Adrenaline rush of first-time-sexual encounters with a person, vs , a monogamous relationship you want to be in.

  • Aznraven84

    Posts: 21

    Nov 17, 2009 11:23 AM GMT
    I'm currently in a odd situation that I've never been in. I dated a guy for a couple of months, and towards the end, it got kinda sour. We talked about what our problems were recently, and it came down to sex.

    I enjoy it, and he wasn't satisfied. He said he hasn't been satisfied with someone he's been with for a while in the past. I asked if it was the initial sexual interaction the only satisfying moment, and he said yes. After that? He said that he gradually loses interest.

    Since he doesn't know why this is happening, he said that he felt "cheated" that I would enjoy the sex more than him.
    We came to some conclusions that didn't sit to well with him. (Open relationship; or to stop dating so he could be single and have that initial adrenaline rush when having sex with a new person.)

    So the sticky and odd part of this situation for me is that he told me, besides sex, he still likes me and wants to date me. And that, "Sex isn't everything," but I'm afraid of the possibility he might cheat down the line since I'm the monogamous type.

    How do you overcome or problem-solve the situation of this nature of sex if you wanted the relationship to work?
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    Nov 17, 2009 1:36 PM GMT
    Aznraven84 said I'm afraid of the possibility he might cheat down the line since I'm the monogamous type.
    How do you overcome or problem-solve the situation of this nature of sex if you wanted the relationship to work?


    You can't. He's made it as clear as he can that a monogamous relationship won't satisfy him. You've made it clear that an open relationship won't satisfy you. Move on.
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    Nov 17, 2009 1:46 PM GMT
    As Dan Savage would say, dump the motherfucker already.

    What he's saying is just a lame way of telling you that he's not interested in sex with you, but he's too chickenshit to actually just outright dump you and move on. So take the initiative. It has nothing to do with him just not getting the thrill from that first time with someone, it's that he doesn't really enjoy sex with you, and unless he's just got some kinks that you two haven't discussed and that you could fulfill, there's not much else for you to do. Drop him to the curb.
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    Nov 17, 2009 2:12 PM GMT


    How do you overcome or problem-solve the situation of this nature of sex if you wanted the relationship to work?[/quote]

    Hey champ, your problem ( and I use the term your loosely) is that you are both trying to negotiate solutions rather than needs.

    Behind the solution, which you alluded to is your need for a sense of security and his need for this (adrenline rush) perhaps there is another way to achieve this. If not....

    We all have needs, neurotic or otherwise and they can only be met by willing participants. Here is what I will say. Security is based on honesty not the illusion of an ideal. If in fact you are monogamous type, then your needs are very different then his. Square pegs in round holes. If however the honesty is more significant for you..you may want to read the book "opening up" just as a way of negotiating the form of an open relationship.

    Ok..that said. IT IS ESSENTIAL that you keep your emotions in check while you are testing the waters...do not, at this early stage let yourself get too attached.

    Wishing you all the best!!!
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    Nov 17, 2009 2:22 PM GMT
    Aznraven84 saidSince he doesn't know why this is happening, he said that he felt "cheated" that I would enjoy the sex more than him.


    He is cheated. You are cheating him out of his sexual pleasure. You are such a jerk.

    Aznraven84 saidSo the sticky and odd part of this situation for me is that he told me, besides sex, he still likes me and wants to date me. And that, "Sex isn't everything," but I'm afraid of the possibility he might cheat down the line since I'm the monogamous type.


    No, of course, sex isn't everything. Even though you guys talked and came to the conclusion that sex was the underlying problem.

    If he had balls he would say "my sexual needs are not being met by monogamy" and break up with you. Instead, he is trying to break up with you without seeming like a shallow jerk for breaking up with you just because of sex (which, by the way, is a perfectly valid reason to break up with someone all on its own).

    DTMA
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    Nov 17, 2009 2:29 PM GMT
    OK, let's see...

    He doesn't want an open relationship.
    He doesn't want to stop dating.
    He says the sex isn't everything, but unsatisfying sex has him unhappy.
    He feels 'cheated' that you're enjoying the sex more than him.

    It seems the man has some contradictions happening that he needs to address. It also seems that he's caught up in serial monogamy that lasts only while the 'first date rush' is happening.

    In this kind of situation I usually broke things off, explaining that I was the same person as when we'd met.

    In this case it's only been several weeks. If there's a time to have these problems, it's early in a relationship. It would be horrible to have this happen after a year or so when your emotional investment is deeper.

    How do YOU feel being unable to satisfy him? Because, in this situation, it really is about you.

    -Doug of meninlove

  • rdberg1957

    Posts: 662

    Nov 17, 2009 3:37 PM GMT
    Personally, this is an important topic. I've experienced two different types of sex. Hot sex and warm sex. I usually experience hot sex with strangers or people I haven't known long, it's visceral, all about pleasure, high levels of arousal and powerful orgasms, the intensity of which diminishes after repeated occasions. Warm sex is much more about the relationship; the experience is enhanced with repeated experiences, particularly as the relationship grows in many facets. I've spent a lot of my life chasing hot sex, with lots of one night encounters. Usually I feel sexually excited, but emotionally empty. I am 52, single and definitely want more emotional connection as I age. When I was younger, in my 20's and 30's, it was so easy to find hot sex. Less so now even though I am in better shape than at any time since I was a teenager (cardio, core strength, flexibility). Occasionally I still go for hot sex, but mostly I want a warm relationship. If the sex is playful, warm and regular, I think I'll be able to handle that.

    Some others have suggested that the poster is responsible for his partner's satisfaction. Methinks that overstates the case quite a bit. I believe that, in the main, I'm responsible for my own sexual satisfaction. My partner's job is to be responsive to my requests within his limits, not to read my mind and know what it is that I like, not to be superman, and not to fulfill my every fantasy, etc.
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    Nov 17, 2009 3:42 PM GMT
    Dude has issues. Dtma
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Nov 17, 2009 3:45 PM GMT
    You can't fix this. He is inherently bitter for something that isn't your fault. Him holding ill-feelings because you enjoy yourself is a serious sign that this is bound to go up in flames.
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    Nov 17, 2009 10:11 PM GMT
    I complement you on your ability to have this discussion with your partner.

    More discussion may be warranted but as others have said: he wants out and he’s using this as an excuse.

    NEXT
  • DanielQQ

    Posts: 365

    Nov 17, 2009 10:18 PM GMT
    I think as people become closer to each other in a relationship, their sexual excitement wanes. The rush you get when you first have sex with someone is exciting, no doubt, but it's naive and immature to think that you can sustain that level of excitement. When you make a commitment to someone, you make sacrifices. One of which is that you are willing to forego that sexual excitement in exchange for a much deeper and meaningful (albeit possibly less exciting) sexual relationship. Doesn't sound like your bf is ready to make that leap...
  • Aznraven84

    Posts: 21

    Nov 24, 2009 7:05 AM GMT
    Thank you all for your comments. With all of the comments being under the same solution, it made me think more clearly from my hopeful mind set that things would possibly work out.