Why am I not over him yet?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 07, 2009 3:51 AM GMT
    So here's the deal. My ex of four years broke up with me on May 5th. It's been six months. It was the first long term relationship for both of us.

    I'm 37, he's 27. When we met he was in a bad place in his life with drugs. He had pretty much hit rock bottom. His sponsor asked me if I could help by letting him stay as there was nowhere for him to go. So I did. It took him 6 months to finally get sober and stay that way. It was just after that that he fell in love with me, and I had already been in love with him. He worked a 12 step program and made lots of friends, who became our mutual friends. He is still sober and strong in his program.

    He never saw the gay community as anything other than the drug and club scene, and since he's cleaned up he has discovered the truth about the community. He saw that there was much more out there. And that's the reason he gave me for leaving - he wanted to experience life single, sober, and responsible for his own stuff, without me as a net.

    The strong point of our relationship was our friendship, our goofiness together, our inside jokes, etc, and when we split, we tried (and are still trying) to preserve that. But what I'm finding is that I'm still in a lot of pain at times like this weekend. He has a friend whom he met a couple months ago staying with him and they, and our mutual friends, will be hanging out all weekend. So, I feel left out, betrayed, and really hurt. I'm fine when he and I hang out, but when I'm obviously replaced I can't shake the loneliness.

    So I get online, or go to the gym or work overtime. I try to meet new people. But that has been difficult. I stay away from our mutual friends and the places we hung out. But when he wants to hang out I'm all for it.

    It's been difficult to meet new people because in the back of my mind i feel he left because he knew he could do better. So when I go to meet new people I feel gun shy. "I already know how this ends," I think to myself. But I also know that's not fair to the other person either.

    So I don't know how long this takes to get over, but what I do know about myself is that when I fall in love, I fall hard, and I'm loyal to a fault. I seem to give more than I can afford.

    Please let me know your thoughts.

    -Mike
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 07, 2009 4:51 AM GMT

    I'm shocked his sponsor would suggest you do that without warning you. He was basically asking you to be a caretaker, which is a thankless job. All you wind up doing is mending their wings and watching them fly away; you're expected to garner satisfaction from just that....but we are humans, are we not?

    My one fear is that you will become jaded over this, don't do that, but I couldn't blame you for steering clear of fixer uppers in the future. This sounds terrible, but had you asked earlier, I would have suggested you bide your time until he'd completed the program, that way you'd be part of the new life waiting and not part of the old life he moved on from.

    The thing with him sorta hijacking your friends, and hanging around you with no apparent regard to how you feel is the nature of recovery, which is why being a caretaker is so hard. They have to be selfish to get beyond their illness or addiction and you have to be giving to help them. What lies ahead is he'll keep you informed of his progress and will utilize, to the maximum, the advantages (your friends, locality, and acquaintances) that you set in place. You'll want something in return, but he's the recovering one, you're just fine and won't receive much. I say all of this because I suspect you haven't seen it this way and I hope it'll help you to take pride in what you did for another person and find comfort in that.

    Cutting to the chase, I'd advise, since you've been damaged, to be very selfish in your recovery (it's natural anyway), which means : go off on your own if you need to, and branch out the same way he is, to a degree, by making new friends and spending time pursuing a new romance for yourself.
    Don't hold your breath waiting for him to pay you attention, he's so high right now on life, I doubt he can see you. Don't jump like an excited puppy when he wants to hang either. If he knows you have more of a life than that, it may serve to make him more intrigued, but don't let him lead you. Most important, don't shut yourself up, broken bones don't mend that way.

    I am familiar to this : I was the wounded bird once and after that man poured months of love and compassion into seeing me well, I sprung up from that bed and flew away without much regard to his feelings. I was just glad to be well and thought my being well made him happy (see). I've also been the caretaker and once I realized that I had poured so much energy, time, and emotions into a person's wellness without even any recognition, just the knowledge of what I'd done for the person, THEN I realized how that man felt.

    What did I learn from it : exactly what to expect the next time I save a wounded bird and maybe a little insight into how to act if I'm ever the one saved again. Maybe I could override nature and show some freakin gratitude, compassion, and more tact. Your friend will learn this too, us gay guys have a soft spot for wounded birds.


  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 07, 2009 5:08 AM GMT

    Oh...wow. What GuiltyGear said.

