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Oct 31, 2009 11:00 PM GMT
My mom had a heart attack scare today. Ever since my brother and his Chinese wife (that he met in China while teaching English) got to America, even though my mom paid for a $10,000 wedding and spent $30,000 to renovate the house my stepfather lived in before she married him, my sister-in-law has been a complete bitch to her and to me. She's disrespectful and complains about the house. She never misses a chance to tell my mother when she is wrong about things, even though my mother had to put her financial well-being on the line for 3 years so this girl could come to the USA because my brother can't find a good job right now to support his wife. She refused to take a job with benefits teaching music because she didn't want to, even though it would have taken so much financial pressure off my mom's hands and made everyone's lives easier. She treated me like I was a nuisance and when I finally lost it and called her out on her bullshit, she played the victim, told my mother she hated me and moved out. My brother has shunned me, and my mom has been stressed out. Today she was diagnosed with depression over the rejection she feels, and had a heart attack scare today and wen to the hospital. I'm so upset over this. I blame my brother and his wife for causing all this stress in my family and especially in my mother, who is now at a ridiculous risk of heart attack and stroke because her blood pressure is so high. She cries all the time and calls me in tears. I'm just so angry, I don't know what to do. I don't want my mother to die, and if she does, I'm going to blame my brother and his evil Chinese cunt of a wife. Like If she dies I'm going to beat the both of them into a set of bloody pulp, I'm so angry right now. My whole family is falling apart and I don't know what to do. I've been crying all day. Why is all this shit happening? I cut my brother off because he's shunned me, but I'm just so worried I'll lose my mother over this also, and then I'll be all alone in life.  |
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Oct 31, 2009 11:10 PM GMT
Your Mom needs to say "I've helped you enough" and wash her hands of the situation. But, she's a mom and that would be hard for her.
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Oct 31, 2009 11:26 PM GMT
. . . relatives are a pain in the ass . . . I mean, would any sane person ever sign up for this kind of abuse and disrespect? . . . fuck no!!
. . . ball up and resign yourself to losing some things in your life in order to attain greater things in life . . . end of story . . .
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Oct 31, 2009 11:33 PM GMT
Take care of your Mom. She's really depressed and needs something positive in her life. Can you go stay with her for a while?
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Oct 31, 2009 11:37 PM GMT
LittleDudeWithMuscles saidTake care of your Mom. She's really depressed and needs something positive in her life. Can you go stay with her for a while? She asked me not to come over tonight like we had planned. She said she needed her sleep. My bf and I are going to surprise her and take her to a day spa soon. |
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Oct 31, 2009 11:38 PM GMT
ThelStrat !!! can you take the bull by the hornes so to speak for your mother and just end her dolling out to them? Would she let it all go into your hands, letting you decide to take the pressure off her? Change phone numbers and everything so they cannot contact her to badger her for more support, or to harass and any other form of actions that hurt your mother. Someones got to end this for your mothers sake. Its still up to your mother to let a remedy take place. God I wish you courage on this, cause you have your hands full. Hang in there.
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Oct 31, 2009 11:46 PM GMT
realifedad said ThelStrat !!! can you take the bull by the hornes so to speak for your mother and just end her dolling out to them? Would she let it all go into your hands, letting you decide to take the pressure off her? Change phone numbers and everything so they cannot contact her to badger her for more support, or to harass and any other form of actions that hurt your mother. Someones got to end this for your mothers sake. Its still up to your mother to let a remedy take place. God I wish you courage on this, cause you have your hands full. Hang in there. The problem is that for this girl to enter the country, my mom had to sign an agreement with the federal government saying she was legally obligated for all financial obligations for this girl. She can't get out of it for 3 years. I'm trying to tell her not to give them money unless they legitimately need it so that she will only have to pay for this bitch's medical insurance. I told my mom to only do the bare minimum required by her agreement with the federal immigration authorities. God I'm so angry I'm shaking. |
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Oct 31, 2009 11:51 PM GMT
I would say dont be haranguing your mom. That will only add to the stress. She needs comfort, calmness, support, and company. Not lectures. Hold your sermons for another time. They arent helping at this time. Turn her attention to things that are pleasant for her and absorb her attention so that she will relax. Stay in your room and shake if you cant put your anger for your sister-in-law aside.
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Oct 31, 2009 11:53 PM GMT
Caslon12000 saidI would say dont be haranguing your mom. That will only add to the stress. She needs comfort, calmness, support, and company. Not lectures. Hold your sermons for another time. They arent helping at this time. I'm not lecturing my mother, Caslon, I'm listening to her talk, and trying to do anything in my power to lower her blood pressure. |
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Oct 31, 2009 11:54 PM GMT
TheIStrat said.... I'm trying to tell her not to give them money unless they legitimately need it so that she will only have to pay for this bitch's medical insurance. I told my mom to only do the bare minimum required by her agreement with the federal immigration authorities. God I'm so angry I'm shaking. I only going on what you say. |
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Nov 01, 2009 12:12 AM GMT
Really sorry to hear about these issues...the sad part is, it could be permanent (meaning that you may despise your sister in law as much 20 years from now as you do now).
Your mother is certainly the one who needs help and support. I would try and decrease tension ... even if that means trying to come to a temporary truce with your brother and his wife. I'm not sure what else to suggest, except that your mother probably gave too much in the beginning. She sounds like a really wonderful woman......I'd be bending over backwards showing my appreciation.
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Nov 01, 2009 1:03 AM GMT
TheIStrat said...My whole family is falling apart and I don't know what to do... Who else is in your family, and what are their opinions about this? |
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Nov 01, 2009 1:14 AM GMT
Red_Vespa saidTheIStrat said...My whole family is falling apart and I don't know what to do...
