For Black Guys with White Boyfriends/Partners...

  • bigguysf

    Posts: 329

    Nov 22, 2009 12:45 AM GMT
    I'm posting this because I don't want to lump all guys together and would love to hear some potential reasons from guys in this situation. I was at the gym today and saw another black guy with his white boyfriend. Since I'm from the Midwest it's my habit to try and make eye contact with other black guys for that acknowledgment many blacks give each to one another.

    This guy gave me nothing and it felt like it was because I was a potential threat -- as his white boyfriend came into view. Now honestly I could give a shit about his bf. I don't fuck around with guys in relationships and have no interest in trying to create and Oreo or anything like that. Relationships should always be respected in my view. But this tends to happen alot here in SF anyway. I'll pass by black-white couples on the street and have the white guy look at me in a friendly way and the black guy givin' attitude from the start.

    It's kind of maddening sometimes because of the presumption that there relationship isn't safe with someone like me around as a threat. Am I wrong? I hope so. It would be pretty sad if other black guys were that insecure and shallow so as to want to alienate one of their own.

    Any black guys with white boyfriends wanna shed some light on this? icon_confused.gif
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    Nov 22, 2009 12:49 AM GMT
    look here... if you weren't so goddamned sexy you wouldn't have this problem, now would you? ;)
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    Nov 22, 2009 12:58 AM GMT
    Bigguysf, you wouldn't have to worry about me doing that. I would be turning around getting a good look at your ass.icon_biggrin.gif

    But yeah, that happens A LOT. I went to a bar a couple of months ago, and the white guy beside me struck up a conversation. I replied nicely. A black guy came back from the bathroom, and gave me the evil eye. I was like, what's up? He snatched his boyfriend up and left.

    Another couple I saw on Halloween. The white guy smiled, and the black looked like he wanted to cut me. Is it that serious? I don't get it.
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    Nov 22, 2009 12:59 AM GMT
    sounds like yet another reason to remain single to me
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    Nov 22, 2009 1:05 AM GMT

    *runs*
  • jgymnast733

    Posts: 1783

    Nov 22, 2009 1:16 AM GMT
    Oh man, if i had a dime everytime someone gave me the evil eye i'd not only be pretty, but rich too... I'v gotten to the point where i just dont look at anyone anymore, i put on the blinders and keep pushing...
    So now i'm tagged as being alof or an uppiddy bitch, my italian BF and i both get less than welcoming looks from blaxs and whyt gays but we can care less really... I had a brotha come up to me and say '' How can you date that c*****r when you know he's the enemy''
    THE ENEMYicon_question.gificon_question.gificon_question.gificon_question.gificon_question.gif............I said.icon_exclaim.gif
    Then again we also get compliments from everyone telling us what a great looking couple we are, so when someone approches us with a hello we simply say hello back.......
    If someone is insecure, than of course they'll be less than friendly to someone who is....icon_exclaim.gif
  • bigguysf

    Posts: 329

    Nov 22, 2009 1:46 AM GMT
    It's good to hear from you jgymnast. Just the kind of perspective I was looking for. I guess on the other side of the issue described in my original post, there is the one of guys like you getting grief for having a white bf.

    Trust me, I have no issue with that now (when I was younger maybe). These days I don't look at that being a reflection of anything having to do with me or a rejection of who I am by one of my own. If the other person makes you happy I'm in no position to judge or tell you that you don't have the right to be happy with whomever.

    But to the original question: do you feel threatened when you are out with your guy and a black guy is friendly to you both?
  • jgymnast733

    Posts: 1783

    Nov 22, 2009 2:19 AM GMT
    bigguysf saidIt's good to hear from you jgymnast. Just the kind of perspective I was looking for. I guess on the other side of the issue described in my original post, there is the one of guys like you getting grief for having a white bf.

    Trust me, I have no issue with that now (when I was younger maybe). These days I don't look at that being a reflection of anything having to do with me or a rejection of who I am by one of my own. If the other person makes you happy I'm in no position to judge or tell you that you don't have the right to be happy with whomever.

    But to the original question: do you feel threatened when you are out with your guy and a black guy is friendly to you both?

