A Sexless Relationship

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 27, 2009 6:37 PM GMT
    I have been dating my partner for 9 months and have been monogamous for over 4 months. However we almost never have intercourse. We do have oral sex but even that is very basic. I also feel that he isn't into that very much either. And now I am always concentrating and over thinking things when we do, do anything. I'm wondering if he is having fun. We are both in love and I do want to make this work. My sex drive is well in overdrive and i'm willing to slow down. But not getting any isn't working. Like I said I do truly love him but I don't know what to do.
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    Oct 27, 2009 8:14 PM GMT
    runner51182 saidI have been dating my partner for 9 months and have been monogamous for over 4 months. However we almost never have intercourse. We do have oral sex but even that is very basic. I also feel that he isn't into that very much either. And now I am always concentrating and over thinking things when we do, do anything. I'm wondering if he is having fun. We are both in love and I do want to make this work. My sex drive is well in overdrive and i'm willing to slow down. But not getting any isn't working. Like I said I do truly love him but I don't know what to do.
    You really need to start with the basics and talk heart to heart with him. In a nice non confrontational way. Being intimate is so important in a relationship. Especially considering you guys are still fairly new.
  • twentyfourhou...

    Posts: 243

    Oct 27, 2009 8:19 PM GMT
    Same comment as cthedj.
    Talk to the man. Communication is key, you guys must be willing to talk to each other freely about such things. Since this issue is affecting the relationship it should be discussed. Maybe he feels the same way.
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    Oct 27, 2009 8:25 PM GMT
    twentyfourhourslater saidSame comment as cthedj.
    Talk to the man. Communication is key, you guys must be willing to talk to each other freely about such things. Since this issue is affecting the relationship it should be discussed. Maybe he feels the same way.
    Right and some compromises need to be made. I mean after all, when you are in a relationship you arent JUST having sex, youre making love. As young guys in a new relationship you need that.
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    Oct 27, 2009 8:39 PM GMT
    twentyfourhourslater saidSame comment as cthedj.
    Talk to the man. Communication is key, you guys must be willing to talk to each other freely about such things. Since this issue is affecting the relationship it should be discussed. Maybe he feels the same way.



    Thanks, the thing is we have talked about it a few times. He was a virgin when we started and he keeps saying that he just needs to take things slow. I have topped twice since we have been together. I almost never bottom and I have even done that more just so we can have sex. The last time I did bottom he stopped in the middle of it and lost interest. He says he is stressing but I'm starting to get despite. I feel horrible for even thinking about cheating but I am.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Oct 27, 2009 8:44 PM GMT
    runner51182 said
    twentyfourhourslater saidSame comment as cthedj.
    Talk to the man. Communication is key, you guys must be willing to talk to each other freely about such things. Since this issue is affecting the relationship it should be discussed. Maybe he feels the same way.



    Thanks, the thing is we have talked about it a few times. He was a virgin when we started and he keeps saying that he just needs to take things slow. I have topped twice since we have been together. I almost never bottom and I have even done that more just so we can have sex. The last time I did bottom he stopped in the middle of it and lost interest. He says he is stressing but I'm starting to get despite. I feel horrible for even thinking about cheating but I am.


    You may want to consider couple's therapy if you're serious about making the relationship work. It doesn't sound like he has physical obstacles.
  • twentyfourhou...

    Posts: 243

    Oct 27, 2009 8:58 PM GMT
    I would not advise couple therapy at this point. You do not have a problem, you are a sexual being in a relationship and there are certain sexual needs that are being unmet - no therapy is needed (of course just my opinion).
    Since you have already talked to him about this and you have done things to try and resolve this issue, i would just lay it out there. Let him know that you care for him, want to make this work, but you cannot do it alone. I would not give him an ultimatum (threatening to cheat if this is not resolved) BUT i would let him know that at this point in your life you are not willing to have an open relationship to have your sexual needs met nor will you "cheat" on him, nor are you willing to settle for a relatively sexless relationship.
    With that said, i am basing this on my own experiences and my own sex drive and how i view sex in a relationship. Others will provide you their opinion.
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    Oct 27, 2009 9:03 PM GMT
    twentyfourhourslater saidI would not advise couple therapy at this point. You do not have a problem, you are a sexual being in a relationship and there are certain sexual needs that are being unmet - no therapy is needed (of course just my opinion).
    Since you have already talked to him about this and you have done things to try and resolve this issue, i would just lay it out there. Let him know that you care for him, want to make this work, but you cannot do it alone. I would not give him an ultimatum (threatening to cheat if this is not resolved) BUT i would let him know that at this point in your life you are not willing to have an open relationship to have your sexual needs met nor will you "cheat" on him, nor are you willing to settle for a relatively sexless relationship.
    With that said, i am basing this on my own experiences and my own sex drive and how i view sex in a relationship. Others will provide you their opinion.


