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It seems like if a person isn't in a relationship they are looking for one or lamenting over not having one.

I was in a six year relationship and we are still best friends. I know how wonderful it is to have that connection... and it is wonderful. Most everyone knows or imagines how wonderful it would be to be loved like that.

But why is it that being in a relationship, for so many, negates the wonderful experience of standing alone?
Why is there a good/bad polarization of being single?

No you aren't.

My overly long answer is here:
http://www.realjock.com/gayforums/697916/

Well said... thank you

Umm well i'm sure everyone has their reasons why. Though it comes down to:
People want to feel what they have never had.
Some don't like being lonely... for," 1 is the loneliest number"
Others it's all they've ever known & don't know how to act without someone.
Some see the benefits of being with someone out number the benefits or being alone.
Going places with a partner aren't as lonely or make you feel like the odd-ball.

Everything has pros & cons it just matters on a personal level obviously what one person will tackle. Are they or you wrong for the ideals each holds. No. It is what makes social interactions fun.

I've been in a relationship since I was 22. I don't even remember what being single felt like.

Timberoo saidI've been in a relationship since I was 22. I don't even remember what being single felt like.

Wow, the only thing I've done consistently for 22 years is breathe... and there were a few times when that stopped too!

I've only been out a few years and only had two boyfriends. First one wanted to be non-monogamous. Second one was a great guy but went back to his ex just a few months ago. These last few months have been the first time I've ever not been involved with or crushing on someone since I've been out. And honestly, it's been great. I'm learning who I really am. You can't really be one hundred percent yourself with someone else until you've given yourself the time to figure out who you are first. So that's what I'm doing. I'm learning to just be me, without another guy's influence.

So no, you're not alone. I'm happy being single. That doesn't mean I don't want a relationship if I meet someone I connect with, but I'm not looking for it anymore.

I'm happy about it 99% of the time, but I do have my pining Disney fantasy moments.

I have been single forever. At the same time I consider myself an extremely happy person. With that said a relationship would still be nice.

EasilyDistracted said

Timberoo saidI've been in a relationship since I was 22. I don't even remember what being single felt like.

Wow, the only thing I've done consistently for 22 years is breathe... and there were a few times when that stopped too!

I'm only 39, not 44.

I am very happy being single, but again, if I find someone that I connect with then I will be more than happy to date.

My goal is that my next relationship is my last. I want something meaningful, fulfilling and enjoyable for both of us and want to share an amazing life with someone. So I am taking it one day at a time

There are times that I feel very lonely being single, but I understand too that those feelings will make me appreciate my Mr Right even more.

no im happy too! i cant imagine myself deal with a guy right now,i guess you only make yourself avaialable if you feel someone's special but otherwise i prefer to run my own life

RuggerATX saidI'm happy about it 99% of the time, but I do have my pining Disney fantasy moments.

I could not have worded it any better than this!!

Timberoo said

EasilyDistracted said

Timberoo saidI've been in a relationship since I was 22. I don't even remember what being single felt like.

Wow, the only thing I've done consistently for 22 years is breathe... and there were a few times when that stopped too!

I'm only 39, not 44.

Your zombie face obscured EVERYTHING! I totally misread and was floored! My amazement at being in a relationship was exacerbated by the very idea that anyone would be in a relationship for that long. My reading comprehension is that of a 3rd grader when I'm multi-tasking, I'm sorry... I also have the attention span of a gnat....

...................oh look... something shiny!

RuggerATX saidI'm happy about it 99% of the time, but I do have my pining Disney fantasy moments.

I have a few of those every now and then myself.... They're fun especially when there is someone willing to indulge the fantasy for a spell.

I've never been on a date, so I'm accustomed to the single life — 28 years going strong. I think I'll be ready to start looking in 2 years once I get my new degree and take a job that I plan to have for the rest of my career. I'm in a transitional period right now in my life, so I want to wait for things to settle.