Who else is in your family, and what are their opinions about this? Me, my stepfather, and my boyfriend all agree this woman is a complete psycho bitch and my brother is a coward for justifiying her behavior. So the rest of the family is me, my stepfather and my boyfriend, who my mother adores. |
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Nov 01, 2009 1:31 AM GMT
TheIStrat saidMe, my stepfather, and my boyfriend all agree this woman is a complete psycho bitch and my brother is a coward for justifiying her behavior.
So the rest of the family is me, my stepfather and my boyfriend, who my mother adores. If your stepfather is your mother's current husband, then a lot of this falls to him to resolve. I would consult and work through him. He is also your brother's stepfather, as well as his Chinese wife's stepfather-in-law. |
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Nov 01, 2009 5:21 AM GMT
ThelStrat sorry to hear about your Mom's troubles. However, they are your Mom's problems not yours.
1) She chose to sponsor your brother's wife, if she did so at the coercion of your brother, then be mad at him.
2) Your brother sounds like a bit of a douche for asking his mother to do this and for not being able to support your mom.
3) The fact your sister-in-law is Chinese is not important, but you mentioned it several times.
4) Love your Mom and your brother, those relationships are forever. Whether he supports you or acknowledges you isnt important, if you love freely, others will follow, this could be from your family or your friends.
5) Live YOUR life, our parents pass away, our siblings, our children, our partners, we all do.... its part of this existence, if you truly believe your Mom is physically affected by the arrangement she entered into, ask her about it, offer support emotionally (and financially if you can) and get her through the 3 years. She chose to do what she did, was it fair of your bro to ask? Maybe not, but she had the choice and agreed.
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Nov 01, 2009 5:36 AM GMT
TheIStrat saidrealifedad said ThelStrat !!! can you take the bull by the hornes so to speak for your mother and just end her dolling out to them? Would she let it all go into your hands, letting you decide to take the pressure off her? Change phone numbers and everything so they cannot contact her to badger her for more support, or to harass and any other form of actions that hurt your mother. Someones got to end this for your mothers sake. Its still up to your mother to let a remedy take place. God I wish you courage on this, cause you have your hands full. Hang in there.
The problem is that for this girl to enter the country, my mom had to sign an agreement with the federal government saying she was legally obligated for all financial obligations for this girl. She can't get out of it for 3 years. I'm trying to tell her not to give them money unless they legitimately need it so that she will only have to pay for this bitch's medical insurance. I told my mom to only do the bare minimum required by her agreement with the federal immigration authorities. God I'm so angry I'm shaking. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Well ThelStrat, from what you've written I think your quite a son to your mother and have her best interests at heart, and are doing all you can to mitigate the damages to her. I hope she will not fork out more than is necessary as you pointed out above. Go as easy with your mother as you can and I just hope the 3 years are up soon before it drains your mother beyond what she can take both physically and finacially. Its a shame that those we love often are the ones who in the end do us the most damage, sadly your mother is a victim of this with her son and his wife. My heart goes out to her and you as you witness it. I hope the trouble ends soon. |
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Nov 01, 2009 5:48 AM GMT
given that there is a legally binding contract, there really is only one option here: comfort and support your mother. you cannot, as some have suggested, "simply" wash your hands of this. it is a burden you will have to bear, since you cannot "simply" walk away. it is unfortunate that your sister-in-law and brother are causing your mother this duress, but your mother is the only one who can manage this directly. it sounds like an intervention on your part would both be impractical (because of the legalities and resistance from the parties involved) and a burden on your mother (who is already fragile for now).
although it may sound like a gross oversimplification, or that i am being fickle, i assure you that i am not. and so i ask that you reflect on the heavy (yet liberating) truth in the following "bit" of tao wisdom:
if you can do something about a situation, don't worry about it.
and if you cannot do something about a situation, don't worry about it.
as i said, i don't mean that to sound simplistic (and it isn't at all, if you give it some reflection). however, if you cannot fix this, you must bear this. everything is temporary, so rather than hold onto your rage, meld it into compassion for you mother (and possibly empathy for your brother). your mother, and this situation, will not be served by you also having stress. if it is possible (and given the strength of your character, i believe it is), please consider how you can be constructive in this horrible situation, rather than vengeful (which, although understandable and totally justified, is not going to help you or your family).
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Nov 01, 2009 6:05 AM GMT
HndsmKansan saidReally sorry to hear about these issues...the sad part is, it could be permanent (meaning that you may despise your sister in law as much 20 years from now as you do now).
Actually I don't think so, gold diggers like this tend to leave their first hunband/ wife and go find someone richer, without hearing her side of the story, I am guessing here she is using your bro to get to the US and gets her green card then may leave him.. |
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Nov 01, 2009 6:08 AM GMT
Maybe try turning it into a joke - I mean, I know it's the complete OPPOSITE of funny, but....when my grandmother and her brothers and sisters were younger, and the old man was beating the shit out of them and my great-grandmother...all they could do was laugh. Else they would have been ground to dust and left an empty shell of a person.
You can't change the situation, all you can do is affect her mood and state of mind - if you can, somehow, turn the absurdity into humour...maybe that's the best you CAN do.
*shrugs* My condolances - I'd have confronted my brother about this, personally. I would make him feel like a traitorous piece of shit. The vagina you shot out of trumps the vagina you impale, always and forever.
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Nov 01, 2009 6:24 AM GMT
that was so grotesque it was actually brilliant.
