Straight guy friends who STILL aren't totally cool with it?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 29, 2009 3:13 AM GMT
    Does anyone have any straight guy friends who after a LONG TIME KNOWING YOU'RE GAY, STILL AREN'T TOTALLY COOL WITH IT?

    Under normal circumstances, I wouldn't be friends with him anymore, because wtf, life goes on and I don't need that shit. But...

    The guy is my best friend/brother. We have been best friends since 5 years old; I told him I'm gay when I was 19. I'm now 28 (ugh).

    Back when I was 23, he told me when we were drunk that homosexuality "disturbs him." I was pissed off and hurt. Since then, he has said that he "accepts" that I'm gay. We've even slept in the same bed, out of necessity when traveling, several times since then. So he's not totally freaking out.

    BUT if I ever mention dating a guy, let alone anything physical, he gets quiet, awkward, and unresponsive. Further, he never asks me about guys the way I ask him about girls.

    So I feel distant, uncomfortable, with my best friend because I feel like I cannot talk to him at all about dating.

    Does anyone else have a slightly awkward friendship with a not-totally accepting straight guy? Hopefully not. But if so, how do you handle it?

    Should I bring it up to him at some point, just to get it out in the open?

    Thanks for the help icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 29, 2009 3:26 AM GMT
    Are you sure you are not in love with him? I think he is jealous of you
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    Oct 29, 2009 3:37 AM GMT
    Rodmramer saidAre you sure you are not in love with him? I think he is jealous of you


    LOL pretty sure. he's like my brother.

    ...not quite my type for a lot of reasons icon_smile.gif
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    Oct 29, 2009 3:42 AM GMT
    I have a close friend who acts the same way. Although, he's told me he's had gay experiences in the past and was open to sex with me while we were travelling over seas. I didn't follow through and he got really pissed off at me. Now he acts all "ultra str8 man" with me now.

    Doesn't talk to me about sex anymore. I guess cause he doesn't want to hear about my sexcapades. He got really angry with me, when I fooled around w/ another gay guy at a party we went to as well.

    But he is insistent that he only likes women sexually. I just go along with it, but keep my opinion to myself. Otherwise, he's a great friend.

    No one is perfect.
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    Oct 29, 2009 3:43 AM GMT
    DelMar said
    Rodmramer saidAre you sure you are not in love with him? I think he is jealous of you


    LOL pretty sure. he's like my brother.

    ...not quite my type for a lot of reasons icon_smile.gif


    You don't think people who have grown together would like to spend time in a relationship?

    It could just be his one sided love for you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 29, 2009 3:48 AM GMT
    I sort of have the same situation. My best friend is like a brother to me as well and like you we've been friends since we were five. About five years ago when I told him about my sexuality he told me he didn't approve of it morally but I would always be his friend and like a brother to him. We are still close and I was Best Man at his wedding but I don't feel the comfort level to discuss any relationships with him because it would make him uncomfortable.

    To me, the friendship itself is worth much more than not being able to discuss one particular part of my life with him. Good friends shouldn't purposefully make the other uncomfortable. If I were you, I would focus on the years you have been friends and what you truly mean to one another as friends and know that he still cares for you and values you even though he may not understand this aspect of your life.
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    Oct 29, 2009 3:49 AM GMT
    I have several straight friends like that who although they tell me to my face they are cool with me still make deragatory gay jokes and talk badly about other people for being gay.

    I made the decision that these people arent worth it anymore and i make no attempts to keep in touch with them. Bottom line is if they are truly your friend they wouldnt care about your sexuality and would support you through and through. I have found out through others that the ones i did call friends and treated me like that did it to save face and to not appear like the bad guy or a bigot and constantly told people "im not a homophobe i have 'A' gay friend.

    they are no better than the guy who makes racist slurs and trys to justify it by saying they have a "black friend" or aquantaince. Friendship shouldnt be measured by sexual orientation, skin color, religion, etc.

    I say find better friends.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 29, 2009 3:49 AM GMT
    Why do YOU still care?

    Seriously, y'all are friends with some weird people.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 29, 2009 3:55 AM GMT
    We are friends with straight people.

    Not a huge shocker that they get uncomfortable it's perfectly normal
  • Hunter9

    Posts: 1039

    Oct 29, 2009 4:02 AM GMT
    DelMar said

    BUT if I ever mention dating a guy, let alone anything physical, he gets quiet, awkward, and unresponsive. Further, he never asks me about guys the way I ask him about girls.
    />


    I know what you mean... and i dont like the double standard one fucking bit. if they dont ask about or cant talk about anything about your love life, they should not be bringing up and talking about theirs.
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    Oct 29, 2009 4:07 AM GMT
    if he means that much to you, then talk to him, tell him that it's making things distant and uncomfortable with you, that you want him to know about important things about your life including the men you are interested in.

    hopefully when he hears it, he'll understand and try harder to be more open and accepting.

