What is the best way to come out to your family.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 16, 2009 3:28 PM GMT
    It is becoming very stressful for me to stay in the closet. I want to be free and tell my mom so bad but because of her christain belief and her being a minister has kept me from coming out. Can any guys out there give me some advice and share some of your experiences
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 16, 2009 3:46 PM GMT
    people´s perception of whether you are gay or not depends on what they expect to see... your family, being so religious, may find it harder to see that you are gay. Then again, they may have worked it out... things like have you ever had a girlfriend, etc.

    I told my brother thus (walking in the street past a child having a tantrum) "the best thing about being gay is you don´t have to put up with that".

    My mother thus "You know I´m gay, don´t you?"
    My father (a day later) " Has Mom told you I´m gay yet?"

    But they are nice european parents who don´t think Jesus hates fags.


    (their responses:
    That´s cool
    Why did you chose to tell me today? I´ve been on the go all day and my feet hurt
    No.
  • DCEric

    Posts: 3713

    Nov 16, 2009 4:56 PM GMT
    You never know, this might happen:

    Becareful of who you tell. icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 16, 2009 5:59 PM GMT
    ugabulls saidIt is becoming very stressful for me to stay in the closet. I want to be free and tell my mom so bad but because of her christain belief and her being a minister has kept me from coming out. Can any guys out there give me some advice and share some of your experiences


    Unless you're fucking your mother or father, it's not absolutely necessary they know something they likely already know.

    If false belief systems stand in the way, and your mom / family members are uptight about your sexuality, you need to walk away from them so they can get their shit together. Their acceptance, or non-acceptance, of you is not your problem, but, rather, theirs.

    Let common sense apply.

    Right now you're all tangled up in false belief systems / myths / folklore and the approval of others. You need to rise above that and become a real boy and march to your own drummer.

    The demon is within, both by conditioning of the false belief system, but, also in a self-loathing that those belief systems perpetuate. You need to set that all aside and come to like yourself, be honest, and make sexuality a non-issue. Do straight folks come out? Of course, not. Drama is for soaps, and not real life.

    Who you sleep with is none of your family (if you want to call them that) business. That's between you and whomever you're fucking. You can tell them, but, they likely already know, and it won't buy you much, but, if you want to make sexuality a big deal in your life, that's your thing. Something as simple "I prefer guys" is simple enough. It's not rocket science.

    I'm all for integrity, but, if you know your folks are nuts, there's no point in throwing gas on the fire. Come to like yourself, gain integrity, and the rest will follow.

    Reality is that they likely already know. Reality is that if your folks are decent people, they will love you unconditionally despite whatever false belief system they may subscribe to. If they don't, they really aren't worth keeping around.

  • Nov 16, 2009 6:21 PM GMT
    A musical number.


    haha.. seriously, when I tried to come out to my brother, he was like, "If you're trying to tell me you're gay, I don't care." I was like, "How did you know?" He was like, "You blasting Wicked the Musical in your car didn't help."

    DAMN YOU DEFYING GRAVITY
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 16, 2009 6:24 PM GMT
    I told most of my family and friends that I was gay about a year before I told my father. I didn't think he'd be hostile, but I knew he wouldn't be thrilled. I dropped hints, starting with small subtle ones and received no reaction. I dropped larger hints - still no reaction. Finally, I took my father out to lunch and worked up the courage to tell him point blank that I was gay. He had two responses:

    "I know; your brother told me last year," and - most telling, "I think I knew you were gay before you knew you were gay."
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 16, 2009 6:45 PM GMT
    chuckystud said False belief systems blabla fatasses mumble mumble man up burble burble Here is a picture of my legs


    OP, you need to tell them, but at such a time and in such a way as will make it LESS rather than MORE difficult for all involved.
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19137

    Nov 16, 2009 6:46 PM GMT
    Try just showing up with your new boyfriend at Thanksgiving dinner and see how that goes icon_rolleyes.gif
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Nov 16, 2009 7:04 PM GMT
    Does she preach against homosexuality in her church? Does she believe homosexuals are going to Hell? If you tell her and she rejects you, do you have other family members or friends who you can depend on?

    The closet is a painful place to be. Coming out is the ideal. But if you live with your mother and are dependent on her for everything, then you might not be able to risk coming out to her.

    If she preaches vigorously against homosexuality, then I'd caution you against coming out to her. It may be painful to stay in the closet, but it's more painful to be actively rejected by your parent, especially if you have no safety net should conditions become really bad at home. It might be better to come out once you're on your own and not dependent on her.

    You should build up your support base of gay and gay-friendly family members and friends.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 16, 2009 7:07 PM GMT
    I did it subliminally icon_lol.gif
    I said "Mom, you know that guy I have been hanging out with alot lately?"
    Mom: "Well .. yes"
    Me: "He's my boyfriend.."
    Mom "Are you gay?"
    icon_confused.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 16, 2009 8:29 PM GMT
    EricLA saidDoes she preach against homosexuality in her church? Does she believe homosexuals are going to Hell? If you tell her and she rejects you, do you have other family members or friends who you can depend on?

    The closet is a painful place to be. Coming out is the ideal. But if you live with your mother and are dependent on her for everything, then you might not be able to risk coming out to her.

