My mom had a heart attack scare, and I blame my brother and his ungrateful wife

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    Oct 31, 2009 11:00 PM GMT
    My mom had a heart attack scare today. Ever since my brother and his Chinese wife (that he met in China while teaching English) got to America, even though my mom paid for a $10,000 wedding and spent $30,000 to renovate the house my stepfather lived in before she married him, my sister-in-law has been a complete bitch to her and to me. She's disrespectful and complains about the house. She never misses a chance to tell my mother when she is wrong about things, even though my mother had to put her financial well-being on the line for 3 years so this girl could come to the USA because my brother can't find a good job right now to support his wife. She refused to take a job with benefits teaching music because she didn't want to, even though it would have taken so much financial pressure off my mom's hands and made everyone's lives easier. She treated me like I was a nuisance and when I finally lost it and called her out on her bullshit, she played the victim, told my mother she hated me and moved out. My brother has shunned me, and my mom has been stressed out.

    Today she was diagnosed with depression over the rejection she feels, and had a heart attack scare today and wen to the hospital. I'm so upset over this. I blame my brother and his wife for causing all this stress in my family and especially in my mother, who is now at a ridiculous risk of heart attack and stroke because her blood pressure is so high. She cries all the time and calls me in tears.

    I'm just so angry, I don't know what to do. I don't want my mother to die, and if she does, I'm going to blame my brother and his evil Chinese cunt of a wife. Like If she dies I'm going to beat the both of them into a set of bloody pulp, I'm so angry right now. My whole family is falling apart and I don't know what to do.

    I've been crying all day. Why is all this shit happening? I cut my brother off because he's shunned me, but I'm just so worried I'll lose my mother over this also, and then I'll be all alone in life.

    icon_cry.gif
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Oct 31, 2009 11:10 PM GMT
    Your Mom needs to say "I've helped you enough" and wash her hands of the situation. But, she's a mom and that would be hard for her.
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    Oct 31, 2009 11:26 PM GMT
    . . . relatives are a pain in the ass . . . I mean, would any sane person ever sign up for this kind of abuse and disrespect? . . . fuck no!!

    . . . ball up and resign yourself to losing some things in your life in order to attain greater things in life . . . end of story . . .
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    Oct 31, 2009 11:33 PM GMT
    Take care of your Mom. She's really depressed and needs something positive in her life. Can you go stay with her for a while?
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    Oct 31, 2009 11:37 PM GMT
    LittleDudeWithMuscles saidTake care of your Mom. She's really depressed and needs something positive in her life. Can you go stay with her for a while?


    She asked me not to come over tonight like we had planned. She said she needed her sleep. My bf and I are going to surprise her and take her to a day spa soon.
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    Oct 31, 2009 11:38 PM GMT
    ThelStrat !!! can you take the bull by the hornes so to speak for your mother and just end her dolling out to them? Would she let it all go into your hands, letting you decide to take the pressure off her? Change phone numbers and everything so they cannot contact her to badger her for more support, or to harass and any other form of actions that hurt your mother. Someones got to end this for your mothers sake. Its still up to your mother to let a remedy take place. God I wish you courage on this, cause you have your hands full. Hang in there.
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    Oct 31, 2009 11:46 PM GMT
    realifedad said ThelStrat !!! can you take the bull by the hornes so to speak for your mother and just end her dolling out to them? Would she let it all go into your hands, letting you decide to take the pressure off her? Change phone numbers and everything so they cannot contact her to badger her for more support, or to harass and any other form of actions that hurt your mother. Someones got to end this for your mothers sake. Its still up to your mother to let a remedy take place. God I wish you courage on this, cause you have your hands full. Hang in there.


    The problem is that for this girl to enter the country, my mom had to sign an agreement with the federal government saying she was legally obligated for all financial obligations for this girl. She can't get out of it for 3 years. I'm trying to tell her not to give them money unless they legitimately need it so that she will only have to pay for this bitch's medical insurance. I told my mom to only do the bare minimum required by her agreement with the federal immigration authorities. God I'm so angry I'm shaking.
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    Oct 31, 2009 11:51 PM GMT
    I would say dont be haranguing your mom. That will only add to the stress. She needs comfort, calmness, support, and company. Not lectures. Hold your sermons for another time. They arent helping at this time. Turn her attention to things that are pleasant for her and absorb her attention so that she will relax. Stay in your room and shake if you cant put your anger for your sister-in-law aside.
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    Oct 31, 2009 11:53 PM GMT
    Caslon12000 saidI would say dont be haranguing your mom. That will only add to the stress. She needs comfort, calmness, support, and company. Not lectures. Hold your sermons for another time. They arent helping at this time.


    I'm not lecturing my mother, Caslon, I'm listening to her talk, and trying to do anything in my power to lower her blood pressure.
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    Oct 31, 2009 11:54 PM GMT
    TheIStrat said.... I'm trying to tell her not to give them money unless they legitimately need it so that she will only have to pay for this bitch's medical insurance. I told my mom to only do the bare minimum required by her agreement with the federal immigration authorities. God I'm so angry I'm shaking.

