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  • hopelessly

    Posts: 8

    Oct 28, 2009 10:42 AM GMT
    hey everyone
    my second post
    quick background
    I'm a sophomore in college and recently came out to 2 friends.
    having never come out before, i didnt know what to expect, additionally my first friend i came out too was due to me falling in love with him and convincing myself he might be bi/gay
    since then, I've had my ups and downs trying to just be myself around my friends because i didn't want to make stuff uncomfortable. though having spoken with my friends they could care less bout my orientation and its just a matter of me accepting myself and being happy being something ive managed to suppress innately

    Its not even understanding my sexuality, as of now i know i have a preference towards guys but im also slightly attracted towards women
    all i know is, when I fell for my friend I could honestly say I never felt like that before and I was at a really good state. While I was heartbroken I've gotten over it and have grown an really good relationship with him and dont regret coming out to him. Nonetheless, the more i think about it, the more it feels right to attempt to have a relationship and if somehow I could manage that, friends and school, i think life would be even better

    I've never looked for a relationship with another guy
    and I don't know where to start
    I'll keep my eyes open on campus
    is it wrong to think i cant find a legitimate guy at a gay club?
    which ive never done either and dont know how comfortable id be
    i dont know where else to look, because unfortunately while i could join an organization that brings some gay/lesbians together it means i'd have to come out to random people which im even more uncomfortable with

    idk basically while I have come out to 2 friends, I dont know how to accept this part of me kinda. i dont deny it, but i dont know how to just put myself out there with the intentions of looking for a guy

    i write long ass posts, so sorry and if anyone feels like giving their insight on anything, it would be very appreciated
    thanks and hope to hear from anyone
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    Oct 28, 2009 12:58 PM GMT
    Maybe if there is a gay/straight alliance on your campus that could be a good way to go about it. If not, try some self help books. I recomend "My Guy: A Gay Man's Guide to as Lasting Relationship". Love it. Its really helped me out and for sure strengthened the relationship I have with my Ex whom I am working things out with. Kind of hard to say bye like nothing after 4yrs of one of the best friendships and more that I have ever had. Hope this helps and good luck!
  • ChilaxinJOCK0...

    Posts: 1513

    Oct 28, 2009 1:08 PM GMT
    Dude, you sound exactly like me right now! Ive just recently come out to a few people and I am feeling a little strange. Its been tough for me being comfortable in my own skin right now. I think its strange for both of us because now that other people actually know it has now become fully a reality, where as before no one knew so it almost wasnt real.
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    Oct 28, 2009 2:07 PM GMT
    it gets easier and if anything you should feel like a weight just lifted off your shoulder. Its like the world is a little easier and at the same time its like your curious of new things and somethings that were familiar seem a little strange because you feel like you are in a way starting over again. Don't worry. In time it gets better and you are a much happier person because of it.
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    Oct 28, 2009 2:08 PM GMT
    hopelessly said...I've never looked for a relationship with another guy
    and I don't know where to start
    I'll keep my eyes open on campus
    is it wrong to think i cant find a legitimate guy at a gay club?
    which ive never done either and dont know how comfortable id be
    i dont know where else to look, because unfortunately while i could join an organization that brings some gay/lesbians together it means i'd have to come out to random people which im even more uncomfortable with

    idk basically while I have come out to 2 friends, I dont know how to accept this part of me kinda. i dont deny it, but i dont know how to just put myself out there with the intentions of looking for a guy...

    If you've come out only "recently" then take your time and don't feel you need to "find a guy" right away. Even gays who've been out for years know that looking for a guy, the right guy, can take some time. Casual dating, and of course casual sex can be much easier, naturally.

    I agree with Ryan Andrew that you may benefit from some books, and attending some campus-affiliated student groups. Your goal shouldn't be looking for a guy at those groups, but rather learning how to be comfortable in your new gay "skin," which seems to be an issue for you now, and typical of those recently out.

    You may also have a general shyness thing going on, and such groups can help you to overcome that, but first ya just gotta go there and do it. And what you're doing is watching & learning, as much as socializing, acquiring bits of the puzzle about how college gays your age think, behave & interact successfully with each other.

    When I came out, though much older than you, that's what I did myself. And I initially used to consider these like little "field trips" I'd take, to educate myself about this gay world that was totally new to me. At first I'd do little more than listen & observe, almost like learning the language & customs in a foreign country.

    As my familiarity & confidence increased, then I began to actively participate more. My personal "learning curve" was several months, your own could be different.

    And as I participated more in the gay social life, I didn't have to think about looking for guys -- they found me. Or at least there they were, all part of the whole scene, pretty much the same way we meet friends at school, work and other settings. I tried not to think that I was going on a "man hunt" every time I went to some gay venue, merely to enjoy the gay company.
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Oct 28, 2009 2:28 PM GMT
    Dude, seriously, joining the gay organization on my campus was the best thing that ever happened to me in college. You would be coming out to other gay people.....you have no idea how much they don't give a rats ass if your gay....they are gay too! They have no intention of "outing" you, and it is an atmosphere of a SUPPORT GROUP.

