Opening the relationship

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 20, 2007 11:08 PM GMT
    Been with my man for 9 years and have been finding that things in the bedroom could be better. Also tend to be a bit of a dog myself and find my curiosity is getting the best of me. Not that its not in the past icon_twisted.gif

    I finally have my boyfriend open to the idea of having a third join us every now and then. I've had my share of sex with more than 2 people, but this will be his first three way. I want it to be fun and something he really enjoys. I'm hoping being with and seeing with another guy will add some spice to our sex.

    I am not interested in finding someone at a local bar and having a trick session. Perhaps when we travel out of town. (applications will be considered icon_smile.gif)I thought about finding a regualr guy to play with, but do not want too much gay drama, perhaps a bi guy.


    So I have a few questions,

    - I have been approach by people before and not interested or able to join a menage. Now that we are open to it, I don't want to be a couple constantly on the prowl, but don't want any missed opportunities. Any tips on finding a third

    - I try to stay open to what will happen, but he already said he does not want someone else to fuck me, which is not what I want, but can comprimise as we go along. Do you suggest setting some guideleines or just letting the moment take you.

    - Any other experience or advice is helpful.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Dec 21, 2007 12:12 AM GMT
    I don't have experience with this, but maybe you should also consider the idea of another couple? That way no one will feel left out if not everyone finds the other as attractive?
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    Dec 22, 2007 2:22 AM GMT
    That's not a relationship.. your kidding yourself if you think this behavior is acceptable ! I am so tired of hearing about guy's in LTR's that are open.. There is NO SUCH thing, your just to insecure to leave each other and find true happiness.. icon_biggrin.gif
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    Dec 22, 2007 5:04 AM GMT
    I couldn't ever share my partner with someone else. It would destroy me to see him with another guy, I love him to much and am to selfish when it comes to him. I think your asking for touble. Some couples are very successful with that type of lifestyle.

    But another thing to consider is what if your bf that you have talked into doing this likes it a little to much and starts wanting someone else, I dont know just something to think about.

    I know we all have desires, wants and needs and when I was single I had my share of 3 ways and I know sex is sex. But when I am with my partner it means more to me than just a physical connection. Its a mental and emotional connection for me and I dont want to ever share that with someone else.
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    Dec 22, 2007 3:43 PM GMT
    not really trying to duplicate what I have with my partner with someone else. Really just trying to enjoy something new and different with him.

    I doubt that anyone can really gage how "real" our relationship is without knowing us. But after 9 years of monogamy, I think you could probably take a guess. We are each other's best friend's and lovers. So please don't try and make judgments about the quality of our relationship.

    that said. After nine years, men do get curious and we are. But no one night stand or affair is worth ruining what we have. This is why we want to do this together. I am willing to make rules and see how things go along the way. We can stop if one feels out of the group.

    Sometimes partners just want hot sex. Of course it is meaningful; but we are men who understand our sexual desires and would like to help eachother reach them. Just trying to make things fun

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    Dec 24, 2007 2:47 AM GMT
    My partner and I have been together almost 11 years. When we take a vacation and the urge strikes us, we will open our relationship to another person or a couple. There seems to be less danger of someone falling for someone else when on vacation and someone you won't see again.

    It can be difficult though because it's not unusual for the third to be more attracted to one more than the other. As long as the couple talks,shares, it can work. Make sure one isn't left out. Talk about it afterwards and be honest. Sometimes it's works, sometimes not for couples.

    There has even been a time or two when I was really attracted to another couple and he wasn't so we both agreed it was ok for me to go play.

    I disagree that this means we are unhappy in our relationship as others have suggested. It adds a bit of spice to our at home love life thinking about those times.
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    Dec 24, 2007 8:13 PM GMT
    this is always one of those sticky subjects and I'm not entirely sure where I stand. Don't really have advice, but like others, guess I want to give my 2c worth!

    Part of me hates that gay men feel the need to have open relationships. Isn't it just lack of control? Straight guys are just as horny, but out of respect for their partners and their relationship, they don't have sex or relationships with other people. Isn't it about loving someone enough to forsake all others?Having said that, I do wonder myself what my thoughts would be if I were in a long relationship (which I'm not), both from the perspective of whether I would be tempted to ever push for an open relationship or how I would react if my partner suggested it.