    If she preaches vigorously against homosexuality, then I'd caution you against coming out to her. It may be painful to stay in the closet, but it's more painful to be actively rejected by your parent, especially if you have no safety net should conditions become really bad at home. It might be better to come out once you're on your own and not dependent on her.

    You should build up your support base of gay and gay-friendly family members and friends.

    Yes she view homosexuality as a sin.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Nov 16, 2009 8:43 PM GMT
    Are you financially self sufficient and living on your own? If you are, then come out. In your case, I'd write a letter to her. If you're still living at home, don't come out until you can get your own place. She could kick you out of the house, I've seen it happen first hand.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 16, 2009 9:03 PM GMT
    ugabulls said
    EricLA saidDoes she preach against homosexuality in her church? Does she believe homosexuals are going to Hell? If you tell her and she rejects you, do you have other family members or friends who you can depend on?

    The closet is a painful place to be. Coming out is the ideal. But if you live with your mother and are dependent on her for everything, then you might not be able to risk coming out to her.

    If she preaches vigorously against homosexuality, then I'd caution you against coming out to her. It may be painful to stay in the closet, but it's more painful to be actively rejected by your parent, especially if you have no safety net should conditions become really bad at home. It might be better to come out once you're on your own and not dependent on her.

    You should build up your support base of gay and gay-friendly family members and friends.

    Yes she view homosexuality as a sin.


    Then you have to let her go. She'll have to reconcile her false beliefs. It's NOT your problem, nor should you make it your problem.

    You answered your own question. If your mother is fucked up on false belief systems and believes that human sexuality is a sin, she has very much a lot to learn, but, you can't fix her. Fix yourself first. Don't throw gas on a fire. Best thing if she's the hateful sort, get some distance between you and folks like that. You already don't like yourself, and having her preach to you is just inviting more self-loathing. Get some distance, get prepared, and if it's eating at you to tell her, get in a safe position of distance and finance and tell her. Otherwise, go ahead and tell her, but, be prepared. Understand, she has been brainwashed for many years to believe what she believes. Best to not deal with all that. Seems to me you enjoy being miserable. Stop it.
  • handsoffire

    Posts: 178

    Nov 16, 2009 9:09 PM GMT
    Ehh, My Dad is a preacher. I came out at 16, it didn't go so well.

    Fast forward a few years. My parents still have issues with it. The issues are theirs. We are all very clear on that, lol.

    Life is much much easier to deal with when you don't live with them any more. It's easier to tell them and then let them have their space to deal with it.icon_rolleyes.gif

    The advice that you've been given is already excellent in regards to loving yourself, realizing that religion is a construct built by man to talk about things which he has little comprehension of and as a comfort for dealing with death. It's her belief system, respect it up to the point that you respect her and still live your own life.

    With my parents we finally ended the discussion with, I'd like to spend time with you and visit. You're my parents and I love you, if all you want to do is fight I can find other folks to be my parents and I'll miss you terribly. Which direction do you want to drive this boat?

    For the rest of it. I choose to live on the west coast, I see my parents a few times a year and speak to them a few times a week. We're friends now and I'm more an equal and less their son these days and I'm pretty happy with that. Good luck!

    You may want to check out "stranger at the gate"

    Tho I recommend when you tell them to be clear that; "this is information I thought you should have so you wouldn't hear it from some one else", 'I'm not ashamed of who I am and I'll understand and be embarrassed of you if you are", " I love you and am telling you this to share my life with you. If that is not your desire let me know now please." Dr Dobson is an idiot who has no idea what he speaks of 90% of the time. If she starts to throw scripture at you ask her if she likes shrimp or some other form of shellfish or bacon. Both are listed in the same passage as the passage that she may quote out of Leviticus. Under the don't eat it's a sin.

    Remember that faith is about emotion and not logic and that this may take some time for her.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 16, 2009 9:33 PM GMT
    ugabulls saidIt is becoming very stressful for me to stay in the closet. I want to be free and tell my mom so bad but because of her christain belief and her being a minister has kept me from coming out. Can any guys out there give me some advice and share some of your experiences


    My experience was ok (if belated). Your experience will be unique to you.

    It appears to me that you don't want to upset your mom or your relationship. Yet something compels you to do something. You want to be free. Whether you choose to tell her and when, well, the decision is yours and it is your life.

    Putting any hard decision off can eat you up inside and resolves little. I chose not to tell my grandparents and I was fine with that but I had a compunction to tell my parents. I was worried, mostly in case I upset my dad but they were cool, my dad went quiet for a while then a week later sent me a postcard that said "as long as you're happy we're happy". My mum said that she knew a long time ago, so my only issue was really 'why didn't you tell me?!' icon_smile.gif

    Your mom will have lived her life making her own choices. Good luck with yours.
  • Koaa2

    Posts: 1556

    Nov 16, 2009 9:46 PM GMT
    Try finding a gay support group near you and some guys who can talk with you one on one. There are so many variables to this, and everyone and their circumstances are so different it is hard to give advice that would help specifically for you. Lots of good ideas though here. Maybe telling someone you know is gay friendly, and non-judgmental, would be a first step. Being out is the only way to live though, so don't let it go much longer, you will never regret living a full out life.