He's A wonderful Guy But I'm Not Sure About Intimacy.

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    Nov 18, 2009 1:59 PM GMT
    Let's say you go on a date and you really like the guy. He's fun, smart, different, interesting and the date is a great experience. Another date is in the works.

    But he is more into you physically/sexually than you are with him. You aren't completly turned off, but yet he doesn't really spark your hormones into action.

    I guess we all know, rather quickly, if there is sexual chemistry. But what if you don't know yet?

    He's the kind of guy I would definately love to have in my life as a friend...maybe more.

    I'm reluctant.......the embarresment or hurt feelings that might happen if we give it a go but my dick doesn't agree. He may be too uncomfortable to continue as a friend.

    The other part of me says I'm overthinking or too controlling.....that his wonderfulness might extend into the bedroom..........that I should take a chance and may be wonderfully surprised.

    My question also has to do with my perception of who I "think" my type is.. It may also have something to do with my pride....or people saying (and me thinking) "He can do better than that". That may sound terrible, but its true.

    With enough dating opportunities to fill my dance card for the next few months, have I fallen into the typical trap of "there's always someone better around the corner"?

    What would you do? Give it a shot? Or take sex off the table now (no pun intended..lol) and focus on developing a good friendship?

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    Nov 18, 2009 2:23 PM GMT
    All that warm sparkly romantic feeling and no sexual attraction is an odd mixture. Sounds like you may be falling for falling for a guy, rather than actually falling for him. I would assess why you think this guy is so wonderful, but you aren't sexually attracted to him. When we enter into relationships, we enter into them with the whole person, not just their great personality and their winning smile, but also their sexuality.

    But, here is the deal. If you want a boyfriend you are going to have to fuck him. So, have sex with him and if there is no sexual chemistry, thank him for his time and be on your way. If there is chemistry, jackpot! Otherwise, you can squirm around wondering if this will work out and thus make it not work out.

    Tap that ass!
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Nov 18, 2009 2:48 PM GMT
    I say take your time to get to know him. I have had similar situations where I wasn't quite sure how I felt about the guy sexually. At some point you might actually feel yourself sexually attracted. If not after a few platonic weeks, than it might not be a match.

    I have felt this way even with a guy I had an ltr with. At first, I was just curious and we had some interesting conversations but it wasn't sparks at first sight. After a few weeks when we did start with the intimacy, we realized we were very sexually compatible.
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    Nov 18, 2009 2:58 PM GMT
    I just got out of a 2 year relationship with a guy that I felt that exact same way with. I didn't think of it as, "I could find someone better" but I did think "Maybe time will truly tell."

    Perhaps taking some time and just getting to know him more, or examining these feelings more under an intrapersonal lighting would clarify your stance on the matter at hand.

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    Nov 18, 2009 3:07 PM GMT
    Sometimes it just comes down to timing.

    There really shouldn't be a timetable for matters of the heart. If you end up being good friends and 2 years later become intimate, that works too right? or if not, then you still have a friendship.

    I'm a serial dater myself and I sometimes wonder if dating so much has made me too critical. Maybe it has but maybe that's a good thing. When it comes down to it, are you interested or not? That's what it's all about right?

    For now, I'd take sex off the table because it may muddy the waters a bit.
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    Nov 18, 2009 3:38 PM GMT
    Most guys go by immediate chemistry. If it isn't there within the first 3-5 mins they are on to the next target.

    I actually give it two dates
  • DanielQQ

    Posts: 365

    Nov 18, 2009 3:55 PM GMT
    I would definitely explore this but tell him the truth: You really enjoy his company but the exact nature of your chemistry with him is still unclear. Nothin wrong with taking it slow, see where it develops. Personally, I've had relationships where I was extremely sexually turned on yet lacked deep intimacy, and other relationshps where i felt extremely close emotionally but didn't really feel sexually excited. Obviously, both are problematic. But it's often true that the thing that's holding you back from feeling that sexual attraction isn't your dick at all, but your mind. Examine exactly what it is you feel "turns you off," and whether your reasons are rational or not. Some thing you can't get around... i mean, if you look at his face and you don't feel like he does it for you, then it's gonna be hard to change that. But if it's because he's really into you right now and you're just so-so, well that's not a good reason to push someone away imho.

    And by the way, in my experience, when i see a "hot" guy with antoehr "not so hot" guy, i don't think "oh that hot guy can do so much better," I think, "wow, that hot guy is physically attractive AND he obviously isn't shallow... he's a really keeper!!"
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    Nov 18, 2009 4:26 PM GMT

    heheh, KissingPro, that is so normal.

    Joni Mitchell said this"

    "It's got me hoping for the future,
    And worrying about the past,
    'Cause I've seen some hot hot blazes,
    Burn down to smoke and ash.."