    That was actually pretty helpful. I feel like I'm the only one trying and I keep bringing it up to him. Then he kind of makes me feel bad with the stress thing and shit. But I need to be more up front and tell him that I need more. I mean i know i'm way too horny most of the time but there will be times we get in a fight cause he stops in the middle of it cause he lost it. He tells me it isn't me he just isn't that sexual and loses it. The last talk we had was that he can't stop anymore. If he doesn't want to finish I do. But that still doesn't seem to be working either. I feel already desperate that i'm talking about this on here but I do want to make it work. So i'm running out of ideas.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Oct 27, 2009 9:05 PM GMT
    I suggested couples therapy because it seems to me that he has some pretty deep sexual issues. It seems to me that understanding what they are and being part of the his getting over them will make for a stronger relationship. Making things work isn't about assigning blame.
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    Oct 27, 2009 9:09 PM GMT
    Timberoo saidI suggested couples therapy because it seems to me that he has some pretty deep sexual issues. It seems to me that understanding what they are and being part of the his getting over them will make for a stronger relationship. Making things work isn't about assigning blame.


    I think therapy works for some people. But we are too new in the relationship for all that. I understand where your coming from just not right for me now.
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    Oct 27, 2009 9:12 PM GMT
    I agree with twentyfourhourslater...

    Talk to him in a productive (non-confrontation/accusatory) way about how you feel. As another wise RJer once wrote on a post, there's nothing wrong with expressing your feelings as long as they are genuine, even if it might make someone else uncomfortable, as long as you do it in the right way.

    It sounds like there is some work to be done here and you can only do 50% of it. He has to be invested and willing to work otherwise you're just spinning your wheels. icon_confused.gif
  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Oct 27, 2009 9:14 PM GMT
    my answer from open relationship thread-

    In a successful open relationship, it's not the trust or honesty that is missing it's understanding that there is a BIG diffrence between sex and love and most men have different sex drives. I'm a realist. Most/ not ALL /so called monogamous relationships are not, OR one partner lives sexually unsatisfied. So many men have been cheated on or worse have gotten an std or hiv from a monogamous relationship. I am not a jealous person and neither is my guy. I had a friend tell me I could never do what you guys do because I couldn't share my man with anyone in that way, meanwhile he has cheated on him at least 3 times I know of-go figure?? I have another friend who doesn't believe in an open relationship, but when he isn't gettin it they fight have a mini break up, he has sex with another guy, and then get back together-so they are both sharing their men just not telling them!!!

    OP you don't have that much time invested. If it was me I would look elsewhere.
  • nadaquever_rm

    Posts: 139

    Oct 27, 2009 9:23 PM GMT
    Was the sex ever great? What made you become monogamous? I personally have a bias against the sexually inexperienced, so my gut reaction is to call things off, but I can understand being in love and wanting things to work, too.

    I have been in your shoes, and it is always something else causing the lack of sex. You mentioned his stressing, but didn't state why he's stressed. Are you guys intimate outside of sex? Are you equal in other aspects of the relationship? Lacking experience, is he just not ready for a monogamous LTR? For me, things always get better when I take care of sex with my hand and take care of my man in other ways. Once he feels more secure, his sex drive is back.
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    Oct 27, 2009 9:28 PM GMT
    Sounds to me like the guy is just not sexually in to you and don't know how to tell you.

    9 months... you should be fucking like minks
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    Oct 27, 2009 9:48 PM GMT
    Blondizgd saidSounds to me like the guy is just not sexually in to you and don't know how to tell you.

    9 months... you should be fucking like minks


    Sounds about right. Move on! It is time. Shed a a tear, but move on.
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    Oct 27, 2009 10:25 PM GMT
    ........................
  • groundcombat

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    Oct 27, 2009 10:26 PM GMT
    Some people are just naturally more/less sexual than others. There's not anything explicitly wrong with either of you. You and he both just need to decide if it's going to be a dealbreaker or not.

    If you really want to make things work and you really just need sex, maybe an open relationship is in order. I think monogamy can be beautiful but I think it can also needlessly ruin good relationships by overemphasizing sex in the relationship.

    Just my two cents. Good luck.
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    Oct 27, 2009 10:31 PM GMT
    I think he needs to be honest. Does he fancy you?
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    Oct 27, 2009 10:42 PM GMT
    redheadguy saidI think he needs to be honest. Does he fancy you?


    Allright stop, you guys are asking runner questions like he's not incredibly cute and sexy or something. I can tell by looking...I'd break his leg icon_redface.gif. THERE IS SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH THE PARTNER, and there is something hinky about declaring monogamy after nine months and the sex wasn't smashing.

    Runner, I'd hate to sound like a tawdry screenplay for a Life Time movie, but are you sure he isn't straight?

    Or could it be that age old dilemma about gay men who think sex equals SLUT so they jump into monogamy even when they aren't ready?

    Was this a mutual decision or more important to one of you than the other?

    Are you sure he doesn't have erectile dysfunction?

    These are all things that a good conversation could iron out. Hmmmm, even more disconcerting than the lack of sex is a monogamous relationship with such an obvious communication problem.

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    Oct 27, 2009 11:27 PM GMT
    twentyfourhourslater> I would not advise couple therapy at this point. You do not have a problem, you are a sexual being in a relationship and there are certain sexual needs that are being unmet - no therapy is needed (of course just my opinion).

