Gay Friends

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 09, 2009 10:43 PM GMT
    Anyone else has/had this problem: Trouble finding gay friends. It's like I can't relate to any of them. Sure, I have gay acquaintances, but overall, it feels like I can't talk too anyone. Straight male friends can't help me with my problems, gay males are just too catty/rude/stuck up for me to talk to them. My uncle (who is also gay) told me that it's an age thing. I'm starting college and it's normal for me to want to find a good middle. And "eventually I'll find those friends as I get older." Anyone have the issue of trying to make gay friends, and only realizing the ones around you are the male parallels of "Heathers"? icon_neutral.gif
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    Nov 09, 2009 10:56 PM GMT
    icon_smile.gif glad to see im not the only one. i honestly thought that maybe guys would be bashing me or something...like they sometimes do.
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    Nov 09, 2009 11:00 PM GMT
    My opinion is that I'm reluctant to approach anyone for friendship because I fear rejection. Especially from some of the more "hot" looking ones.
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    Nov 10, 2009 12:02 AM GMT
    I get annoyed because it seems like gay guys don't seem to understand friendship. A good share of the time if I'm friendly to someone particularly if they are under 35, they can't get it through their heads that I really mean for just friendship, they'll come off like, 'what ? you want in my pants or something? Or they'll just stop talking, like as if conversation from an older man means that 'he's gotta have alterior motives.' I don't know about the rest of you guys, all ages included,but I'm here to tell you that my brain is up in my head, the head on my neck attop my shoulders, not in the smaller head on the end of my dick l!!! Why can't gay men take friendlyness as just that, and not always an effort to get in the sack?
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    Nov 10, 2009 12:26 AM GMT
    Yup. I posted a thread like this a while back. I can relate.
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    Nov 10, 2009 12:54 AM GMT
    when gays are hot and young - they dont care for making any real friends because in the gay world getting attention is very easy... its only when they start getting older do they realize the need for true friends... once they start losing those looks they realize that looks aren't everything in life... many never get over it and keep working out harder, injecting themselves with steroids to keep up with an image.. all in the pursuit of "attention"....its a sad life really.. most gay people are lonely but won't admit it openly.

    My problem is everytime i've approached some gay guy for a friendship - they just ASSUME I may be interested in them.. and when i've told them clearly that all I want is friendship - then they want nothing to do with me. Many guys see that as a "rejection".. - if he thinks i'm not good enough to sleep with him or date him.. then why should he be good enough to be my friend? Its not easy being gay and making real connections with other gay people - its the same gender attraction.. in a male / female situation even if one person is not interested in the other - they can still be friends because there is no "male" ego involved... its far less complicated.

    Focus on making straight female friends..... or approaching older / wiser men for friendship but make it clear that you are only interested in friendship so you don't lead them on.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Nov 10, 2009 1:00 AM GMT
    Jetsetter99 saidwhen gays are hot and young - they dont care for making any real friends because in the gay world getting attention is very easy... its only when they start getting older do they realize the need for true friends...

    My problem is everytime i've approached some gay guy for a friendship - they just ASSUME I may be interested in them.. and when i've told them clearly that all I want is friendship - then they want nothing to do with me. Many guys see that as a "rejection".. .



    So I have to ask you if guys in the US are any different than in Europe....
    ..um just had to ask... LOL

    Much of what is said above is true, I've had it happen. My suggestion is to work in a non profit situation, like an AIDS support group or Men's chorus, or some other organization that is GLBT friendly. Focus on the objectives of the organization.. you'll meet some people and it isn't about sex or relationships.
  • Barricade

    Posts: 457

    Nov 10, 2009 1:01 AM GMT
    It's all based on looks, even from those that are just seeking friends. At least online that's the way it seems.
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    Nov 10, 2009 1:06 AM GMT
    You know, gay or straight it's really hard to find people with whom you are compatible enough, in the proper mindset, and in a place in each of your lives to build solid lasting friendships. It takes a LOT of work and attention to build any kind of relationship and you're going to pour a lot of time and effort into a lot of folks that are going to end up being poor investments. However, every now and then you'll hit the jackpot and it will all be worthwhile. So don't give up, just keep on plugging away! Best of luck!
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    Nov 10, 2009 1:07 AM GMT
    jetsetter -- its good to read of a younger man having an opinion like yours, are there more of you out there? LOL !!! some of these guys working out to the extent of nearly taking up as much time as a second career are beating their fists against the wind. Age is going to do what it will regardless, and all that time isn't going change that looks are superficial, who we connect with has a lot more lasting results.
  • 8Always_Hard8

    Posts: 496

    Nov 10, 2009 1:28 AM GMT
    Rawrly saidI hear you loud and clear on this one. It seems that the ones I meet are either a stereotype, involved with every other gay person in a near-incestuous manner (knowing everyone's business or having slept with someone who slept with someone, etc), completely incompatible as friends or wanting something that I don't want.


