We're taking a break, can we talk?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 22, 2009 6:14 AM GMT
    So, recently my boyfriend and I decided to take a break. But I'm wondering how often we should talk. It's been tough for me, I really miss him and I know he probably misses me. The reason we decided to take a break is because I don't have enough time for him due to my career.

    I don't even know if I should talk to his friends, whom are now my friends, It's all kind of weird. I guess I got used to have him around.

    Maybe it's not so much that I need and advice, it's more like I need to get things out of my chest. icon_question.gif
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Nov 22, 2009 8:32 AM GMT
    " I don't have enough time for him due to my career. "
    _____________________________________________
    So, you're not going to have any time for a boyfriend or a partner until you're 65 years old ?
  • drypin

    Posts: 1798

    Nov 22, 2009 8:36 AM GMT
    Talk to him. Talk to them. If you've described it realistically, then the problem seems to be that he feels underprioritized in your life. You won't fix that by avoiding him or them.

    Unless this break is simply meant to make it easier to break up afterwards. Then cold turkey will be the quickest way.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 22, 2009 1:25 PM GMT
    A complete separation can teach one or both of you that: a) you can't live without each other, or b) that you can live without each other.

    In the movie version the usual scenario is a). In real life it's often b) instead.

    A partial separation, where you still stay in touch, is more likely to result in you're staying together in the long run. But what was the idea in having this break? To give him the opportunity to do things with other men, because he can't do them with you? If he does that, you're inviting him to leave you for good.

    If you really want him, you should have found some way to accommodate him in your busy life, I presume studying medicine right now (pre-med?). If you couldn't do that, then maybe you shouldn't have a boy friend right now, or ever. There are indeed people who are so career oriented that it's really best for all parties that they never try to form LTRs. There are plenty of examples of that in the straight world, it's not a unique gay thing.

    Depending upon what aspect of medicine you pursue, you may have to defer boyfriends for a good 5 to 10 years. You obviously know a young doctor has to work ungodly hours for his first few years, and has almost no social life. You may need to devise a long-term plan for yourself, and forgo BFs until your life settles down. Date yes, but relationships no. Tough choices.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 22, 2009 4:21 PM GMT
    Ah RV again the voice of reason...
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    Nov 22, 2009 4:52 PM GMT
    i don't want to sound cold, but i don't think it's a problem with your relationship, it's a problem with you. snap out of it and make time to care for the people who care about you. having been in a similar scenario as your boyfriend, my advice to him would be to cut his losses now... that being said, it sounds like you've recognized the issue, now man up and do something about it before someone actually gives him that same advice and you are the one that has really lost something.

    you should call him. immediately. and start a frank dialog about working towards a common goal, not just your own.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 22, 2009 5:11 PM GMT
    velovert2 saidi don't want to sound cold, but i don't think it's a problem with your relationship, it's a problem with you. snap out of it and make time to care for the people who care about you. having been in a similar scenario as your boyfriend, my advice to him would be to cut his losses now... that being said, it sounds like you've recognized the issue, now man up and do something about it before someone actually gives him that same advice and you are the one that has really lost something.

    you should call him. immediately. and start a frank dialog about working towards a common goal, not just your own.


    Agree... if you can´t make time for him now, then will things really change in the future?
  • AtxBobOmb

    Posts: 36

    Nov 22, 2009 5:21 PM GMT
    Amen to valovert. That is sound advice. You need to figure out what is important to you. There are lots of ways to make time for someone.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 22, 2009 5:39 PM GMT
    I agree with everyone above...if you want a relationship you can and will make time for one.

    Perhaps this time in your life isn't right for a relationship. Whatever it is, a very open talk should happen so both parties and understand the concerns of each other.
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Nov 22, 2009 5:50 PM GMT
    In my personal experience, a "time off" usually means a separation in the gay world. There doesn't seem to be much to hold two guys together, like children or money, other than deep mutual appreciation of each other. In the coming months they will move farther and farther apart.

    I won't jump on the bandwagon and say that work is your issue because the other guy might be making this the issue. I've dated a guy before that wanted so much of my time I knew it was impossible to have a continued relationship with him unless I quit my job, gave up all my worldly possessions, denounced my previous life, and lived with him as a man servant.

    Actually this has happened quite a lot for me anyway. If the relationship wasn't completely on the other guys time schedule then we would have never dated at all. I usually get wise to it at about the third month.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 22, 2009 5:59 PM GMT
    You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 22, 2009 6:00 PM GMT
    talk to him...talk to him...talk to him....a break doesnt mean no communication ....and having a career and a boyfriend is hard work....if that is what you want you can do what it takes to make it work...real talk
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 22, 2009 6:02 PM GMT
    Something is missing here. I don't know but people who take time from their relationship are usually not content.

    When I am slammed busy working (my partner retired very young) my husband is there for me so I can unload my day on him. He is my sound board. SOmetime I am so busy I have to leave for two to three weeks. That;s hard, but I would never leave him or he me because of our careers.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 22, 2009 6:11 PM GMT
    velovert2 saidi don't want to sound cold, but i don't think it's a problem with your relationship, it's a problem with you. snap out of it and make time to care for the people who care about you. having been in a similar scenario as your boyfriend, my advice to him would be to cut his losses now... that being said, it sounds like you've recognized the issue, now man up and do something about it before someone actually gives him that same advice and you are the one that has really lost something.

    you should call him. immediately. and start a frank dialog about working towards a common goal, not just your own.