    Unless it was something I had already contemplated and was 100% for, I don't think I could cope with the idea of my boyfiend having sex with other guys. Even if the idea was we only did it as a threesome, I think once we crossed that line and started invited others into the bed, then it would be easier for him (and me I guess) to justify the odd sneaky quickie without the other partner present (seen it a million times). I also think the jealousy would drive me crazy.

    Where I do have a problem and what raises a red flag in your post for me is the comment "I finally have my boyfriend open to the idea of having a third join us every now and then." This suggested it took some pushing, which means he's probably doing it out of fear that its an open relationship or possibly the end of the relationship? I know a couple who have been together for about 5 years and about 2 years ago they kinda split for a week or two but got back together, but one of them insisted that if it was to work, he wanted them to experiment more, threesomes, etc. The other half of the partnership, because he loved him so badly, agreed, even though he didn't want an open relationship.

    I guess what I'm trying to say is, perhaps its okay if you are both 100% up for it, but I would worry about how it will play out long term if one of you had to be convinced.
  • ArchieMike

    Posts: 13

    Jan 03, 2008 5:32 AM GMT
    Hey I've got this. I wanna open my relationship with my bf to other people. But he's just too jealous. One of my fantasies is to have a threesome with 2 other guys but he doesn't want to even though he's done it before and I haven't had the experience. I don't think is fair.

    Plus I'm starting to see that I could be such a dog sometimes and I often tease other guys and even kissed them but never had sex with them. I don't know maybe I sound childish but what do u think?
  • BlackJock79

    Posts: 437

    Jan 11, 2008 12:55 AM GMT
    Interesting topic and I wish you luck finding a hot, SANE, third. LOL, I know me and I ain't sharing my man with nobody... well... when I get a man. LOL, but after 9 years, I can see why you want to spice things up a bit. Hell, straight couples do it, I say go for it as long as you two are completely sure it's what you want to do.
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    Mar 20, 2008 3:57 PM GMT
    The comment about straight guys, and staying committed. You do realize how many guys cheat on their wives and girlfriends, right?

    Not only that, but I believe there are numerous couples out there that are into the swinging lifestyle.

    So be mindful when making comments about other people like that.

    I know several gay couples that are open, I'm actually starting to get close to one myself, and I don't think I've ever seen two people who love each other more. I think it boils down to the fact that you love each other, and wanting to play with another man or couple, you have to realize that what you and your partner have is love, and anything you do outside that is just sex, but that is a very hard line to separate from.

    Just remember open communication is key, talk about it, talk about everything.

  • Mar 30, 2008 3:16 AM GMT
    Me and my boyfriend recently had a threesome for the first time and it was awesome. We've been dating for 4 years and until then he was the only boy I had ever been with. I'm 25 and it is very hard to stay monogamous even though I know I love my boyfriend so opening up the relationship was the right decision for us.
  • UncleverName

    Posts: 741

    Apr 01, 2008 9:25 PM GMT
    I've only ever had sex with my partner, so I'm pretty curious what it's like with someone else. If my partner came to me and said that he wants to see what it's like with someone else, I'd be open to the idea. Also, there are some things that I'm not physically comfortable doing for my partner. Is it fair of me to deny him ever experiencing that? I'm his first as well.
    Sex isn't that big of a deal, right? Well, if that's the case, why do we get hung up on sharing each other in that way with others? Are our bodies so sacred and private that they should only ever be shared between the two of us? Where do you draw the line? Is showering in a communal room breaking that intimacy? If it isn't, is it the intention that governs it? Could you not make your partner and yourself the primary concern, and takes things slow, if you wanted to play with others? Especially when you're playing together, it seems like it's just a different way of looking at it.
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    Apr 02, 2008 2:29 PM GMT
    FriendlyguyinAZ saidThat's not a relationship.. your kidding yourself if you think this behavior is acceptable ! I am so tired of hearing about guy's in LTR's that are open.. There is NO SUCH thing, your just to insecure to leave each other and find true happiness.. icon_biggrin.gif


    Thanks for sharing your OPINION, even though you state it as fact. For the record, you have no authority to declare someone else's relationship "acceptable". Especially not my going-on-12-year relationship full of honesty, love, security, emotion, happiness, beauty and commitment. Thankyouverymuch!

    Now, exactly how long have YOU been in YOUR "monogamous relationship" you declare on your profile, all the while sporting the profile title "seeing who's out there", and a list of over 80 people on your Hot List? Pot, meet kettle!

    So, just exactly WHO is it not acceptable to? You? Your mom? The Pope? The Southern Baptists? The field of psychology? Marital Counselors? The Federal Government?

