Fell for the wrong guy

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    Oct 27, 2009 2:36 PM GMT
    Okay, let me preface my short story with the fact that although I am not new to male to male contact I am new to male to male relationships. I have had dozens upon dozens of hookups, probably into the hundreds.

    I have had one dating style relationship. When I met the guy, he was a lot of fun and up front he told me he was "crazy". I thought that crazy meant he was a wild man and fun to be around. He was/is a fantastic bottom, one of the best I have been with.

    What I didnt know was that "crazy" really meant unmedicated bi polar. OMG what a fucking nitemare. He was as generous as he was mean. Swinging on that pendulum almost on a daily basis. He broke it off with me one too many times because I was selfish, self centered, egotistical, blah blah blah. Well the last time was the final time. He texted me no less than 300-400 times in two days, burned up my voicemail with everything from tears to threats, etc etc. I didnt go back and havent. He since is in counseling and is medicated and he is a new person. Too much water over the dam for me to go back. Oh BTW that is not the "wrong guy" I was referring to. This was just background information That story follows. lol

    I started chatting online with this guy Jim from Adam4Adam. He was only looking for friendship and so I hit him up. I like to meet new people and try to find things in common to be able to hang around. I didnt know what he looked like since he didnt post a picture. We chatted about once a week or so, he wasnt on very often. We did this for maybe a couple of months. One day we start chatting and he gives me his email address so we start chatting via email. We chat for a couple of months that way. He tells me about his young kids and his irretrievably broken relationship with his partner of 11 years. They stay together for the kids, the house, investments etc. Then out of the blue he writes me to tell me that he is going to give it another try with his partner and that there would be no chance of us meeting, He complimented me on how I didnt pressure him, was just looking for friends etc etc.

    All communication stopped. A couple of months goes by and I get an email from him and he starts chatting up again. I find out that he and the partner thing arent working out and he is just going to stay and live with it. We continue to chat via email. Then one day he asks if I want to meet him for coffee and I say "sure". We meet at this little mom and pop diner and as it turns out he is VGL and we have a lot in common. We go for a walk on the beach and just talk and talk like we are old friends. Nothing happened except a kiss goodbye. Thats all.

    As time goes on and we continue to chat via email I suggest to him that he get a YIM account so that we can chat via IM which is a helluva quicker. He agrees and we start chatting that way. After a few weeks he tells me that he and the kids are going on a short vacation up north and will be back in 10 days. We had been chatting via phone and IM daily at this point. He had my phone number and offered me his but I told him it wasnt necessary as I wouldnt call him anyway since he had a strained relationship at home and I didnt want to jam him up by making a mistaken phone call. As he is gone I send him a couple of emails wishing him a good trip and that I was looking forward to hearing from him when he got back. So far I had not heard from him but I figured he was away and that he would be in touch soon.

    After a few days of his return home I figured I would send another email to check on him. Well both email addresses I had for him said that his accounts were cancelled. WTF? Damn was/am I hurt. I thought we had at least a connection of friendship and even if nothing developed sexually, we could still be friends. I was willing to accept his situation just because we were connected as friends. I can be friends with a guy even if I think he is good looking and he is gay. lol.

    I told a friend the whole story and he said even the friendship wouldnt have worked out in the long run since it was hidden and secretive and that although I was hurt at the moment it was for the best. He said Jim was probably scared of getting too close and thats why he went silent on me now and in the past. He said, although Jim seemed like a nice guy, he had his own demons to deal with and it was better if I wasnt part of that.

    I am not a mushy kind of guy at all. But damn my stomach has a knot in it. I really had a connection with this guy and I thought he did with me. I deal much better with logic than I do with emotion. And I certainly deal much better with facts than not knowing. And in this case I dont know a thing. What happens if he contacts me again as he has done once before?

    Thanks for reading, any advice would be appreciated.





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    Oct 27, 2009 3:10 PM GMT


    lol, Mr Beach, that heart o' yours is awake and kickin'! If the guy ever calls, remember what happened here and stick to staying casual friends.

    We said in another topic similar to this that a guy that is on/off like this is NOT the guy for you! We're guessing a guy that say what he means and means what he says, and backs that up with action will be more your kind of man, eh?

    Just think what could have happened if he hauled back like he did and cut you with silence after getting a lot closer. Narrow escape for you this time!
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    Oct 27, 2009 4:25 PM GMT
    You are right. I should avoid him like the plague and Im sure thatll become easier for me as time goes on. The balance between my emotions and my logic will tilt strongly toward logic. Better for me if he doesnt contact me anytime soon lol.
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    Oct 27, 2009 4:42 PM GMT
    Past performance is a good indicator of future performance. Not true in mutual funds, but you can count on this most times with respect to people. You're wise to keep this in mind with respect to this "friend". Also - your description of a glimpse of life with the non-medicated bi-polar guy you knew was bone chillingly familiar to me. Oh God - spare me from ever having to deal with another vicious bi-polar person - on and off meds from time to time.

    Good luck just moving on - and meeting lots of better guys.
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    Oct 27, 2009 4:45 PM GMT
    Be thankful of the experience. As the saying goes: "the first cut is the deepest". So you're now more aware of the signals, and if it should happen again, and it might, just know it's nothing you've done and that it speaks volumes of the other person's character.
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    Oct 27, 2009 6:18 PM GMT
    I have to say I agree w/MIL. He sounds like a total flake.
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    Oct 27, 2009 6:26 PM GMT
    Sounds like you've had lots of issues with relationships, and seek dysfunctional ones.

    It's probably time to take a good long look at what you want in a relationship and the sorts of people and places you're willing to accept towards that end.

    If you continue to select dysfunctional folks, on the basis of being "a fantastic bottom" or some other criteria similar, you may find the pattern continuing.

    You may wish to evaluate your selection process, and reallocate your priorities.
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    Oct 27, 2009 6:38 PM GMT
    Yeah, what Chucky said. Plus, you are letting your emotions overrule your so-called logic. Of course, that's the way it is with people we are infatuated with.
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    Oct 27, 2009 8:30 PM GMT
    chuckystud saidSounds like you've had lots of issues with relationships, and seek dysfunctional ones.

    It's probably time to take a good long look at what you want in a relationship and the sorts of people and places you're willing to accept towards that end.

    If you continue to select dysfunctional folks, on the basis of being "a fantastic bottom" or some other criteria similar, you may find the pattern continuing.

    You may wish to evaluate your selection process, and reallocate your priorities.


    For sure my batting average is not real good for my male to male relationship or potential relationship.

    I am not sure what I want in a m/m relationship or if I want one at all. Maybe I need more exposure to "normal" gay guys and not just the hookup types. This is a work in progress for me. As far as my bipolar friend being a fantastic bottom, it was one of my initial things that kept me attracted to him, since I sincerely believe that sexual compatibility is an important characteristic as almost anything else. It may not be number 1 but its in the top ten as far as Im concerned. Sexual compatibility kept my ex wife and I wanting each other for a quarter of a century.

    I have to first decide what I want and then learn how to get it successfully.

    Thanks for the great advice to all.