    The point of couple's therapy isn't because one or the other have a problem.
    It's because between the two there is (or may be) a problem.
    Maybe the problem is just brewing, but there is no need to wait until it boils over.

    So I'm with timberoo on this. Especially if communication isn't that great. Maybe these problems are related and a professional will help the two of you learn how to deal with these issues and each other.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 27, 2009 11:27 PM GMT
    With all due respect to the OP.....you are new to RJ and haven't filled in anything about yourself on your profile, so we really don't know anything about you. You have told us even less about your partner of 9 months, other than your frustration with the lack of sex. We don't know his age, or what type of work either of you do, how you met and what originally brought you together or why you (both of you?) decided to be monogamous...nothing! We don't know anything about either of your education levels, nor even body measurements of workout routines, diets, pets....nothing. To toss out a "problem" of this type with no background or supporting information and expect any type of helpful response is not logical, nor realistic. The best anyone can do is relay anecdotal, experiences and conjecture, which is as good as throwing darts, Magic-8-ball or a Ouija board....Sorry...

    If you are having sexual issues with your partner, COMMUNICATION is the key. You are a very handsome guy and should be able to "get a piece", almost on demand.... Allowing someone to dismiss it as "stress" and to not further analyze the stressors is not logical, or it is a "convenient cover" to hide true feelings with out saying anything...IE..."not really into you but don't have the guts to tell you or himself the truth." If he is having a physical dysfunction...suggest medical intervention, or at least "toys" or a "cock ring" or "role-playing" or something beyond just the physical bump and grind...ENGAGE THE BIGGEST SEX ORGAN...THE MIND! Set the mood and the situation, try "tantric sex", let him try different positions or lotions or props...but actively engage him, without threats or ultimatums! If he is unwilling to participate or explore then I think the answer is obvious and you need to move on to a better match for your libido....sorry. (I can't be everywhere! LOL! )
    Every relationship requires communication and work on BOTH sides.....Good Luck! icon_cool.gif
  • whenitrains

    Posts: 43

    Oct 27, 2009 11:53 PM GMT
    redheadguy saidI think he needs to be honest. Does he fancy you?


    He's also a new gay so maybe he's still quite unsure about sex. I know I didn't have anal sex for 4 years after I came out and was sexually active. I think you need to explore your (togethers) sexuality a bit more to make him feel more comfortable. Try oral sex as often as possible, try rimming. I know the first 2 or 3 times I was not into it, there was an alarm going off in my head saying that's my shitter and he's licking it. I was not comfortable with it at all. But, then I had some very understanding lovers that made me feel safe and comfortable and blew my mind at how pleasureable and fun sex can be, and now I enjoy all aspects of a sex.

    Maybe while he's fucking you he's actually not really comfortable with the idea of it.
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Oct 28, 2009 12:18 AM GMT
    There are some herbal supplements that make one more sexually charged, that might be an option. Maybe he should go to a doctor and get his hormones checked. Maybe he is low in testosterone. Maybe this is actually a medical issue.

    I'm not sure if I should suggest poppers or alcohol... Personally I have never used poppers but I had a friend that was a top that wanted to bottom for his BF and it wasn't working out. I told him I read about poppers helping out in that area....he tried it and it worked well for him. For me, although I rarely drink and I don't have any alcohol at home, sometimes when I'm out with a guy and drink I get really flirty and uninhibited. I don't use it as a crutch, but sometimes it's a way I can unwind.

    I know, horrible advice.
  • oookellyooo

    Posts: 116

    Oct 28, 2009 12:40 AM GMT
    whenitrains said
    redheadguy saidI think he needs to be honest. Does he fancy you?


    He's also a new gay so maybe he's still quite unsure about sex. I know I didn't have anal sex for 4 years after I came out and was sexually active. I think you need to explore your (togethers) sexuality a bit more to make him feel more comfortable. Try oral sex as often as possible, try rimming. I know the first 2 or 3 times I was not into it, there was an alarm going off in my head saying that's my shitter and he's licking it. I was not comfortable with it at all. But, then I had some very understanding lovers that made me feel safe and comfortable and blew my mind at how pleasureable and fun sex can be, and now I enjoy all aspects of a sex.

    Maybe while he's fucking you he's actually not really comfortable with the idea of it.


    i'm with whenitrains. ^_^ would a sex therapist (for him) help?
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    Oct 28, 2009 1:06 AM GMT
    I agree with some of the others. It seems that you need to communicate more in a safe environment. Therapy may provide that environment for you, think of it as relationship coaching. Maybe there is something more to his past then you may know. There's way more than that, but for this post it's enough. I started having issues with our sex life after about 9 months of dating. I frequently expressed that I was interested in having sex more, but nothing changed. It was only later that it came to the surface that he was molested. Give him the benefit of the doubt, but don't rule anything out.

    I hear your frustration with the situation. Don't compromise your beliefs in how you want to be in a relationship by cheating. It is not the answer and will only bring you more problems during the relationship and after. You just have to be able to realize when your needs are just not being met and aren't getting closer to getting met, move on.

    A friend said this to me once "sometimes love just isn't enough".