    Ahh... TOTALLY agree with this... I just cant find them icon_sad.gif
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    Nov 10, 2009 1:31 AM GMT
    HndsmKansan said
    Jetsetter99 saidwhen gays are hot and young - they dont care for making any real friends because in the gay world getting attention is very easy... its only when they start getting older do they realize the need for true friends...

    My problem is everytime i've approached some gay guy for a friendship - they just ASSUME I may be interested in them.. and when i've told them clearly that all I want is friendship - then they want nothing to do with me. Many guys see that as a "rejection".. .



    So I have to ask you if guys in the US are any different than in Europe....
    ..um just had to ask... LOL




    It depends where in Europe... and where in the US. Gay men in largely gay concentrated cities around the world anywhere are more into sex and window-shopping rather than making real connections. NYC is a very very tough city to make gay friends... London is slightly better (but only slightly).. and Paris is a lot better - but then it might have to also do with the way I look... I get approached a lot in Paris..most french guys have never seen the inside of a gym...so anyone with even a little bit of muscle like me can get his way in Paris. Gay culture in Europe is not as big as it is in the US - also if you go out to a gay bar in London - you would hardly see any muscled guys... in NYC or SF.. everyone is muscular... I think that might have something to do with the "compeititveness" of making gay friends. Most muscled guys won't talk to someone who is not a gym built stud like themselves... but some do....
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    Nov 10, 2009 1:39 AM GMT
    Part of me wants to respond with something like:

    "Good friends will find you, in time."

    The but rest of me wants to respond with:

    "Don't waste your time looking for friends, because genuine friends really will find you."

    Remember when you were little and you saw your first beehive? So you knew what was inside of it... so you approached it and maybe even poked it? ... then BAM.. you found what you were looking for and really didn't want it anymore? .... Yeah. That's what I've found more often than not, within the gay community. There have been a few exceptions (as there are to every rule). It's the exceptions that are still my gay friends, and probably will remain that way for a very long while.
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    Nov 10, 2009 1:43 AM GMT
    If you think everyone else is a problem, chances are you are the problem.

    Look, I am with you on part of this. Outside is a world full of obnoxious, idiotic, disgusting people. That isn't just true for gay people. That is true for everyone. After a while, you learn how to size people up and determine who is friend material, and who is a douchebag. You are pretty young and are still getting a hang of that skill.

    But, if everyone is "too catty/rude/stuck up for me to talk to them" then you are looking in the wrong places. The world doesn't get better as you age, you do. Just go out there, keep meeting people, and learn the skills needed to be a social animal.
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    Nov 10, 2009 2:04 AM GMT
    On this particular subject I think it's 50/50. Part of the problem could be them and the other ha;f could be you. Just like when people are looking for someone to sexual looking for friends comes with preferences and standards.
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    Nov 10, 2009 2:12 AM GMT
    Yeah gay guys are so catty. Once i tried to make friends with this guy who told me "You should always look for friends who are as hot or hotter than you". My response was "so does that make me obligated to drop you right here right now". When I heard him say this, I immediately dropped him.

    Being a young and somewhat attractive guy myself, I have a different mindset. I like to meet others and make friends. My goal is to have many friends who i can do anything with, friends who won't try to get into my pants or want me for something I have.

