Need help with passive-aggressive roommate, plzkthx!

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 17, 2009 6:13 AM GMT
    Yes, I know this is slightly passive-aggressive on my side. That said, here's the deal.

    I left an awesome apartment, living alone, to save some money by moving in with some friends I've had for nearly 10 years. We get along great and all aside from one problem.

    They don't like doing the dishes. Ever.

    They seem to think that I make most of the mess in the kitchen as well, even though I rarely cook at home or even use our plates/glasses/flatware.

    My roommate, E, had his boyfriend comment once how I need to not run my torrents while I'm at work (specifically how I shouldn't download porn while away from home, because it kills our bandwidth). Not a problem there, I only run my torrents at night now. Issue resolved.

    I'm on facebook tonight though, when his boyfriend sends me another message. "Do the fucking dishes".

    A big part of me wants to tell the boyfriend off. If my roommate wants me to do something around the house, he can come and ask me to do it like an adult. I won't tell the boyfriend off, however, because that would make all sorts of nasty tension with my roommate.

    Any advice on how to let the roommate know this isn't cool without coming across as a total prick?
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    Nov 17, 2009 6:16 AM GMT
    GwgTrunks saidYes, I know this is slightly passive-aggressive on my side. That said, here's the deal.

    I left an awesome apartment, living alone, to save some money by moving in with some friends I've had for nearly 10 years. We get along great and all aside from one problem.

    They don't like doing the dishes. Ever.

    They seem to think that I make most of the mess in the kitchen as well, even though I rarely cook at home or even use our plates/glasses/flatware.

    My roommate, E, had his boyfriend comment once how I need to not run my torrents while I'm at work (specifically how I shouldn't download porn while away from home, because it kills our bandwidth). Not a problem there, I only run my torrents at night now. Issue resolved.

    I'm on facebook tonight though, when his boyfriend sends me another message. "Do the fucking dishes".

    A big part of me wants to tell the boyfriend off. If my roommate wants me to do something around the house, he can come and ask me to do it like an adult. I won't tell the boyfriend off, however, because that would make all sorts of nasty tension with my roommate.

    Any advice on how to let the roommate know this isn't cool without coming across as a total prick?



    You should try to compromise with them, by having them do their part when it comes to many other chores, as they should also put in their effort. If it doesn't work, then have a talk with them regarding some simple things that would be appreciated to have done...and if they turn on you...I would say they are not worthy hahaha. FUCK EM.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 17, 2009 6:18 AM GMT
    Just send a reply back to the boyfriend..

    "Those aren't my dishes. I don't even eat at home. And why are you telling me? You don't live here."

    I think the best thing to do is set up a hidden videocamera in the kitchen and videotape your roommates use the dishes and not wash them. Next time your roommates whine about you not doing the dishes, just show them the video. Problem solved.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Nov 17, 2009 1:17 PM GMT
    xrichx saidJust send a reply back to the boyfriend..

    "Those aren't my dishes. I don't even eat at home. And why are you telling me? You don't live here."



    Agreed.

    I'd suggest spending $20 and getting dishes and glasses for yourself that look totally different from what he has. Use only your dishes and you'll always know what dirty ones are yours - and so will he.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 17, 2009 1:29 PM GMT
    xrichx saidJust send a reply back to the boyfriend..

    "Those aren't my dishes. I don't even eat at home. And why are you telling me? You don't live here."

    I think the best thing to do is set up a hidden videocamera in the kitchen and videotape your roommates use the dishes and not wash them. Next time your roommates whine about you not doing the dishes, just show them the video. Problem solved.


    The problem would be solved a lot quicker by moving out. The issue isn't the dishes, it's the personalities.
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    Nov 17, 2009 2:35 PM GMT
    We're with TexDef07, and if you find another share, do go over a few times a see how they keep the place up before deciding to move in. icon_wink.gif
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Nov 17, 2009 3:18 PM GMT
    I have the same issue with my roommates, except there is no debate that it's their dishes in the sink, which can lounge there for weeks (or beer cans in the living room, but that's another story). I find they will do the dishes if I ask in a nice way.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 17, 2009 3:36 PM GMT
    GwgTrunks saidYes, I know this is slightly passive-aggressive on my side. That said, here's the deal.

