My boyfriend and my friends

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 10, 2009 3:45 AM GMT
    First off I hope this is the right forum to post this in, if not sorry.

    Ok so I have 2 best friends who are straight. They have never had a problem with me being bi, or having a boyfriend (just passed 5 years YAY!!) Anyway, both the guys are now engaged, one is getting married in December, the other next year. The guy getting married in December, we'll call him Darren, is having me and our other best friend, we'll name Greg, both be co-bestmen.

    Ok so now Greg and I have to plan the bachelor party. We've got it all planned, group of guys, limo, bars, and back to one of our places for 2 strippers.

    Now the problem. For some reason, the two fiances, and Greg all feel that my boyfriend should not be going, actually they are pissed that he is planning on going. The girls say they don't like it because it is a bachelor party which should automatically mean "no significant others." So I am left with a huge dilemma. We've been planning this as a surprise but I'm probably going to talk to Darren privately to see what he thinks, if he doesn't care then I will take my boyfriend, but if he agrees then I've decided I will not be going.

    Now to clear that up, we are planning 2 parties, one with a big group (the one in question) and one a week later for just the 3 of us (me, Darren, and Greg) so if they all say NO to my boyfriend, I will not go to the first one rather just go to the 2nd one.

    When I talked to Greg about it, he sounded genuinely shocked that I didn't see any problem with my boyfriend going. My bf likes all of them, they like him, he just wants to go have fun, he won't even stay the whole time, and he's a fucking guy, who the hell cares if we are together. I told him I didn't care if the girls wanted to go.

    Anyway, I'm sorry to ramble on so much. I'm just curious what you guys think. I wanted to ask your opinions because this really is one of the more supportive sites I've seen.

    Thanks so much.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 10, 2009 3:55 AM GMT
    I don't get it. I thought it was about separating the sexes not about excluding an S.O. though the last one I attended included the grooms sister which I thought strange.
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    Nov 10, 2009 6:06 AM GMT
    I was completely excluded from my brothers' wedding because of my sexuality and I still feel bad about it.
    In spite of that, I would try to come to some kind of understanding with the straights and I guess since the party is for Darren - I'd let him decide. It sounds like he also is against your bf coming. It's Darrens' night - right?
    My responsibility as the host would be to honor him & his wishes - Then if me & my BF have a Gay wedding - we can do it the way we want to & screw all thier straight little traditions.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 10, 2009 6:26 AM GMT
    unless your boyfriend and you are married the girls have nothing to say about it
  • swimroarkswim

    Posts: 5

    Nov 10, 2009 7:33 AM GMT
    It doesn't seem like this is at all related to you being bi or having another guy come as your significant other (like you said, they've never had a problem with you being bi and they like your boyfriend).

    It's about the fact that your significant other is gonna join you, when you are supposed to be sending your best friend off, being free and available to get drunk, have fun, make bad decisions and generally have a night that you guys will remember for the rest of your life. That's a bit hard to do (or, your buddies might see that as being hard to do) if your guy is tagging along with you, possibly raising an eyebrow every time you ask for another shot or stare at the stripper's tits a bit too long.

    I completely understand your friends' position; they want to have the you theyve known for years, to send off the first of the trio to marriage. They want you to be uninhibited, to be the guy they've known all their life and go crazy. Not to be the person you are when your boyfriend is near (and honestly, we're all different when we're around only lifelong friends compared to being around a significant other)

    Actually, if you really think about it, having your significant other come, solely because he's a guy, is pretty much setting a double standard. Would you at all consider having your significant other accompany you to a bachelor party for your best friend, if your S.O. were a girl? Thinking about doing it simply because he's a guy is unfair.
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    Nov 10, 2009 7:36 AM GMT
    swimroarkswim said (and honestly, we're all different when we're around only lifelong friends compared to being around a significant other)

    .

    I think that's true and it's a really good point.
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    Nov 10, 2009 5:14 PM GMT
    swimroarkswim said

    Actually, if you really think about it, having your significant other come, solely because he's a guy, is pretty much setting a double standard. Would you at all consider having your significant other accompany you to a bachelor party for your best friend, if your S.O. were a girl? Thinking about doing it simply because he's a guy is unfair.


    I understand your point and actually you present it a lot better than they do but my thought is, why should he be fully excluded at all? I wasn't bringing him just because he's a guy, i was bringing him because he wanted to go. I don't think it's fair to exclude him at all just because we are together, especially since he wasn't planning on staying the whole time anyway.

    do you guys think i'm overreacting?
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Nov 10, 2009 5:26 PM GMT
    For the first party when it's all the male friends, I see no reason why he shouldn't be invited. It's really your decision as to whether you would feel comfortable with him there and if you feel you'd be splitting your attention from the man of the hour by having him there.

