Do they always know?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 07, 2009 2:05 AM GMT
    I was reading a post and the follow up replies about a comming out story, and the same fact kept repeating itself, "my parents already knew" so I ask the maybe obvious question, Do they always (or most of the times) know already?

    I would imagine after a certain age, without public datting life, they would wonder, but are to afraid to be wrong or in some cases right. I would very much hear your take on this.
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    Nov 07, 2009 2:19 AM GMT
    If they know gays exist, they know
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 07, 2009 4:07 AM GMT
    Ok, let's say they know, is it ok for they to ask? Or should they wait until you are ready? For me it's been always a fear been ask the question by my parents, (although indirectly I've been)
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    Nov 07, 2009 5:19 AM GMT
    "most others who likely do know don't seem to know what to do with that knowledge," I compleatly agree, it seems in most cases it's a don't ask don't tell policy we keep at home, when neither party wants to talk about the subject. But, in this day and age, the subject is going to come up eventually, even if it's because of a tv show, a national debate, a casual conversation.

    It's hard no knowing how they will react when they get confirmation, will they be furious, mad, accepting, disapointed, sad, relieved, or be like... So?; it's actually scary

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    Nov 07, 2009 5:55 AM GMT
    even if you're very straight acting ( or thinking you are ) , as they don't see you getting all obsessed over pussy by age 15 , they'll start thinking.
    often they will respect your desire to remain closeted . Teenagers are tricky to handle, and often parents simply don't quite know how .
    i never came out to my dad , but after he was dead i stopped pretending. ( we had a difficult relationship, not bad, just awkward ).
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    Nov 07, 2009 6:06 AM GMT
    Mine didnt know - but I saw a lot of women and that's what threw them off. But they should've known because I cut my own hair ................yea I used to have hair.....icon_rolleyes.gif
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    Nov 07, 2009 6:08 AM GMT


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  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Nov 07, 2009 6:50 AM GMT
    One of my friends told me it was very hard for him to tell his parents that he was gay.
    They told him that they already knew.
    He was incredulous, asking them why they never said anything.
    They said that they were afraid of hurting his feelings.

    For me, I just lived my life.
    I was out of the house and on my own.
    If my father and step mother ever figured it out (I think they did), they never said anything to me.
    My mother is a psychotic religious nut who thinks it's her fault that I'm gay. Good. As long as she stays on her coast and I stay on mine, we get along great.

    One time, my sister told me, "Everybody knows, but nobody talks about it."
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    Nov 07, 2009 6:56 AM GMT
    My parents didn't know. Mom told me she was shocked, which is weird because I never talk about girls.
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Nov 07, 2009 6:58 AM GMT
    I'm sure that most guys are afraid of complete rejection from the two people who they are supposed to be able to count on to love and support them pretty much unconditionally, for the rest of their lives.
    To risk losing that love and support is very scary for many guys.
    And, if their parents do reject them, it can be devastating.

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    Nov 07, 2009 7:54 AM GMT
    Mine knew.. apparently my family talked about me behind my back and they all knew and were just waiting for me to say it. Ha. (never having a girlfriend is kinda a give away)
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    Nov 07, 2009 3:33 PM GMT
    Webster666 saidI'm sure that most guys are afraid of complete rejection from the two people who they are supposed to be able to count on to love and support them pretty much unconditionally, for the rest of their lives.
    To risk losing that love and support is very scary for many guys.
    And, if their parents do reject them, it can be devastating.



    This is true.. I had a friend who's parents literally kicked him out of their lives. He was devastated! He cherished his mother and thought she would at least be supportive. He has moved on and now his friends have become his family.
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    Nov 07, 2009 4:10 PM GMT
    my dad knew but my mom was clueless.
  • drypin

    Posts: 1798

    Nov 07, 2009 4:24 PM GMT
    Mine had no idea, which seems absurd given what a prancing lightweight I was but hey. I think it was a case of "can't see the forest for the trees". They were too close.
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Nov 07, 2009 4:29 PM GMT
    Hmmm....well I sorta came out to my youngest sister and my mother when I was 14. I never really specifically told my dad, but what mom knows, dad eventually knows.

    I met a woman my first year in college, at KGLF(kent gay lesbian foundation). She was a "pretty" lesbian. We were best friends for 18 years. Basically my parents had the idea we were dating all those years. Although my parents knew, they still thought maybe I wasn't. Anyhow, my dad always thought I would eventually get married.

