Friends? In their shoes? THOSE WHO RESENT YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE, WISH YOU OVERWEIGHT.....

  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Nov 19, 2009 2:28 PM GMT
    Sounds ridiculous, but is it?

    Over the weekend, I was at a social gathering and several of us were talking about the gym options in Wichita. We were each giving our input as one
    who was a part of the discussion is making a real attempt to lose weight and go to the gym for the first time. We were all curious about his views.

    Oddly, at the end of the conversation, he said to me, "if you were fat, you'd have a different view", ... you are so used to having it your way, I wonder if you could handle it if you were average or had to really work to improve yourself".

    I was kind of taken aback by the comment. It had been a good, friendly conversation. My comment back was, "I don't want to be average, I want to be the best I can and that means work and effort beyond what most do".

    It sort of "creeped me out" to a point. He probably didn't wish anything negative, it was just a comment of the moment.. but it does bring up a point...

    Do you know or have had anyone who has wished you NOT to be successful with your fitness efforts or self improvement? Why?
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    Nov 19, 2009 4:58 PM GMT
    I had the same experience recently in a group of family and friends. I'm 59 and work at my body, mind and community daily. My brother's friend said to me that 'You had it easy, you were born on third base and thought you hit a home run.', then laughed. I really was upset but didn't say anything as I was shocked more than anything. I was the only male in the room other than my lover who had a waist less than 40 inches and had seen the inside of a gym in last year.
    I think there is a disconnect between 'in shape' and 'out of shape' men, much like rich/poor, old/young, etc. By the way, I lived in Kansas for 30 years (Overland Park) and now loving it in FL.

    http://picasaweb.google.com/NateKlarfeld/NateSNotesAConnectedLife?authkey=Gv1sRgCIWA8bKEqeuX3wE#5287539659104276834
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    Nov 19, 2009 5:00 PM GMT
    Chris... it's cause I gather that you like every other Chris I know is the Alpha. The Betas just don't get it LMAO! icon_razz.gif I can say I try to be the best but unless its something I am really digging I can't say I go all out.. something that I am working on myself so that I can be the best too. Maybe thats what he was saying but yeah... quite a mouthful. Nothing good ever came easy. I think he just wants the easy way figures you've always had that build. A friend of mine has been a real motivator. He looked a lot like me but damn boy has gone from fat to fine! I mean I liked him a lot back in the day anyway but now just... Wow... ironically his name is Chris too... ha. Have a great day.
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    Nov 19, 2009 5:10 PM GMT
    yep. I had someone that I knew on a social level say...no joke. You are very annoying you alsways act so happy and you are always laughing and smiling.

    Just like you Chris I was a little stunned and responding by saying.

    "Honey I'm sorry not everyone can be a pathetic mess like you". I went on to say "Look Cybil pick a personality and run with it"!icon_evil.gif

    The things that come out of people's mouthes gives me whip-lash!
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    Nov 19, 2009 5:12 PM GMT
    HndsmKansan, it sounds to me like this guy is just dealing with alot of negativity, probably wishes he could move on from it, but is stuck. When your in that kind of mode you can at times be bothered by people who are positive and are doing things with there lives. Misery loves company that kind of thing. He should have kept his negativity to himself but well you seem like a good natured guy and he needed to vent on someone. I remember a saying on a coffee mug like eons ago, fitting for this time of year: "Don't let the Turkeys get you down".
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    Nov 19, 2009 5:19 PM GMT
    Ducky46 said

    "Honey I'm sorry not everyone can be a pathetic mess like you". I went on to say "Look Cybil pick a personality and run with it"!icon_evil.gif



    LMAO! That just made my day. I wonder if thats gonna get topped later tonight at the mixer.
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    Nov 19, 2009 5:21 PM GMT
    HndsmKansan saidSounds ridiculous, but is it?

    Over the weekend, I was at a social gathering and several of us were talking about the gym options in Wichita. We were each giving our input as one
    who was a part of the discussion is making a real attempt to lose weight and go to the gym for the first time. We were all curious about his views.