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Nov 01, 2009 6:34 AM GMT
I'm very sorry for what you're going through I know how rough that can be. You, your stepfather, and your guy, I'm sure you know will have to be strong for her, let her know you guys are there for her. Its quite clear your sister-in-law, and your brother with his demonstration of weakness, by allowing his wife to disrespect your mother aren't too well suited to be around her. You guys will have to remind your mother her health is what is most important. I'm sure you have, and I can imagine her being a bit stubborn as all mothers are. And no more of her doing stuff for them, since all it seems to be doing is stressing her out, and they don't seem to be too appreciative. She won't be in the wrong for doing that, its tough love, and seems like a lesion they both need to learn. In her condition it isn't right nor fair for her to be troubled by anyone. As for you cutting your brother off, I can understand the hurt and anger you feel, some family members can be a bit toxic. Don't totally cut him off completely though, keep him at a distance but allow him to prove himself and make the relationship between you two better, especially with your mother. Her current condition should be a wake up call to your brother, god forbid she died. Your brother will have an immense feeling of guilt that will last for the rest of his life, and I can imagine that is the worst feeling ever. That's a very great thing you and your guy are doing for her, taking her out. She'll enjoy and appreciate it, make more days like that for her.  Although your anger towards your bother and sister-in-law is very legitimate, the anger and negativity will do no good, especially around your mother she won't want to see her two sons hating or being so angry with each other. Make everything all about her getting better and she will, nothing else is more important than that. I pray things get better, you're also not weak to be crying, or venting about your situation. Just be strong for your mother. Be well, and take care. Gabriel |
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Nov 01, 2009 7:32 AM GMT
It sounds like your mother has legally agreed to pay (for 3 years) certain expenses for this woman, and that apparently does not include having the woman live in your mother's house.
So, encourage your mother to keep her out of her house and completely away from her.
If your mom isn't on medication for her blood pressure, it would be a good idea to go to her doctor with her and get that arranged.
It seems like it is almost always the gay son who acts responsibly and goes out of his way to care for his parents.
Perhaps you should investigate getting a Power of Attorney that would let you handle your mother's financial affairs, agreed to by your mother. Then, your brother and his wife would have to go through you for everything.
And, you could just pay whatever bills your mother owes for this woman, each month (out of your mother's funds) and neither you or your boy friend or your mother would ever have to see them.
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Nov 01, 2009 8:32 AM GMT
"....my mom had to sign an agreement with the federal government saying she was legally obligated for all financial obligations for this girl"
I'm NOT a lawyer, but there must a way out- as there is no certainty that the sponsor (your mother) will continue to have the funds- and i'm pretty certain that the US GOVT would side with its citizens over immigrants if things don't work out. ie the girl may have to leave in 30 days and go back to her country of origin (which you have reminded us 3 times, is china)
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Nov 01, 2009 8:41 AM GMT
Why'd you have to point out what race your sister-in-law is? That shouldn't have any bearing on you tell us the story on how she is a totally bitch towards you and your family. I'm just saying.
Also if you are so displeased with her and don't like her or your brother for that matter because of the hardship and nonsense they've put your mother through then you should say something and make them aware of the pain they are causing. The last thing you wanna do is to bitch them out later after your mom has a heart attack and dies because by then it will be too late.
make them aware of it and let them know that their BS has to stop especially to the sister-in-Law who according to you should be kissing the ground your mother walks on. Talk about ungrateful.
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Nov 01, 2009 8:52 AM GMT
[quote][cite]Guy101 said[/cite]Why'd you have to point out what race your sister-in-law is? That shouldn't have any bearing on you tell us the story on how she is a totally bitch towards you and your family. I'm just saying.quote]
Because it paints a better picture in the readers head.
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Nov 01, 2009 9:26 AM GMT
Coming from a family with a few contentious people (as I do) I think it is stressful on your Mom to think that her two sons don't get along - and are at odds with each other over this deal with your brother's wife. I have a less than swift brother too - - one that I've had a lot of trouble from over the years. It is very hard on our Mom (who is not feeling so well right now) when we bitch about each other. What I've done is to try very hard to make peace with this brother - - and our Mom is really pleased about it. Maybe something like that (a truce of sorts) would help your Mom feel better - healthier. I think that should be your focus now - - more important than settling the score with your brother and his wife. Concentrate on doing cool things for your Mom - - like you mentioned you and your b.f. are planning. Good luck!
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Nov 01, 2009 11:15 AM GMT
What is the "heart attack scare" that you describe in your OP? Did she have a heart attack or not? It reads as if she had a panic attack.
Assuming she did have a heart attack, your brother and his wife weren't the cause of your mother's heart attack. It's likely a combination of genetics, a poor diet, lack of exercise, age and stress. The negative energy you are bringing into the situation isn't helping, either.
It is highly unlikely that the diagnosis of depression is a legitimate one. No hospital employee - psychiatrist or otherwise - could diagnose someone with depression in a matter of a few hours. It's one thing if your mother is seeing a psychiatrist, and the doctor has diagnosed her after several visits. If this is the case, she should already be on meds to counter the depression. If she has started on meds, she should begin to feel better after a couple of weeks (but if she's on meds, it's possible those meds caused this medical scare. Her psychiatrist can determine this). If this isn't the case, she needs to seek counseling via a psychiatrist.
We all have the ability to channel our negative emotions toward something less destructive. This includes your mother, but it needs to start with you. Stop being a catalyst for all of her frustration. Your behavior acts like a wedge, so stop now. Don't confront your brother and his wife at all. Let it go. If his wife is really the bitch you claim she is, karma will have its turn.
Two more things, and I'll be done:
1) Your post would have been a little easier to digest had you not thrown "Chinese" into the text. Her race/nationality has absolutely nothing to do with any of this.
2) You don't want to distance your partner by saying things like, "I'm just so worried I'll lose my mother over this also, and then I'll be all alone in life." Is your partner chopped liver?
Perhaps both you and your mom should consider group counseling.
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Nov 01, 2009 11:17 AM GMT
lenoxx said[quote][cite]Guy101 said[/cite]Why'd you have to point out what race your sister-in-law is? That shouldn't have any bearing on you tell us the story on how she is a totally bitch towards you and your family. I'm just saying.quote]
Because it paints a better picture in the readers head.
