I just came out to my mom. How can I calm her down?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 18, 2009 4:33 AM GMT
    My mom asked me tonight why I've been spending so much time away from home, assuming I had a girlfriend. I told her straight out that I had a boyfriend.

    She is kind of freaking the fuck out.

    After asking me if I'm serious 100 or so times, she just kept repeating stuff like "why would you upset me like this? I raised you to be normal. Did I raise you to be gay? What did i do wrong? I had so many hopes for you." etc, etc. You get the gist of it...

    Anyway, after a while she starts asking me about my boyfriend. How old is he and what does he do. I'm not gonna be dishonest at this point so I tell her that he's a 40 year old bouncer. I'm 23. She is totally freaked and told me to leave her alone for a while. She ends up calling my brother who also didn't know and he just called me to say that I need to calm her down because I laid way too much on her at once. He took her side about my boyfriend, and is kinda freaking out himself.

    I can't really think of anything I can do to calm her down, so I probably won't. I want to say it's not my problem, but then I'd by lying to myself. What would you do?

    At least she didn't disown me, so that's good.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 18, 2009 4:59 AM GMT
    Wow, when I told my mom, at age 29, she did one of those gulps and said "I will still love you anyways." She then told me she went out and got books on it, which I thought was odd, but that is what she did.

    I told my mom everything. My advice to you is once the initial shock wears off, ask her to ask you anything she wants to know. I told my mother what I don't do sexually, etc, and how the stereotypes that she knows of are completely wrong. Then change the subject and act like the same son you have always been.

    Vic
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 18, 2009 5:07 AM GMT
    Well I'm proud of ya icon_smile.gif doing that's pretty difficult to deal with. I guess leave her alone and let her deal with it on her own time. My father was pretty much the same way. I think she'll come to terms with it. If you need someone to talk to, i'm here for ya.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 18, 2009 5:07 AM GMT
    honestly, you can't calm her down. you can only be who you are unapologetically, and in time she will settle as she will. you are right in being honest - she has a right to know you. she's your mother, and she loves you. but that means she needs to love ALL of you (even the part of you that likes 40-year-old bouncers [not that there is anything wrong with 40-year-old bouncers]).

    this is an issue of time. she will come around in her own time. continue telling her the truth. she saw you before as her (presumed) straight son. she now has to see you as her (declared) gay son. she has a right to be upset and disappointed, but you have a right to be honest and happy. it's your life, not hers (but acknowledge that you have it only because of her). you are both going to have to redraw the perceived expectations and respect each other's sensitivities.
  • camfer

    Posts: 892

    Nov 18, 2009 5:18 AM GMT
    First, congratulations for coming out to her. It might not seem like it right now, but your life just got so much easier for taking that step.

    So long as you are honest and respectful, you are not really responsible for your mother's reaction. Some of this she needs to process on her own. Just be yourself, because you're the same person you were before you told her, only now she gets to see another facet of you.

    Good luck and it's gonna be okay.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 18, 2009 5:22 AM GMT
    You did answer her question with an answer she wasn't expecting... but you did avoid the whole "mom, dad... I'm gay" thing so... points for that I guess.

    But like others said, it will be about time to calm her down.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 18, 2009 5:33 AM GMT
    If your mom beliefs in a religion, try to find the gay support group for that religion and let her talk to them. Or call PFLAG.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 18, 2009 5:34 AM GMT
    Short answer: Xanax.

    Long answer: Lots of time, patience, and understanding.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 18, 2009 5:37 AM GMT

    Your initial reaction is probably the best you really can't do anything to calm her down. You don't have the skills and you're not the right person to calm her down. You are doing the right thing by remaining calm and not matter where it goes, how much freaking they do, you just need to stay calm.

    My second lover was 25 when he told his family the same way and he told them I was 43. Same fireworks maybe more. He joined the show until I calmed him down. Just step back and let them go. They will get exhausted and slowly you will be able to talk with them. We lasted 12 yrs and we went over every holiday, birthdays for the 12yrs as a couple. He came from a large family and large extended family. What ever happens between you and your family never bring your BF into the mix and hopefully he'll know not to venture in.

    Just one question I assume your father in not in the picture or he is removed enough that he doesn't fit into the freaking equation.