    Oddly, at the end of the conversation, he said to me, "if you were fat, you'd have a different view", ... you are so used to having it your way, I wonder if you could handle it if you were average or had to really work to improve yourself".

    I was kind of taken aback by the comment. It had been a good, friendly conversation. My comment back was, "I don't want to be average, I want to be the best I can and that means work and effort beyond what most do".

    It sort of "creeped me out" to a point. He probably didn't wish anything negative, it was just a comment of the moment.. but it does bring up a point...

    Do you know or have had anyone who has wished you NOT to be successful with your fitness efforts or self improvement? Why?


    Fat asses, skinny asses, whoever the folks are, often resent folks who set a goal, attain it, and retain it. They resent the patience, focus, discipline, resourcefulness, planning, and confidence, of folks like you, and want you to make them lower the standard by being like them.

    A famous quote from Spock: In an insane society, a sane man must appear as insane, in order to be regarded as sane.

    Conformance is an interesting thing. It's probably most notable in false belief systems (cults, religion, witchcraft, etc) and in gangs.

    There's always some pressure to lower the standard for the lazy folks, pessimistic folks, etc. It's the down side of being a leader / self-motivated.

    Folks love to plead the victim, when often they aren't. Such is the way of our culture.

    Many folks like us deal with this throughout our lives. Folks don't like the way we look, communicate, work, or how some things come easy to us. Nothing much you can do except turn the other way.
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Nov 19, 2009 5:21 PM GMT
    Dude, it honestly does seem that many of the people I know want to take me down a peg or two. I have a couple of friends(?) that constantly put me down or make fun of me....they are running out of things to make fun of.

    The last time it was about my height. I'm over 5'9, and honestly no one has ever had a problem with my height before. But they have been making fun of my height for 6 months. And out of the three guys doing this, 2 are actually shorter than me. If I'm wearing sandals I only appear shorter. I had to get measured at the gym in front of one of the guys just to prove my height....but do you think that stopped them? I finally said on my facebook profile that I am through with anyone making fun of my height, and I will in return make fun of how old and senile they are because they keep forgetting I was measured in front of them and I am over 5'9. They were basically saying I was lying on my profiles online.

    I purposely don't make fun of my friends, because they are my friends and I wish them the best in whatever they do.

    It is just starting to get really weird, all this animosity and jealousy from even friends. I rarely get jealous of anyone, and if I am jealous it usually is with a healthy dose of admiration. I'm the type of guy that will come out and say "I am totally jealous! How do you do it?" etc. It is hard to believe it is jealousy because right now I don't have a lot going on in my life, but a third party who knows one of the guys better than I do told me he is "insanely jealous".
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    Nov 19, 2009 5:25 PM GMT
    Ducky46 said"Honey I'm sorry not everyone can be a pathetic mess like you".


    WIN!


    And Celtic.. you just need hotter friends who don´t feel so intimidated by how sexy you are.
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Nov 19, 2009 5:37 PM GMT
    Lostboy said
    Ducky46 said"Honey I'm sorry not everyone can be a pathetic mess like you".


    WIN!


    And Celtic.. you just need hotter friends who don´t feel so intimidated by how sexy you are.


    Thanks studbert. I should check, is it proper etiquette to use the term studbert on RJ? icon_wink.gif
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    Nov 19, 2009 6:55 PM GMT
    Celticmusl saidThanks studbert. I should check, is it proper etiquette to use the term studbert on RJ? icon_wink.gif


    I am not sure. But I took the intent icon_rolleyes.gif
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    Nov 19, 2009 8:21 PM GMT
    Resentment is a powerfully negative emotion. It causes people to be so nasty.
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    Nov 19, 2009 8:39 PM GMT

    "Resentment is a powerfully negative emotion. It causes people to be so nasty. "

    No.
    Kidding.

    In our experience, we find some guys just hate happy. Hate polite associated with that happy, hate warmth associated with that happy, and hate a mild approach (associated with that happy) to problems.
    Hate expressions of romance (though overt sexuality is just peachy) associated with that happy etc etc etc.