Yes, it does. It paints a clear picture, but not a pretty one. |
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Nov 01, 2009 11:35 AM GMT
You should talk to the source of the problem - i.e. your brother. He's letting his wife carry on with this bullshit, and allowing her to take advantage of your mum.
If he can't support a wife (any wife) or a kid, then he shouldn't fucking get married...
You're doing the right thing supporting your mother, but be careful not to make her feel guilty for entering into the agreement in the first place - she obviously loves your brother and wants grandchildren (which mother doesn't) and hence would've done anything for your brother. What's done is done.
Your brother, as the glue between his wife and your family, is the one that needs fixing. Love your brother, but don't condone this bullshit. If there's a problem you talk to him directly. If she has a problem, he talks to her.
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Nov 01, 2009 11:51 AM GMT
If even 75% of what you are saying is true, and IF you love your mother as much as you probably do, then you should have already had a talk with your brother and/or told this bitch to leave your mother the f#*k alone.
And remember, your mother is a grown woman who is allowing herself to be treated this way.
That's how we play in New Jersey anyway. Good Luck.
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Nov 01, 2009 12:08 PM GMT
Wow this sounds way worse than my borther and his fucked up wife and mother in law. They are also going through my parents money though (not much there anyway), so it's really scary.
Moms want to do everything for thier kids - I personally think that whole thing about women having a higher tolerence for pain/discomfort is a disadvantage for them.
Please urge your Mom to expend only the minimun $ to them.
I really would try to find a lawyer to discuss the circumstances of this agreement - I mean does it allow them to abuse your Mom?
I know this is tough (maybe someone suggested it already) but can at least you, your Mom and brother consider short term family therapy? I realize it's another expenditure, but cheaper than a heart attack. good luck - J
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Nov 01, 2009 12:18 PM GMT
ThelStrat, You and I have had some pretty nasty back an forths on these forums. But reading your posts has given me pause, for the moment, over our mutual disdain. You are not speaking to your brother currently, correct? What is his take on all of this? Does he see how things are playing out? Or is he so enraptured with this bloody trollop that he has turned a blind eye? If he is not as blind as you think, then you will need his help in at least putting up a good front in front of your mum. This will help a great deal with your mum's peice of mind. On the other hand, if he is turning his back on everyone but this imported trash, then you simply will have to let your mother's husband handle dealing with those two. Be supportive of your mother, never waiver from that, but you going into battle at this point will only add to her anxiety. Before my parents and brother died, Mother and my brother Charles were at odds. Charles and I had always depised one another since birth it seemed, but I put up a good front in front of Mother and it seemed to help quite a bit. I know you are close to your mum. Your emotions are quite evident. But you can't take the lead in this. You have to play the supporting role and make this less stressful. Now behind the scenes is a different story. Hire an immigration barrister and discuss what options are open to your family. Some people here have given some great advice, and others have handed you fleckless rubbish. Take it all in, but most importantly follow your instincts. It's your family and your emotions. Be rational and calm, and let your instincts giude you. Best of luck to you. Cheers, Keith  |
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Nov 01, 2009 12:46 PM GMT
Hmmmm...some of you seem a bit put off that ThelStrat mentioned the country of origin of the sister-in-law. Well, by mentioning it he adds explanation; cultural divide and the reasons for sponsorship and immigration entanglement.
Chinese culture is not the same as North American. And knowing this gives us an advantage in advising. For instance, in Chinese culture there is pronounced emphasis on respect for elders. This actually puts Mom and Step-Dad in a more powerful position than they might think. We think, from knowing many new Canadians from China, that if they present a united front before this girl she'll tow the line.
Bear in mind, though, that also in Chinese culture prejudice is as widespread as anything found in North America (interesting similarity there). Prejudice against Toi San is a classic example. Prejudice against Vietnamese is another.
This might explain her behaviour, as she may see her husband's parents as less important than she would Chinese in-laws. She could also come from a family where she may have been the only child (Chinese gov't population control rule) and so has been spoiled rotten by her folks and is used to taking from family.
As for your brother, lol, he's wrapped around his wife's little finger, as in the case of many love-smitten men down through the ages, so that's nothing unusual.
Your step-father can have a powerful impact on this witchy wife of your brother's. He should exercise his position and personal power in the family (as seen in Chinese culture) and draw a line in the sand.
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Nov 01, 2009 1:25 PM GMT
Jetsetter99, you've been here for an astonishingly short time and you're posting THAT?
As well, ThelStrat has a large number of friends on here, in answer to your
"go discuss your problems with friends or your BF as you claim to have one..."
...now go take a cold shower and calm down.
PS This, "only very poor people from 3rd world countries are desperate to move to the US (as they always have been).... so get over it."
..shows how much you DON'T know, and shows you're pretty bigoted.
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Nov 01, 2009 1:29 PM GMT
1) Never let your sister-in-law cook dinner for everyone. 2) As a peace offering, bake your sister-in-law a chocolate cake but spike it with ex-lax. 3) Set up a fake email account and send her threatening immigration related emails. 4) Order pizza delivery from her local pizza place. 5) Use her email account to sign up for lesbian porn sites. 6) Boil her rabbit. 7) Plant pictures of beautiful naked women in your brother's underwear drawer.  Call a taxi service with instructions to pick her up and bring her to the airport. 9) Rough up her ben wah balls with a grainy sandpaper. 10) Have STD literature sent to her home addressed to her. |
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Nov 01, 2009 1:40 PM GMT
Jetsetter99 saidWhat a stupid dysfunctional society USA is -
I've always found Americans very uncultured and disrespectful of other cultures - the whole world thinks that way - only very poor people from 3rd world countries are desperate to move to the US
I would not feel any pity or sympathy for any of you... I found this post really pathetic. If this poster finds us so "dysfunctional" and disrespectful, why is he lending this US site such credibility by participating... and being disrespectful toward this country the way he claims we are toward others. If you don't like it and aren't going to be productive... get the hell out of here!  |
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Nov 01, 2009 1:41 PM GMT
Have her deported as an undesirable alien!