    Just WHO exactly told you that was unacceptable? Because I'm pretty sure they say the same thing about you being a queer, too! To the vast majority of the rest of the world population, it's pretty unacceptable for a guy to suck a dick but that doesn't seem to have stopped you from doing it, has it?

    You DO realize that's EXACTLY what straight people say about you being gay, right? We're UNACCEPTABLE! icon_mad.gif

    If you don't like it, don't do it. Otherwise, step off your high horse!

    Oh, and JUST because you pissed me off, here are a few tips:

    1. "your" and "you're" are two different words and are not interchangeable, even though you did it twice in one paragraph
    2. The same goes for the words "to" and "too".
    3. The word "Guy's" is possesive, not plural.

    -10 for grammar icon_neutral.gif



  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 06, 2008 1:34 PM GMT
    You go Look_Alive!! I love when people talk grammar. It's so sexy!! icon_biggrin.gificon_wink.gif
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    Jun 04, 2010 10:49 AM GMT
    FriendlyguyinAZ saidThat's not a relationship.. your kidding yourself if you think this behavior is acceptable ! I am so tired of hearing about guy's in LTR's that are open.. There is NO SUCH thing, your just to insecure to leave each other and find true happiness.. icon_biggrin.gif


    Well I partly agree here...
    I am wondering on how to bring up the "open relationship" topic to my partner..
    We've been together 12 years, and I am wanting to experience more..
    Our bedroom play has never been brilliant, I often find myself wanting more contact from my man..
    He tends to use little or no foreplay,does his thing and leaves me to finish myself off...I am left feeling disappointed with our sex..
    I/We have talked about this and what I would like more of and what He would like more of..
    Things go well for a bit but then he falls back into what was before..

    Yes,I am a bit scared of just leaving..
    So why am I still with Him,some have asked me??
    I love my man...Committed to him and would dearly love him to be more attentive to me..
    This would be" true happiness"

    My man has had 3 previous relationships,which have never lasted more than a few years.
    I often wonder why they did not last long, but I also understand why they did not last..

    I would like to go out and explore sex with others..
    No not a 3 some... I like it 1x1.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 04, 2010 12:22 PM GMT
    Hey cChris8011,

    Talk to the guy about it. By this time (12 years) only you know how to talk about it in a way that won't outright offend..I wish we could help you more with this, but we don't know what he's like.

    -Doug

    PS Are you concerned at all that you may inadvertently fall for another?
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    Jun 05, 2010 10:08 AM GMT
    I guess I just need to stifle the beast inside of me,that is trying to get out...
    XXOO
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    Jun 05, 2010 11:43 AM GMT
    There is nothing wrong with it, in my opinion.

    You have played with sex toys, I assume. Just think of the third person as a very sophisticated sex toy you are sharing.
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    Jun 05, 2010 11:49 AM GMT
    redbull saidI couldn't ever share my partner with someone else. It would destroy me to see him with another guy, I love him to much and am to selfish when it comes to him.


    Many people confuse selfishness with love.

    Real love is wanting the other person to be happy.
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    Jun 05, 2010 12:33 PM GMT
    I am shocked at how judgemental many replys to your question have been! And oh the hilarity when I read that it's only us gays that have open relationships and that straight men are faithful and monogamous.

    Are you fucking kidding??

    Do you ever read a newspaper/watch the tv? How many sex scandals do we need to hear about before we realise that monogamy doesn't always work and doesn't suit everyone. That doesn't make these people bad or 'dogs', they are just people whether gay or straight.

    To answer your question, the only advice that I have is honesty and communication between you and your boyfriend and it seems to be clear from your letter that that is already fantastic.

    Good luck, hope you have lots of fun and I put a bet on that your semi open and honest relationship lasts a great deal longer than others self righteous prison relationships do.....
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    Jun 06, 2010 6:11 AM GMT
    fastness saidI am shocked at how judgemental many replys to your question have been! And oh the hilarity when I read that it's only us gays that have open relationships and that straight men are faithful and monogamous.

    Are you fucking kidding??

    Do you ever read a newspaper/watch the tv? How many sex scandals do we need to hear about before we realise that monogamy doesn't always work and doesn't suit everyone. That doesn't make these people bad or 'dogs', they are just people whether gay or straight.

    To answer your question, the only advice that I have is honesty and communication between you and your boyfriend and it seems to be clear from your letter that that is already fantastic.

