He Got a Better Invitation ?

  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Nov 16, 2009 7:37 PM GMT
    I have a gang of 6 or 7 friends whom I have known for many years. We have often vacationed together. We almost always have celebrated birthdays together and celebrated the holidays together.

    This Thanksgiving, it just happens that 4 guys will be out of town. So, I invited the remaining two (single) guys to join me at a very nice restaurant for Thanksgiving dinner. They both accepted.

    Today, I got an email from one of the guys, inviting me (and our other friend) to have Thanksgiving dinner at one of his own friend's house. This is someone I barely know. I am sure that he has accepted the invitation to have dinner at that friend's house. His reasoning is that there will be a "home cooked meal."

    1) Isn't it wrong to accept an invitation, then cancel, when you get what you think is a "better offer ?"
    2) Shouldn't it be the hostess who offers the invitations, rather than one of her guests asking if he can bring along a couple of his friends ?
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Nov 16, 2009 7:53 PM GMT
    I'd say it's rude depending on how it is handled. If I were in the situation and was invited to someone's home for dinner after planning to eat at the restaurant, I'd let them second person know I already had plans. If they extended the invitation to my friends, I'd go to my friends and give them option. If they declined, I'd most likely decline as well and go to the restaurant as planned.
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    Nov 16, 2009 7:55 PM GMT
    I hope he got permission from the host to invite you as well, but at least he was thinking of you, too. Awkward situations like this can unexpectedly arise when someone is placed under competing obligations. Ideally, he would have told this other host he already had a standing dinner commitment, but that he would check with you other guys, and could you be allowed to come along, too, if the host was agreeable.

    This may be close to what actually did happen. Perhaps some clumsy handling of the situation by your friend, but I'd recommend you judge by the end results on Thanksgiving Day. Indeed I'd try to totally get into the spirit of the holiday, have a great time, and be as warm and generous to this host as you know how, expressing not a word of disappointment over the cancelled restaurant plans.
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    Nov 16, 2009 7:59 PM GMT
    Yeah, I think there's two ways to look at this situation. Normally, I would think that this is a shitty situation. But you really don't lose much here, except canceling the reservation at the restaurant. If you had actually planned to make a Thanksgiving dinner too, then yeah you have a right to be mad.

    Also, if I was making Thanksgiving dinner, I'd extend my offer to my friend's friends if they weren't doing anything. Or in your case, I'd at least offer an invitation to come over for dessert/coffee after you're done with the restaurant.

    I think you should just go and enjoy a free meal. Plus, you'll get to meet some new people.
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Nov 16, 2009 8:19 PM GMT
    Red_Vespa,
    He wasn't thinking of me. He was thinking of having a home cooked meal as opposed to a restaurant meal. He's spoiled and selfish.

    And, I have no intention of accepting a second hand invitation to someone's house, because I am sure that my friend asked the hostess if he could bring two additional people, which I know is socially incorrect, because it puts the hostess in the difficult position of feeling obligated to make room, extra place settings, extra food, etc. for two extra people whom she had no plans to invite.

    I'm not out-going. I don't like being in crowds of strangers, trying to act comfortable, trying to mingle, and trying to pretend that I'm having a good time.
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Nov 16, 2009 8:20 PM GMT
    Plus, he'll be getting a FREE meal.
    He's a multi-millionaire psychiatrist who's cheap.
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    Nov 16, 2009 8:23 PM GMT
    Timberoo saidI'd say it's rude depending on how it is handled.

    Yes, and so let me tell you about the worst Thanksgiving ever. It was 1973, and I was a single Army Lieutenant taking an officer's course at Fort Gordon, Georgia, near Augusta. I was living in a bachelor officers quarters (BOQ) high-rise apartment building, our units each including an efficiency kitchen which I rarely used, eating most of my lunches & suppers at the Officers Club.

    As Thanksgiving approached, a married classmate of mine and his wife invited me to share Thanksgiving at their off-post civilian apartment. It's an Army tradition to invite bachelors, unmarried or "geographical" (meaning you're physically separated from your spouse due to an assignment) into the homes of married military couples on Thanksgiving. Later when married I did it myself many times, especially for young enlisted Privates, their first Thanksgiving away from home.

    On Wednesday before Thanksgiving I saw my kitchen cupboards were even more bare than usual, but I figured I'd go shopping at the Commissary on Friday after the holiday. For Thursday I needed nothing but morning coffee, since I'd be stuffing myself half the day elsewhere. Wrong.

