How do you find that "special" someone?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 09, 2007 4:11 AM GMT
    Now to a lot of you this may seem like a stupid question.. but i want to know how does one go about finding that one guy in his life that beats out all others?

    Let me qualify this question with a bit of personal experience. I find it insanely hard even finding people to date, let alone start a fulfilling relationship. I'm a guy who's attracted to masculine guys, and not into the scene or anything that really goes along with it. Therefore, i feel my only option is to look around online. I have had many really great conversations with guys, most of which are 1200 miles away, so actual dates are pretty much out of the question.

    Now i am not complaining, as i am sure one day i will find someone, but if any of you out there have some advice on how to start the search, i would love to hear from ya.
  • OptimusMatt

    Posts: 1124

    May 09, 2007 5:15 AM GMT
    Hahaha, as IF you asked this question.

    It's akin to "What is the meaning of life?" or "Does God exist?"

    I'd be delighted to hear some strategy though. Personally, I desperately desire a deep relationship with someone but have yet to find someone I've really hit it off with.

    I know how you feel though. It sucks when you meet someone online and all your conversations are amazing, or just easy....and they live (like you said) 1200 miles away.

    Personally, I've become a lot more social - which is a pretty big feat because until I know you I'm pretty f*ckin shy. Eg. Instead of studying in a quiet study room at school, I do it in the student life centre - a bit harder to get a seat near a power outlet, but worth it when my friends come and go (I have large gaps between my classes, lol). I go to a lot of events on my own, knowing (quite literally) 1 person, and most of the time I don't really know anyone, lol.

    I'm a student, so I've got a bit of a bigger network to go through than someone who isn't/is finished, but all I can suggest is just keep trying - go to events your invited to, even if you don't have a 'wingman' - it's incredibly hard to bring yourself to do, but I've met a lot of really cool people that way, and while I haven't met that guy yet...I've made a lot of friends.

    And the more people you meet, the more people you meet. If that makes any sense.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 09, 2007 5:24 AM GMT
    It makes total sense. Step out of your element, get involved in things bigger than yourself. Volunteer your time, learn something new by taking a class, get involved in your community. You never know who you'll meet, anywhere.

    It's serendipity, essentially... but it helps if you're receptive to it and willing to create an environment where it can thrive.
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    May 09, 2007 5:28 AM GMT
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    May 09, 2007 6:00 AM GMT
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    May 09, 2007 6:34 AM GMT
    I am new to NYC and literally came here knowing 1 person. I come from TN where I grew up in the same house my whole life and only knew a small gay community who just fit every gay stereotype there was.
    The gay community was a hell of a lot smaller than the one here and that made it easier to meet but it ends up being "if you had sex w/ one, you basically had sex w/ them all".
    I have been here for 6 months and am finding it difficult in a city of 8 million to meet guys. Honestly, a hook-up wouldn't be hard but I am interested in finding guys that I connect with. I am in the same boat. Hence, my joining this site-I enjoy fitness now and feel it is a place where I can at least make acquaintances .
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    May 09, 2007 7:19 AM GMT
    If it helps any, I actually found my mate here about a year ago.
    He was everything he said he was ... and a whole lot more so ...
    We have been travelling the world together.

    Thanks RJ !
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    May 09, 2007 12:08 PM GMT
    I have one suggestion, try to open yourself to possibilities you've not tried before.

    That doesn't mean jump into some fetish. That simply means to expand your options. Not everyone at a tea party is a timid mouse. Not everyone at a bar is a smoker and lush. Not everyone in an office supplies store is a geek.

    You can take a wild chance on random guys and see what comes of it.

    But as the adage goes, if you never take a chance, you'll never find out. Maybe the person you met wasn't right for you, but maybe he will introduce you to the guy that is.

    Regardless, making new friends is fun :)

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 09, 2007 12:20 PM GMT
    I think it's about being receptive to possibilities, yet not actually trying! I met my first boyfriend through friends (& no, they weren't trying to set me up), & my current boyfriend in a sauna - I thought afterwards "yeah right, I'm REALLY gonna hear from him again" - but we have been together a year & a half now, & are very much in love.

    I've never met anyone worth getting to know when I was actively looking. Since you're a sporty guy, how about getting involved in gay-friendly sports/outdoor activity groups? I feel so blessed to have met my bf, with whom I share so many similar interests & views. We both still marvel that we met in a place which is not normally conducive to long term relationships....
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 09, 2007 12:53 PM GMT
    When the student is ready, the teacher will appear!
  • cityguy39

    Posts: 967

    May 09, 2007 1:20 PM GMT
    I have to agree with firefighterblu, step outside of your norm and try guys you wouldn't ordinarly think of dating. It's true most times that when you set out to look for something nine times out of ten you won't find it. Enjoy being single, the right guy will come along and you will meet eachother when you are supposed to.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 09, 2007 1:36 PM GMT
    there are a lot of cliche sayings about the right guy finding you.


    options are like windows in a shopping mall. if they're all closed, nobody is going to come in.

    did you ever try eating a new candy? you never knew if you liked it or not until you did.

    on and on the cliches roll. the point is, try to be open to new ideas, suggestions, new perspectives. you may fall madly in love with someone you never ever thought was your type before now.
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    May 09, 2007 1:38 PM GMT
    I really believe in the fact that we attract that which we are. In other words if we are desperate to find someone and feel insecure we will get someone that is searching and insecure. Which isn't all that bad but we will both be looking for that "other half" to complete us.