For the most part I am. Recently I've been travelling for work and it would be nice to come home to someone after a week away. But other than that, right now I'm really happy being single.

For about a total of 1 hour out of 8760 hours of the year, I spend time wishing or pondering the fact that I there has to be someone special out there for me.

Then I go back to the 8759 hours thanking God that I don't have to answer to anyone at anytime.

So to answer your question, I am extremly happy to be single.

Only other time that is bothers me is when people ask "Why are you single?" or "I can't believe you are single." It's a bit condesending and rude. But oh well... such is life.

I am learning to like it! Have been dating and having a good time. Out of a relationship so just doing my thing.

There's no virtue without temptation. I could say I'm fine being single, but if you consider that having a boyfriend is an option much harder to obtain, what's the value of affirming it?

I haven't been this single so this long in my entire life!
So far, so awesome.
But seriously, I think that paradigm develops, in part to our culture. If it can be clearly defined, a relationship that is, then it is subject to commodification. Then interpersonal objectification.
There are clear winners and losers in that type of mindset.
Also, I consider myself very lucky to have had mostly very long-term relationships, so that inherently gives me another perspective.
Part of me says:"I'm not doing another tour of duty!"

But I really wouldn't change a thing, and my connection with my previous partner is still primary to my life.

Standing alone is scary! You're just a little water bag on a mote of dust in the cosmos. Somebody hold me!!!

gsh1964 saidFor about a total of 1 hour out of 8760 hours of the year, I spend time wishing or pondering the fact that I there has to be someone special out there for me.

Then I go back to the 8759 hours thanking God that I don't have to answer to anyone at anytime.

So to answer your question, I am extremly happy to be single.

Only other time that is bothers me is when people ask "Why are you single?" or "I can't believe you are single." It's a bit condesending and rude. But oh well... such is life.

OMG I HATE when someone asks "why are you single?" or "I can't believe your single!"
It *is* condescending and insulting!
I have moments where I think how nice it would be to have the familiarity of someone to fall asleep cuddling with... but it drives me CUCKOO when people talk about it like I'm cursed with singledom! Not a curse, it's a choice.
I actually have chosen to be single because the right opportunity hasn't come along but being single doesn't preclude me from being happy, fulfilled or a complete person.
I think people mean to well, but it is laden with projections of insecurity that are socially spoon fed uncoupled people.

gsh1964 you very obviously have requirements for quality companionship that far exceed those of most, I applaud your diligence in not settling for just anyone... well done.

bachian saidThere's no virtue without temptation. I could say I'm fine being single, but if you consider that having a boyfriend is an option much harder to obtain, what's the value of affirming it?

That is working under the assumption that having a boyfriend *is* easier to obtain... which is highly debatable. Perhaps a better qualifier might be, "having someone that compliments you in the ways a partner should is harder to obtain".

But not having a boyfriend does not preclude you from being happy.. or complete.

swimbikerun saidI haven't been this single so this long in my entire life!
So far, so awesome.
But seriously, I think that paradigm develops, in part to our culture. If it can be clearly defined, a relationship that is, then it is subject to commodification. Then interpersonal objectification.
There are clear winners and losers in that type of mindset.
Also, I consider myself very lucky to have had mostly very long-term relationships, so that inherently gives me another perspective.
Part of me says:"I'm not doing another tour of duty!"

But I really wouldn't change a thing, and my connection with my previous partner is still primary to my life.

Standing alone is scary! You're just a little water bag on a mote of dust in the cosmos. Somebody hold me!!!

I agree that relationships as a commodity and a paradigm of interpersonal objectification is completely socially derived. The polarization of that mindset do lend that social mindset do project a state of "winning and losing".
I find standing alone to be exhilarating and exciting! Scary... uh.. yeah that too. But it is one of the most fabulous rides I've ever been on and I would only change it for the right combination of patience, love & understanding.
"Hold me! ....uh.... then let me go so I can explore the world please."

