Stuck on a guy

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 26, 2009 7:14 PM GMT
    Hey everyone, first post here and hoping i can get some advice on how to get over a guy.

    So I met this guy earlier this year through a friend and we went out on a couple of dates. I got really into him, but then he stopped answering my emails and started avoiding me whenever i ran into him. Its clear that he doesnt want anything to do with me and probably thinks i'm pathetic, and i know its stupid for me to obsess about him, but he just did it for me in SO many ways. Physically he's everything I want, but there's more. We have a lot of common interests, he's fun to be around, he's sweet and has huge number of friends, something i dont have. I can't get over him. I keep looking at his stupid fb page, and my heart pounds every time he posts something new.

    I REALLY REALLY know that nothing is going to happen and i need to move on. A big part of me just doesnt want to. When I see other guys, I find myself comparing them to him, and no one can compete. How can I get over him???? I see him around school, so I cant really avoid him completely.
  • coolarmydude

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    Oct 26, 2009 9:11 PM GMT
    Tell him that if he's a decent person, he can at least be honest with you and that you're a big boy and can handle the truth.
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Oct 26, 2009 9:14 PM GMT
    Give yourself time. I have felt that way before and wondered when I would ever get over "that" guy. Time seems to heal all wounds, one day you will turn around and there will be this guy that actually has everything you're looking for, and even some things you didn't even know you liked. I'm not saying it will be a fairy tale, but it will happen.
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    Oct 26, 2009 9:18 PM GMT
    Celticmusl saidGive yourself time. I have felt that way before and wondered when I would ever get over "that" guy. Time seems to heal all wounds, one day you will turn around and there will be this guy that actually has everything you're looking for, and even some things you didn't even know you liked. I'm not saying it will be a fairy tale, but it will happen.


    Stop lying to the guy. In all probability it won't

    Give it time. Try not to think about him. The feelings will lessen. Keep your mind active with other stuff
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    Oct 26, 2009 9:21 PM GMT
    coolarmydude saidTell him that if he's a decent person, he can at least be honest with you and that you're a big boy and can handle the truth.


    I agree with coolarmydude. If he was a decent person he would gather the guts to be honest with you. Thats something he could do for you. I find it more painful when someone just avoids you and beat around the bush to get to the point because you start wondering and it drives you crazy why they are doing that. But for now its gonna take some time for you to heal and I find running helps because your going to need all the endorphin you can get. lol.jk.... but it does help. And I agree with celticmusl, he has a good point too.
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    Oct 26, 2009 9:31 PM GMT
    I agree w/this one. Just don't press him...

    coolarmydude saidTell him that if he's a decent person, he can at least be honest with you and that you're a big boy and can handle the truth.
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    Oct 26, 2009 9:46 PM GMT
    Wish i could help but I going through the same problem
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    Oct 26, 2009 9:52 PM GMT
    coolarmydude saidTell him that if he's a decent person, he can at least be honest with you and that you're a big boy and can handle the truth.


    Damn I wish he had done that. I've done that with guys, just a simple, look I'm not interested in you in that way, but can we just be friends? But this guy just went cold on me and stopped answering emails or even making eye contact with me when i saw him. i think he was dating someone else, but hell at least have the courtesy to be honest and answer a goddam email, especially when he was the one who asked me out again after our first date. so I'm stuck reading tea leaves every time I run into him. If he had just told me to go away i'd be over him my now. Its happened before, you just wake up one morning and realize that you dont have the urge to think about it anymore cause its not gonna happen anyway. been reading alot about narcissistic guys and i think he's one of them

    Celticmusl saidTime seems to heal all wounds, one day you will turn around and there will be this guy that actually has everything you're looking for, and even some things you didn't even know you liked. I'm not saying it will be a fairy tale, but it will happen.


    Funny, thats how it was with this guy. Just came out of the blue and before i knew what hit me i was into activities i never thought about doing before. i guess its why i'm still so hung up on him
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Oct 26, 2009 10:02 PM GMT
    Blondizgd said
    Celticmusl saidGive yourself time. I have felt that way before and wondered when I would ever get over "that" guy. Time seems to heal all wounds, one day you will turn around and there will be this guy that actually has everything you're looking for, and even some things you didn't even know you liked. I'm not saying it will be a fairy tale, but it will happen.