    Wednesday night I get a phone call, and it's my fellow Lieutenant who had invited me. Sorry, he said, we just accepted an invitation to have dinner with another Army couple, and they don't have room for you, too. Hope you understand.

    Hope I WHAT??? You initiated this invite, you just can't pull the rug out from under me at the last minute! I was furious. And besides the prospect of no Thanksgiving dinner, I realized I'd have nothing to eat PERIOD. All the stores were closed by now, and I had only a few dollars on me anyway, in the days before ATMs and in a civilian community where personal checks were rarely accepted.

    Thanksgiving morning I ate dry raisin bran, having no milk, and at noon I had the same thing. I walked the halls and found the whole place deserted, no one wanting to cook their Thanksgiving dinner in an efficiency kitchen. I phoned some restaurants, and the few that would accept my personal check were all booked solid, the post Officers Club among them.

    And so the day went. My Thanksgiving dinner in 1973 consisted of dry raisin bran cereal and not a morsel else. At least it makes for a good story today. icon_razz.gif
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Nov 16, 2009 8:37 PM GMT
    Webster666 saidRed_Vespa,
    I'm not out-going. I don't like being in crowds of strangers, trying to act comfortable, trying to mingle, and trying to pretend that I'm having a good time.


    I can relate.
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    Nov 16, 2009 8:55 PM GMT
    I think it's inconsiderate of him to do that.
    When I'm slighted by good friends, family or best friends I always remind myself the people I hold close do the best they can but sometimes falter. They don't always love us the way we want to be loved but it doesn't mean they aren't loving us the best they can.
    If someone isn't on the same page about a situation then I want them to do what they want rather than have them disengaged or disingenuous in spending time with me.
    Everyone is different and its easier to say than do at times but letting someone do what they need to is how I love. If I don't love them, I'll just call them an asshole and not bother to explain why.
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    Nov 16, 2009 9:08 PM GMT
    I say shake it up and go . Try something new. You will still have your two friends there and there's a possibilty of making new friends, new contacts, new conversations and even maybe an eligible guy. Personally, I like when good friends that I trust push me in a different direction. I may bitch and moan, but usually end up happy and pleasantly surprised.

    And a home cooked meal? Great. Don't show up empty handed. Maybe you can cook something and bring it. Or wine, flowers etc. The host will love it.

  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Nov 16, 2009 9:21 PM GMT
    I wouldn't mind it one bit. You said you are "sure" he already accepted the invite. Is that because he told you or you just assume?

    I don't think it is rude to ask a host if you can bring friends. It is the discretion of the host to allow guests and it is usually customary to at least assume one guest per invite. As a host I don't think it is uncomfortable to allow or not allow guests....as usually it is all dependent of the size of the event, the table space, etc.

    To the OP, if your friend knows that you are of a more introverted type, I do think it was rather inconsiderate of him to not consider your issue that you are more comfortable with less people.

    Also to the OP, it sounds like there might be a back story to this "friend" and you might resent how cheap he has been in other situations. I know how this feels....I have a very well off friend who will only go to restaurants where he has a coupon. I've pretty much told him I won't be interested in these kind of restaurants because most of the time they are awful restaurants that desperately need business. I would rather pay full price and at least enjoy the meal.

    But overall, I've had to deal with this type of a situation and just roll with it for a friend. If he is my friend I want him to be happy too. Usually if I roll with it, it turns out pretty good. I would just tell your friend "Dude, if this evening turns out horrible, the people are a bore, and the food is awful....You totally owe me a nice dinner at a nice restaurant".
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    Nov 16, 2009 9:22 PM GMT
    Webster666 saidI'm not out-going. I don't like being in crowds of strangers, trying to act comfortable, trying to mingle, and trying to pretend that I'm having a good time.

    Then my suggestions to you would not be applicable. Tending to be very outgoing and gregarious myself, I love meeting new people, and can feel at home and have a good time almost anywhere, so my advice may be too self-centered on my part.

    And I just read Timberoo saying he relates to the same thing as you. Actually, I'm kinda surprised, not how I would have estimated him to be. Not a criticism, of course, just not as expected. That being the case about you both, I guess it reinforces an aspect of the Internet often commented upon: the mask of online anonymity gives us personalities we don't always have in person. Or at least how our personalities are perceived mainly via the medium of text.
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    Nov 16, 2009 9:26 PM GMT
    How did you deal w/the after confrontation? Did this guy get someone to explain things to him??? I'm just fucking furious just hearing your story. I know the whole thing about takin care of those who are away from home around holiday time. I've been dealing w/the military as a contractor since 83, (not as long as you there ol'man... :-)

    Red_Vespa said
    Timberoo saidI'd say it's rude depending on how it is handled.