    Example - we piss off many singles with our happy. Ironically, many of them go on to wonder where the all gay LTRs are, and then state in a knowing way that they are rare rare rare and that it is really quite impossible for gay men to have LTRs. This was one of the reasons we'd abandoned gay Vancouver. We were screamed at that we were lying to each other and everyone else 19 years ago, and that monogamy was/is a fantasy blah blah blah.

    OK done venting.


    -farting Unicorns (now you know why we call ourselves that - we were labeled as such when we first got here)



  • josephmovie

    Posts: 533

    Nov 19, 2009 8:54 PM GMT
    I have a couple of friends who say things like "But you kill yourself/live at the gym". I also strongly belive in being honest about what you are doing in terms of fitness and diet, and I get shit about that as well.

    If people want to know why my physique is looking a certain way I tell them. I really hate it when people say something like "Oh nothing" or "I just walk a bit more". For some people they love to make it all look effortless. I say what I am doing and why - and then I get the negative comments. Sigh!
  • DuggerPDX

    Posts: 386

    Nov 19, 2009 8:58 PM GMT
    Interesting thread. I wasn't going to respond because I thought it didn't really apply to me. Until I read ThelStrat's comment:

    "Resentment is a powerfully negative emotion. It causes people to be so nasty. "

    Then it hit home. I have been hard at work the last couple years remaking myself, lost a bunch of weight, become a gym rat, replaced most of my bad eating habits with healthy habits. Like most people with normal self-esteem I'm proud of what I have done and I like to talk about it with friends. I can definitely tell when I'm talking with someone who has failed at keeping themselves healthy and fit by the tone of the conversation, resentment, sarcasm, and joking bubbles to the surface. In the end I guess they really aren't friends and it's time to move on.

  • Matia79

    Posts: 215

    Nov 19, 2009 9:02 PM GMT
    I was just thinking about this the other day!!! There is this young gentleman who is, like me, in the entertainment industry here in Toronto. He is a young man but who, for lack of a better phrase, can't seem to get ahead. The age difference is about 7 years (he's my junior), he's slightly overweight and has a slight acne problem. But he's young, energetic and most definitely ambitious.

    I just finished doing a solo cabaret performance here in town last weekend and after the show as I mingled with the audience to thank them for coming he approached me and said, "Everything's always so perfect for you. It always goes your way, doesn't it?" It clearly wasn't a compliment but I was gracious and thanked him for coming anyway. A friend of mine, also in the business (and who's quite prolific in the scene) heard his comment and asked if I was going to let him get away with it. I told her that I just couldn't be bothered with it and he was clearly suffering enough...I wasn't going to waste my energy on that level of negativity.

    This individual later had a conversation with my best friend (of all people) and explained how he felt it wasn't fair that he should have to work so hard for an ounce of success while I got everything I wanted handed to me... success, looks, talent and contacts. My buddy called me over and told me, in front of this young man, what was said. I turned to him and very easily said, "Instead of spending all your energy comparing your failures with my successes, you might spend your time putting in the work and effort to EARN it like I did. We're all fighting the good fight. I hope you enjoyed the show and have a great night."
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    Nov 19, 2009 9:06 PM GMT
    Being one of the guys who once was a lazy fat ass, but decided to turn it around, I can see both sides of this discussion.

    Indeed, it is hard work to get yourself motivated to make big changes when you are used to sitting around drinking beer all day. There is a switch that needs to flip inside the brain and heart, otherwise the willpower simply isn't there.

    People who are way out of shape, never exercised in their lives, find it to be an insurmountable hill to climb to get out of their mess. They don't like themselves, and so they lash out with envy and resentment on those who it seems to come easy to.

    I admit, I deeply envy people who have been athletic and active their whole lives, because it does come natural to them, thus they do not have a "bad habit" of laziness that they are constantly battling just to stay in shape, much less move on to the next level. It is hard to teach an old dog new tricks. It is hard to change a lifetime of poor lifestyle choices as if it never happened- the damage is already done.