    Good luck, hope you have lots of fun and I put a bet on that your semi open and honest relationship lasts a great deal longer than others self righteous prison relationships do.....



    lol, good post, and right on target. (Though for us monogamy is no prison) icon_wink.gif

    -Doug

    It's always a mystery to me that there's a perception that gays somehow invented open relationships. I think if someone added up all the straight people that did it, it would outnumber the entire gay population, both open and monogamous. It should be about what makes you and others happy without hurting someone else, not what kind of relationship.
  • Smiling_Eyes

    Posts: 197

    Jun 25, 2010 5:07 PM GMT
    This is not a simple topic as some here paint it as. If you think this is cut and dried, you are narrow minded or lack perspective.

    My partner and I were monogamous for the first 14 years of our relationship. We have been open for the last year. I honestly used to believe in monogamy; I used to believe like some people here that an open relationship was a cop out. I no longer believe this. Relationships change over years and if two people choose to stay primary partners then that choice is valid. I believe in a polyamoury model whereby people can have more than one love in their life at a time. Rather than what most gay people d, serial monogamy, polyamourous relationships do not put unnatural pressures on a primary relationship.

    While I agree it is not for everyone, if you are a secure individual who can contain jealousy, it can work for you.

    Best,

    A
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    Jun 28, 2010 4:25 AM GMT
    My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 5 years. Things are great in the bedroom, but we have recently discussed having a threesome for fun and to explore our sexual desires/fanatics. We don't really go to bars or clubs very often. One of the 'candidates' is a rebound ex-boyfriend of my partner from about 6 years ago. I am curious if any of you have had any experience with strangers vs. ex's. I do want to emphasize that my partner's ex was a rebound guy for a few months, NOT a serious relationship; he was hot and they had good sex. Advice?
  • KevinJ123

    Posts: 10

    Jun 30, 2010 8:17 PM GMT
    look_alive said
    FriendlyguyinAZ saidThat's not a relationship.. your kidding yourself if you think this behavior is acceptable ! I am so tired of hearing about guy's in LTR's that are open.. There is NO SUCH thing, your just to insecure to leave each other and find true happiness.. icon_biggrin.gif


    Thanks for sharing your OPINION, even though you state it as fact. For the record, you have no authority to declare someone else's relationship "acceptable". Especially not my going-on-12-year relationship full of honesty, love, security, emotion, happiness, beauty and commitment. Thankyouverymuch!

    Now, exactly how long have YOU been in YOUR "monogamous relationship" you declare on your profile, all the while sporting the profile title "seeing who's out there", and a list of over 80 people on your Hot List? Pot, meet kettle!

    So, just exactly WHO is it not acceptable to? You? Your mom? The Pope? The Southern Baptists? The field of psychology? Marital Counselors? The Federal Government?

    Just WHO exactly told you that was unacceptable? Because I'm pretty sure they say the same thing about you being a queer, too! To the vast majority of the rest of the world population, it's pretty unacceptable for a guy to suck a dick but that doesn't seem to have stopped you from doing it, has it?

    You DO realize that's EXACTLY what straight people say about you being gay, right? We're UNACCEPTABLE! icon_mad.gif

    If you don't like it, don't do it. Otherwise, step off your high horse!

    Oh, and JUST because you pissed me off, here are a few tips:

    1. "your" and "you're" are two different words and are not interchangeable, even though you did it twice in one paragraph
    2. The same goes for the words "to" and "too".
    3. The word "Guy's" is possesive, not plural.

    -10 for grammar icon_neutral.gif


    Look_alive I just hot listed you. Intelligence is so much sexier that stupid.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 30, 2010 9:02 PM GMT
    Lots of great comments here.

    I had a chance to have sex with a man who is partnered a few months back. Although we were very attracted to each other, and he was willing, I'm so glad I said NO. Why?
    Because at the end of the night, he'll get to go back to the benefits of being coupled whereas I will still be alone. I'll have gotten my rocks off, but I'll still be ALONE.

    I made the mistake in the past of hooking up with partnered guys. Wow, did it make me feel like shit!!

    So I'm happy I learned from the past and if the only way I can get sex is to have it with someone partnered, then the answer is No, thank you.

    It doesn't matter what I think about open relationships per se. People will do what they want, but there are ALWAYS consequences, whether it's mutually agreed upon or if you're doing it clandestinely. Great thread! Thanks OP!