    The other part that is unknown is your mothers age to your BF. Is she a young mother in her 40's for much older mother. All of these play into the mix none of which you can solve. So fight the urge to freak yourself when things boil up from time to time and remain calm.

    Welcome to the club little brother. icon_cool.gif

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 18, 2009 5:43 AM GMT
    She'll calm down eventually when she realises you are still the same you. Think of how long it took you to come to terms with the fact you're gay - give her a few hours at least.

    I agree though, you probably shouldn't have told her about the boyfriend, even though she did ask you. Such is life, though.

    If she doesn't calm down, slip her a Xanax...
  • joggerva

    Posts: 731

    Nov 18, 2009 5:50 AM GMT
    syd_hockey_79 saidShe'll calm down eventually when she realises you are still the same you. Think of how long it took you to come to terms with the fact you're gay - give her a few hours at least.

    I agree though, you probably shouldn't have told her about the boyfriend, even though she did ask you. Such is life, though.


    This is important. She is shocked, and her shock is understandable. As others have said, you probably won't be able to calm her down. But she will likely calm down on her own. On her own time.

    My suggestion would be to very, very calmly say to your mom that you are still you and you understand this is difficult and you love her. Sometimes the child has to be reassuring to the parent too.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 18, 2009 5:52 AM GMT
    ballsy move...

    something i have yet to do.

    as far as calming ur mom down... you know her best.

    just get ready for things to change, and in the end it will probably for the better.
    life will prolly suck for the next lil while but for all you know it might be a good thing in the long run for u and you mom...

    she doesn't seem to know much bout gay stuff and the more she knows the better she can understand

    but if all she knows about gay people is what u see on tv and all those "fun loving" sterotypes we have floating around, she's gunna be scared shitless for her child.

    IMO, you need to help her understand and learn more about gay stuff cuz other wise her head will be running off a whole bunch of negative things that she's known for her whole life

    good luck dude
  • Space_Cowboy_...

    Posts: 3738

    Nov 18, 2009 5:54 AM GMT
    WOW well tell her it's not how she raised you it's how you were born you are normal you just happen to like boys... well men. And tell her she did nothing wrong, you came out to be a good person and list all the good things about you. icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 18, 2009 5:55 AM GMT
    thanks for the comments and suggestions.

    Roccoe said
    Just one question I assume your father in not in the picture or he is removed enough that he doesn't fit into the freaking equation.

    The other part that is unknown is your mothers age to your BF. Is she a young mother in her 40's for much older mother. All of these play into the mix none of which you can solve. So fight the urge to freak yourself when things boil up from time to time and remain calm.

    Welcome to the club little brother. icon_cool.gif



    Oh yeah my mom will definitely tell my dad tomorrow. Can't wait....
    He's overseas in another time zone right now so she couldn't call tonight.
    And my mom is 58. I don't think she has a huge problem with the age difference. We had a discussion about it a couple weeks ago because my cousin has a similar age gap with her fiance, and my mom is happy for her. His occupation seemed to concern her a lot more than his age did.

    Caslon12000 saidIf your mom beliefs in a religion, try to find the gay support group for that religion and let her talk to them. Or call PFLAG.


    She's religious but doesn't belong to any one in particular. Actually one of the things she said tonight was that she should take me to a chinese church to meet some nice girls. lol.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 18, 2009 6:01 AM GMT
    I think her main shock came when you told her your boyfriend's age.
    I think she could have handled it better if it was one of your buddies around your age.

    I'm assuming that your mom is around the 40-50 range. She probably feels shocked that someone of her age group is messing around with her baby. You'll always be her baby, remember that.
  • MercuryMax

    Posts: 713

    Nov 18, 2009 6:07 AM GMT
    Just be careful, a friend of mine did that to his mom.....she then overdosed on pills.

    In the end, I think it was the age of your bf that she had the most problem with....I mean, I was a bit stunned about it when I read it....I understand preferences though....lucky 40yr old he is tho.....

    Some people just dont take things well, so I suggest watching her closely and at least try to calm her down somehow.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 18, 2009 6:10 AM GMT
    Congratulations!

    One blurt of honesty to start the rest of your honest life. It'll get easier for you both.