    I only going on what you say.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Nov 01, 2009 12:12 AM GMT
    Really sorry to hear about these issues...the sad part is, it could be permanent (meaning that you may despise your sister in law as much 20 years from now as you do now).

    Your mother is certainly the one who needs help and support. I would try and decrease tension ... even if that means trying to come to a temporary truce with your brother and his wife. I'm not sure what else to suggest, except that your mother probably gave too much in the beginning. She sounds like a really wonderful woman......I'd be bending over backwards showing my appreciation.
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    Nov 01, 2009 1:03 AM GMT
    TheIStrat said...My whole family is falling apart and I don't know what to do...

    Who else is in your family, and what are their opinions about this?
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    Nov 01, 2009 1:14 AM GMT
    Red_Vespa said
    TheIStrat said...My whole family is falling apart and I don't know what to do...

    Who else is in your family, and what are their opinions about this?


    Me, my stepfather, and my boyfriend all agree this woman is a complete psycho bitch and my brother is a coward for justifiying her behavior.

    So the rest of the family is me, my stepfather and my boyfriend, who my mother adores.
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    Nov 01, 2009 1:31 AM GMT
    TheIStrat saidMe, my stepfather, and my boyfriend all agree this woman is a complete psycho bitch and my brother is a coward for justifiying her behavior.

    So the rest of the family is me, my stepfather and my boyfriend, who my mother adores.

    If your stepfather is your mother's current husband, then a lot of this falls to him to resolve. I would consult and work through him. He is also your brother's stepfather, as well as his Chinese wife's stepfather-in-law.
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    Nov 01, 2009 5:21 AM GMT
    ThelStrat sorry to hear about your Mom's troubles. However, they are your Mom's problems not yours.

    1) She chose to sponsor your brother's wife, if she did so at the coercion of your brother, then be mad at him.
    2) Your brother sounds like a bit of a douche for asking his mother to do this and for not being able to support your mom.
    3) The fact your sister-in-law is Chinese is not important, but you mentioned it several times.
    4) Love your Mom and your brother, those relationships are forever. Whether he supports you or acknowledges you isnt important, if you love freely, others will follow, this could be from your family or your friends.
    5) Live YOUR life, our parents pass away, our siblings, our children, our partners, we all do.... its part of this existence, if you truly believe your Mom is physically affected by the arrangement she entered into, ask her about it, offer support emotionally (and financially if you can) and get her through the 3 years. She chose to do what she did, was it fair of your bro to ask? Maybe not, but she had the choice and agreed.
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    Nov 01, 2009 5:36 AM GMT
    TheIStrat said
    realifedad said ThelStrat !!! can you take the bull by the hornes so to speak for your mother and just end her dolling out to them? Would she let it all go into your hands, letting you decide to take the pressure off her? Change phone numbers and everything so they cannot contact her to badger her for more support, or to harass and any other form of actions that hurt your mother. Someones got to end this for your mothers sake. Its still up to your mother to let a remedy take place. God I wish you courage on this, cause you have your hands full. Hang in there.


    The problem is that for this girl to enter the country, my mom had to sign an agreement with the federal government saying she was legally obligated for all financial obligations for this girl. She can't get out of it for 3 years. I'm trying to tell her not to give them money unless they legitimately need it so that she will only have to pay for this bitch's medical insurance. I told my mom to only do the bare minimum required by her agreement with the federal immigration authorities. God I'm so angry I'm shaking.
    >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Well ThelStrat, from what you've written I think your quite a son to your mother and have her best interests at heart, and are doing all you can to mitigate the damages to her. I hope she will not fork out more than is necessary as you pointed out above. Go as easy with your mother as you can and I just hope the 3 years are up soon before it drains your mother beyond what she can take both physically and finacially. Its a shame that those we love often are the ones who in the end do us the most damage, sadly your mother is a victim of this with her son and his wife. My heart goes out to her and you as you witness it. I hope the trouble ends soon.
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    Nov 01, 2009 5:48 AM GMT
    given that there is a legally binding contract, there really is only one option here: comfort and support your mother. you cannot, as some have suggested, "simply" wash your hands of this. it is a burden you will have to bear, since you cannot "simply" walk away. it is unfortunate that your sister-in-law and brother are causing your mother this duress, but your mother is the only one who can manage this directly. it sounds like an intervention on your part would both be impractical (because of the legalities and resistance from the parties involved) and a burden on your mother (who is already fragile for now).

    although it may sound like a gross oversimplification, or that i am being fickle, i assure you that i am not. and so i ask that you reflect on the heavy (yet liberating) truth in the following "bit" of tao wisdom:

    if you can do something about a situation, don't worry about it.
    and if you cannot do something about a situation, don't worry about it.

    as i said, i don't mean that to sound simplistic (and it isn't at all, if you give it some reflection). however, if you cannot fix this, you must bear this. everything is temporary, so rather than hold onto your rage, meld it into compassion for you mother (and possibly empathy for your brother). your mother, and this situation, will not be served by you also having stress. if it is possible (and given the strength of your character, i believe it is), please consider how you can be constructive in this horrible situation, rather than vengeful (which, although understandable and totally justified, is not going to help you or your family).
  • offshore

    Posts: 1294

    Nov 01, 2009 6:05 AM GMT
    HndsmKansan saidReally sorry to hear about these issues...the sad part is, it could be permanent (meaning that you may despise your sister in law as much 20 years from now as you do now).