Actually if you talk to an immigration lawyer you may find a way to release your mother from her sponsorship contract.
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Nov 01, 2009 1:43 PM GMT
Jetsetter, it looks like your jet's been grounded before takeoff.
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Nov 01, 2009 1:55 PM GMT
McGay said1) Never let your sister-in-law cook dinner for everyone.
2) As a peace offering, bake your sister-in-law a chocolate cake but spike it with ex-lax.
3) Set up a fake email account and send her threatening immigration related emails.
4) Order pizza delivery from her local pizza place.
5) Use her email account to sign up for lesbian porn sites.
6) Boil her rabbit.
7) Plant pictures of beautiful naked women in your brother's underwear drawer.
Call a taxi service with instructions to pick her up and bring her to the airport.
9) Rough up her ben wah balls with a grainy sandpaper.
10) Have STD literature sent to her home addressed to her. Love these. How about 11) Arrange a sham reconciliation dinner. Secretly spike her food with enough MSG for lethal Chinese Restaurant Syndrome. |
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Nov 02, 2009 1:04 PM GMT
So yeah, I'm sorry if I offended anyone here. Didn't mean to sound racist or culturally insensitive. I posted this literally an hour after I got a call from my mom in the hospital. Should have been nicer in my language but i wrote out of anger and frustration. I won't use language like that again.
Thanks for the kind words of advice too. It's been a very hard 2 months. My mom will be fine as long as her blood pressure does not spike. We aren't going to talk about the situation anymore. I'm going to focus on her and getting her to relax.
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Nov 02, 2009 2:20 PM GMT
TheIStrat saidSo yeah, I'm sorry if I offended anyone here. Didn't mean to sound racist or culturally insensitive. I posted this literally an hour after I got a call from my mom in the hospital. Should have been nicer in my language but i wrote out of anger and frustration. I won't use language like that again.
Thanks for the kind words of advice too. It's been a very hard 2 months. My mom will be fine as long as her blood pressure does not spike. We aren't going to talk about the situation anymore. I'm going to focus on her and getting her to relax. I for one wasn't offended, but understood your frustrated concern over your mother's welfare, dealing with what you consider to be exploitation & abuse by her daughter-in-law. I agree with meninlove about the role of your stepfather, as I also wrote much earlier in the thread (assuming he's with your mother). The Boys from Canada point out in detail what I had left between the lines, that in Chinese culture the senior generation can have great authority, especially the males. In other words, this ball could be in your stepfather's court, if he'll get involved. Battles between mothers and their daughters-in-law are also not uncommon in Chinese society, a nearly universal trait seen in many cultures. It's also for this reason that mentioning your sister-in-law's Chinese background is appropriate for this situation, and not racist. It explains the fact of the immigration arrangement, and also introduces cultural considerations in understanding & resolving this problem, as meninlove state. Now that your brother is married to her, I'm not sure if her alien status can be called into question by US Immigration, as some have hinted here. You almost made it sound like your mother had legally sponsored her coming to the US, but is it just that your mother undertook the costs on behalf of your brother? If so, then your brother also bears some responsibility, to ensure that your mother is promptly compensated, and to encourage his wife to show appropriate appreciation & respect to her. Perhaps his wife isn't fully aware of the uncommon role your mother has played, and how special that is here in the US, your brother downplaying it for his own purposes, or simply not realizing himself how his wife may be perceiving all your mother has done. In China, her husband's family supporting her may be expected, whereas here it is more exceptional. Perhaps all the parties concerned need to take a course in Human Cultural Differences 101. As a stranger to our US culture & customs, your sister-in-law may be lacking information that your brother is failing to give her. Getting it from others besides your brother may be suspect in her mind, even seen as an attack on her husband, so I think he's the one who has to explain this to her. And, as stated before, her stepfather-in-law. And I see a much lesser role for you in this. Support & comfort your mother, and talk with your brother & stepfather. But I'm not sure you can directly intervene, which your sister-in-law would likely resent & reject. |
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Nov 02, 2009 2:34 PM GMT
"The fact your sister-in-law is Chinese is not important, but you mentioned it several times."
It is very important: a large part of the issue is that she is sponsored by TSīs mum.
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Nov 02, 2009 2:44 PM GMT
Red_Vespa saidTheIStrat said
As a stranger to our US culture & customs, your sister-in-law may be lacking information that your brother is failing to give her.
USA has a culture???? That's news to me... haha |
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Nov 02, 2009 3:31 PM GMT
If the man marries the immigrant, she is no longer in need of sponsorship. Nowhere in the OP did it state that the OP's mom is sponsoring or had sponsored the wife. The OP rambles on about $10K for a wedding and $30K for home renovation,as well as an undisclosed amount of $ to support the married couple, all being costs that the mother could easily have avoided.
Again, the OP was wrong for bringing race into the discussion because it holds no weight.
Please correct me if I'm wrong. Maybe I'm not reading the OP correctly, but I don't think so.