    Yes, and so let me tell you about the worst Thanksgiving ever. It was 1973, and I was a single Army Lieutenant taking an officer's course at Fort Gordon, Georgia, near Augusta. I was living in a bachelor officers quarters (BOQ) high-rise apartment building, our units each including an efficiency kitchen which I rarely used, eating most of my lunches & suppers at the Officers Club.

    As Thanksgiving approached, a married classmate of mine and his wife invited me to share Thanksgiving at their off-post civilian apartment. It's an Army tradition to invite bachelors, unmarried or "geographical" (meaning you're physically separated from your spouse due to an assignment) into the homes of married military couples on Thanksgiving. Later when married I did it myself many times, especially for young enlisted Privates, their first Thanksgiving away from home.

    On Wednesday before Thanksgiving I saw my kitchen cupboards were even more bare than usual, but I figured I'd go shopping at the Commissary on Friday after the holiday. For Thursday I needed nothing but morning coffee, since I'd be stuffing myself half the day elsewhere. Wrong.

    Wednesday night I get a phone call, and it's my fellow Lieutenant who had invited me. Sorry, he said, we just accepted an invitation to have dinner with another Army couple, and they don't have room for you, too. Hope you understand.

    Hope I WHAT??? You initiated this invite, you just can't pull the rug out from under me at the last minute! I was furious. And besides the prospect of no Thanksgiving dinner, I realized I'd have nothing to eat PERIOD. All the stores were closed by now, and I had only a few dollars on me anyway, in the days before ATMs and in a civilian community where personal checks were rarely accepted.

    Thanksgiving morning I ate dry raisin bran, having no milk, and at noon I had the same thing. I walked the halls and found the whole place deserted, no one wanting to cook their Thanksgiving dinner in an efficiency kitchen. I phoned some restaurants, and the few that would accept my personal check were all booked solid, the post Officers Club among them.

    And so the day went. My Thanksgiving dinner in 1973 consisted of dry raisin bran cereal and not a morsel else. At least it makes for a good story today. icon_razz.gif
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    Nov 16, 2009 10:54 PM GMT
    I agree with you that it's wrong to accept a "better offer" like that...especially when you were trying your best to keep what was left of "the gang" together for a holiday...

  • Space_Cowboy_...

    Posts: 3738

    Nov 17, 2009 1:24 AM GMT
    Wow I would have never done that just because I had accepted to you first, it's the principle I think. Well you should put that douche hole in his place and let him know how pissed you are I would have, but then again I have a temper icon_twisted.gif
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    Nov 17, 2009 1:51 AM GMT
    Yes, it's rude to cancel an invitation because you got a better offer.

    Yes, the person hosting the event should extend the invitation, not a guest. I never go to something when a friend says "Oh, they wont care if I bring someone."
  • Space_Cowboy_...

    Posts: 3738

    Nov 17, 2009 1:54 AM GMT
    syd_hockey_79 saidYes, it's rude to cancel an invitation because you got a better offer.

    Yes, the person hosting the event should extend the invitation, not a guest. I never go to something when a friend says "Oh, they wont care if I bring someone."


    Same here, and I extra don't go when the person who invited me like makes sure I can actually come I just don't go if they wanted me there I would have gotten my invite at the same time.icon_rolleyes.gif
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    Nov 17, 2009 1:56 AM GMT
    Or you can just go and if your friend's friend does mind you two showing up, then it will be your friend on the spot, not you. ...and it would serve him right.
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    Nov 17, 2009 2:26 AM GMT
    Webster666 said
    1) Isn't it wrong to accept an invitation, then cancel, when you get what you think is a "better offer ?"
    2) Shouldn't it be the hostess who offers the invitations, rather than one of her guests asking if he can bring along a couple of his friends ?


    1) Yes it is inappropriate to accept an invitation after already accepting yours
    2) Yes the hostess should have been clear to your friend that two guest were welcome. If that was not made clear then I would avoid the event.

    On a side note - wish your friend a happy TG holiday and enjoy the day with your other friend. Schedule some time for the three of you shortly after thanksgiving to share your stories on how the day went.
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    Nov 17, 2009 2:33 AM GMT
    I'm with JW61. He had a GREAT post and shows you what type of person he is. (good job JW61).