    Stop lying to the guy. In all probability it won't

    Give it time. Try not to think about him. The feelings will lessen. Keep your mind active with other stuff


    It has happened to me, maybe I'm just a fool for love. I'm not saying it will be a fairy tale happy ending, I am saying if he is foolish like me, he will fall in love again.
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    Oct 26, 2009 10:05 PM GMT
    It's never really easy to get over someone that you find a real attraction to. Certainly I have been in this situation before, and perhaps will be again someday.

    It may be a matter of closure as much as anything. When some of us meet someone we find attractive and engaging, it can trigger something emotionally deep within, which to the best of my experience, is our ability to love. Some try to suppress that to protect themselves from what you're describing here, only to end up bitter because of their insecurity.

    If this guy went on two dates with you, ask yourself this. "How well does he KNOW the real you?" In two dates was he able to get to know all about you and to appreciate you for the human being you are? Chances are that he didn't and couldn't - therefore this rejection is either superficial if it has anything to do with you (I suspect it does not) or is more likely due to him being unavailable.

    You mentioned that he has a huge circle of friends. I know several guys like him. For whatever reason, they tend to value their friends more than a significant other in their life. One in particular has to live in a fishbowl of people and he doesn't want a significant other because he sees that as not allowing him to be there for his friends first. I think you can have a good group of friends and a significant other both, but not a huge crowd of "freinds". The quality of friendship you can provide goes down the bigger the circle, thus you have less social intimacy. This could speak to his blocking you from being more than a friend. He keeps you away likely because he's seen this numerous times before. It can be insecurity or ego on his part - who knows and moreover who cares?

    The important thing is that you are a great person and you know that. There is a lot that makes you uniquely you and I can bet you have a list of things to offer someone. There is a right guy out there that will appreciate you and that is equally capable of pulling that trigger deep within if you let him. First step is ask yourself why you'd do someone the injustice of comparing them to a person who won't give you the time of day? If it's qualities within him driving this, then write them out, get to know them and seek them out in others. If its physical, ask what that is and stop comparing but start finding physically what you like.

    There are a lot of good guys out there who are capable of appreciating someone without having to be in a fishbowl of acquaintances in order to feel validated.
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    Oct 26, 2009 10:14 PM GMT
    steltom saidI agree w/this one. Just don't press him...

    coolarmydude saidTell him that if he's a decent person, he can at least be honest with you and that you're a big boy and can handle the truth.


    I actually disagree with this whole sentiment. The OP here is the one who's "not taking the hint", since he made it clear that the crush already doesn't want anything to do with him.

    You have to cut off your feelings for this guy, so here's the first step--STOP looking at his Facebook page. Block him from showing on your mini-feed, stop yourself from typing his name into the search box. If you find yourself unable to control those, de-friend him.

    I've been there too--but you're just torturing yourself if you look at it, especially so much that you begin discerning each of his individual updates. Call it obsession or whatever, but it's not healthy, and it's certainly not helpful.

    Relationships are two-way streets, in that both have to be attracted to one another. In a relationship, each person has to fulfill a certain role/need that the other seeks from them. Sometimes certain people are incapable of fulfilling that role, and you can't take it personally. It's just the science of relationships. But do move on. No one wants to be obsessed over.

    You mentioned that you're comparing all people to him, which means you're drafting this psychological mentality that the feelings you shared for this guy are some sort of milestone in your life. This is extremely dangerous because you're setting yourself up for judging future dates and potentially ruling them out over a crush you had.
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    Oct 26, 2009 10:15 PM GMT
    Look what you wrote so far. All you are talking about is HIM, HIM, HIM. Remove him from your facebook so that you don't go end up looking at his wall when you are alone or listening to sad songs and thinking about him. This is important: really imagine the scenario in your head of moving on and when you feel "liberated", that is when you can see yourself being happy from leaving him (in the scenario, literally leaving him just like in a movie), send him a FINAL email, pouring out all you ever wanted to say to him, your crushed expectations, worries, your disappointment but saying you have to move on and also you understand why he acted the way he does (like you said, he was seeing someone else, he was a narcissitic, whatever) but wishing him goodluck on his life. But that is your FINAL email so don't expect an email back him or send him more emails. Really think about it before you write it and send it.
    You'll feel so much better after hitting that send button. I would say "liberated" and you will feel nothing but joy.

    The reason why it works is because this time you are turning the wheel on him. You are leaving him this time and not the other way round. You felt confused because he left you hanging and don't know how to respond. So, take charge of your situation.

    If you still feel bad afterwards, I am going to KICK your butt.
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    Oct 26, 2009 10:24 PM GMT
    seattlechill said
    But this guy just went cold on me and stopped answering emails or even making eye contact with me when i saw him. i think he was dating someone else, [ . . . ] so I'm stuck reading tea leaves every time I run into him. If he had just told me to go away i'd be over him my now.