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Nov 02, 2009 3:38 PM GMT
Here Tapper, "The problem is that for this girl to enter the country, my mom had to sign an agreement with the federal government saying she was legally obligated for all financial obligations for this girl. She can't get out of it for 3 years." This is from another post by ThelStrat further down the thread.  |
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Nov 02, 2009 3:59 PM GMT
Hey Bro, Im really sorry to hear that. She's gotta focus on herself and your bro needs to take his head out of his ass and learn that family comes first. She could jump ship at any moment and run back to China.... look at the one guy that had kids and got a divorce from his Japanese wife and then she takes the kids and runs to Japan and he has no right there... tries to take them back and now he's sitting in a Japanese jail. Sooo much shit and its not worth it. I wish you the best and you gotta do what you can to take care of yourself and your momma. She needs to just say sorry but Ive done enough but if your mom is anything like mine.. you and I know she won't. Get her to go outside a bit more... maybe work in the yard.. make a flower garden with her I know when my mom gets kind of depressed that help her feel better. Good luck buddy. I really do wish you the best.
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Nov 02, 2009 4:06 PM GMT
Jetsetter99 saidUSA has a culture???? That's news to me... haha Well I suppose being uncultured can be a cultural trait. |
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Nov 02, 2009 4:06 PM GMT
Tapper saidIf the man marries the immigrant, she is no longer in need of sponsorship. Nowhere in the OP did it state that the OP's mom is sponsoring or had sponsored the wife. The OP rambles on about $10K for a wedding and $30K for home renovation,as well as an undisclosed amount of $ to support the married couple, all being costs that the mother could easily have avoided.
Again, the OP was wrong for bringing race into the discussion because it holds no weight.
Please correct me if I'm wrong. Maybe I'm not reading the OP correctly, but I don't think so. you are corrected. you are wrong. you are reading racism into a situation where it does NOT exist. |
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Nov 02, 2009 6:21 PM GMT
meninlove said
Here Tapper, "The problem is that for this girl to enter the country, my mom had to sign an agreement with the federal government saying she was legally obligated for all financial obligations for this girl. She can't get out of it for 3 years."
This is from another post by ThelStrat further down the thread. Ahh, thank you. This helps. |
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Nov 02, 2009 6:32 PM GMT
Jetsetter99 said
USA has a culture???? That's news to me... haha
Most RJers know me as a pretty reasonable guy and keep most of my criticism to a minimum.. but I don't understand you at all. You list New York and London as your residence and then you condemn this country and about about everything associated with it. If you don't like it here, then get off of RJ and move the hell out of this country. I don't like people who bitch about it, then go on living here. Move back to London or a 3rd world country that you find more appealing. |
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Nov 02, 2009 6:35 PM GMT
HndsmKansan saidJetsetter99 said
USA has a culture???? That's news to me... haha
Most RJers know me as a pretty reasonable guy and keep most of my
criticism to a minimum.. but I don't understand you at all.
You list New York and London as your residence and then you condemn this country and about about everything associated with it. If you don't like it here, then get off of RJ and move the hell out of this country. I don't like people who bitch about it, then go on living here. Move back to London or
a 3rd world country that you find more appealing. Amen! |
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Nov 02, 2009 6:46 PM GMT
ThelStrat, there's something that I was taught by my ex-wife a very long time ago... You can't fix everything, and you don't need to. It's not your responsibility. Love your Mom, listen and support her. She is your Stepfather's responsibility. Believe me on this -- I know, because I am a stepfather (as pertains to my ex-wife's family), and a father. She is HIS number one priority. Yours is your boyfriend/partner. This is a VERY important principle to understand.
I really do feel for you in this situation. I can't begin to understand how you feel, because everyone responds differently to any given situation.
I will suggest that you let your Mom and Stepdad handle this from here on out, and just validate your Mother's feelings, and be a sounding board for them.
When cross-cultural relationships occur, there can be a lot of friction, misunderstanding, and offense taken where none is meant. I know this from experience, too.
Women also view the world in an entirely different way than men, and there are things that are important to them that are not as important to us (men). Again, experience.
Parents have difficulty letting go of their children, and even more difficulty allowing them to make their own mistakes. You seem to be taking on both the role of a parent, and a spouse to your mother. My oldest stepson did that with my ex-wife, as a teenager, and it caused no end of problems.
So my thoughts are to offer your observations, and opinions, learn to hold your anger (at least in front of your mother, and your sister in law), validate your Mom (and Stepdad), and focus your energies on your relationship with your boyfriend.
It's my belief that doing this will allow things to heal, and help your Mom and Stepdad to grow closer, and drop a few of the stress-inducing agents from your Mom's life.
I really hope that the situation gets better, and that you will be able to look at it with different eyes and make the best of a situation over which you have little to NO control.
If you ever want to talk, message me.
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Nov 02, 2009 7:18 PM GMT
Few questions...how long has your sister-in-law been here? How hard is your brother working to get a job? What sort of support network is there for your sister-in-law? Seeing as how she is the focus of your ire, what options do you have at your disposal to minimize her presence in your life? How old is your mother?
Is the Chinese bitch hasnt been here that long, like a year or less, mom's medical issues probably dont stem from her presence...she might not help the situation, but probably isnt the root of the issue. Can you help your brother find a job anywhere? the more he can provide, the less mom has to. Does the sister-in-law have friends or family here? find ways to keep her as far from mom as possible...while not being an ass...the less she is around mom the better. Finally get the facts about your mothers health condition, depression and hypertension can both be alleviated with medication (i know the cost is there but its better than the alternative)
Its often easier to push people away than it is to open up to them...see what you can do to get your sister-in-law financially independent from your mother.
Keep it positive...remember, whatever you put out into the universe, comes back on you threefold.
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Nov 04, 2009 6:34 AM GMT
just an observation: some of you are critical of his mentioning that the sister-in-law is chinese, and that it doesn't matter that she's chinese... this is not true - it may matter very much. chinese culture and american culture have so little in common that knowing she is chinese is actually VERY important: i'm beginning to wonder if there isn't in all this some horrible case of miscommunication about expectations that is fueling her attitude?
