Relationship-phobia?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 16, 2009 10:15 PM GMT
    I met a great guy a few months ago. We spoke several times face to face. Emailed. Chatted online. A few weeks ago, I asked him out on a date. He accepted. We had a great time. I asked if he would like to go out again. He said yes. Again, we had a great time. A few days after the second date, he asks why we haven't slept together. I told him that when the time is right, it will happen. Our third date saw the deed being done.
    After our third date, he asks if we could see each other again. I said that would be great. As our next date time was coming up, he suddenly went quiet. Wouldn't return my calls. I saw him online. I said hi via yahoo chat. Nothing.
    I guess this was yet another case of a guy who only wanted a piece of ass. He got it. Move on. So............

    Are guys relationship-phobic? Are guys just scared shitless when it comes to dating the same guy? Is it only about having as many dicks/asses as you can?
    I am not saying I am some angel. But what gives? Can two guys really have a relationship? Or should I just accept that it is only going to be one-nighters?
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    Nov 17, 2009 1:33 AM GMT
    I'm not really into dating right now. Just want to meet new people and make friends. I'm kinda turned off by the types of guys out there. On the one side, you have guys that just want to get laid or only want a regular no-strings-attached situation. On the other side, you have guys that are desperate to get into a relationship. You go out a few times and the next thing you know, he wants you to move in with him.

    So I'm going under the premise that good relationships start with good friendships. So far no luck on that one. Not too many guys my age want to be friends. They already have their circle of friends and don't want any outsiders.
    [Cue the Heathers reference.]

    Oh well, life goes on.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Nov 17, 2009 1:39 AM GMT
    I guess thats part of the reason we all try to get to know the other guy.. things like this happen. He may not have wanted to date, but you did.
    Kind of sad. I'm not sure you did anything wrong, just part of the risk you take when you start dating.
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    Nov 17, 2009 10:16 AM GMT
    I'm not scared of dating or having a relationship, but, I don't want one, I don't want one for a very very long time.

    But guys freak me the fuck out, I can't believe how many are so desperate for a relationship, it's just scary, you tell'em no and some how in there head it means yes and you say no again and some how they twist it around as yes again, so no, I don't bother with'em and walk away at that point.
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    Nov 17, 2009 10:47 AM GMT
    I don't know about relationship phobia because I can never know what's going on in someones' head. Dating is weird, though.
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    Nov 17, 2009 3:01 PM GMT
    Are guys relationship-phobic? Gay or straight or bi, some are, some aren't. The guy you dated could very well be. He cut you off, and that tells you everything you need to know. Feet. Of. Clay.

    Not relationship material, and you know there's only one way of finding out; dating. icon_wink.gif


  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Nov 17, 2009 3:19 PM GMT
    You are considering accepting "that it is only going to be one-nighters". The other guy has probably already accepted that and no longer is looking for an ltr because he thinks it is impossible. For you to ask that question sounds like you're very close to accepting that kind of lifestyle as well. I find his attitude weak, lazy, and ignorant. You need to move on.

    I already know I'm one half of a great relationship. If I exist, obviously other guys like myself exist. Do I have to go through a lot of dating crap to maybe get there? Yep. The alternative would be to lock myself away, not be social, and be even more miserable. If I am single for the rest of my life, that is fine, but at least I'm going to try to have a significant relationship....I actually know no other way.
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    Nov 17, 2009 3:43 PM GMT
    I think the distancing is a protection mechanism.

    That being said, some gay / bi guys are pretty head fucked and after you get to know them a bit you know there's just no way it would work out in the long haul.

    I had a guy a few years back that really clicked. We hung out a bunch of times. He was striking in appearance, bright, articulate, multi-talented, in great shape, and we hit it off well. One day, ......nothing...no return IMs, email, calls, etc. Two years later, out of the blue, I get a single e-mail: "Sorry I treated you so badly. I decided to get back with my boyfriend and didn't want to get all mixed up in drama."