    There are nice people out there who want genuine friendship, but it is really really rare. I know this for a fact because I am one of them...
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    Nov 10, 2009 2:51 AM GMT
    maybe start with your own guy friends that you have now? im always open and talk quite liberally and i guess i have a natural talent for making guys open up to me about private stuff. but i have come to discover from my very own friends that some are either curious if not bisexual.
    i guess if u open up to your own friends and be someone who they can rely to tell you their deepest secrets, then im sure u might find someone who is right by yourside, that you can relate too. mind you i was in the closet at the time and there was no feelings of sexual attraction to any of my friends. but i opened up to them about certain feelings and so did they.
    ITS NOT AS EASY AS IT SOUNDS
    but if you want true friends, then usually the ones that are already there and have stuck by you (shouldnt matter if u r straight or gay)
    having friends doesnt mean that u need to be able to relate to them on any level. sometimes they are the ones that u just need to unload your baggage on from time to time. and vice versa. i know that on the physical level (our interest in sports and games etc), we have our things in common, but if u were to see our personalities, each one is different with different attitudes and behaviours.
    dont let your sexuality define the friends u make. that just makes the world smaller. plus u'll just end up with no friends and dying alone. y limit yourself? (this question is retorical LOL)
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    Nov 10, 2009 3:31 AM GMT
    I've thought about this subject a lot. I've made a lot of straight friends. Some are superficial while others are becoming quite good friends. I just recently made one new gay friend and we have discussed this subject quite a bit. I see the challenge from several angles. I'm not going to say that gays are this or that as I can find it equally challenging to relate to many straight men (like the religious or uneducated ones). Most of the straight friends I have made revolve around my athletic hobbies. If the hobby is all we have in common we don't become friends but if we find we have other things in common a bond naturally forms. I don't seem to feel any different if the friend is smoking hot or homely as I care more about their virtuous traits and I know we will never be sexual.

    I try to apply the same principles when making a new gay friend. My gay friends can offer me one thing the straight friends can not. The ability to open up and discuss my sex life. It is also slightly more complicated as there will often be some type of sexual chemistry. If I am initially smitten by the guy then I might try to get something more than friendship going. If he is not interested and I have not scared him away we stand a chance of becoming friends. If he is smitten by me and I am not sexually attracted to him then it is just a matter of him accepting just a friendship. I've been surprised how many gay men can be interested in dating you but not interested in friendship.

    It is normal that you will find fewer gay men that share your interest as straight men outnumber gay men by a large amount. I can't relate to the masses (gay or straight) period. Once I have narrowed the masses down to the individuals I can relate to it is hard to find any gay people left.
  • me35mtl

    Posts: 306

    Nov 10, 2009 4:09 AM GMT
    most of my friends are straight..i always found i had more things in commen with them everything from music, movies, tv shows..
    so lately i tried to make gay friends but things always mess up..i never get attracted to friends but somehow (and no im not trying to sound conceited because im not much to look at compared to more than half the guys around) they always get a crush on me and want either a relationship or sex..and then i have to always have the "talk".. I guess they take my "being nice" as maybe im giving them signals..


    My advise to you is just be you..be a good person, treat people with respect and honesty and always be aware of what they are feeling towards you..But if you feel like things are taking the wrong turn, you have to ask yourself, is this friendship worth saving or is it just safer to walk away..

  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Nov 10, 2009 4:24 AM GMT
    Well considering I have a rule not to have sex with friends, I have very few gay friends.

    I had one good friend over the last year. We were almost like platonic BFs we spent so much time together. He met someone late this summer, now they are in a relationship, and now I rarely if ever hear from him. I see him at the gym so we still keep in touch, but considering we used to txt every day there is now a big hole in my social life.

    To me it is very weird to be dumped like this, but it has happened before with gay friends so it doesn't come as a total surprise. With straight friends, it has never happened to me.
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    Nov 10, 2009 4:47 AM GMT
    ugh! I feel you totally. Making Gay friends is next to impossible!! It always starts off as oh I want to sleep with you, lets make out...im all like I wanna go out to dinner...hit the bars and chill. I've given up!
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    Nov 10, 2009 5:53 AM GMT
    I think the problem is, for my college, most of the guys here are still in the closet. It really sucks! Its def. gonna take a while.
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    Nov 10, 2009 6:14 AM GMT
    This thread is sad.
    Why do you think it's like this for us?

    Lesbians don't seem to have this problem.

    Maybe it's just a man thing. I'm thinking of straight guy friends I have and none of them seem to want closeness from another male after a certain age.

    It's all about, finding a woman.

    I know of a long time gay couple in L.A. who seem very social and have lots of friends ( that I think they may have sex with. Not sure though. I had a 3some with them once so...)

    I find it excruciatingly hard to make real friendships with people online.

    I'm glad I went back to school, nothing beats that!

    Kinda buzzed from going to a new friend's girlfriend's bday party where I made even more contacts! Not gay though but I don't care.
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    Nov 10, 2009 6:16 AM GMT
    Right now, because of location, all my gay friends are on RJ.
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    Nov 10, 2009 6:45 AM GMT
    Sorry but I have to agree with whoever said that its likely more a reflection of your character defect than theirs if you cannot find any gay men. If you're calling most gay men catty/rude/stuck, then you sound pretty damn catty/rude/stuck up to me... no offense buddy but it may call into action some introspection on your behalf.

    I