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    Nov 07, 2009 5:15 AM GMT

    and a hot spot for unicorns. icon_redface.gif
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    Nov 07, 2009 5:50 AM GMT
    GG...that was inspiring and beautiful...thank you...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 07, 2009 6:00 AM GMT
    Thanks to GG for taking the time to share his insight.
    I have little places in me that belong to the guys I loved. It takes a long time to get over some of this stuff, and I still miss some of my exes and am grateful for the ones that wanted to stay friends. Try to be patient with yourself and good luck -
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    Nov 07, 2009 6:53 AM GMT
    I can't offer anything better than what GG has. He's been there. I too, like Jawrhed, always save room in my heart for the people I've loved. Once you're in there, you never leave. Sort of like a roach motel. (lol) You can check in, but you can't check out. There is one big difference, in my case. Perhaps indicative of a major character flaw, but I absolutely cannot remain friends with someone I've loved, once it's over. When I love, I jump in all the way. Just being friends kills me...I have tried, but I cannot do it.

    Now if you can be friends with this guy, fine, but if it is too hard on you, let it go, man...just let it go.
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Nov 07, 2009 7:02 AM GMT
    I was about 2 years getting over the guy whom I thought of as the one great love of my life. I always regretted how I handled the end of it, later thinking that the relationship might have been saved if I had only agreed to his suggestion to talk things over. Shrug.
  • drypin

    Posts: 1798

    Nov 07, 2009 7:52 AM GMT
    I'd be surprised if many people on this website or off it would tell you six months isn't a very short time to heal a broken heart.

    When a year has passed you might feel quite differently.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Nov 07, 2009 11:11 AM GMT
    All of what GG said is true
    But in hindsight I don't think that is going to help you get over your loss
    Whenever we lose someone in our lives through a breakup or a death we need time to mourn the loss of the relationship
    Going out and immediately meeting another guy isn't going to work
    you'll always compare and it will only feel empty
    You need to make yourself busy
    get your mind off all of this break up stuff
    Do things that you enjoy .... for yourself
    go out on hikes
    bake cakes or whatever it is
    stay away from clubs and bars
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 07, 2009 11:40 AM GMT
    Hooray for GuiltyGear

    I think a lot of us have been there. In my case the guy was also straight.

    I'm sure I mistook nurture for love.

    I’m afraid that I have become jaded; in that, when I run into someone that has a broken wing I tend to run in the other direction, not wanting to invest in a relationship that is only going to drain me.

    Sadly my partner feels the same way, which could explain why we do not have many close friends.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 07, 2009 1:10 PM GMT
    Ever, after 6 months of suffering it is time to pull out the big guns and exorcise him from your life. While you're still in touch with him, every time you hang out together you are reminded of what was and dream of what could be again.
    Erase his phone-#
    Don't answer his calls
    Don't read his emails, texts and tweets
    unfriend him on facebook
    Hide the pictures, toss the souvenirs, erase the music of your relationship
    Don't hang out together (d'oh)

    Then
    Do stuff that makes you feel good
    Do stuff you couldn't do with him
    Do stuff you can only do while single
    Start new things
    Join a sports team
    become involved in politics

    You sound like a great catch. You can do so much better than him.

    Have fun

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 07, 2009 3:41 PM GMT
    I generally give myself 1/3 of the time the relationship lasted, to finish processing it and put it behind me.
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    Nov 07, 2009 4:00 PM GMT
    Thanks guys for all you have said. I truly appreciate your advice.

    This weekend I've chosen to attend Camp Courage. A training event for gay marriage activists. It lasts 8 hours a day both Saturday and Sunday.

    I figured I could learn how to help the community, meet new people, and stay busy this weekend so as not to think about him so much. (I really like the "meet new people" part!)

    So I'll be checking in later tonight.

    Thanks again!
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    Nov 07, 2009 4:07 PM GMT
    EverBetter saidSo here's the deal. My ex of four years broke up with me on May 5th. It's been six months. It was the first long term relationship for both of us.

    I'm 37, he's 27. When we met he was in a bad place in his life with drugs. He had pretty much hit rock bottom. His sponsor asked me if I could help by letting him stay as there was nowhere for him to go. So I did. It took him 6 months to finally get sober and stay that way. It was just after that that he fell in love with me, and I had already been in love with him. He worked a 12 step program and made lots of friends, who became our mutual friends. He is still sober and strong in his program.

    He never saw the gay community as anything other than the drug and club scene, and since he's cleaned up he has discovered the truth about the community. He saw that there was much more out there. And that's the reason he gave me for leaving - he wanted to experience life single, sober, and responsible for his own stuff, without me as a net.

    The strong point of our relationship was our friendship, our goofiness together, our inside jokes, etc, and when we split, we tried (and are still trying) to preserve that. But what I'm finding is that I'm still in a lot of pain at times like this weekend. He has a friend whom he met a couple months ago staying with him and they, and our mutual friends, will be hanging out all weekend. So, I feel left out, betrayed, and really hurt. I'm fine when he and I hang out, but when I'm obviously replaced I can't shake the loneliness.