    Put those concerns aside and take it for what it is. Have fun, be playful, and a little romantic too. Some big fires start with a slow smouldering. icon_wink.gif
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    Nov 18, 2009 5:58 PM GMT
    I have the same problem, I meet guys who I think are sexy and what not, but I don't get that *spark*.

    My gut instinct is that if it's not there on the first encounter, then it's not there. But I've heard from others (here and in life) that sometimes you have to give it a second or third try to see if it's really there.

    First dates are always tough like that though, people go into them somewhat reserved, held back, not wanting to give up too much too soon.

    Hmm...I think I need to give some guys a second chance, haha.
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    Nov 18, 2009 7:52 PM GMT
    KissingPro saidI'm reluctant.......the embarresment or hurt feelings that might happen if we give it a go but my dick doesn't agree. He may be too uncomfortable to continue as a friend.

    The other part of me says I'm overthinking or too controlling.....that his wonderfulness might extend into the bedroom..........that I should take a chance and may be wonderfully surprised.

    I would say give it a go and see where it leads but with eyes wide open. Be honest for whichever way it turns out.

    Remember though, it's a two way street. Perhaps you do give it a chance and you're ready to wet your wick, he could very well rethink his original atraction after the performance if you know what I mean.
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    Nov 18, 2009 8:06 PM GMT
    jprichva saidThis is a large part of why I'm sick of men.
    Two dates? Wow. That's really giving things a chance to develop.
    Sexual feelings can arise over time when the person you're with makes you care about him. This may not happen quickly.

    But we'll never know, will we? Because after two dates, they're gone.


    Answer: Arranged marriage!
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    Nov 18, 2009 9:14 PM GMT
    DanielQQ saidI would definitely explore this but tell him the truth: You really enjoy his company but the exact nature of your chemistry with him is still unclear. Nothin wrong with taking it slow, see where it develops. Personally, I've had relationships where I was extremely sexually turned on yet lacked deep intimacy, and other relationshps where i felt extremely close emotionally but didn't really feel sexually excited. Obviously, both are problematic. But it's often true that the thing that's holding you back from feeling that sexual attraction isn't your dick at all, but your mind. Examine exactly what it is you feel "turns you off," and whether your reasons are rational or not. Some thing you can't get around... i mean, if you look at his face and you don't feel like he does it for you, then it's gonna be hard to change that. But if it's because he's really into you right now and you're just so-so, well that's not a good reason to push someone away imho.

    And by the way, in my experience, when i see a "hot" guy with antoehr "not so hot" guy, i don't think "oh that hot guy can do so much better," I think, "wow, that hot guy is physically attractive AND he obviously isn't shallow... he's a really keeper!!"


    And I am thinking WOW baby only 34 and you have come a long way icon_cool.gificon_cool.gif

    Heeeyyyy nicely said and I mean it. For any guy to realize your dick is between your ears is of monumental proportions.

    You find another that thinks......the way you do. You two will be keepers for a life time.
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    Nov 18, 2009 9:39 PM GMT
    KissingPro saidLet's say you go on a date and you really like the guy. He's fun, smart, different, interesting and the date is a great experience. Another date is in the works.

    But he is more into you physically/sexually than you are with him. You aren't completly turned off, but yet he doesn't really spark your hormones into action.

    I guess we all know, rather quickly, if there is sexual chemistry. But what if you don't know yet?

    He's the kind of guy I would definately love to have in my life as a friend...maybe more.

    I'm reluctant.......the embarresment or hurt feelings that might happen if we give it a go but my dick doesn't agree. He may be too uncomfortable to continue as a friend.

    The other part of me says I'm overthinking or too controlling.....that his wonderfulness might extend into the bedroom..........that I should take a chance and may be wonderfully surprised.

    My question also has to do with my perception of who I "think" my type is.. It may also have something to do with my pride....or people saying (and me thinking) "He can do better than that". That may sound terrible, but its true.

    With enough dating opportunities to fill my dance card for the next few months, have I fallen into the typical trap of "there's always someone better around the corner"?

    What would you do? Give it a shot? Or take sex off the table now (no pun intended..lol) and focus on developing a good friendship?



    You won't know until you try.
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    Nov 18, 2009 9:42 PM GMT
    Every relationship takes work. It won't just fall into your lap. And it takes work and committment to make a relationship work and last.
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    Nov 18, 2009 11:03 PM GMT
    G_Force saidEvery relationship takes work. It won't just fall into your lap. And it takes work and committment to make a relationship work and last.


    Yeeessss truuuue but. let me add

    It takes two to Tango and two to build so if it needs renovating with time you both can.......then you will have something that might last.