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Nov 04, 2009 9:59 AM GMT
Dancerjack, my point exactly, when I mention cross-cultural relationships. It's one thing to be from this country and Chinese, and another, totally, to be Chinese and from China. This has nothing to do with race, it has everything to do with culture. I've lived in an Asian country, and the way that people perceive the world and others, and people's roles in society is totally different.
I know an American guy (former Mormon missionary) who, after his mission, went back to Japan to marry the girl he fell in love with on his mission. He brought her back to the US, but the marriage disintigrated within a year, because of cultural differences. Both were Mormon, and both were and are wonderful people, but the ways of thinking are alien to each other.
Nobody's fault, really, just the way things were, and it was too traumatizing to try to change from one culture to another for her, and the adjustment was too difficult for him, as well.
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Nov 04, 2009 10:38 AM GMT
Hmmm...i don't buy your story ...why is everyone on his side....i think the original poster should also be blamed for his owns mother heart attack. As mothers hate to see their children argue. I am sure hes not innocent in this drama....and to type "Chinese wife""Chinese cunt"...couldn't you just say wife....as if being Chinese makes her a total different type of spouse......and i don't believe anything you say about her being a bitch( if she was, you wouldn't know as she would put up a front)as from what i know....and i have Asian and some asian family members by marriage, friends.....if she moves to this country....with her husband..there is a high percentage that she would respect her in laws.....as its in the culture to do so. Further more its usually the Mother in law that interferes with a marriage..not the brother. Stop painting this image of a angry crazy Chinese demon of a wife to make yourself look good as its not cute. So i don't buy your story of innocence....and why wouldn't she take a job??? that is soo not how Asian women are.....they love to be independent.  Help your mom recover and keep your mouth shut on the situation. |
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Nov 04, 2009 11:39 AM GMT
That kind of woman would be considered a major bitch in china. You just don`t disrepect your mother-in-law like that, especially when she is doing you a huge favor and helping you out.
I do wonder if there`s more to the story though.
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Nov 04, 2009 11:59 AM GMT
Caslon12000 saidI would say dont be haranguing your mom. That will only add to the stress. She needs comfort, calmness, support, and company. Not lectures. Hold your sermons for another time. They arent helping at this time. Turn her attention to things that are pleasant for her and absorb her attention so that she will relax. Stay in your room and shake if you cant put your anger for your sister-in-law aside. I agree with Caslon12000, your mother needs comfort and support from you. Take care of her. |
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Nov 04, 2009 12:13 PM GMT
Family issues are tough
There are multi-layers of things going on here
Your sister-in-law is probably taking advantage of the situation ... yes
But your brother has to say something about this as well
Your mother did sign an agreement
But that doesn't mean she needs to take abuse and there sounds like there are issues with your mom both physical and emotional apart from your brother and sister-in-law
Talk to your mom
be there for her and see if she needs any professional assistance to get her through this
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Nov 04, 2009 4:01 PM GMT
tereseus1 that was an incredibly unkind and untrue post.
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Nov 04, 2009 4:15 PM GMT
IStrat
I'm sorry you and your family are going through this. Family conflict is nightmarish - especially when it starts affecting people's health.
One of the things that makes these situations tricky is that, with the very best will in the world, you can not provide your mother with independent, unbiased advice directly solely at helping her understand her situation, her feelings and her options.
I do not for a millisecond doubt your concern or your good intentions, but you are entwined in the situation too and your mother knows that.
It's not a pretty thing to think about, but it would be completely natural and understandable if, mixed into your view of your mother as victim, you aren't angry with your Mom too for not putting some boundaries in place and protecting herself. It's this kind of dynamic that might make it less than ideal for you to be your mother's primary advisor through this crisis.
My advice would be to help your mother find a counselor to talk to about all of this. She may want to start with her primary care doctor as she may need medicine, at least in the short run, to hold her blood pressure in check and a primary care doctor may be able to help with that or refer her to a cardiologist and/or psychotherapist as required.
If you have access to counseling resources, I would suggest that you use them as well.
All the best.
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Nov 04, 2009 4:20 PM GMT
meninlove said
tereseus1 that was an incredibly unkind and untrue post.
agree! TOTALLY uncalled for. |
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Nov 04, 2009 4:41 PM GMT
sundayswim said"....my mom had to sign an agreement with the federal government saying she was legally obligated for all financial obligations for this girl"
I'm NOT a lawyer, but there must a way out- as there is no certainty that the sponsor (your mother) will continue to have the funds- and i'm pretty certain that the US GOVT would side with its citizens over immigrants if things don't work out. ie the girl may have to leave in 30 days and go back to her country of origin (which you have reminded us 3 times, is china)
I totally agree, seek legal counseling regarding this issue to break the agreement of responsibility. I think your Mother thinks it's her ass on the line when in fact it is the sister-in-law's. |
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Nov 04, 2009 8:14 PM GMT
meninlove said
tereseus1 that was an incredibly unkind and untrue post.
and????? .. im the devils advocate today. |
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Nov 05, 2009 2:17 AM GMT
That's fine, tereseus1, but you're slamming a real person, not an artificial construct. Perhaps you could preface that kind of a post with this last post of yours.
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Nov 05, 2009 2:30 AM GMT
The responsibility lies with your brother. If he felt responsible enough to marry and take a wife he shoudl be ready to provide the support and not live with mommy (along with the wife).
If he was capable of teaching English in China he could certainly get a teaching job here in the U.S. so he has no excuse in not being able to find work. Sure it's a teachers salary but it is what it is. Sounds spoiled rotten to me!
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Nov 05, 2009 3:22 AM GMT
Tell your brother and his mean wife that your mom is like Mother Mary. they will have to respect her and help her now. That chinese woman need to listen and respect under her husband rules. Because all the money, house and everything own by his mother. If she didn't listen... Have your mom call a cop on her. So that she will get busted. Your brother can't do nothing about that. He have to respect your mother no matter what.