    I really never had too many mannerisms or "gay" characteristics that straight people ignorantly look for. I love the company of women, but I was still masculine, so my parents were completely confused, lol!
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19138

    Nov 07, 2009 5:05 PM GMT
    If you had girlfriends and dated than maybe the parents were thrown off, but if you've never had a girlfriend or dated women at all, and you're in your 20's, the writing is pretty much on the wall. I'd bet 95% of the time the mom knows already. Moms just have an instinct about these things. Straight boys are into girls, and gay boys, well, they just aren't.
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    Nov 07, 2009 5:28 PM GMT
    I would say 95% of the time parents know. I knew my parents knew about me. It was just hard getting myself to admit it to everyone. Once I told them, my mom and dad said they have known for a while, they are totally cool with it . My older brother said he has known since I was a kid! HAHA, Im not sure how...bottom line, Im pretty sure they know icon_biggrin.gif
  • Little_Spoon

    Posts: 1562

    Nov 07, 2009 5:30 PM GMT
    You would think so, wouldn't you?

    I'm sure she did.

    icon_mad.gif
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    Nov 07, 2009 5:42 PM GMT
    You would think they would. I've never had a girlfriend (but I always had friends that were girls) and I've never even bothered to pretend I had any interest in cars or football. But my mom had a really bad reaction at first when I came out to her; I guess she was totally floored by it. And I'm constantly surprised how many people I come out to (friends, neighbors, co-workers) had no idea and are totally surprised to find out I'm gay. They probably imagine gay men are all like Jack on Will & Grace, and I suppose I just don't conform to the idea they had in their heads of what a gay man is like. But even my best friend Tim from grade school, who himself is gay and who has some pretty good gaydar, said he always thought I was straight when I first came out to him (right after he came out to me - this was when we were both in college).

    A funny/weird story about this topic and gyms: Many years later, Tim and I were both living in Cleveland, and we both belonged to the Fitworks gym in Tower City downtown. This was *the* gay gym in Cleveland in the '90s. I loved that place - best gym I ever belonged to! Anyways, whenever we would go to the gym after work, all the gay boys would always go up to Tim and start talking to him (gym gossip, chit chat), but none of them would ever come up and start talking to me like that, except for a few guys that I already knew from outside the gym. I mentioned it to Tim and wondered why that was, and he said, "Because they think you're straight." That floored me. And what does that say about how gay men interact with straight men, or men they think are straight?
  • jlly_rnchr

    Posts: 1759

    Nov 07, 2009 6:05 PM GMT
    I was totally surprised that my dad had no clue. He caught me watching Ugly Betty one night, he had to have known.
  • MSUBioNerd

    Posts: 1813

    Nov 07, 2009 6:40 PM GMT
    I think my mother suspected, but she died before I came out so I can't be sure.

    My father was genuinely surprised, despite my step mother having figured it out and asking him about it repeatedly years before I came out. He wasn't upset, just didn't see it.

    On the other hand, I've known a number of parents who not only didn't see it coming, but who reacted very poorly to finding out. While it's not unusual for a parent to have already known, it's certainly not universal.
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    Nov 07, 2009 8:16 PM GMT
    Neophoenician said And what does that say about how gay men interact with straight men, or men they think are straight?


    I just talk to them normally. But I don´t go to the gym for gossip. You´d have had to have smiled at me a lot before i chatted more than I do to everyone.

    Very funny: in the pilates studio where i was training, the teachers had NO idea at ALL. People have stereotypes and if you don´t fit the stereotypes people can´t see what is in front of them.
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    Nov 07, 2009 11:10 PM GMT
    Mine wouldn't believe it - - - and later, out of my presence in her car - stopped along the road somewhere - pounding on the steering wheel, saying "How could he do this to me - to our family?" Later, after discussing it with her friends and shrink, she found out it was kind of chic - and got to be rather pleased about "his decision to join the gays and their faction."

    So you see - there is no way I could have been born this way - - - not to her family.
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    Nov 08, 2009 12:11 AM GMT
    Gosh, all your stories are different but yet so similar, making one point very clear.

    I'm pretty sure my dad knows, he kind of ask me once, he was like "you're not gay right, I rather be dead than having a gay son" and I think my mom is still hopeful, constantly asking her friends with sons about my age if they have girlfriends (weirly no)

    I think I'm in the comming out process, but it's just hard as most of you know. Feels like bungy jumping altought the hardest part is not doing it, but what comes after.
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    Nov 08, 2009 1:51 AM GMT
    My mom said she always knew my sister was but that she never suspected with me. Go figure. icon_neutral.gif