    Wow!! this is the most sincere and best advice I read thus far!! relationships is not a one way street, it takes two emotionally and physically available people to tango the dance of love!


    I personally feel if one of you can't be emotionally and physically available in any kind of relationship then you shouldn't lead people on to be with you......period!!


    ♥ Leandro ♥
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 22, 2009 6:17 PM GMT
    WildjokerQ saidSomething is missing here. I don't know but people who take time from their relationship are usually not content.

    When I am slammed busy working (my partner retired very young) my husband is there for me so I can unload my day on him. He is my sound board. SOmetime I am so busy I have to leave for two to three weeks. That;s hard, but I would never leave him or he me because of our careers.



    BEAUTIFULLY EXPRESSED! I can't certainly relate to what you are saying! my boyfriend is currently going through a difficult time in his career, but that is definitely is not going to stop me from leaving him!


    ♥ Leandro ♥
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 27, 2009 4:14 AM GMT
    Thanks for some of your advices. It's been very tough for him and for me.
    I'm just very focused on become a Doctor. I'm among the top 6 in med school, so you know I don't have too much time.

    I just try to do everything but it's hard to maintain a relationship if you can't be present when your loved one needs you.

    It's not likely that I'l have time soon. But we do talk and we are very honest with each other, even if it hurts. He know my priority is my career and school, and so it's hard for him, but all my free time I spend with him,actually I haven't seen my friends outside of school in a long time.

    Again. thanks for your comments and letting me unwind
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 27, 2009 4:24 AM GMT
    Taking a break without talking is just breaking up with someone who is too inconsiderate to fully break up.

    If you spend all of your free time with him, but that is still not enough, what will taking a break do?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 27, 2009 4:36 AM GMT
    you can do what ever the hell you want sweet heart your called an adult now, that means you have to think for your self!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 27, 2009 4:39 AM GMT
    Self important much?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 27, 2009 4:59 AM GMT
    metropolitanIt's all kind of weird. I guess I got used to have him around.


    It seems like a relatively simple solution to me. You basically stated above you started taking him for granted. Maybe he just wants to feel he's appreciated and you're 100% in the relationship with him rather than 80% in the relationship with school and 20% with him or whatever. Aside from that, I think if you're going to work in any part of the medical profession, you must have life balance because it's easy to burn out.
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    Nov 27, 2009 7:32 AM GMT
    Hello metropolitan, It's Bill of meninlove. My Dad was a Doctor. Passed away in '97 at 71.

    He started med school after he married Mom and had 4 kids. No family support, just the two of them in LA with us kids. Everyone else was in Canada. He came home every night to her, and when he couldn't do that, every morning. They were each other's support. When he opened his practice up back in BC she became his receptionist for awhile when we were in school. Then she had 2 more kids. He was good enough to have a wing at a hospital named after him.

    ...I'm guessing maybe there's something else going on with you two besides a career issue.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 27, 2009 7:50 AM GMT
    Yeah, come on, you're not Dolly Parton in 9 to 5. Talk to him.
  • MercuryMax

    Posts: 713

    Nov 27, 2009 9:38 AM GMT
    Hehe, i really hate the excuse of not having time. I think the problem is, that you didn't want to make time. There must have been something in your daily routine that you could sacrifice for someone you had a bond with....

    Maybe you just need to grow a dick and admit that you're being selfish. Try getting that off your chest.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 27, 2009 10:28 AM GMT
    Bro' if you're not with someone who's mature enough to talk to enough though you're not technically together...as well as the group of mutual friends, you probably need to find someone else anyway.

    That sort of "is the friend of my friend...yada yada" is so junior high.

    I'm not dissing you, I'm simply saying,
    a healthy, adult relationship (and it's extended friendships) should be as relaxed when you're together as it is when you're separated.

    Anything else is just drama. ;)

    M
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 27, 2009 12:16 PM GMT
    meninlove said Hello metropolitan, It's Bill of meninlove. My Dad was a Doctor. Passed away in '97 at 71.

    He started med school after he married Mom and had 4 kids. No family support, just the two of them in LA with us kids. Everyone else was in Canada. He came home every night to her, and when he couldn't do that, every morning. They were each other's support. When he opened his practice up back in BC she became his receptionist for awhile when we were in school. Then she had 2 more kids. He was good enough to have a wing at a hospital named after him.

    ...I'm guessing maybe there's something else going on with you two besides a career issue.


    Great story, Bill. It sounds like you had a solid family upbringing (a rare event in this day and age).

    My husband's a doctor. I started dating him when he was a resident, and even though he was busy 24/7, he always found time for me. We couldn't see each other every day. In fact, there were times when an entire week would go by without seeing each other, but I loved him and he loved me, and we made it work.

    I think the OP is covering up the truth. Perhaps he's playing the med school card and using it as an excuse to weasel out of a relationship he was never really into to begin with? That's what I'm guessing. He's young, and probably hasn't had a good heart breaking of his own yet. It will happen, and probably at some point during his time in med school. Then we'll see an entirely different side of him.

    I love watching karma have its way with people.