our potential for lasting relationships? Do all these "options" keep us addicted to the chase? Am I just being an idiot? Uggh... methinks this is going to be a lonely winter.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 26, 2009 1:32 AM GMT
    I seek potential, not perfection in a guy.

    Keep it simple. If you have a laundry list of traits you "require" in a guy, then you're destined to a life of short term relationships. Or total loneliness.
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    Oct 26, 2009 1:51 AM GMT

    Quietly continue to persevere, danisnotstr8t, play the odds; the more people you get to know the more likely the possibility of a great connection happening with one of the many you meet. Online or otherwise. icon_wink.gif
  • danisnotstr8

    Posts: 2579

    Oct 26, 2009 2:56 AM GMT
    jprichva saidOr buy a caftan, cultivate your eccentricities, call yourself "Miss Daniel" and give up.


    LMFAO!! Nice. (Are you spying on me?)
  • creature

    Posts: 5197

    Oct 26, 2009 3:57 AM GMT
    Danisnotstr8,

    I thought you commented favorably towards Dan Savage arguing against finding the "perfect" man. Heed your friend's advice. This is not to say you cannot have a list of requirements (i.e. finding someone who wants kids), but try not to make it an extensive list.

    The notion that there is someone hotter, smarter, sexier just around the corner is not a problem of the dating world — it is your problem (not "you" in particular, but in the general sense). You need to appreciate the good thing you found. You will end up alone if you keep on chasing after "hotter, smarter, sexier..."

    And yes there are a lot of people online looking for the quick fix. That's not a surprise. If that is not your thing, keeping on looking because there are decent, well-meaning guys online who are looking for a substantial relationship. If your search yields zero positive results, take a temporary break.

    Who knows, you may even find someone when and where you least expect it.
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    Oct 26, 2009 4:05 AM GMT
    danisnotstr8 --- are you sure your not living somewhere out in in Southwestern Virginia? How can it be difficult to find guys there near NYC when they are as numerous as the number of trees out here in these mountains. Send some out here !!! I'll send you some trees in return !!! LOL !!!
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    Oct 26, 2009 4:33 AM GMT
    danisnotstr8There's always someone hotter, smarter, sexier, with more potential... blah blah blah


    Maybe it's not about finding the best that you can get....but more about being committed to that one special person...unconditionally...even if some "hotter, smarter, sexier, with more potential..." guy comes along.
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    Oct 26, 2009 4:38 AM GMT
    Mmmm, I don't know. I really never thought I'd meet my one true love (LOL I sound like a Disney Movie) off a dating website.

    I'm looking for someone to date, but I don't find myself to be very particular. That's probably a really bad thing. icon_lol.gif

    Ahahaha.... I laugh like that's funny... ohh.... oh.....
  • danisnotstr8

    Posts: 2579

    Oct 26, 2009 4:44 AM GMT
    creature saidDanisnotstr8,

    I thought you commented favorably towards Dan Savage arguing against finding the "perfect" man. Heed your friend's advice. This is not to say you cannot have a list of requirements (i.e. finding someone who wants kids), but try not to make it an extensive list.



    Well, if you take a look at what I wrote... I am not looking for perfection! I'm looking for someone who works for me. We all know the perfect eleven doesn't exist. And, as I've said, I've been writing notes and branching out, etc... but it just feels like people find it very easy to

    1) Ignore
    2) Find a point to contend with in my profile and bring attention to it without even knowing my name
    3) Claim that 25 miles is too far

    Ugh. My list of requirements is not so difficult to meet. Many guys on this site meet them.

  • danisnotstr8

    Posts: 2579

    Oct 26, 2009 4:59 AM GMT
    So... I am really interested in your opinions about online dating... and this idea that there's always another pic to hit on if the one you're with isn't a perfect eleven.

    I posted a bit of my mind so that you would have a frame of reference... but I would love to know if you think this way as well.
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    Oct 26, 2009 5:02 AM GMT
    I may be crazy or off my rocker, but is just me, or do things like "hot, smart and sexy" actually become detractors for finding someone you want to spend the rest of your life with? I know that I know what genuine love feels like, and the outer shell that encompasses everything intangible a person really is becomes so damn irrelevant when you get to the level of truly loving them.

