FORUMS > Dating & Relationships Forum Rules

I’m currently in a happy monogamous relationship and I believe im falling in love with my boyfriend. Everything is going well, except for one complex aspect

HIS EX FUCK BUDDY/NEW BEST FRIEND

His ex "hookup buddy" is a typical slime ball....has a decent boyfriend and cheats every chance he can get... almost does it for sport

Well.......when my boyfriend and I started dating, he didn't reveal the true nature of his relationship with this guy. My boyfriend at the time was single, although the other had a boyfriend. I was under the impression they had one casual encounter and developed a good friendship from that. Over time I found out just how sexually involved they had been in the past....(ie....multiple sexual encounters and escapades). I feel their was some deception used on his behalf to maybe hide how involved they where and I don’t feel I deserved that since I always answered his questions about my sexual past honestly.

This makes me very uncomfortable, especially since they love to hang out and last week my boyfriend decided to sleep over his ex FB/ best friends house without asking me how I would feel (He knows im uncomfortable with there relationship). You can imagine how I felt.....it was like getting knifed in the gut. During the "talk" we had later about what the f&u*ck happened he became very defensive at first and said "he wouldn't need to sleep over his house if he wanted to cheat", then became agitated and started throwing verbal punches at me.

I don’t like my boyfriend hanging out with someone whom he was so sexually involved with in the past. I feel in time, something is likely to happen again between the two. I must admit, while I am way better looking then the ex FB, the two have alot of chemistry together, and that makes me kinda nervous.

On top of that, my boyfriend tells me he loves me so much and would never cheat or do anything to hurt me.....so im kinda confused.

Another thought that just crossed my mind….my BF told me he wasn’t a home wrecker and never hooked up with guys who were in relationships, even if they were rocky. I now realize that was not true, since his eff buddy was in a serious relationship.

"On top of that, my boyfriend tells me he loves me so much and would never cheat or do anything to hurt me.....so im kinda confused."

...but he forgot to say he won't go out of his way to make you feel secure (aka the sleep-over).

He assured me he slept on the couch and nothing happened, yet when I asked what they did that night I ddn't get a straight answer.

I've seen my boyfriend break down in tears assuring me he loves me and would never jeopardize the relationship. Thats why this is so complicated

Well, it all boils down to trust, and early on into a relationship this should be a no-brainer. Testing trust is not something either of us did to each other. We went in the other direction, deciding that trust from each other had to be earned.

Being a grown-up, he should understand how it would feel, or appear, having a sleep over with an ex FB. He could have run this one by you first. Perhaps it's a good time to set up some ground rules around developing trust and nurturing a sense of security around fidelity.

I would never let my boyfriend near his Fuck buddy. I don't care if he throws the "Best friend" title along with Fuck buddy. He has something to fuck now, So he doesn't need to be around his FB/BFF.

He knows I'm uncomfortable with their relationship

Why did he do it then,If he knew you were uncomfortable(sleep over)...?


During the "talk" we had later about what the f&u*ck happened he became very defensive at first and said "he wouldn't need to sleep over his house if he wanted to cheat", then became agitated and started throwing verbal punches at me.

well,why not? he had him before. It shouldn't be hard to get him again. Why go looking for someone else to cheat with when your old fuck buddy is right there aka "new best friend"...

Ok I'm going to be blunt.

You know your boyfriend very well. You love him so much you can read him. What you are reading is contradicting what he is telling you and for the life of him you want to trust him, but you know that you can't.

I'm just gonna put it out there. If your gut is this worried and paranoid, you may have reason to truly be worried.

Yes trust is important, but we rarely talk about what happens when you're no longer able to trust someone. I suggest you tell him to cut his friend off. Normally this isn't my stance, but something in this situation does not seem right.

If it seems that his loyalties and dependency is more on this EX fuck bud than you and he can't give you that for the sake of your relationship, then you know that there's way more to this situation than he's letting on and something is wrong.

A lot of people are going to disagree with this maybe. But sometimes you have to follow your gut. Not to make you paranoid, but chances are they've already been fooling around and your partner doesn't wanna lose you so he's keeping it a secret.

Tears can be a form of deception.

Halfstep saidOk I'm going to be blunt.

You know your boyfriend very well. You love him so much you can read him. What you are reading is contradicting what he is telling you and for the life of him you want to trust him, but you know that you can't.

I'm just gonna put it out there. If your gut is this worried and paranoid, you may have reason to truly be worried.

Yes trust is important, but we rarely talk about what happens when you're no longer able to trust someone. I suggest you tell him to cut his friend off. Normally this isn't my stance, but something in this situation does not seem right.

If it seems that his loyalties and dependency is more on this EX fuck bud than you and he can't give you that for the sake of your relationship, then you know that there's way more to this situation than he's letting on and something is wrong.

A lot of people are going to disagree with this maybe. But sometimes you have to follow your gut. Not to make you paranoid, but chances are they've already been fooling around and your partner doesn't wanna lose you so he's keeping it a secret.

Totally agree with this. Look at it this way. If his tears were deception, you want nothing to with him. If his tears were honest, then you're in the driver's seat and can dictate the terms. Let him decide between you and his former hookup. It will be hard for you if he tosses you, but at least you discovered his true feelings now and didn't have to prolong things. And if he thinks you're being unreasonable, then he doesn't really care about your feelings. It doesn't sound to me like you're being unreasonable.

My advice would be to tell him to distance himself from the friend or just be done with him. It's that easy. No guy who says he loves you would and means it would do that so pick yourself up by your boot straps and be done with him and tell yourself you deserve better because you do.