    I think we all have to work on ourselves daily to feel better about ourselves and to work towards healing any insecurities we have manifested thru out our lifetime. It takes some work but the more we feel whole within ourselves the more chance we will attract a more healthier more rounded person.

    I obviously have gone thru the exact same feelings of looking and hoping to find that perfect person. I don't know if that is of any help but it has worked for me. My partner and I have been together for over 13 years. Its been beautiful and wonderful and we have had our ups and downs but that is life. We met at a friends Academy Awards party.
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    May 09, 2007 1:55 PM GMT
    stop looking. the best things come when you least expect them. be happy single and with yourself and people will notice. Last you can't "find" them I am told it just happens, and the internet I have found is not a good way though it works for some. the best people I have ever dated I always met through friends at random parties
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    May 09, 2007 4:32 PM GMT
    There is some good advice here. I especially agree with CityGuy39 and Chungo44.

    I met my partner at a mutual straight friend's going away partying. I wasn't looking for anyone and I was enjoying being single. We are very different in many ways but we both really connected with one another. After almost 16 years together, I still melt when I see him.

    There's not one answer for everyone so what worked for me may not work for you. All I can say was I was not looking for a relationship, I was enjoying being single but after meeeting him, I left myself open to the possibilities.

    Be yourself, surround yourself with people and activities that make you feel good and leave yourself open to new experiences. Good luck.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 09, 2007 7:57 PM GMT

    When was the last time you (directly) asked a man to let you take him on a date?

    I think it helps to be direct/contrite when you come across someone 'interesting.' And we all know that practice makes perfect.

    Good luck practicing!

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 09, 2007 9:23 PM GMT
    to piggyback off chung, be fine and happy with yourself first. people see that and they become attracted to that.

    best bet is to let your friends/coworkers also know. they probably know you the best and will be sure the dude is legit before they try to pair you guys up.

    also get out of your comfort zone and hit the bars (even though you hate it) and talk to people. you'll be surprised to meet other guys who happen to be out that night and don't enjoy the gay scene as much either.
  • mcwclewis

    Posts: 1701

    May 09, 2007 9:42 PM GMT
    I agree that you should expand your options.

    I find most of the guys at the gay bars to be obnoxious, and even the ones that aren't obnoxious are only looking for hookups typically, which would be just fine if thats what I was looking for, but it's not.

    I find it hard to believe that someone will just randomly find me, without me putting forth any effort... but you'll meet people in the weirdest places sometimes. Just keep hope, Im sure you'll find someone.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 09, 2007 10:17 PM GMT
    I met my partner of 14 years after 9 months of a one-year commitment to abstain from sex. Try that. Give up sex. All sorts of men will start to look attractive. :)
  • duglyduckling

    Posts: 279

    May 09, 2007 10:43 PM GMT
    often times, it's best not to look... then all of a sudden, your dream guy will appear.

    trying too hard generally will lead to failure and frustrations I find...
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    May 10, 2007 4:17 AM GMT
    You have to be out there in the world...
    making yourself somewhat available
    talking with guys 1200 miles away isn't doing that
    get out doing things you like
    join some sport clubs
    runners groups
    hiking clubs
    volunteer your time
    if you're political join a political action grp
    cooking/gardening classes
    ...whatever you like that gets you involved with people
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 10, 2007 4:54 AM GMT
    YOU are the only right guy to worry about you finding in the end.

    the rest are just candy. some are even worth licking til you get to the center.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 10, 2007 6:39 AM GMT
    hotvers guy, you got it !
    Well put.
  • TallGWMvballe...

    Posts: 1925

    May 10, 2007 6:46 AM GMT
    There has been some good advice here along with frivolous fun.

    My experience has taught me what several have suggested; try joining gay sports, social or volunteer groups.
    Often that will open you to a new realm of guys with whom you have something in common and without the pressure of a bar or internet dates.
    In the Gay Volleyball Club I have seen many wonderful pairings happen including one of my own when I least suspected.
    When you are trying so hard to find love, it will often allude you but sometimes when you are NOT trying.... love will find YOU!

    --- Ron
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 10, 2007 4:32 PM GMT
    Well let me tell you thats what dating is, you go out and see if there is a connection. If you dont even meet people for coffee or a bite to eat how will you know. There are great guys out there and we will all find that special someone if we are open to the possibility of it.

    In order to love someone else you must first learn to love yourself. Being able to love yourself gives you confidence which a lot of people are attracted to. It also makes you happier which again is a good trait.

    That special someone is out there and all you have to do is beleive that they are out there and that you will find them. THe laws of attraction...thank you bob proctor.