    I think that may be why dating sites, this one included, aren't all that conducive to something genuine and lasting, all you see is the packaging. Even when you email and "get to know" someone online, it's still packaging.
  • creature

    Posts: 5197

    Oct 26, 2009 5:43 AM GMT
    Okay, so you're not looking for perfection. But your mention of the problem of Chelsea that there is always going to be someone "hotter, smarter, sexier" gives the illusion that you are. After all, why are you paying attention to what is out there if you've got yourself a good man at home? After looking at your profile, it appears you don't want guys from there. I don't know what a Chelsea guy is, so let's move on...

    I'm sure the pursuit is frustrating, but do you think the guy who would be a good match for you would ignore you? Would he nitpick details on your profile? Or how about claim 25 miles is too far? Look at this experience with an optimistic view — you discovered several guys who are not worth your time.

    Anyways, best of luck in finding someone.
  • bottomline

    Posts: 331

    Oct 26, 2009 5:45 AM GMT
    xrichx saidI seek potential, not perfection in a guy.

    Keep it simple. If you have a laundry list of traits you "require" in a guy, then you're destined to a life of short term relationships. Or total loneliness.


    I like that
  • danisnotstr8

    Posts: 2579

    Oct 26, 2009 5:46 AM GMT
    creature saidOkay, so you're not looking for perfection. But your mention of the problem of Chelsea that there is always going to be someone "hotter, smarter, sexier" gives the illusion that you are. After all, why are you paying attention to what is out there if you've got yourself a good man at home? After looking at your profile, it appears you don't want guys from there. I don't know what a Chelsea guy is, so let's move on...

    I'm sure the pursuit is frustrating, but do you think the guy who would be a good match for you would ignore you? Would he nitpick details on your profile? Or how about claim 25 miles is too far? Look at this experience with an optimistic view — you discovered several guys who are not worth your time.

    Anyways, best of luck in finding someone.


    Ahhh... I think I wasn't clear in my original post.

    I'm not saying that I would be the one looking for the next best thing. It's the chelsea boys that are.
  • creature

    Posts: 5197

    Oct 26, 2009 5:54 AM GMT
    I see. I was about to edit my response, thinking you were mocking the guys from there, and it looks like you were.

    I used to dismiss relationships formed online (whether it was romantic, or one of friendship). I never it took it seriously. But a lot of strong bonds have been formed, long-lasting ones too. So I'm quite certain a sustainable relationship can be had from online dating. And if you are branching out, as you said, I'm sure you will meet your special guy.
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    Oct 26, 2009 6:06 AM GMT
    I'm having the same problem. Who knows what these people are thinking?You make a date to meet for a cup of coffee - JUST a cup of coffee and they blow you off without a call, text or email. I don't even know if I have any standards/requirements left - just show up for the frigging coffee! or call! or just say you're not interested!
    Anyway I've decided to go for the caftan..................(and a collection of MENS dinner rings)

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    Oct 26, 2009 6:16 AM GMT
    I think a lot of guys are using sites like these to cam with other guys, have some chat & mutual masturbation and then move on to the next adventure/conquest... going through the trouble of meeting for coffee? That seems like a hell of a commitment. You can usually spot the serial cammers by the hundreds of guys they have listed as buds & "hots." Friendship is more of a facade. P.S. Don't tell anyone I said this, but many of the guys on here for cams already have boyfriends/husbands/significant others...shhh !!...icon_idea.gif
    Sites like these are seriously impacting meeting guys for real...I'd gladly meet Jawr for a cup...now if he didn't live so far...
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Oct 26, 2009 6:51 AM GMT
    Okay.
    I looked at your profile, and besides being very good looking, you had everything going for you until I got to this:

    "And I'll tell you what I'm not looking for:"

    Your list of what you're not looking for makes you sound like a pretentious snob. I'm not saying that you are. It's just extremely negative, and I suspect that it turns off a lot of guys. And, I'm not saying that I disagree with your dislikes, either.

    If I were you, I would delete that entire section and make a list of the qualities that you ARE looking for in a guy.

    I think that you're a prize.
    Just be friendly and positive about what you have to offer and what you want in a guy.

    BTW, I think that guys had a lot more success finding "Mr. Right" before we all parked ourselves in front of our computers and refused to leave the house. Just sayin'.
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    Oct 26, 2009 7:03 AM GMT
    My Little poem:

    I met a guy....
    he's not like me.....
    we are both really different.....

    I met this guy.......
    who just like's me....
    we get along and have some fun

    I met this guy.....
    he touches me.....
    hold's me tight and rubs my back.....