    Na, i dont feel threatened at all,,we've been dating for a short while but still i can tell how much he loves me and no/one could ever threaten me to the point of being rube or unfriendly cause i just look too damn good.icon_exclaim.gif
    LOL, okay i'm being funny but i'm a very secure person....and so is he..
  • bigguysf

    Posts: 329

    Nov 22, 2009 2:27 AM GMT
    [quote]Na, i dont feel threatened at all,,we've been dating for a short while but still i can tell how much he loves me and no/one could ever threaten me to the point of being rube or unfriendly cause i just look too damn good.icon_exclaim.gif
    LOL, okay i'm being funny but i'm a very secure person....and so is he..[/quote]

    Thanks man.
    And I wish you guys the best. True connections between gay men are pretty hard to find these days. So I hope it works out for you! icon_smile.gif
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    Nov 22, 2009 2:31 AM GMT
    Territoriality perhaps?

    Now would the opposite be true of a white guy striking up a conversation with a black guy and then the white boyfriend comes back and has the ears pricked for some kind of territory battle?
  • jgymnast733

    Posts: 1783

    Nov 22, 2009 2:39 AM GMT
    bigguysf said[quote]Na, i dont feel threatened at all,,we've been dating for a short while but still i can tell how much he loves me and no/one could ever threaten me to the point of being rube or unfriendly cause i just look too damn good.icon_exclaim.gif
    LOL, okay i'm being funny but i'm a very secure person....and so is he..


    Thanks man.
    And I wish you guys the best. True connections between gay men are pretty hard to find these days. So I hope it works out for you! icon_smile.gif[/quote]
    Aw, thanks man...........
    He's a fighter and goes away often for competition but so far, so good...
  • NyRuinz

    Posts: 887

    Nov 22, 2009 2:48 AM GMT
    bigguysf saidI'm posting this because I don't want to lump all guys together and would love to hear some potential reasons from guys in this situation. I was at the gym today and saw another black guy with his white boyfriend. Since I'm from the Midwest it's my habit to try and make eye contact with other black guys for that acknowledgment many blacks give each to one another.

    This guy gave me nothing and it felt like it was because I was a potential threat -- as his white boyfriend came into view. Now honestly I could give a shit about his bf. I don't fuck around with guys in relationships and have no interest in trying to create and Oreo or anything like that. Relationships should always be respected in my view. But this tends to happen alot here in SF anyway. I'll pass by black-white couples on the street and have the white guy look at me in a friendly way and the black guy givin' attitude from the start.

    It's kind of maddening sometimes because of the presumption that there relationship isn't safe with someone like me around as a threat. Am I wrong? I hope so. It would be pretty sad if other black guys were that insecure and shallow so as to want to alienate one of their own.

    Any black guys with white boyfriends wanna shed some light on this? icon_confused.gif


    Your not imagining this, and it's not exclusive to gay black men, straight black men do it as well. I tend to notice there is a lot of jealousy amongst the black community, rather than embrace one another we sometimes look at one another as a threat, and it should not be that way. I call it the "Token Negro Syndrome".
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    Nov 22, 2009 3:29 AM GMT
    Man, this isn't a black/white thing. It happens with all inter-racial couples.. gay and straight.
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    Nov 22, 2009 3:34 AM GMT
    bigguysf saidinterest in trying to create an Oreo

    I's sorry but I gotta giggle at that, an oreo *giggles*

    I haven't a clue what's going on and I"m sorry for your frustration!

    hehehe an oreo that's kewl icon_biggrin.gif
  • MercuryMax

    Posts: 713

    Nov 22, 2009 4:08 AM GMT
    Well I dont think this has much to do with race, or interracial relationships. I think psychologically, eye contact is on way someone shows that they are "interested" in them. I would say there are a number of factors at play in each of your situations that all have come out to the same response.

    With you trying to make eye contact with someone who is active in, I presume, a happy relationship, then you're definitely more likely to get a mixed response from either one of them. I mean all of the factors that I would like to list are merely stereotypical and isn't the best basis for my argument.

    However, eye contact can also be a form of a "challenge" to those with aggressive or assertive personalities, so in a sense that may be another reason why you're getting a negative response.

    Maybe you should start adding a friendly verbal greeting with with your eye contact, it may ease things and clear up your intent to those who question it.

    Also I would also like to say that for people that are in relationships, it is not uncommon for there to be a "dominant" figure that is protective of their partner. And actually I find that kinda sexy....

    Like I said, there are a lot of factors at play. I have tried to keep it at its most basic level for your specific situation. I would also like to say...it seems you haven't really reached the demographic that you were trying to reach for this post.
  • E_84

    Posts: 201

    Nov 22, 2009 4:12 AM GMT
    Mixed couple here as well...