    I left an awesome apartment, living alone, to save some money by moving in with some friends I've had for nearly 10 years. We get along great and all aside from one problem.

    They don't like doing the dishes. Ever.

    They seem to think that I make most of the mess in the kitchen as well, even though I rarely cook at home or even use our plates/glasses/flatware.

    My roommate, E, had his boyfriend comment once how I need to not run my torrents while I'm at work (specifically how I shouldn't download porn while away from home, because it kills our bandwidth). Not a problem there, I only run my torrents at night now. Issue resolved.

    I'm on facebook tonight though, when his boyfriend sends me another message. "Do the fucking dishes".

    A big part of me wants to tell the boyfriend off. If my roommate wants me to do something around the house, he can come and ask me to do it like an adult. I won't tell the boyfriend off, however, because that would make all sorts of nasty tension with my roommate.

    Any advice on how to let the roommate know this isn't cool without coming across as a total prick?


    Sounds like you're both (you and your roommate) are both a bit inconsiderate. All that being said, just tell the boyfriend that's whining.
    1. I wash my dishes when I'm here.
    2. If it's bothering you, come wash them.
    3. It's not your place to manage our household. I pay the rent. Lazy roommate pays the rent.
    4. Tell whining boyfriend, if it's bothering you, please, don't come over.

    It sounds like you need to address this directly with your roommate. Depending how important it is to you, if he fails to take action MOVE.

    Sounds like you're all a bit immature. Your roommate for being lazy and inconsiderate. You for being inconsiderate. Whining boyfriend for sticking his nose where it doesn't belong. You all need to start acting like adults.

    I.e., have some balls for crying out loud. Take it up with the roommate and leave the whining boyfriend out of it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 17, 2009 3:56 PM GMT
    Well, there's standard roommate issues of "who does what" and "who's fault is that" kinda thing. All these just need to be talked about calmly and openly. They are only disasters when people don't speak up.

    But the passive aggressive thing is corrosive - it's just a way of "cheating" by saying something when you don't actually have the guts to say it. Instead, you get someone else to say it (this seems to be your case, with the bf doing the dirty work), or you pass it off as "just joking" when it's actually not, etc.

    I think you should be very friendly and helpful and tell your roommies that you're all about making the living situation work great for everyone, so it's really important that if they have any issues they tell you right away, themselves, and you'll promise to do the same. Oh, and that having other people who don't live in the apt speak for them is confusing, annoying, and will lead to tension for reasons that are obvious. If they don't understand why they are obvious, well... then it's time to start a quiet search for different roommates.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 17, 2009 3:58 PM GMT
    the BF is out of line. Talk to your flatmate. Be thinking of other options as to where you live: the issue is not the dishes, it´s their relationship with each other and with you.

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    Nov 17, 2009 7:42 PM GMT
    So, when you do use the dishes how long does it take you to clean them? If the problem is the dishes, do the dishes.

    Having lived with many roommates, and only most of them disgusting human being, I have had to deal with messy people, passive-aggressive people, and heterosexuals (gasp!). Setting up some house rules might do the trick. Even if you don't actually set up specific rules, you have created a flatmates-only forum to complain about each other. Then, he might not have to sic the attack boyfriend on you.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Nov 17, 2009 7:47 PM GMT
    MunchingZombie saidSo, when you do use the dishes how long does it take you to clean them? If the problem is the dishes, do the dishes.


    Why should he wash other people's dishes?
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    Nov 17, 2009 7:49 PM GMT
    Timberoo said
    MunchingZombie saidSo, when you do use the dishes how long does it take you to clean them? If the problem is theyour dishes, do theyour dishes.


    Why should he wash other people's dishes?


    Fixed it icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 17, 2009 8:03 PM GMT
    Well putting down rules would be smart it has nothing to do with tension. For problems will always happen.
    And a #1 Rule on your part will be keeping ones BF in checkicon_lol.gif Where only Roommates have the privilage of commenting on messes. For cussing at someone is childish and you are too cute to be letting anyone do that to you Stud. This is an issue where using your balls comes in handy.
    Do you have a chore list? If not make one.
    Is his BF on the Lease? If not he has no say in anything. You making all the compromises isn't good. What have they stopped doing or started doing cause they haven't done it since you moved in with your roommate?
    And from the sounds of it your roommate has no balls if he has his BF talk to you about stuff.
  • josephmovie

    Posts: 533

    Nov 17, 2009 8:03 PM GMT
    The dishes and taking out the bins - the two big roomate dealbreakers.