    I really don't want to be rude here, but you are clearly in denial. He has stopped answering your e-mails, and avoids looking at you. There are no tea leaves, this is him giving you a very clear sign he does not have an interest in you. He doesn't have to sit you down and explain it to you. He doesn't have to "come clean." Don't convince yourself that he is acting in such a way to be malicious, or because he is a bad person or as you said--a narcissist.

    Do you think part of your attraction now has to do with the fact that you can't have him? It's very common.
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    Oct 26, 2009 10:27 PM GMT
    leothelion saidIf you still feel bad afterwards, I am going to KICK your butt.


    lol, I deserved that. I'll write the email and send it to myself, but I wont send it to him... we know some of the same people. besides, this city is incredibly small, and he seems to know everybody in it.

    BTW, I just defriended him on facebook
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    Oct 26, 2009 10:32 PM GMT
    First watch the movie "He is so not into you". Justin Long's philosophy on just this issue will set you straight.

    Second, get on a hook up/dating site and meet up with a few guys for any reason..that is the best and fastest way to stop obsessing. His
    "slient treatment" is typical. Nothing you can do about it on your end other change gears.
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    Oct 26, 2009 10:40 PM GMT
    seattlechill said
    leothelion saidIf you still feel bad afterwards, I am going to KICK your butt.


    lol, I deserved that. I'll write the email and send it to myself, but I wont send it to him... we know some of the same people. besides, this city is incredibly small, and he seems to know everybody in it.

    BTW, I just defriended him on facebook


    No, send it to HIM. The reason why it's important is that not only he has to know that you move on but also YOU know that he knows you are moving on. Do you get my point? So what he knows alot of people? Don't HIDE yourself. It's even better because he will know that you are the guy who dumped him and not the guy he rejected. You already lost alot of kudos from him because you are still hung up on him. By internalizing yourself that you are moving on, you won't be afraid if you bump into him at school. HAVE SOME BALLS. You will be able to pleasantly greet him even if you bump into him.
    Also, GO TO THE GYM, you will feel better about yourself in no time as you slowly realize that you are getting hotter so you will stop placing HIM on a pedestal.
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    Oct 26, 2009 10:43 PM GMT
    Don't take Alpha13 advice because first, watching the movie is first way to get depressed because it will remind you of him and you are still focusing on him.
    Second, Don't jump into dating other guys. It won't solve the problem, you are just running away from or replacing him with other guys, which you said doesn't work.

    Find yourself first, take some time. Focus on yourself, really imaging leaving him over and over again. That's the first step
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    Oct 26, 2009 11:18 PM GMT
    seattlechill said
    leothelion saidIf you still feel bad afterwards, I am going to KICK your butt.


    lol, I deserved that. I'll write the email and send it to myself, but I wont send it to him... we know some of the same people. besides, this city is incredibly small, and he seems to know everybody in it.

    BTW, I just defriended him on facebook
    May I ask how much time has elapsed since he stopped communicating? If you had one date and the promise of another, my take is that the time window for the "what the fuck happened?" email is pretty small.

    Kudos to you for de-friending him. Sounds sensible to me given the situation.

    Good luck in moving on with your life. It sucks to have this happen - hang in there - it will get better over time.
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    Oct 26, 2009 11:29 PM GMT
    Momentum_Play saidMay I ask how much time has elapsed since he stopped communicating? If you had one date and the promise of another, my take is that the time window for the "what the fuck happened?" email is pretty small.


    Yeah, thats pretty much my sense too... if I write to him now, it'll just be coming out of nowhere and he might think I'm psycho or something. (But I do appreciate leothelion's words of advice!!)

    He did come up to me out of the blue a couple of weeks ago and asked how I was. I smiled and was nice, but I kept my response to three words and then turned away and went back to what I was doing. So I think he got the same message.
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    Oct 26, 2009 11:34 PM GMT
    seattlechill said
    Momentum_Play saidMay I ask how much time has elapsed since he stopped communicating? If you had one date and the promise of another, my take is that the time window for the "what the fuck happened?" email is pretty small.


    Yeah, thats pretty much my sense too... if I write to him now, it'll just be coming out of nowhere and he might think I'm psycho or something. (But I do appreciate leothelion's words of advice!!)