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Nov 05, 2009 1:11 PM GMT
meninlove said
That's fine, tereseus1, but you're slamming a real person, not an artificial construct. Perhaps you could preface that kind of a post with this last post of yours. well no..as the original poster just irked me when he kept mentioning his family or this woman as "the Chinese woman" and it set the tone for everyone else who jumped on the band wagon and kept typing "mean Chinese woman" etc.....i find that offensive...as he could have just typed "sister in law"...or "brother's wife"....so don't come down on me because im typing what everyone else failed to type...So if his brother married a black person or Mexican..would we be reading "black woman" or Mexican of a wife" spare me "men in love" and get off my case this is an open forum and we can type our opinions. Referring to the persons racial origin implies he obviously has a problem with his brother marrying of a different race....any psychologist could read into that. |
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Nov 05, 2009 1:23 PM GMT
Sounds like you need to call in Jack and Johnson and make sure that bitch sees you kick your brother's ass. Seriously....
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Nov 05, 2009 1:37 PM GMT
I don't think ThelStrat was being racist, though I found the original mentioning of the sisters-in-laws race unfortunate.
However he has apologised and it was written in anger.
There's some great advice here ThelStrat, which I'm sure you'll take on board.
My advice. Look after your Mum and try to make her life as unstressful as possible. If your brother won't step up to the plate and sort out the problem, then are you able to get everyone around the table and discuss this?
Try not to make it too personal. You win arguments by keeping calm.
Lozx
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Nov 05, 2009 2:55 PM GMT
lol tereseus, replace chinese with german or polish or english or even canadian. Is that racist? No, Because there are people of many races that are born in the above countries. In this case chinese is her country, culture, AND race (which incidentally is asian, not necessarily chinese as her parents ancestry could have come from any of the asian countries)
Expressing opinions is fine, but how we express them is also important.
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Nov 17, 2009 11:06 AM GMT
Maybe she's not such a bitch.
She is completely out of her element. Coming from China to US is a big move. Her customs are different. She probably was told a tall tale by your brother before she came and everything has gone wrong.
I think your best bet would be to make peace with her and try and get the family united again. Otherwise, she IS the victim and you come across as the aggressive little queen.
Be the bigger one.
WJ
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Nov 17, 2009 10:49 PM GMT
Alright ThelStrat, many of us were drawn to your little plight and gave some pretty emotional and sincere advice. (or whatever you would like to call it.) So what is going on in your saga? And what did you think about some of the things that were said here? Was it helpful, comforting? -Keith |
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Nov 18, 2009 12:08 AM GMT
Yes...update please
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Nov 18, 2009 1:00 AM GMT
Mother is on anti-depressants because of everything. I think the two of us invested too much emotionally in it. When my dad died, my family fell apart. My brother ran to china and was gone for 5 years, and I dealt with coming out, getting over the death of a parent, and breaking away from religion that had caused a lot of guilt and shame growing up. My mom got remarried and was distant for a time too.
I think that by the time my brother and his wife moved here 7 months ago, my mom and I had worked out what had happened with me feeling abandoned by her when she ran off with my now-stepfather leaving me to deal with everything alone, and we were both hoping that after 5 years, maybe we would have a stable family for once. And that just didn't happen, and it led to a lot of bad feelings for everyone.
I'm hurt because I've been treated like a burden, which brought back all sorts of ugly memories back from my adolescence and when i was 18-21. I'm hurt because I took a lot of crap from my sister-in-law and brother and when I finally snapped, I was thrown under the bus by them, and they've shunned me. My mom feels used and unappreciated, and that this girl is a spoiled brat who doesn't like her despite all my mother has done for her.
She decided and I supported the decision to cancel Thanksgiving as a family event because she is hurt and stressed and wants to enjoy herself. and you know what, she deserves it. I told her it was the right thing to do, so I'll be doing something else. And I am avoiding my brother and wife because I just can;t deal with rejection anymore from my family. I just can't deal with it. There's too much hurt there for me.
And for those of you (Terseus), who think I'm a racist, I'm not. I think that some people are too quick to read racism into one's comments when it doesn't even exist. Chinese isn't even a race, it's an ethnicity. I said she was Chinese because she is, and that's the biggest defining feature to her, both for herself and for us, even eclipsing the fact that she is my brother's wife. I don't give a shit that she is Chinese. I went to the Chinese wedding in Lanzhou, China in August of 2008, to represent my family's side there, and I was treated with respect there and enjoyed their culture thoroughly. That people like Terseus thought that upset me a great deal, because I don't have a problem with her because she is Chinese, I have a problem with her because she is not a nice person who has disrespected my mother and me. I was upset, and said words I shouldn't have, but I thought my mother was possibly going to die, after having my hopes for a normal family being completely dashed again, which was crushing for me.
So there's an update. It's still a bad situation, and I'm really dreading Christmas.
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Nov 18, 2009 1:06 AM GMT
Hang in there handsome. I've been there. It is just one Thanksgiving and one Christmas. Things will get better and it sounds like you're handling the issues well.
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Nov 18, 2009 1:47 AM GMT
Thel, I think the best thing you can do right now is cut the umbilical cord and not depend on your family for anything. (I don't say to end all contact, just don't expect anything) Create your own gay family that you can depend on for support, love, friendship and holidays. (I know that is easier said than done and will take a while, years prob).
If you have gone home to your family for the holidays every year, this year plan on doing something else (travel, be with friends, volunteer,... anything that will make you feel good and not miss holidays with the family).
Don't stay involved in the stress between your mom and your brother & sil. It is causing you to much pain.
Once you have established your independence, you can get back in closer contact to your family, esp your mom. When you don't need them anymore, you have much more freedom to say what's on your mind or end things if it becomes to difficult again.
As for your bro, try to talk to him when he is by himself.
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