ED, I'm confused, I still don't understand if for you singledom is a cause or effect of a choice: is it the deliberate choice of being single, or is it a consequence of the choice of not being in a bad relationship?

Sure, I could say I'm proud of being single, but only if I compare myself with people in bad relationships, many of which are people who suffer from extreme gregariousness and settle with too low just for the sake of having a relationship.

But there are too those who are in good relationships, and then my grass doesn't look so green...

Hmmm. We all put up a brave front. Totally self sufficient and independent. Had a few ups and downs in the relationship realms. Get totally cold. But... there will come a day that you will be and feel alone or you've got "all these friends", but no one who is vested in you. A trip to the hospital and a cab ride home because you didnt have a BF/partner to pick you up and be invested and concerned. The solo emotional life can suck as much as it is liberating. My suggestion is shake out the cobwebs of the last go around and get back out there. As I remind myself all the time "Spend too much time in your own head (space) and pretty soon there's not enough room in there for the both of ya".

No, you are not alone. To be alone and lonely are two different things. You can be with somebody and very lonely. To be alone and not being lonely takes some maturity. Most people don't know what to do with themselves. The get fearful and insecure easily. I've been 12 years in relationship, alone now and feel perfectly well. But, the only reason to be with somebody, is that you are always a better person ( in good relationship ), than you are on your own.

lunarius

bachian saidED, I'm confused, I still don't understand if for you singledom is a cause or effect of a choice: is it the deliberate choice of being single, or is it a consequence of the choice of not being in a bad relationship?

Sure, I could say I'm proud of being single, but only if I compare myself with people in bad relationships, many of which are people who suffer from extreme gregariousness and settle with too low just for the sake of having a relationship.

But there are too those who are in good relationships, and then my grass doesn't look so green...

Singledom is my choice.
I'm not detracting from the validity or fulfillment of a "good relationship", but "good" ones are very few and far between. In the absence of those "good relationships" it behooves us all to focus on the aspects of being single that make us bigger, better people.

A relationship with oneself is just as relevant and just as much work as a relationship with another. Those wonderful aspects of being single for all intents and purposes could be fleeting and short lived. The very same thing can be said for being in a "good relationship".

My point is not in comparing oneself to the situation of others, you never know what happens between two people. Those "good relationships" might be very different than what you perceive... that grass might not be so green.

The only thing you can be sure of is where *you are*. So shouldn't we all make it the best we can, regardless of who/if there is someone sleeping next to us?

lunarius said
No, you are not alone. To be alone and lonely are two different things. You can be with somebody and very lonely. To be alone and not being lonely takes some maturity. Most people don't know what to do with themselves. The get fearful and insecure easily. I've been 12 years in relationship, alone now and feel perfectly well. But, the only reason to be with somebody, is that you are always a better person ( in good relationship ), than you are on your own.

lunarius

You said in one post what I couldn't in 368!

I could have been more articulate. Sory. Funny and I write (tech) for a living too lol. Yes I can be alone and not lonely and comfortable in my own company lol but... I do enjoy the company of others and yes they should compliment you. You should never settle to have a sig, other but need to shop around (date) to find that man. Some folks can't be alone and that's a poor position to be in.

NO

I love being single, the freedom to do whatever I want whenever I want without having to cater to the wants and needs of a lover, or expecting the same emotional intamacy(though I have to admit it can be nice:-)....but I have realized that as I get older, I become more comfortable in my skin, and appreciate my solitude. I have learned to fill the void or emptyness on my own, without the need for someone else to fulfill it...or to stroke my ego

I am about 90% of the time - the other 10% I'm just probably horny.