    He did come up to me out of the blue a couple of weeks ago and asked how I was. I smiled and was nice, but I kept my response to three words and then turned away and went back to what I was doing. So I think he got the same message.
    If I'm picturing this correctly, it sounds like he did this in a public place. If that's true, he sounds like a bit of a douche.
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    Oct 27, 2009 12:46 AM GMT
    leothelion said

    No, send it to HIM. The reason why it's important is that not only he has to know that you move on but also YOU know that he knows you are moving on. Do you get my point? So what he knows alot of people? Don't HIDE yourself. It's even better because he will know that you are the guy who dumped him and not the guy he rejected. You already lost alot of kudos from him because you are still hung up on him. By internalizing yourself that you are moving on, you won't be afraid if you bump into him at school. HAVE SOME BALLS.


    This is horribly misguided advice. The OP had a crush on a guy. It would be one thing if they had a long term relationship and there were many issues to write out in a letter, but that's not the case.

    There are many young people who think that the best way to get out feelings like these is to log into your e-mail or facebook, write a message that becomes rude as fury rises, and then just mindlessly click send. There is nothing good about this. This is just a dump of your own feelings that you're writing out, and there's no easier way to alienate someone than to send them a multi-paragraph message over little more than a couple dates. I made that mistake when I was younger, and rather than helping me--it probably just made me look that much more crazy to the guy I was crushing on.

    Having balls is being able to move on without covering up your own hurt by being malicious to the other party.
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    Oct 27, 2009 12:48 AM GMT
    seattlechill said
    He did come up to me out of the blue a couple of weeks ago and asked how I was. I smiled and was nice, but I kept my response to three words and then turned away and went back to what I was doing. So I think he got the same message.


    Seems pretty rude. He came up to you and tried starting a conversation, and you purposely made a short response and didn't ask him a question back to keep the conversation going . . If anything that was an opportunity for you to be friendly or interesting, and you chose instead to be spiteful?
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    Oct 27, 2009 1:09 AM GMT
    Skotlake said
    seattlechill said
    He did come up to me out of the blue a couple of weeks ago and asked how I was. I smiled and was nice, but I kept my response to three words and then turned away and went back to what I was doing. So I think he got the same message.


    Seems pretty rude. He came up to you and tried starting a conversation, and you purposely made a short response and didn't ask him a question back to keep the conversation going . . If anything that was an opportunity for you to be friendly or interesting, and you chose instead to be spiteful?
    I disagree with this sentiment - the guy has been avoiding emails and all contact for months, and then pops up making happy talk in a public place? Eh, no thanks.

    The OP smiled, answered the question and then walked away. Just as you said earlier in the thread that the other guy was under no obligation to explain himself, seems to me the OP is not obligated to involve himself in a conversation with someone he is still trying to get over.
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    Oct 27, 2009 1:24 AM GMT
    Interestingly enough, I think this is something that happens far too often with people these days. I'm curious to know whether this has always happened or if it's something unique to the generations of the 80's, 90's and new millennium. Obviously humans have been pining over each other since time immemorial, but do you think it's gotten to the point of obsession since the digital age?

    I gather it used to be that if someone didn't like you, and made a point not to write, phone or trade correspondence with you, then you simply didn't see them in most cases, and you moved on with your life. It seems like now there is this huge case for denial that a lot of guys get themselves into, however, and continue thinking there is a chance of something happening even when there isn't. Have we lost our sense of reality in dating and finding our mate? Have we begun, with Facebook, Myspace, text messaging and so on to micro-manage our relationships and dating techniques so that we obsess and become anxious over whether or not someone actually takes the time to type a ten word text?

    (I realize that's not an answer to the original question, but most of the guys here will already have answered that for ya, guy)

    It seems foolish to become caught up in a guy, unless that guy has proven himself to be the person who will stand by you through the think and the thin times of life. For me, that level of proof happens over time. If all you've done is attend a few dates with the person, then there is no reason to obsess over him, because odds are...

    you're simply obsessing over your idea of what he could have been, and what you could have been together. That seems like a little bit too much "What if", and not enough reality.

    So stop thinking about him, start thinking about yourself, and why you feel you need him in your life after a few dates to begin with. Sure, he was probably a nice guy, but things didn't work out. So move on...there are literally millions of other guys out there. You'll meet another.
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    Oct 27, 2009 2:37 AM GMT
    Skotlake saidSeems pretty rude. He came up to you and tried starting a conversation, and you purposely made a short response and didn't ask him a question back to keep the conversation going . . If anything that was an opportunity for you to be friendly or interesting, and you chose instead to be spiteful?


    I chose to be civil. He asked me an offhand question; I smiled and responded in an offhand manner.