    Actually I don't think so, gold diggers like this tend to leave their first hunband/ wife and go find someone richer, without hearing her side of the story, I am guessing here she is using your bro to get to the US and gets her green card then may leave him..
  • OptimusMatt

    Posts: 1124

    Nov 01, 2009 6:08 AM GMT
    Maybe try turning it into a joke - I mean, I know it's the complete OPPOSITE of funny, but....when my grandmother and her brothers and sisters were younger, and the old man was beating the shit out of them and my great-grandmother...all they could do was laugh. Else they would have been ground to dust and left an empty shell of a person.

    You can't change the situation, all you can do is affect her mood and state of mind - if you can, somehow, turn the absurdity into humour...maybe that's the best you CAN do.

    *shrugs* My condolances - I'd have confronted my brother about this, personally. I would make him feel like a traitorous piece of shit. The vagina you shot out of trumps the vagina you impale, always and forever.
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    Nov 01, 2009 6:24 AM GMT
    that was so grotesque it was actually brilliant.
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    Nov 01, 2009 6:34 AM GMT
    I'm very sorry for what you're going through I know how rough that can be.

    You, your stepfather, and your guy, I'm sure you know will have to be strong for her, let her know you guys are there for her. Its quite clear your sister-in-law, and your brother with his demonstration of weakness, by allowing his wife to disrespect your mother aren't too well suited to be around her.

    You guys will have to remind your mother her health is what is most important. I'm sure you have, and I can imagine her being a bit stubborn as all mothers are. And no more of her doing stuff for them, since all it seems to be doing is stressing her out, and they don't seem to be too appreciative. She won't be in the wrong for doing that, its tough love, and seems like a lesion they both need to learn. In her condition it isn't right nor fair for her to be troubled by anyone.

    As for you cutting your brother off, I can understand the hurt and anger you feel, some family members can be a bit toxic. Don't totally cut him off completely though, keep him at a distance but allow him to prove himself and make the relationship between you two better, especially with your mother.

    Her current condition should be a wake up call to your brother, god forbid she died. Your brother will have an immense feeling of guilt that will last for the rest of his life, and I can imagine that is the worst feeling ever.

    That's a very great thing you and your guy are doing for her, taking her out. She'll enjoy and appreciate it, make more days like that for her. icon_smile.gif

    Although your anger towards your bother and sister-in-law is very legitimate, the anger and negativity will do no good, especially around your mother she won't want to see her two sons hating or being so angry with each other. Make everything all about her getting better and she will, nothing else is more important than that.

    I pray things get better, you're also not weak to be crying, or venting about your situation. Just be strong for your mother.

    Be well, and take care.

    Gabriel
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Nov 01, 2009 7:32 AM GMT
    It sounds like your mother has legally agreed to pay (for 3 years) certain expenses for this woman, and that apparently does not include having the woman live in your mother's house.

    So, encourage your mother to keep her out of her house and completely away from her.

    If your mom isn't on medication for her blood pressure, it would be a good idea to go to her doctor with her and get that arranged.

    It seems like it is almost always the gay son who acts responsibly and goes out of his way to care for his parents.

    Perhaps you should investigate getting a Power of Attorney that would let you handle your mother's financial affairs, agreed to by your mother. Then, your brother and his wife would have to go through you for everything.

    And, you could just pay whatever bills your mother owes for this woman, each month (out of your mother's funds) and neither you or your boy friend or your mother would ever have to see them.

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    Nov 01, 2009 8:32 AM GMT
    "....my mom had to sign an agreement with the federal government saying she was legally obligated for all financial obligations for this girl"

    I'm NOT a lawyer, but there must a way out- as there is no certainty that the sponsor (your mother) will continue to have the funds- and i'm pretty certain that the US GOVT would side with its citizens over immigrants if things don't work out. ie the girl may have to leave in 30 days and go back to her country of origin (which you have reminded us 3 times, is china)

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    Nov 01, 2009 8:41 AM GMT
    Why'd you have to point out what race your sister-in-law is? That shouldn't have any bearing on you tell us the story on how she is a totally bitch towards you and your family. I'm just saying.

    Also if you are so displeased with her and don't like her or your brother for that matter because of the hardship and nonsense they've put your mother through then you should say something and make them aware of the pain they are causing. The last thing you wanna do is to bitch them out later after your mom has a heart attack and dies because by then it will be too late.

    make them aware of it and let them know that their BS has to stop especially to the sister-in-Law who according to you should be kissing the ground your mother walks on. Talk about ungrateful.
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    Nov 01, 2009 8:52 AM GMT
    [quote][cite]Guy101 said[/cite]Why'd you have to point out what race your sister-in-law is? That shouldn't have any bearing on you tell us the story on how she is a totally bitch towards you and your family. I'm just saying.quote]


    Because it paints a better picture in the readers head.