I have to agree with you saying that a lot of people aren't happy being single and I find that disheartening. Why should you depend on a partner, or a bf to make you happy? And my answer is that you shouldn't. Why? Because a person is not going to make you happy. Having a bf does not mean all your problems go away and everything becomes peachy-keen. With that that said, being single can be so liberating! You have the options to do whatever you want without reporting to anyone and you can take the time to learn so much more about yourself. Yeah, it can suck, but it can also be great. I'm not against relationships AT ALL, but I've been single and been in a long term relationship and both can be good....

RuggerATX saidI'm happy about it 99% of the time, but I do have my pining Disney fantasy moments.

ditto 'cept recently its been like annoying marathon of the shaggy dog

I don't mind it all and when I try I just can't visualise someone else in my life.
Even as an old man sitting on my front porch I only see myself.

The only thing I find is that as I grow older and people move deeper into their prospective families/relationships, they have forgotten that I am still alive.

I'm definitely happy being single. Still, I know what it's like to be in a healthy relationship with a special guy and the single life doesn't even compare.

This discussion in a gay forum is as credible as a bunch of poor people talking about the virtue of economy. As if we could be anything else! Maybe, if it were easy to find a good boyfriend, than the choice of remaining single would have some value, otherwise, it's just reaffirmation of status-quo. Just like the early Christians, who valued poverty and submission, this valuation may be a way to divert us from the perception that reality is not so favorable, that we face more challenges than straight people to find a mate. So instead of facing the problem upfront, we resign and find a way to make the problem don't look like a problem.

I really don't doubt one can be happy and single, after all, I am happy and single! What I still don't get is the point in affirming it, since being single is more of an imposition of unfavorable statistics than a choice.

One can choose to be single or choose to be in a relationship.

The answer lies with the individual. Some people find being single pretty easy and almost 2nd nature while others find being in a relationship just as easy. Naturally you have the downside of both as well meaning some just find it hard, if not virtually impossible, to be single or in relationship.

Affirming the answer of being single comes from people who constantly ask "Why you are single?" It's on par with why a person asks why do you like PB & J sandwich or why does one like the color magenta? You simply do for whatever reason and when asked you have the choice of either validating it or ignoring it.

For me I'm happy being single at the moment. I do as I want and I do as I please with no one telling me otherwise. I admit that it'd be nice to have someone in my life but whether i am or am not in relationship isn't gonna mkae or break me.

I have decided to enjoy all the benefits of being single until I meet a guy that's good for a relationship. I'm just a little worried that once you start looking at life from the perspective of a single person, it may be hard to convert to a monogamous relationship person. We'll see...

I was perfectly content being single because the guys I met didn't work out for very long. Now my entire outlook has changed because I have now met someone with lots of potential, and I think it'd be hard to readjust back to single life once you've experienced that special relationship. In particular I find it hard to sleep alone now

Maybe I am preaching to the choir. But why do we as gay men feel the overwhelming need to be coupled? Why is the end all and be all to copy our straight friends? Why do we feel so deperately to follow that dynamic?


Why do we feel as a gay men feel we MUST BE COUPLED like our straight friends?

When did that become so important? To copy and follow the path of our straight friends?

RuggerATX saidI'm happy about it 99% of the time, but I do have my pining Disney fantasy moments.

LMAO AMEN

I am very much appreciating and enjoying my bachelorhood these days. Even as I move into the gay-dreaded late 30s. Many of my peers seem overly worried with 'growing old alone' but I say Fuck it. You have one life. There are more ways to fill it than devoting time and energy to someone else's happiness!

RunintheCity saidI am very much appreciating and enjoying my bachelorhood these days. Even as I move into the gay-dreaded late 30s. Many of my peers seem overly worried with 'growing old alone' but I say Fuck it. You have one life. There are more ways to fill it than devoting time and energy to someone else's happiness!

Indeed.

The best thing I've learned from my past relationships is how much I enjoy being single.

That isn't to say I don't date...I do. But at the same time, I've learned what I want, what I will accept, what I will tolerate, what I won't tolerate, and what will work.

So, I'm just as happy being single as being in a relationship. It's almost like enlightenment of sorts.