    Quite honestly, I'd ask your friend Greg and the fiances why it bothers them so much that he's going to be there along with a large group of people. Your bf has been friends with the grooms to be for 5 years, sounds like he should be included to me. How would the fiances feel if you threw an event and excluded them from coming because they were the significant others?
  • Fusion98102

    Posts: 164

    Nov 10, 2009 5:43 PM GMT
    My personal thoughts are this; I don't think they are picking on you because you have a boyfriend and not a girlfriend. I think they are picking on your for the same reason they would pick on any of the other guys who decided to bring their partners - it isn't how a bachelor party goes down. Regardless of whether your boyfriend wants to go or not, you should respect the wishes of the party and go solo, just like the rest of the guys who are going. It is nothing personal against you or your boyfriend, but why would you want to even mess with making your best friends party a drama filled mess? This is his day, and you should consider how your actions may overshadow that. It would be inconsiderate to spoil your friends surprise for your own gain. If it is a surprise and you go to him, tell him about it, ask his blessing for your bf to tag along and then snub the others' faces in it by bringing him, then you're not really thinking about your friend, you're just thinking about yourself. Let him have his surprise. Leave the boyfriend at home. There will be plenty of opportunities to do things as a group. That's my two cents...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 10, 2009 5:59 PM GMT
    Bachelor and bachelorette parties, to me have been more about gender roles than "significant" others. I've been to bachelor parties where men from both sides of the family go. I think the caveat is "how incriminating" the activity is going to be.
    Weddings bring out the WORST in people, I've been fucked on more than one occasion. I hate weddings... but it seems like an unspoken law that it means putting up with egos and bad behavior.
    I have a skewed perspective because I've been to many same sex "weddings" where the bachelor/bachelorette parties were mixed gender. I think you should talk to the groom-to-be and get his take on it. It's his party, his wedding and if he's your best friend his wishes should be honored. You have to ask yourself who the wedding is about.
    Whatever the case, it sounds like your guy friends aren't as comfortable with your boyfriend as you thought they were.
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    Nov 10, 2009 11:03 PM GMT
    thank you everyone for your input. just a few points of clarification: darren does know he is getting party, he just doesn't know what we're doing. he also told me once a while back he didn't care if my bf went as long as he keeps his mouth shut (in case anything extra happens with the strippers :-) ) the problem is simply the 2 fiances and the other best man don't think i should be bringing a significant other.

    i don't see it as a problem because he likes them and as far as i know they like him, of course i could be completely wrong on that.

    i'm going to talk to darren this evening and see what he says. this is not just for me, my bf wants to go, i'm not going to say "no you can't go, you're not one of the guys."

    i guess i'll see what darren has to say then proceed from there.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 11, 2009 12:13 AM GMT
    It should be just you guys, and no significant others. That is how typical bachelor/bachelorette parties go. Swimroakswim and Catera say it best.
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    Nov 11, 2009 12:17 AM GMT
    I think it depended on how you act with your boyfriend. Apparently the point of bachelor(ette) parties is to connive in vice and have a good time.

    Significant others change the dynamics a bit... how many women hate the idea of their boyfriends or husbands going to a bachelor party?


    It might apply to you, but as said, it's really how you act around him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 11, 2009 12:23 AM GMT
    First of all, in my opinion, regardless of whether your boyfriend goes, you should go to both. The bachelor party is for Darren, so basically if he wants your boyfriend there, then it doesn't matter what anyone else wants or thinks. Likewise, if Darren would prefer he wasn't there, you should respect that and suck it up and go anyways on your own. Once again that is just my opinion. Hopefully everything will work out for the best.
  • Space_Cowboy_...

    Posts: 3738

    Nov 11, 2009 12:24 AM GMT
    aww you're a good boyfriend icon_biggrin.gif you're really cute for doing that for your boyfriend icon_razz.gif well I think your boyfriend should be able to go just b/c he is a guy usually that rule is there for the girls.icon_rolleyes.gif

    Just Saying icon_twisted.gif
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    Nov 11, 2009 12:28 AM GMT
    cougarguy said
    swimroarkswim said

    Actually, if you really think about it, having your significant other come, solely because he's a guy, is pretty much setting a double standard. Would you at all consider having your significant other accompany you to a bachelor party for your best friend, if your S.O. were a girl? Thinking about doing it simply because he's a guy is unfair.


    I understand your point and actually you present it a lot better than they do but my thought is, why should he be fully excluded at all? I wasn't bringing him just because he's a guy, i was bringing him because he wanted to go. I don't think it's fair to exclude him at all just because we are together, especially since he wasn't planning on staying the whole time anyway.

    do you guys think i'm overreacting?


    Its your friends party not yours, he gets to determine the guest list.
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    Nov 11, 2009 12:28 AM GMT
    I've been to tons of bachelor parties, never taken my ex with me, it was just not the done thing, they all liked him yeah, but he wasn't really there "friend" so much as "my partner" who, they happened to like.