    I met this guy....
    he's not muscular & not a model....
    he's kind and supports me in my ideals...

    I met this guy...
    who looks at me with loving eyes
    smart, funny and sexual....

    I met this guy.....
    he like's me for me and I like him for him.....
    It feels good to me...

    I met this guy.....
    what more could I ask for?
    I know he could love me forever!

    I am going to give this poem to him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 26, 2009 7:14 AM GMT
    Oh Mystic, Thank-You !!!! icon_wink.gif
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    Oct 26, 2009 7:27 AM GMT
    Webster666 saidOkay.
    I looked at your profile, and besides being very good looking, you had everything going for you until I got to this:

    "And I'll tell you what I'm not looking for:"

    Your list of what you're not looking for makes you sound like a pretentious snob. I'm not saying that you are. It's just extremely negative, and I suspect that it turns off a lot of guys. And, I'm not saying that I disagree with your dislikes, either.

    If I were you, I would delete that entire section and make a list of the qualities that you ARE looking for in a guy.

    Yeah, have to agree with Web on this one. I thought exactly the same thing about you. Big turnoff. You have no idea what my life is like. You have no right to judge me or anyone else, for that matter. icon_wink.gif
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    Oct 26, 2009 10:08 AM GMT
    bigmusclepete said
    Webster666 saidOkay.
    I looked at your profile, and besides being very good looking, you had everything going for you until I got to this:

    "And I'll tell you what I'm not looking for:"

    Your list of what you're not looking for makes you sound like a pretentious snob. I'm not saying that you are. It's just extremely negative, and I suspect that it turns off a lot of guys. And, I'm not saying that I disagree with your dislikes, either.

    If I were you, I would delete that entire section and make a list of the qualities that you ARE looking for in a guy.

    Yeah, have to agree with Web on this one. I thought exactly the same thing about you. Big turnoff. You have no idea what my life is like. You have no right to judge me or anyone else, for that matter. icon_wink.gif


    Dan, I have to DISAGREE with Big Muscle Pete and Webster on this. Your profile makes you seem like an ideal guy. The part where you describe what you're not looking for is very reasonable. You list 3 deal-breakers and none of them are trivial bullshit, they're all very important points. That's well within Dan Savage's rules of 5 max and they can't be trivial. It doesn't make you sound like a pretentious snob - it makes you sound like you have a brain. If the potential dates out there would be turned off by this, it's much better to get it out in the open right away and avoid bad dates.

    I used to go out with a guy who had music degrees from Oberlin and CWRU, by the way. But I'm sure you wouldn't know him; he's about 15 years older than you.

    Good luck to you. I'm sure there are many great guys out there trying to meet someone just like you.
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    Oct 26, 2009 11:02 AM GMT
    I don't know about anyone else, but everytime I meet someone and feel there is a chance I give it my best shot. But later if it seems like it won't work I move on. Whether its online dating or meeting someone in person not much changes for me. Am pretty sure there are a lot of guys who think like you in Jersey but its a bit difficult to find those as most of them are usually gone icon_sad.gif
  • Parker817

    Posts: 359

    Oct 26, 2009 11:44 AM GMT
    danisnotstr8 saidOh, and for you NYC boys: Why is the Hudson River like a big Iron Curtain to you? Plenty of nice guys over here in Jersey.


    About two months ago I was on Match.com and worked up the balls to ask this kid from Manhattan out for a drink. He told me he was looking for someone "more local." I live in Hoboken, a PATH stop away from the City. WTF?
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    Oct 26, 2009 11:58 AM GMT
    Like most, I had my list of "must have's" and fortunately met many people who met the requirements. Unfortunately for one reason or another things did not work out with these guys. I have found myself having to open up to the possibilities and not expect my definition of perfection. Don't get me wrong... there are still some deal breakers but there are a lot of good guys out there and it takes a little time to get to know them.

    I do agree that a gay ghetto and the internet are not helping matters. As you said there always seems to be someone better. Reality we all have our neuroses (sp?) and need to work at being more accepting of people in general. As we all know there will not always be "chemistry" at the first meeting but I have had chemistry develop as I have gotten to know someone.

    As far as the Hudson River divide....It goes both ways. I met a guy who lived in Jersey City and offered to take the path train to have dinner with him if he could pick me up at the train. That was inconvenient. More convenient for him to come into the city. Whatever....