    So I get online, or go to the gym or work overtime. I try to meet new people. But that has been difficult. I stay away from our mutual friends and the places we hung out. But when he wants to hang out I'm all for it.

    It's been difficult to meet new people because in the back of my mind i feel he left because he knew he could do better. So when I go to meet new people I feel gun shy. "I already know how this ends," I think to myself. But I also know that's not fair to the other person either.

    So I don't know how long this takes to get over, but what I do know about myself is that when I fall in love, I fall hard, and I'm loyal to a fault. I seem to give more than I can afford.

    Please let me know your thoughts.

    -Mike


    It's security and we are here to shut his shit down! Drop him like he dropped you like a bad habit. After all you did for him and he goes and does that shit. Fuck him! Granted my situation was NO WHERE near as serious but still VERY VERY SIMILAR to what happened to me. I know the feeling. I was hurt and very like WTF?! But really focus on yourself, a book... "My Guy: A Gay Man's Guide to a Lasting Relationship" I promise you you'll feel much better about yourself and be ready for your next relationship. Sounds to me like you are a great guy to have done all those things and I know you miss your bf but most of all you miss your best friend and in my case... when mine did this.. I felt like I had been pushed off a 4-story building (cause our relationship was almost 4yrs long of friendship & 2.5yrs of being a couple) . Im saying to you that you need to focus on him. Don't call him.. create some distance... you made him that stronger person. you built him up and gave him the blessings he needed to get to where he is at and his life and for him to just toss you like that is BS. I can't promise that he might come back to you if at all but I know that in working on myself and awakening to my own strengths and abilities my guy even said it himself... I woke you up to your own potential. He knows what he walked away from and he wants it back. We are not officially back together but we are working things out and really pulling the best out of each other. Sometimes they just need a cold shoulder for a while for them to realize what they had/have in front of them and its not until they realize that their are no "greener pastures" than the one they had with you.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Nov 07, 2009 4:10 PM GMT
    6 months is not enough time to be OK with this. It usually takes the same amount of time to get over a guy as the amount of time you were with them (this assumption is actually steeped in science where under natural conditions, organisms decay in the same amount of time that they lived).

    Also, being friends is an admirable idea, but not always the best. I've learned that when some ends a relationship, as much as I want to be their friend, what I really want is to be their boyfriend, and that just screws everything up. Sometimes you have to put your foot down and say "I love you, but I can can't be with you this way, and until I can, I have to say goodbye." It sounds as if you'll never find closure over this until you distance yourself from him.
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    Nov 07, 2009 4:11 PM GMT
    EverBetter saidSo here's the deal. My ex of four years broke up with me on May 5th. It's been six months. It was the first long term relationship for both of us.

    I'm 37, he's 27. When we met he was in a bad place in his life with drugs. He had pretty much hit rock bottom. His sponsor asked me if I could help by letting him stay as there was nowhere for him to go. So I did. It took him 6 months to finally get sober and stay that way. It was just after that that he fell in love with me, and I had already been in love with him. He worked a 12 step program and made lots of friends, who became our mutual friends. He is still sober and strong in his program.

    He never saw the gay community as anything other than the drug and club scene, and since he's cleaned up he has discovered the truth about the community. He saw that there was much more out there. And that's the reason he gave me for leaving - he wanted to experience life single, sober, and responsible for his own stuff, without me as a net.

    The strong point of our relationship was our friendship, our goofiness together, our inside jokes, etc, and when we split, we tried (and are still trying) to preserve that. But what I'm finding is that I'm still in a lot of pain at times like this weekend. He has a friend whom he met a couple months ago staying with him and they, and our mutual friends, will be hanging out all weekend. So, I feel left out, betrayed, and really hurt. I'm fine when he and I hang out, but when I'm obviously replaced I can't shake the loneliness.

    So I get online, or go to the gym or work overtime. I try to meet new people. But that has been difficult. I stay away from our mutual friends and the places we hung out. But when he wants to hang out I'm all for it.

    It's been difficult to meet new people because in the back of my mind i feel he left because he knew he could do better. So when I go to meet new people I feel gun shy. "I already know how this ends," I think to myself. But I also know that's not fair to the other person either.

    So I don't know how long this takes to get over, but what I do know about myself is that when I fall in love, I fall hard, and I'm loyal to a fault. I seem to give more than I can afford.

    Please let me know your thoughts.

    -Mike


    The past is OVER AND DONE WITH. Time to move on. Nobody else can do that. As The Cable Guy says, "Get 'er done."