    You can be as active in membership as you wish. If you just want to go to the weekly meetings than that is up to you. I used to hang around the KGLF(kent gay lesbian foundation) office every day and do my homework and have lunch with friends. It was a very laid back environment and we did try to emotionally support each other.

    Most of these organizations are filled with people just like you. Every new person that walks through the organization's door is timid, shy, confused, curious, and looking for a group that can understand what it is your going through. I used to think I was messed up until I joined this group and realized I was far further along than most.

    I did meet my first boyfriend in this group, we were together for about two yrs. My LTR was a guy I met at a bar. It can happen anywhere.
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    Oct 28, 2009 2:52 PM GMT
    hah... just reminded me of something red vespa... the lingo. As the movie Broken Heart's Club did such a great job of doing... the verbiage that is used so casually in gay circles. I remember the first time I asked what's something was and watching heads turn and hearing a queen gasp in the background and come up behind me to say "Honey, you are a baby aren't you? BABY GAY EVERYONE! LET US EDUCATE THIS YOUNG STUD AND MAKE HIM A MAN FOR WHICH GAY DREAMS ARE MADE OF! (Pecks me on the cheek)"

    Her first rule for me:

    Rule #1.) Always bring plenty of $1's to a gay bar. While you can break 20's at the bar I doubt you want to tip me that much while I do my show honey!

    lmao haha.. I'm so nostalgic right now. Ah... GOOD TIMES! First time to a gay bar was on halloween night and it was The Saint Showbar in San Antonio, TX. The DJ spins up Gloria Estefan's "I Just Wanna Be Happy" and as soon as the trumps started playing gasps filled the room and every drag queen in the place hit the dance floor running and, by some power unknown to me, they all danced in unison putting on an improv show. I have never laughed so hard in my life. Im laughing my ass off now as I post this... OMG.. such good times.

    Dudes enjoy it! lol.
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    Oct 28, 2009 4:54 PM GMT
    I agree there are more ways to meet gay guys than just bars and clubs. You have so many gay organizations and social groups in your area its not even funny. When you get the chance start doing some research, see whats in your city, or whats going on at your school. Maybe you even have a GSA or something.

    Considering the fact that you're looking for relationship material, don't rush and don't be too discouraged should you attend some of the events at your school and meet a bunch of creepy weirdos.

    My college's GSA was so creepy.

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    Oct 28, 2009 5:06 PM GMT
    My college GSA was filled with angry lesbians who suffered from Penis-envy. Hope yours is better!

    LMAO!
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    Oct 28, 2009 5:46 PM GMT
    LMAO @ Lesbians with penis envy! Well I went to a private catholic university and didn't have any places for LGBTQ students to gather. Our thraphy seasons usually happened in the court yard between dorms watching the straight boys do the "walk of shame" from the girl's dorm.... or it would move in to the co-ed dorm study lounge. If thoes walls could talk the secrets they would tell. I never stuck around too long.. usually ended up with hook ups. That lounge was dirtier then boys town in mexico. icon_neutral.gif
  • hopelessly

    Posts: 8

    Oct 29, 2009 7:04 PM GMT
    thanks for the replies
    i guess i was too fast to jump on the whole "finding someone" thing
    i dont know, I guess im just really comfortable with how things are now and while yeah I anticipate to feel slightly paranoid after every coming out over the next few months, im okay with that cuz i get over it and it feels good not having to concern myself over, being myself lol
    but yeah, I dont want being gay/bi w/e to define me or change me so i guess i am hesitant to go out there
    ima take this really slow and I'll keep my eyes open and hopefully eventually either man up to either attend a GSA meeting or go to some club and at least expose myself to it and whatever happens happens i guess
  • OptimusMatt

    Posts: 1124

    Oct 29, 2009 7:10 PM GMT
    Well, to give you an idea - my second-last boyfriend I met on gay.com - we started chatting, went out on a few dates, and then we dated for 3.5 years.

    My last bf I started chatting with on manhunt, went on some dates, dated for a couple of months, and broke up because we just weren't compatible enough to be in a relationship.

    Both were quality guys I found on websites most homo's would look at with condensation and disdain - regardless, both were loyal, monogomous, and trustworthy, and all-around good guys.

    Having said that, there's a lot of sleaze online and offline - having said THAT, don't let the sleaze be all you see. There ARE quality guys everywhere, gay bars, online, the grocery store, campus....lockerroom *evil grin*

    Lol, just be safe, and sane, and have a good time. If you find someone you click with great, go the relationship route.
    But a good one-nighter never hurt nobody, and sometimes...we all need a little NSA sex...or webcam...or semi-private lockerroom shower jerk-off moments, lol

    **I'm not bad...I'm just drawn that way**
    *evil grin*