    Some guys don't have a lick of class. They're the sort you write off, and move on.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 17, 2009 4:30 PM GMT
    I'm not relationship-phobic... I'm just getting past that "once-bitten-twice-shy" stage following a breakup, and rediscovering myself.
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    Nov 17, 2009 4:34 PM GMT
    It's a rotten feeling. Before my current bf I made a self imposed rule of no sex for the first 4 dates. If it went beyond that, then I figured we were both more into each other than just looking for sex. It was sometimes hard to resist but worth it to know someone wanted 'me for me' and not 'me for that'! I think many guys fear 'relationships' either out of inexperience or previous negative experiences.
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    Nov 17, 2009 4:43 PM GMT
    I wouldn't say I have a relationship-phobia, but after a few failed relationships I am definitely hesitant to enter into another relationship. I am content being single and living my life as I want. I enjoy the freeom of being single (not just talking sexaul). I like being myself and just can't stomach the pettiness and judgement that seems all to common among gay men.
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    Nov 17, 2009 4:46 PM GMT
    I have to agree with the Antijock unfortunately. I've slept with men after a few dates and found the incompatibility in bed to be irreconcilable with the relationship... Hence, no more dates. Though I'm usually kind enough to spell it out instead of slyly backing away.
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    Nov 17, 2009 4:47 PM GMT
    eb925guy saidIt's a rotten feeling. Before my current bf I made a self imposed rule of no sex for the first 4 dates. If it went beyond that, then I figured we were both more into each other than just looking for sex. It was sometimes hard to resist but worth it to know someone wanted 'me for me' and not 'me for that'! I think many guys fear 'relationships' either out of inexperience or previous negative experiences.


    An ex bf of my had a similar rule but his was for a month. We did break it by about a week early. Well we also did a lot of playing around (mostly oral) before that 3-week period. Having a waiting policy is probably a good screening process.
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    Nov 17, 2009 4:55 PM GMT
    What do we call guys who sleep around? Whores.
    Guys who sleep around probably have AIDS too.

    What are guys biologically built to do? Sleep around.

    This is the odd thing about our culture. We have a biological urge to sleep around, but a cultural one for sex only in a monogamous relationship. This puts us in conflict with two parts of ourselves. Some people just can't handle it. They would rather date people, prompt them for sex, and split rather than just admit they are only interested in sex.

    From what you wrote I speculate you dated such a person. Sorry they wasted your time. It happens in the kooky, mixed-up world we live in.
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    Nov 18, 2009 6:40 AM GMT
    lilTanker saidI'm not scared of dating or having a relationship, but, I don't want one, I don't want one for a very very long time.

    " AAAWWW dude you're only 27 of course you don't want a relationship for a long time well at least not until next week! icon_eek.gif What is his name again??"

    But guys freak me the fuck out, I can't believe how many are so desperate for a relationship, it's just scary, you tell'em no and some how in there head it means yes and you say no again and some how they twist it around as yes again, so no, I don't bother with'em and walk away at that point.


    Quit hitting on mature non defective good looking well built men! What are you thinking dude. There are enough defective boys out there to play with. icon_lol.gif

    I put a defective stamp on my EX sooooo there is one you can play with. That way you can both walk away from each other.
  • MercuryMax

    Posts: 713

    Nov 18, 2009 7:12 AM GMT
    I dont have a phobia of being in a relationship. I do have a fear of being in a relationship with the wrong person. I do go on dates. I love to date actually. I like to get to know people for who they are. Some of them, I click with and others I don't.

    The reason why I'm not in a relationship right now is because, I keep finding people I'm attracted to that I dont click with mentally and/or finding people I click with that I'm not sexually attracted to. I'm not looking for something that will only last for a while. I'm looking for something that will last for a lifetime....

    I recently went on a date with my ex....and oddly....I still think he's the one for me....we've been through some downs....and deep in his brain, I think he feels the same way about me. I truly think we were made for each other. We have to get reacquainted with each other though, because we broke up 4years ago...but after the date, we hugged to say goodbye....and neither of us would let go...it was heartwarming...

    I suppose we all just need to be patient and find the right one. We also need to learn to accept the fact that you have to break a few eggs to make an omelette. Not everyone is meant for everyone else. However dating and the occasional "fun", I believe, is perfectly natural.

    So, just because you haven't run into that right guy, doesn't mean you won't....just means you have to run into him. If a guy cuts you off, don't take it too personal...just take it as being "not meant to be"

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    Nov 18, 2009 8:05 AM GMT
    at 39 you should know these things already .. you can pick 'em, but you cannot always keep 'em. some guys are just desperadoes icon_lol.gif