    If it's got to the point where you are getting irate messages, it sounds like you may be one of those flatmates who is messier than they realize. I've lived with people like this. They don't use the bins much so they never take it out, they don't make much mess so they never clean, they don't clean the bathroom because they don't shower as much as other people. They don't create much mess, so they don't do all that much, only to leave everything to the other roomies, who eventually get really pissed off.

    I suggest you all make a up a system where one of you will be responsible for the dishes on certain days of the week. That way everyone knows who has to do what on what day.

    And another piece of advice. Never move in with friends. There is a 99% chance you won't be friends by the time you move out.

    And this really is about more than the dishes. You know that don't you?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 17, 2009 8:10 PM GMT
    Create a Roommates Only Twitter account.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Nov 17, 2009 8:13 PM GMT
    take all his dirty dishes and throw them into his room
  • JP85257

    Posts: 3284

    Nov 17, 2009 8:18 PM GMT
    I suggest putting a boot in the boyfriend's ass. What a prick.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 17, 2009 8:18 PM GMT
    lugubrious saidShank them hos.



    This!

    but first dropkick the boyfriend!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 17, 2009 8:23 PM GMT
    I picked a cool guy from my H20-polo team and we tried the roommate deal in a large apartment, fresh out of college. Within a week it crashed. All the furniture, stereo equipment, records and tapes were mine and he was a slob - abusing my stuff. My fault. I should have had a discussion with him beforehand about his takes on keeping a clean place / respecting furniture, etc. I had no idea that such a great guy could be a totally irresponsible slob to live with! I'm an admitted clean freak - - - we should have talked about it well in advance of trying to live together.

    You may have to get out of this - and get another place or look for more like minded guys to live with.
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    Nov 17, 2009 8:24 PM GMT
    Do the fucking dishes

    ???????

    Bud, I wouldn't even talk to my dog that way.
    The BF is totally disrespectful and needs his ass kicked.
  • allatonce

    Posts: 904

    Nov 17, 2009 8:26 PM GMT
    Write a blog all about it. You can update posts with every time your roommate doesn't wash their dishes or doesn't replace the milk bag. Add some snarky comments and a few pictures and you're cooking.

    Or you could just talk to your roommate about it. Often both parties feel like the other person is the lazy one, speak to your roommate about it and both agree to put in an effort to be more clean/considerate. Do the dishes even when your roommate doesn't right away, and if two weeks later your roommate hasn't shaped up speak again and maybe follow the strategy of getting different dishes for yourself. Often if you lead by example your roommate will follow not to seem like the lazy one if it has been explicitly mentioned.

    If he is a good friend he is probably worth it. I would specifically mention to him the email that you received and that you felt offended. This whole forum post seems kind of passive-aggressive if you ask me.

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    Nov 17, 2009 8:26 PM GMT
    bucksube saidDo the fucking dishes

    ???????

    Bud, I wouldn't even talk to my dog that way.
    The BF is totally disrespectful and needs his ass kicked.


    I agree. Start throwin' punches and blame it on too much sugar.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Nov 17, 2009 8:32 PM GMT
    allatonce saidThis whole forum post seems kind of passive-aggressive if you ask me.



    imo, when someone asks for advice in a forum they already know what they should do, they just don't want to have to do it
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    Nov 17, 2009 8:42 PM GMT
    jayseguy said
    bucksube saidDo the fucking dishes

    ???????

    Bud, I wouldn't even talk to my dog that way.
    The BF is totally disrespectful and needs his ass kicked.


    I agree. Start throwin' punches and blame it on too much sugar.


    Amen sisters!


    WTF? he needs to keep his ass shut - and you need to talk to your roommates. Make it clear that no one else is doing the dishes - this is bullshit - and that you refuse to do anything that isn't yours. End of story - keep your dishes aside and yours (if yours are different , they will use them unless you 'hide' them)