    I believe it happens on both sides: the white and the black.

    Black guys can be really jealous. If they see competition, they pull out the battle. This is not for all of course. Another may be the "I found mine, you get your own", as by the forums here it looks like racial preferences are quite common in the US. In Canada not as much as we are "The Mosaic" country. We tend to mix.

    White guys are just the same. Mine gets annoyed when other white guys stare at me or come talk to me. Just part of his personality.

    All in all, I believe it's more the individual than the relationship as a whole.
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    Nov 22, 2009 4:35 AM GMT
    Move on......
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    Nov 22, 2009 4:40 AM GMT

    E_84 said, "White guys are just the same. Mine gets annoyed when other white guys stare at me or come talk to me. Just part of his personality."

    We like this! Thanks for perspective.
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    Nov 22, 2009 4:40 AM GMT
    Acknowledgment that many "blacks" give each other? I've never heard of it and I would have treated you the same as any other stranger I'd just met. icon_confused.gif

    Me thinks you're reading a bit too much into it...
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    Nov 22, 2009 4:55 AM GMT
    okay, so ryan wasn't the only one slightly confused...
  • MercuryMax

    Posts: 713

    Nov 22, 2009 5:01 AM GMT
    RyanReBoRn saidAcknowledgment that many "blacks" give each other? I've never heard of it and I would have treated you the same as any other stranger I'd just met. icon_confused.gif

    Me thinks you're reading a bit too much into it...


    Yea actually I meant to say something about this....I hadn't known of a secret handshake or eye stare that all blacks shared with each other. I'm not black, though.
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    Nov 22, 2009 5:12 AM GMT
    Interracial dating amongst gay men especially in the US does not work... its the same problem with asian/white and latino/white couples too - the "white" guy is always the big prize possesion.. and the minority guy is always desperately hanging on to him... sad isn't it... the worst part is gay non-whites in the US don't really love the white guy - they just want him to feel good about themselves and as a sort of "status symbol"...well as someone else also pointed out here - its not so bad in Canada.. probably more of a US thing.
  • charrismd

    Posts: 112

    Nov 22, 2009 5:14 AM GMT
    One other possibility is that the black guy might feel some (internalized) guilty for having 'gone outside the race'.....thereby making him reluctant to talk to another black guy when he's out with his white boyfriend.

    After all, as black gay men, we have layers and layers to deal with in order to be mentally healthy.
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    Nov 22, 2009 5:33 AM GMT
    I COMPLETELY know of the acknowledgement black people give each other while passing on sidewalks and such; my friends of other races even notice it and we laugh about it. They ask me what it means, and I tell them I can't say...it's a secret among the black community. Of course, they know I'm kidding, but I've known of this greeting and have been doing it ever since I can remember. Once I bought a Jeep Wrangler, I've found Wrangler drivers wave to each other when passing as well. Go figure.

    BigGuySF, although I'm single now, so far I've only dated white guys myself. Personally, I've received the evil eye when chatting with a guy who turns out to have a boyfriend (white or black, or in between) and I make it a point to kill them with kindness. If I'm in the mood to chat with a stranger, I'm in the mood to chat with his boyfriend. I'll just go the extra mile with him to hopefully show him I couldn't care less about his man, and he doesn't have to worry. I don't blame them...Lord knows there's some vultures out there!

    As for evil looks my man and I got...well we couldn't care less; and if he got hit on...well good for me, means I'm with a hottie!
  • MercuryMax

    Posts: 713

    Nov 22, 2009 5:34 AM GMT
    Exnewyorker saidInterracial dating amongst gay men especially in the US does not work... its the same problem with asian/white and latino/white couples too - the "white" guy is always the big prize possesion.. and the minority guy is always desperately hanging on to him... sad isn't it... the worst part is gay non-whites in the US don't really love the white guy - they just want him to feel good about themselves and as a sort of "status symbol"...well as someone else also pointed out here - its not so bad in Canada.. probably more of a US thing.


    Dude, I couldn't disagree with you more. As a matter of fact, your post kind of angers me. In my interracial relationship with my ex, I was completely in love with him. I went as far as trying to marry him. Yet, he was still not ready for that type of commitment. Eventually he did break my heart, but we still care deeply for one another and there is always time for re-involvement.

    I'm so mad at your post right now, I dont even know what to type. So just consider yourself warned for when I do....