    And we did wild and stupid things, I don't think I had my mates try to make out with me more, or, do the strippers or take off every article of clothing and walk around in the buff or just get sooo freakin hammered that you can't really remeber anything (although, I never got drunk enough and can remember everything hehehe)

    Really at the end of the day, a bachelor party is about the mans best friends, the ones he relys upon to be there for him with a shovel in hand and a tarp to wrap the body in.

    Your partner although is probably well loved by your friends, I'm betting doesn't really fall into that category and as much as my mates love my ex, my ex never fell into that category too, nor do my mates wifes/partners, yeah I love'em all to death will do anything for either one of them, but they aren't like my mates.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Nov 11, 2009 12:28 AM GMT
    I've got a question. Do your two straight friends get together with their fiances and not invite you and your bf?
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    Nov 11, 2009 12:52 AM GMT

    For what it's worth, here's an excerpt from an on-line wedding etiquette and protocol site:

    "Bachelor and Bachelorette parties are usually the one last bash of your single life and are held from two months to one week before the wedding day. Although not obligatory, they are a time honored tradition where many of the antics of the evening make for amusing tales for years to come.

    The Bachelor Party is generally organized by the Best Men and attendee’s commonly include the Groom, Groomsmen, close male friends, family members typically close in age to the groom, brothers, cousins, future brother-in-law, etc. and may be extended to include the father and future father in law of the groom. The Bachelor Party is typically a Dutch affairs with attendees responsible for their own share of the cost of activities. In addition, the best man and groomsmen should contribute for the cost of the groom."

    My opinion: Don't involve Darren; he's got a lot more on his mind than trying to referee your disagreement with Greg.

    Is your bf a good friend of Darren? If not, he shouldn't go. All of the male wedding guests are not invited to the bachelor party. Just because your bf is male, doesn't mean he should be included.

    Regardless of the decision, you should go to both parties.
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    Nov 11, 2009 1:09 AM GMT
    Okay, if they like your bf than whats the big deal that he goes. It sounds like to me its just the women trying to control shit even before they get married. Would they not invite a pair of dikes to a bachorlorette party? Who the fuck cares its a party about guys, alcohol and strippers. Do the future wives know there will be strippers tempting their men???

    How about this. Dont tell women a fucking thing, Remember they are the enemy.

    BTW you need to go to both parties, He is your best friend, thats why you are co-best man.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 11, 2009 1:24 AM GMT
    Timberoo saidI've got a question. Do your two straight friends get together with their fiances and not invite you and your bf?


    Yes
  • Timbales

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    Nov 11, 2009 3:49 AM GMT
    cougarguy said
    Timberoo saidI've got a question. Do your two straight friends get together with their fiances and not invite you and your bf?


    Yes


    Not to be negative, but your time with your friends is pretty much over. If it's important to you and your bf that he is invited, then make it happen.

    If I were in your bf's shoes, I wouldn't go unless you wanted me to go with you. I'd go to the wedding with you, and have a good time, but I wouldn't be interested in seeing your friends after that.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 11, 2009 4:04 AM GMT
    Timberoo said
    cougarguy said
    Timberoo saidI've got a question. Do your two straight friends get together with their fiances and not invite you and your bf?


    Yes


    Not to be negative, but your time with your friends is pretty much over. If it's important to you and your bf that he is invited, then make it happen.

    If I were in your bf's shoes, I wouldn't go unless you wanted me to go with you. I'd go to the wedding with you, and have a good time, but I wouldn't be interested in seeing your friends after that.


    You hit that nail right on the head!!! Can't agree more with that advice, other than to say I double what you had to say. I've been in a somewhat similar position in the past, and I can honestly say that once the friends got married, I never really hung with them or heard much from them again and it wasn't by my choice.
  • MercuryMax

    Posts: 713

    Nov 11, 2009 4:11 AM GMT
    i think he should go. I never thought of it seperating the the significant others. Just always thought of parties like this as their "Last Night of Freedom" and in this case "with the fellas" and your fella is one of his fellas as well I presume....
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 11, 2009 4:40 AM GMT
    IMO bachelor parties are for the guys who are friends of the groom. It is a night for guys to have some fun - and celebrate the groom's last night out to party with the boys. Your friend (b.f.) is a guy. Why can't he come? I think it is fine for him to come. If I were in your shoes, my b.f. would definitely be there. If, however - the groom has any reservations about your friend coming - i.e. he doesn't like him - or whatever, than he should not come. Otherwise - he's in!

    As for the small second party - - IMO - - same answer! It is about guys having a little fun. Your friend certainly can't go to any party the girls are throwing for the bride - - so naturally he would go the the guy's night out.