    Your Mum will need time and answers. Keep giving them to her and try not to get angry. Remember that you've gotten used to being gay over 23 years. Your Mum's only had a few hours.

    She'll still love you in the morning.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 18, 2009 6:10 AM GMT
    I went through a similar situation. Apparently my mom was shocked and didn't take it very well, but there's really nothing I could do.

    Remind her that you love her the same way you always have, and she'll get over it eventually.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 18, 2009 6:11 AM GMT
    It was high drama for mine also. After a few hours I said " I'm gonna go play pool ....." (translation: get plastered) - When I got back, she tried to start up again, but instead of feeling bad about it, I was starting to get pissed off.
    I had already spent my life regretting and trying to change it and I'd had enough of this crap.
    She said "I'm not the only one upset - you father just won't talk to you about it" - "That's ok by me" I said and then I asked her :
    "Allright - you're straight right? How would you feel if the world was almost all Gay people and we expected YOU to be Gay - even though you're straight?".....
    She just stared at me and I said "Could you do it?"
    After a moment she said "No - I'm not Gay....."
    - and I said "Well I'M not straight.....and if you couldn't do it, I'm not doing it either".
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 18, 2009 6:18 AM GMT
    Coming out to the 'rents is over-rated. How many bi-sexuals feel the need? "Um...Mom, Dad, I'm married and have two kids, but I am having sex with guys on the side--hope you can understand." Unless they are constantly in your face about why your not married yet, why bother?
    On the other hand, we don't much discuss our bedroom activities amongst each other in my family.
  • MercuryMax

    Posts: 713

    Nov 18, 2009 6:24 AM GMT
    QUOTE AUTHOR GOES HEREComing out to the 'rents is over-rated. How many bi-sexuals feel the need? "Um...Mom, Dad, I'm married and have two kids, but I am having sex with guys on the side--hope you can understand." Unless they are constantly in your face about why your not married yet, why bother?




    I came out to my parents because I had the idea that one day I would meet the perfect guy and fall in love. With that said, I wanted that guy to become part of the family. I didn't want to surprise them with it whenever I found that guy....so I decided to take the brave step of coming out to them when I was 19
  • irishkcguy

    Posts: 780

    Nov 18, 2009 6:31 AM GMT
    I was a high school teacher and coach for ten years and one of the things I observed a lot with parents is the tendency to live vicariously through their own kids. You mentioned your mom saying she had certain plans for you, that she had raised you to be normal. It seems to me that your outing yourself to your mom has interfered with her plans for your life. However, I do think that in time she will be able to accept who you are.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 18, 2009 6:35 AM GMT
    BronzeChew saidMy mom asked me tonight why I've been spending so much time away from home, assuming I had a girlfriend. I told her straight out that I had a boyfriend.

    She is kind of freaking the fuck out.

    After asking me if I'm serious 100 or so times, she just kept repeating stuff like "why would you upset me like this? I raised you to be normal. Did I raise you to be gay? What did i do wrong? I had so many hopes for you." etc, etc. You get the gist of it...

    Anyway, after a while she starts asking me about my boyfriend. How old is he and what does he do. I'm not gonna be dishonest at this point so I tell her that he's a 40 year old bouncer. I'm 23. She is totally freaked and told me to leave her alone for a while. She ends up calling my brother who also didn't know and he just called me to say that I need to calm her down because I laid way too much on her at once. He took her side about my boyfriend, and is kinda freaking out himself.

    I can't really think of anything I can do to calm her down, so I probably won't. I want to say it's not my problem, but then I'd by lying to myself. What would you do?

    At least she didn't disown me, so that's good.



    All i can say is....wow and really hope everything turns out for the bettericon_neutral.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 18, 2009 6:38 AM GMT
    You should call her from "jail" one night and ask for bail money. When she freaks out again, yell "Psych!"

    Parents are so easy to mess with.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 18, 2009 6:44 AM GMT
    Maybe you should take your mama out all night icon_eek.gif ( er, ok maybe another night)
    tell her you are a full grown man and she can just be grateful you are not dressed up like a chicken icon_wink.gif .. did I say that icon_confused.gif



    This is actually a coming out song representative of your situation I think ..