    You're wallowing in something that's been over for 6 months. Stop it. We don't always have things go our way. You're not accepting that. You can wallow in it, but, unless you like being miserable, you need move forward. All you're doing now is wasting your time.
  • Mikeylikesit

    Posts: 1021

    Nov 07, 2009 4:19 PM GMT
    It may sound slutty....But I always found the best way to get over an ex is to have a hook up fling...icon_eek.gificon_biggrin.gificon_redface.gif
  • drypin

    Posts: 1798

    Nov 07, 2009 4:20 PM GMT
    EverBetter saidThanks guys for all you have said. I truly appreciate your advice.

    This weekend I've chosen to attend Camp Courage. A training event for gay marriage activists. It lasts 8 hours a day both Saturday and Sunday.

    I figured I could learn how to help the community, meet new people, and stay busy this weekend so as not to think about him so much. (I really like the "meet new people" part!)

    So I'll be checking in later tonight.

    Thanks again!


    And? How has the first day been? Full of new ideas? meet a couple of hotties?
  • styrgan

    Posts: 2017

    Nov 07, 2009 4:20 PM GMT
    I agree with calibro on the being friends part. As far as time goes, I usually barricade myself in my house, eat ice cream, and don't shower. I'm over it in a week...

    Sometimes when there are great reasons for breaking up, and the breakup is on good terms, it can actually end up being harder. As long as you're staying friends with this guy, you're probably holding on to all your old feelings. When you finally see him, you're probably secretly holding out hope that he's going to be done with single life and go back to you. You say you're trying to "preserve" some parts of your chemistry.

    When you have a murky ending, you have to just tell yourself that it's a breakup and that it's over. Take a little room to breathe and if you value your friendship with him, let him know its not permanent, and that you just need space and will let him know when you want to start over again.
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    Nov 07, 2009 4:22 PM GMT
    Dont want to offend you , but seems you are a good person and people took advantage of you... advantage in which you eventualy tried to take the good of it (falling in love) i realy hope you deal with your pain and find the strenght to move on. I realy wish you the best!
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    Nov 07, 2009 4:27 PM GMT
    Throw yourself into a hobby or cause that you feel passionate about. In doing so you will not be thinking about dating or needing someone to fulfill you. Plus, when you're happy like that someone just might come along when you least expect it.
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    Nov 07, 2009 4:28 PM GMT
    After my ex and I broke up I was in the same emotional place you are describing. I wish there was an easy fix other than time and space. My ex and I have maintained a friendship but it took a while for me only because I was hoping that he would come back. I had to make the decision for me to distance myself. I made new friends, found new interests and met a lot of great guys to date. You will be able to do the same with time.

    You have no reason to be gun shy other than your own emotional space. When you feel ready again to date it will start to feel natural.

    All the best.
    s
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Nov 07, 2009 4:53 PM GMT
    It's great to hear all these suggestions and comments, especially from the members who say they care deeply, or are deeply loyal to, their significant other while they're in the relationship. I'm glad I'm not the only one and it give me hope to someday find someone as caring.

    I was in a 7 year relationship, and it has taken me about 4 or 5 years to get over most of it. Don't get me wrong, being single is ok too, and I've had a lot of fun and met a lot of special people to me. I now have a great group of friends and have gotten closer to my siblings. But the scars of the LTR took quite a long time to heal. After the breakup, for years I would wake up in the morning and feel like my whole existence was totally shattered. I guess I'm the type that mates for life(just like the rest of my family and parents, and their parents, etc) and I couldn't even understand life after the ltr. But my self preservation kicked in and I knew I had to leave a relationship where at that point there was no trust because of the cheating and lies.

    It is hard to hear now, but you probably already know deep down you deserve something better. You need someone as totally committed to you and the relationship as you are. It might take quite a few years to get there, enjoy the ride. I am not talking about casual sex like some guys immediately think when discussing enjoying life. I am talking about enjoying time with family and friends, and enjoying your career and hobbies, as well as dating.

    I was not able to stay friends with my ex, although I tried. The way he lives his life honestly disgusts me. In a relationship you try to ignore the ugly little issues but when you break up the blinders come off. He would talk about everybody behind their back in the most awful ways and had nothing but contempt for most humans. But the next day he would be all smiles to their face and you would think he actually liked these people. I was tired of dealing with constant lies and knew I could no longer deal with his issues.

    As an update, he inherited all of our "friends" but that lasted about two years. I don't know what happened but it seems none of the "friends" are friends any more. The only thing I can say about that group of friends is that most if not all of them tried to hit on me, even while I was in the LTR.

    Go make new decent friends that are YOUR friends. Being here, you are on the right track. icon_wink.gif
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19137

    Nov 07, 2009 4:57 PM GMT
    6 months is not a long time to get over someone you were in a relationship with for 4 years. Cut yourself some slack and just learn from the experience and know that each day gets a little easier. 6 months from now you'll probably be asking yourself "WHAT was I thinking?!?!"