RuggerATX saidI'm happy about it 99% of the time, but I do have my pining Disney fantasy moments.

I can get a daffy duck costume if you'd like!

all those Single Sisters.

and i thought i was singular.

i always found i had no problems having a bf, as i don't wait for Mr Right who lives in Lalaland,
but i have problems being one.

I love being single - its a lot easier emotionally and mentally and a lot more liberating! I think some of us are Charlottes, and some of us are Samanthas in life....

with that said I think that there is a huge push from society to find a relationship. Try to count one day how many times you hear about relationships, marriage, kids, love, etc. It's EVERYWHERE around us.

lilTanker said

RuggerATX saidI'm happy about it 99% of the time, but I do have my pining Disney fantasy moments.

I can get a daffy duck costume if you'd like!

Please post pics!!

RunintheCity saidI am very much appreciating and enjoying my bachelorhood these days. Even as I move into the gay-dreaded late 30s. Many of my peers seem overly worried with 'growing old alone' but I say Fuck it. You have one life. There are more ways to fill it than devoting time and energy to someone else's happiness!

I'm in my late 30's too and it's funny how my friends especially the coupled ones get very focused and serious lately if I tell them I'm going on a date. Like my "Purchase by" date is rapidly forthcoming.

I must say I had a huge altercation at the beach last weekend where I almost ended up in a fist fight with four people when their dog attacked mine. It was very ugly, with lots of posturing, spitting, shoving and screaming, fortunately they backed down without it coming to blows. I'm not one to shy down from a fight but I was really shaken.

Having a boyfriend to go home to and get spooned by would have gotten me over it in a few hours as opposed to two days. "Blech!"

EasilyDistracted said

RunintheCity saidI am very much appreciating and enjoying my bachelorhood these days. Even as I move into the gay-dreaded late 30s. Many of my peers seem overly worried with 'growing old alone' but I say Fuck it. You have one life. There are more ways to fill it than devoting time and energy to someone else's happiness!

I'm in my late 30's too and it's funny how my friends especially the coupled ones get very focused and serious lately if I tell them I'm going on a date. Like my "Purchase by" date is rapidly forthcoming.

I must say I had a huge altercation at the beach last weekend where I almost ended up in a fist fight with four people when their dog attacked mine. It was very ugly, with lots of posturing, spitting, shoving and screaming, fortunately they backed down without it coming to blows. I'm not one to shy down from a fight but I was really shaken.

Having a boyfriend to go home to and get spooned by would have gotten me over it in a few hours as opposed to two days. "Blech!"

You can borrow me if you like.

Timberoo saidYou can borrow me if you like.

It's official... at this very moment in time (it should last for at least an hour) you are my absolute, without a doubt, favorite person in the whole wide, entire universe, bar-none... "Thank you". xo

gsh1964 saidFor about a total of 1 hour out of 8760 hours of the year, I spend time wishing or pondering the fact that I there has to be someone special out there for me.

Then I go back to the 8759 hours thanking God that I don't have to answer to anyone at anytime.

So to answer your question, I am extremly happy to be single.

Only other time that is bothers me is when people ask "Why are you single?" or "I can't believe you are single." It's a bit condesending and rude. But oh well... such is life.

Really? I guess that depends on the tone of the person, but whenever I was asked that, it was more in a tone of suprise, like I can't believe you're single. You sure the person wasn't implying something else?

Easy, let's face it...you are too much for any one man to handle. When I was in relationships, I often found myself reminiscing about how nice it was to have some time alone... I get claustrophobic rather easily. The idea of being in a relationship is sometimes better than the reality... I really don't give a damn anymore what other people think. (Unless, of course, they're paying my bills... )
The scary part is some of the LTRs I've seen...they've been together so long, it appears familiarity and the financial arrangements are mostly what they have in common anymore...

No you are not. I am happy being single just as I am happy when in a relationship. I win either way.