Dear Boyfriend’s Fag Hag,
Thank you for going on vacation this weekend. I hope you enjoy your trip, really. I know I will. In fact, should you decide you really, really like it over there and don’t want to come back, I won’t hold it against you. I can even help you pack.
I’m going to put all this as diplomatically as possible. It’s not that I think you’re a bad person (really). It’s not that I dislike you (really). You’re probably a nice girl, and I’m sure if we’d met under different circumstances, things might be different (maybe). I admit I probably haven’t given you a fair chance, and maybe that’s not very nice of me.
The fact is, though, you’re clinging to my boyfriend the way turds cling to my roommate’s cats’ ass.
Let me be blunt: he’s my boyfriend. Mine. Not yours. He is your friend and roommate, not your life partner. And that ass? Is mine to cling to.
No matter how many times you try to take him home with you to see your parents on weekends, it’s not going to make him yours. No matter how many trips you try to plan for the two of you (to celebrate your nephew’s birthday, to see your friend get married, etc.), it’s not going to make him yours. No matter how many times you suggest he write you in as his domestic partner or marry you so you can get access to his health benefits package, it’s not going to make him yours.
What it is going to do is continue causing friction between he and I (and no, not the good kind of friction), and piss me off. See, honey, this is a difficult perspective for you to appreciate, I know, since you’re young and you’ve yet to have a real relationship with a man, but here it is: relationships are difficult things for two people to negotiate. When you try to insert a third person, it becomes downright unwieldy. The old axiom ‘two’s company, but three’s a crowd’ is so old an axiom because it’s true.
My boyfriend likes you, sure, but frankly, he likes me more. And know what? That’s the way it’s supposed to be. I’m supposed to be the one he wants to spend weekends and nights with. I’m supposed to be the one he calls first when he gets off work. I’m supposed to be the one he wants to grow old and gray with. Please stop acting like there should be a contest between us. Please stop half-jokingly trying to get him to say he likes you more. Please stop moping and pouting whenever I’m over, or worse, when we’re spending time with other friends.
Here’s the thing: the way you cling to my boyfriend is inappropriate. It’s disrespectful to me. Setting up house with him, asking him to go away places with you, asking him to marry you, for chrissakes…if our roles were reversed, with you his fiancée and me the friend/roommate, would this not seem disrespectful and wrong to you? Would you not want to slap me across the face with a rusty-nail-studded two-by-four every now and then?
Worse than that, though, it’s disrespectful to him. See, I know it causes Lee stress to know we don’t particularly get along. He cares about both of us – in fundamentally different ways. If he didn’t get along with my best friend, I know it would cause me stress.
Therefore, because he likes you, I try to keep the peace and hold my tongue, and I try not to say heinous things about you too often in his presence. Hell, I do my damnedest to engage you and chat and ask how you’re doing, even when it’s entirely one-sided.
After the little blow-out fight Lee and I had a few weeks back, though, everything’s pretty much out in the open now between us all. He knows I’m tired of feeling like a third wheel in my own relationship, and that it’s your clinginess and insistence on being right up his ass (where only I should be) that has me feeling that way.
I know he conveyed the basics of it to you, too. You must know, basically, that you’re the reason we fight now where we never really did before. And you must know that it’s rough on him (it’s rough on me, too, but that’s not of consequence to you, really). If you love him as much as you proclaim, that should bother you.
So here’s the thing: it’s up to you. You can continue playing Mr. & Mrs. Happy Family with him, and I can guarantee the end result will be unhappiness for all of us. Or you can gracefully back off and respect the boundaries of our relationship, and all will be well.
This vacation of yours is a very good start. Please, for all our sakes, let this be a harbinger of things to come.
I promise my boyfriend won’t forget about you or neglect you, though, to be fair, it wouldn’t be an issue if you’d go out and make your own friends too, as we have.
I promise that he’s not going to spend every breathing moment with me if you release the hooks a bit. That’s why he lives with you – we’d drive each other crazy if we spent all our time together.
And I promise – solemnly and faithfully – that if you back off just a smidge and stop trying to make our relationship an emotional threesome, I will stop wanting to bash you in the face with a rusty-nail-studded two-by-four.
Hugs ‘n Shit,