    The might part??? If you or him are running on Intel CPU using Microsoft software one or both of you are screwed with out a kiss!

    Meaning you may get a few to double digit years but hope to (OMG) you don't hit a difficult processing problem. Easy tasks you're fine but difficult tasks and then the bomb goes off throwing you into an endless loop to which few get out.

    There is no way of knowing about yourself unless you were burned in at a very young age. NO way in hell to know about him, toss a coin and take your chances.

    But if you are like DanielQQ you scrapped the microsoft and updated to non defective software. It seems a majority of guys haven't shopped where DanielQQ did.
  • MercuryMax

    Posts: 713

    Nov 18, 2009 11:24 PM GMT
    I've never developed sexual attraction over time. It only tends to decrease with time, I've noticed.

    However, I've been through this. I met a great guy that I had a lot of interest in as a person. We went out several times, talked on the phone a lot, and we seemed to click. I thought he was a good looking guy, but at the same time, he didn't turn me on.

    I kept pushing myself to keep giving him a chance and maybe I would come around to being sexually attracted to him. Well, one night we hung out together, we started to flirt and things lead from one thing to the next. All of a sudden, clothes were off and I still wasn't that into it. So I stopped it. I told him we need to slow down and not get all crazy. I realized that I did like him....but the qualities I liked him for were the qualities of a friend, not a romance or lover.

    So what I'm sayin is, just because youre in the market for a bf and find a gay person you click with, that doesn't mean you click with that person in that perspective. Some people can only be friends....everyone isn't meant for everyone. You click with someone mentally, they should be your friend. You click with someone sexually, they should be your one night stand. You click with someone on both levels, that should be your romance.
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    Nov 19, 2009 12:09 AM GMT
    KissingProI'm reluctant.......the embarresment or hurt feelings that might happen if we give it a go but my dick doesn't agree. He may be too uncomfortable to continue as a friend.

    The other part of me says I'm overthinking or too controlling.....that his wonderfulness might extend into the bedroom..........that I should take a chance and may be wonderfully surprised.

    My question also has to do with my perception of who I "think" my type is.. It may also have something to do with my pride....or people saying (and me thinking) "He can do better than that". That may sound terrible, but its true.

    With enough dating opportunities to fill my dance card for the next few months, have I fallen into the typical trap of "there's always someone better around the corner"?

    What would you do? Give it a shot? Or take sex off the table now (no pun intended..lol) and focus on developing a good friendship?


    I think that where a lot of us get into trouble in finding relationships is when our egos take priority over the connection we have with the person. I think in order to have a successful, healthy relationship, connecting as friends is very important. Otherwise you get someone who views you as an object and doesn't really respect you. Then you have a mess on your hands. So I think you need to ask yourself whether it's "you" who's not attracted to him or your image or ego who's not attracted.

    Either way, are you in a rush to figure this out right now? Is there some dotted line or time crunch we're not aware of? If not then just relax and enjoy the guy's company and let things materialize from there.

    As for what other people think, your friends should want you to be happy. If they're just social acquaintances, their opinions mean nothing. You have to pick your battles, and listen to the opinions of those who have your best interest at heart. And not everyone does...that's true for anyone. Some people can't stand seeing others who are happy and they have to find something to use as ammo to bring you down a notch. Not their place.
  • Hunter9

    Posts: 1039

    Nov 19, 2009 12:39 AM GMT
    jprichva saidThis is a large part of why I'm sick of men.
    Two dates? Wow. That's really giving things a chance to develop.
    Sexual feelings can arise over time when the person you're with makes you care about him. This may not happen quickly.

    But we'll never know, will we? Because after two dates, they're gone.



    in your opinion, who is worth having a second date with? anybody?

    a guy has to really get my attention to get a second date. trust me, my standards aren't that high to get my attention... that's why im sick of men (well, people), they're all self-centered, dumb and boring... sorry, sad but true.
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    Nov 19, 2009 1:08 AM GMT
    [quote][cite]MercuryMax said[/cite]I've never developed sexual attraction over time. It only tends to decrease with time, I've noticed.

    You brought up an interesting subject for me that I am going to toss some thoughts out.

    I work exactly the opposite of you, my sexual attraction, passion, capability and frequency increases with time as does intimacy with the person I am involved with. I used to work the way you describe in my late teens and early 20s but changed.

    If instant matrimony doesn't have any longevity for you then why continue to go down that road?

    There is a saying my str8 friends say when they see a really hot babe that I find it applicable to our world.

    " No matter how good looking he is or how well build he is someone is tired of fucking him or being fucked by him"

    I find those that believe this are also tired of fucking themselves.

    So the question is what do you attach your sexual feelings to????

    Is the fantasy of the catch the turn on and the reality of the person and what you can do as time goes on the turn off??