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    Oct 29, 2009 4:16 AM GMT
    I guess we gotta remember they are straight. They can't understand the same feelings we have. I have a great group of loving and accepting guy friends around me that have no problem hugging, holding me, kissing me, slap on the ass in a game of football or whatever.. you know... its exactly when I was before... sure we talk about dating and relationships but I try to watch how far I go in to cause sometimes yeah I see them close off a little but for the most part they try and sometimes in our conversations the problem I might be having are EXACTLY what they are having. Everything in moderation I guess you know?
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    Oct 29, 2009 4:20 AM GMT
    i had 2 but they were girls..

    one of the them saw me as her husband and the other was religious and married her cousin.. go figure
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    Oct 29, 2009 4:22 AM GMT
    lilTanker saidif he means that much to you, then talk to him, tell him that it's making things distant and uncomfortable with you, that you want him to know about important things about your life including the men you are interested in.

    hopefully when he hears it, he'll understand and try harder to be more open and accepting.




    Yeah that makes a lot of sense. If I don't let him know that the situation bothers me, then how on earth could I hope for it to change?

    I guess I've been so wrapped up in my own journey regarding being gay, that I've created expectations for straight guys that might not always be realistic. They might not all be in touch with the facts like:

    1) being gay is not strange;
    2) being gay is not a choice;
    3) I am not a sexual threat just because you are a guy;
    4) vagina's are "icky," too, especially when they bleed and cause mood swings icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 29, 2009 4:28 AM GMT
    If they're still not cool with you being gay, and they've known about it a long time, why would you still be friends with them?
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    Oct 29, 2009 4:29 AM GMT
    I have some straight guy friends that say and ask anything. they ask me is so-so is hot because their girlfriend thinks he is. We talk about it, and move on.

    One of my friends was like your friend, delmar, and I told him that it wasn't cool that you talk about your girlfriends and never once ask about the guy I am seeing. He said, he never thought how that would be. After that, he asks all the time about the guys that I see.
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    Oct 29, 2009 4:39 AM GMT
    I would suspect that your straight friend is not so sure about his own straightness. You'll probably say, "No way, he's completely 100% straight". But it's often those who do the most to project a straight image and who are uncomfortable with gay sexuality that later in life admit and/or accept that they have same sex attractions themselves.

    I'm fortunate to have two very close straight friends. Neither one of them has the least bit of an issue with me. It's refreshing.
  • inkedrugger

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    Oct 29, 2009 4:39 AM GMT
    The matter of the fact is, most straight people will NEVER be okay with the thought of gay sex etc.

    Practically all of my friends are straight, and it just never comes up when we talk seriously. Sure they'll joke about it, but its the same with how straight guys joke about having sex with "fat chicks".

    Maybe I'm just not as open as some of you are, but remember, open homosexuality is still a new thing to a lot of people. It will take time for it to be considered a fully normal thing in most societies. Maybe never even at all. Its hard, I know. Whenever I come back to my hometown for even a short period of time, I have to be someone I'm not mostly. Especially around my dad. Its just part of the way we have to be sometimes. Something along the lines of "know your audience" It sucks, trust me, I know.

    I think the best thing to do would to bring it into the open. Go out to dinner or something, and talk to him about guidelines. Maybe say somethings that you don't like about the way he deals with you being gay, and ask him what you can do for him to make it easier?

    About you talking about your dating and physical adventures, maybe reach out to a fellow gay guy or a girl and try to talk to them about you dating etc. There are plenty of people here that are just looking for people to talk to.

    Best of luck,

    Ryan
  • hartfan

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    Oct 29, 2009 4:42 AM GMT
    I understand that it is hard for some people to accept, especially when all their lives they have been taught something else or have only been exposed to notions that homosexuality is wrong and sinful yadda yadda. My own family still struggles with accepting me. Many such notions are irrational, and do not necessarily change with more exposure and education. But still, I will attempt to argue against two common reasons people use to justify their uneasiness about gays.

    Many people do not like to think about someone else's sexual life, gay or straight. It is unfair to label this as outright disgust so they can justify a homophobic prejudice. By doing so they are not considering the ethical contexts of privacy and love. Decent people do not invade others' consensual, adult sex lives nor do they pruriently obsess and scandalize over them, and actually see such obsession as juvenile. People who do not share each other's sexual interests all manage to live with one another in a society by honoring this ethic of privacy.