    Just like someone else pointed out, there are Alphas and there are Betas. No matter how hard a Beta tries, he will never reach that level of confidence and ease or charisma that an Alpha has. It will always be a struggle, and he will always feel some resentment. But a Beta can adjust, improve, and feel comfortable about himself if he accepts that fact, knows his place, and learns to use the Alpha as healthy inspiration instead of fuel for resentment.

    I personally have never tried to take someone down because I envied them, instead it motivates me to try harder. But others have done it to me, and it is a big energy sucker. At least by understanding, I can have compassion and try to help or move on.
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19129

    Nov 19, 2009 9:11 PM GMT
    HndsmKansan said
    Do you know or have had anyone who has wished you NOT to be successful with your fitness efforts or self improvement? Why?


    There's that old saying that "You know who your true friends are when the chips are down", and that may be true. But I also think that your "true" friends become apparent when the chips are up. There are those who you can tell are genuinely happy and thrilled for your success, then there are those who you just get a sense that they are jealous or resentful of your success...which is equally disappointing and hurtful.
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    Nov 19, 2009 9:22 PM GMT
    I've been amazed at when people will say to me, "It comes to you so easily." no matter what the task is. As if it required no effort. As if I spent no time learning and working at something. Nothing has ever come naturally or easily for me. I've worked my butt off just to reach 'mediocre' so I'm not stopping now.

    I go a similar comment from an overweight woman I knew. "Well, it's easy for you to just eat healthy and stay thin."
    To which I replied,
    "No. To me, it's easy to sit on my ass at home watching TV and eating Oreo's by the pack because I can do that and I had. That requires no effort at all. I, however, chose to stop eating so much crap and get up 4 mornings at 5AM every week and workout for two hours, no matter how I felt, until I lost 50 pounds. Maybe that's easy to you, but it's not easy to me."

    I've got a pet peeve about people dismissing my effort to justify their lack of it. In fact, I prefer to hang out with people who achieve more than I so that I can be inspired further. I always prefer to be the lowest achiever in a group (intellectually, physically, etc) since I can learn and improve so much. (As long as they don't find out too soon that I'm so unaccomplished.)
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    Nov 19, 2009 9:28 PM GMT
    What is most sad is not that he wished you to fail (which is hideous, don't get me wrong) but that he feels so powerless over his own situation.
    Most overweight people don't REALLY understand how much hard work goes into being healthy, fit and staying active.
    I was 50 lbs heavier (I'm 5'....7" .... with heeled boots... and curb) "two tons of fun and a party to go!"
    I love when people assume I've always been this way and "I just don't understand".
    Basically, It's easier for others to be defeated by someone else's success than to admit that the only one that defeated them was him/herself. I train people who use this excuse *all the time*.. it saddens me.
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    Nov 19, 2009 10:20 PM GMT
    You should have said to him........Jealousy and envy is ugly.....and so are YOU wearing anything backless".
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    Nov 19, 2009 10:33 PM GMT
    Obese man dies after 8 months in recliner
    http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2009-11-19-obese-man-recliner_N.htm?csp=34
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    Nov 19, 2009 11:09 PM GMT
    I’ve actually had people accuse me of being on crack or some other illicit drug, not understanding how I can have so much energy and keep up with everything going on in my life.


    Classic sublimation...I work out so I don’t kill you.

    It’s that easy.
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    Nov 19, 2009 11:11 PM GMT
    dustin_K_tx saidI’ve actually had people accuse me of being on crack or some other illicit drug, not understanding how I can have so much energy and keep up with everything going on in my life.


    Classic sublimation...I work out so I don’t kill you.

    It’s that easy.


    LOL!! My favorite yet!
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Nov 19, 2009 11:37 PM GMT
    I get this type of thing all the time and it really pisses me off
    because it negates any concerns or problems you might have

    I've had two really good relationships in my past
    but i've been trying like hell to find someone worthwhile and
    if I complain to some of my friends they say things like .....
    Yeah SURE you have a hard time finding men?

    Hello.....

    Do you see me with a guy right now ?

    And I am by no means a guy with a great body
    but if I complain about a workout I get looks icon_confused.gif