    If men get their permit to their penis between 12 and 16 and never move on to understand they can do so much more then the outcome is what you said. Leaving you with what???

    I find this a very fascinating subject considering I didn't expect to run into it after being coupled for 20 yrs especially at this age.WTF.....................icon_eek.gif
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    Nov 20, 2009 12:40 AM GMT
    KissingPro said
    What would you do? Give it a shot? Or take sex off the table now (no pun intended..lol) and focus on developing a good friendship?

    Start by making out. If that goes well progress to sex. I find that true excitement for a guy comes when the sex is great and great sex has more to do with how compatible you are in bed than the initial spark. Only if the sex feels awkward, uncomfortable and generally 'lacking' then I'd go towards 'friend' not boyfriend.
  • jrs1

    Posts: 4388

    Nov 20, 2009 12:56 AM GMT

    Yeah ... you are thinking too much. If it works out, it does. If it does not, then so be it. Be satiated that you're, at least, getting the butterflies.
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    Nov 20, 2009 5:13 PM GMT
    theantijock saidWhat happens if after a few dates it turns out that you like sex with him but he decides otherwise about you? Quick, dump him first while you still have all those other guys lined up.
    That sounds like no fun.

    icon_question.gif


    ...


    icon_idea.gif

    OR you could do him with the complete knowledge that situations which suck could happen. o.oo
  • TIGHTANDHOTTT

    Posts: 2

    Nov 22, 2009 9:16 AM GMT
    Hi WOW i been in those shoes and i wasnt attracted to him in that way and thought okay we'll be friends but as time passed i came to know him as a person his likes and dislikes and everything in between then it happend and it was'nt grrrrrrreat sex the first time but i was into him now but it got greater much sooner than later bottom line we stayed together four 14 years

    So dont throw away MR. RIGHT FOR MR. RIGHT NOW. but as all things in life its all up to you....Hope this helps... bye
  • jrs1

    Posts: 4388

    Nov 25, 2009 3:15 AM GMT

    ... that guy you want to be next to
    that guy you want to touch

    the one that is veiled behind a smokestack
    the one that has the look of desire in his eyes but is afraid to express it

    smoky, distant, sensuous, and elusive:



  • MercuryMax

    Posts: 713

    Nov 25, 2009 3:32 AM GMT
    Roccoe said[quote][cite]MercuryMax said[/cite]I've never developed sexual attraction over time. It only tends to decrease with time, I've noticed.

    You brought up an interesting subject for me that I am going to toss some thoughts out.

    I work exactly the opposite of you, my sexual attraction, passion, capability and frequency increases with time as does intimacy with the person I am involved with. I used to work the way you describe in my late teens and early 20s but changed.

    If instant matrimony doesn't have any longevity for you then why continue to go down that road?

    There is a saying my str8 friends say when they see a really hot babe that I find it applicable to our world.

    " No matter how good looking he is or how well build he is someone is tired of fucking him or being fucked by him"

    I find those that believe this are also tired of fucking themselves.

    So the question is what do you attach your sexual feelings to????

    Is the fantasy of the catch the turn on and the reality of the person and what you can do as time goes on the turn off??

    If men get their permit to their penis between 12 and 16 and never move on to understand they can do so much more then the outcome is what you said. Leaving you with what???

    I find this a very fascinating subject considering I didn't expect to run into it after being coupled for 20 yrs especially at this age.WTF.....................icon_eek.gif


    Honestly, I dont think its the challenge of the catch or anything like that, I basically just know what I'm attracted to and what I'm not. It does vary and I like a good overall package in a guy. I've been turned off by guys who had gorgeous bodies, because they were arrogant. It really just depends on a case by case basis. Sometimes I do think that I tend to compare them to my first boyfriend, who I fell madly in love with. In my eyes, he was perfect, even with his downfalls or imperfections. Now when I said, "...tends to decrease with time, I've noticed." It wasn't their looks that I decreased my attraction for, but their personality...and I said before, I think I tend to subconsciously compare them to my first bf. And when they start to measure up differently I think thats when I start to find things I dont like about them...like this one guy I met, he only seemed to come over to use my Xbox Live so he could play his dumb video game. The sad thing is, I love video games.....but when dinner was made for him, he wouldn't stop playing, when he first woke up he would go directly to the playing vid games, he even told me he loved me....and I wondered if he was telling me that or seeing me as Xbox Live. So I totally lost interest in him, he was a nice guy, just made me feel used. One time he called and told me he wanted to hang out with me, and I told him I was gonna be making some repairs on my car. He said ok, and so I went to go pick him up. Then he started playing video games, I was outside fixing my car for 2 hours, and he just kept playing his damn game. I wanted company too, ya know.