    Moreover, in loving relationships, sex acts are just physical expressions of caring and closeness. It is dishonest and naive to see this as just a physical thing. Your friend needs to see that talking to you about your relationships and who you are doesn't mean he has to talk about the mechanics of gay sex and shouldn't have to be disgusting.

    In our society, sex lives may be private, but relationships are public. This means that if any lesbian or gay couple wishes to conceal the nature of their relationship, they find they must lie constantly. Such lying causes a lot of problems. Since a homosexual relationship is seen as just a casual and convenient friendship, not a strong loving bond, others will treat their closeness lightly. If your friend truly cares about who you are as a person, he should see that being able to talk about who you're dating, who you might want to bring over for a thanksgiving dinner, who you want to spend the rest of your life with, is important to you.

    Friendship--or any kind of a relationship--is built on trust. If you are lying and avoiding such important respects of your life, then you're not being honest with him. I doubt anyone wants a friend who constantly lies to their face. If he's expecting that he can be open and honest but you can't, then he's being unfair to you and disrespecting both you as a person and your friendship. You are never shoving your sex life in his face by talking about your relationships, as people might claim.

    Some people may still hold onto their beliefs even when presented with these arguments, but I hope your friend doesn't and becomes someone worthy of your friendship. Good luck.
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    Oct 29, 2009 4:56 AM GMT
    I had this problem with one of my friends - he actually told me he was OK with it and was even happy for me and all that good stuff.

    Bullshit. Our relationship was completely strained after that and well - it got BAD. it boiled down SO badly one day that i ended up ditching him at the movies one night and made him go home with others that were there. Haven't spoken to him since.

    You might need to rethink your friendship here...
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    Oct 29, 2009 5:05 AM GMT
    My brother's the same way - I let it go. I'm cool with his heterosexuality & his conservative Roman Catholic beliefs - he's not cool with mine. I'm more emotionally developed than he is - period. He and his wife are judgemental about me - I accept them the way they are. Someone's got to act like an adult around here.

    I can't resist responding to your comment "ugh" about being 28. You mean you're depressed about getting "old"? Your friend makes you feel bad about being gay - how do you think that sort of comment makes us older guys feel? Yeah.....we have feelings too. So what do ya think? Should I crawl into a bottle ............Off myself? Is it over for me? icon_rolleyes.gif
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    Oct 29, 2009 5:14 AM GMT
    jawrhed saidMy brother's the same way - I let it go. I'm cool with his heterosexuality & his conservative Roman Catholic beliefs - he's not cool with mine. I'm more emotionally developed than he is - period. He and his wife are judgemental about me - I accept them the way they are. Someone's got to act like an adult around here.

    I can't resist responding to your comment "ugh" about being 28. You mean you're depressed about getting "old"? Your friend makes you feel bad about being gay - how do you think that sort of comment makes us older guys feel? Yeah.....we have feelings too. So what do ya think? Should I crawl into a bottle ............Off myself? Is it over for me? icon_rolleyes.gif




    Thank you for your words about your brother. At the end of the day, I will have to accept my friend for who he is – whether I like it or not.

    About the "ugh" comment, I didn't intend to be insensitive. Sometimes when I write my age, I can hardly believe that so much time has gone so fast. That certainly was not meant to be a slight against older people – for whom I have much respect.

    But I do take your point and apologize for any offense.
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    Oct 29, 2009 5:41 AM GMT
    Well you're a gentleman and an adult, so taking the high road with your buddy should work out - thanks & best wishes - J icon_smile.gif
  • timgoblue

    Posts: 71

    Oct 29, 2009 5:45 AM GMT
    badmikeyt saidWhy do YOU still care?

    Seriously, y'all are friends with some weird people.



    I agree...why are you friends with this guy? So, life goes on, doesn't mean you have to be friends with someone just because you've known him a long time.

    Time DOES go by fast...all the more reason not to spend it with people who don't accept you for who you are. Move on.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 29, 2009 5:55 AM GMT
    DelMarShould I bring it up to him at some point, just to get it out in the open?


    I would. But I'm a bottom line type of person when it comes to things like that. When I came out I pretty much said "This is me, accept it or be gone..." Most people accepted it, a couple left my life, but no big loss there I guess.

    Really, I don't think it has to be a big deal. Tell him you feel like mentioning a guy you're seeing or a date you went on is a taboo subject that you can't bring up because it makes him uncomfortable. I don't think you necessarily HAVE to talk about the physical stuff...do you? I mean, we all have boundaries in terms of that sort of stuff. However, for him to be acting like you're some sort of a freak if you mention going out to coffee with a guy is a bit off.