    When I read your original post, I thought, yep...keep your plans for the restaurant. Then meet up later.

    Also, then when you said he's cheap, and then you listed your poor social skills, I thought you sounded a bit jealous and self centered. Like a whiner that sits in the corner and pouts.

    It's good that you don't try to go to the friend's friend's house because you would have been a poor guest.

  • xKorix

    Posts: 607

    Nov 17, 2009 8:39 AM GMT
    I would personally never go to a restaurant on thanksgiving, just sounds wrong to me. It sounds like you're taking this really personally. Honestly I would cancel and pick up a real thanksgiving offer over a restaurant any day; I love thanksgiving, I love that someone put the time and effort into the meal and I love that it's going to taste great and I'm gonna enjoy eating with a group of people. Yes he wasn't thinking of you...lol w/e its one invitation and honestly...its a thanksgiving meal...it doesn't happen often, the restaurant will still be there the next day.
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    Nov 17, 2009 12:26 PM GMT
    steltom saidHow did you deal w/the after confrontation? Did this guy get someone to explain things to him??? I'm just fucking furious just hearing your story. I know the whole thing about takin care of those who are away from home around holiday time. I've been dealing w/the military as a contractor since 83, (not as long as you there ol'man... :-)

    Yeah, had my first Army Thanksgiving as a Private in 1969. In an Army mess hall (they call them "dining facilities" or some such PC crap today), when I got no invite into a private home, either.

    When I later became a Captain, Company Commander, I followed another tradition that not every officer still does, of standing behind the serving line myself with my cooks, and dishing out the food as my soldiers went by, all the guys & girls who likewise didn't get a home invite, and who had to eat an Army meal instead, away from their families.

    And I wanna promise you, I pulled every string and called in every favor, to make sure we had more than anyone could eat, more different food items than the Army Master Menu called for. No regulation rations that day, along with huge turkeys, which the Army always does provide. And because our ovens wouldn't handle all those turkeys at once, I twisted arms to get married soldiers to cook a turkey at home and bring it back, even though they themselves obviously didn't need to eat with us and be there.

    Our Christmas parties were also special, my First Sergeant dressed as Santa Claus, handing out presents we donated for the children of my soldiers. I used to have a photo, later lost in a flood, of me sitting on Santa "Top's" lap, looking like a big goof in my Dress Green uniform. Gawd I loved my Army days, I miss them so much... icon_cry.gif

    As for the confrontation from my previous story, there was none per se. I had a few icy words with him back in class the next Monday, but it was not in my own best interests to be seen openly feuding with a fellow officer & classmate.

    Instead, I did what a gay man does best: I sabotaged him behind his back. My story was circulated widely, and he was zeroed when it came time for our peer ratings at the end of the course we were taking. His injury to me came at a cost much greater than a turkey, I promise you.
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    Nov 17, 2009 4:28 PM GMT
    Here is my take: If I had planned to have the dinner at my house instead of a restaurant, I would have been miffed. The fact that you were planning to go to a restaurant changes how I feel. I would do this: Get the host's number from your friend and call him or her - expressing appreciation for the invitation (thereby insuring that you truly are wanted and welcome.)

    If the host makes you feel welcome over the phone - you could go ahead and go. I'd then ask to what I could bring - and if the host insists nothing is needed, I'd bring a very good wine - wrapped in a good wine bag with my note on it. Even though you're not wild about this gathering, you might have fun and come away glad that you went. If the host acts a bit stressed and you pick up that vibe - I'd thank him and politely decline.

    Even the best restaurants in SF (where you live) are stressed during this and other holidays. Waiters are overworked and it is really not the best way to spend your Thanksgiving. I know. I was a waiter in my college days at one of the best places in the City - L'Etoile at the Huntington. We could not do our best at all for our customers on holidays. I made a mental note never to eat out on holidays in restaurants if I could help it - - for the rest of my life. I'd rather get a small turkey breast and trimmings and do the dinner at home - even if it ends up being just two or three of you - - - than put up with the crowds in any restaurant - - even in your city - which I love so much.
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    Nov 18, 2009 10:52 PM GMT
    I have been inviting Thanksgiving to Parties, I turned them down because I don't like the crowd or people that I don't know.. I don't care about free or drink. That's not my cup of tea
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Nov 18, 2009 11:00 PM GMT
    I underestimated (and/or misjudged) my friend.
    I was sure that he would be accepting the house dinner invitation.
    But, because another friend and I said "no" to the house invitation, my friend has chosen to dine with us at the restaurant.

    The End

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