Should I let him back in...

  • RogerW19

    Posts: 37

    Nov 22, 2009 4:52 PM GMT
    My ex cheated (kissed/ got head from another guy) on me over the summer... I forgave him and I stopped talking to him for a few days and now he is trying to get back with me. He has been acting differently (making me the most important part of his life)... like he is really bothered about what he did. We don't talk about the fact that it happened ever! I want to let him back in but I'm scared that it will happen again.

    Do guys change? Should I give him a second chance? Do I deserve to know why he cheated?

    ...

    Should I just let him back in and if nothing else chalk it up to a learning experience? Should I just ignore that it happened and not ask why he did it?


  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 22, 2009 6:06 PM GMT
    He was obviously bored with you,so he needed something different. What if he gets bored/tired of you and cheats again.Then you'll just feel stupid for letting him back into your life.

    -Yes you do deserve to know why he cheated. IMO


    -If it were me I wouldn't. Everyone should know that cheating on someone is a bad thing to do. It's not like it's some surprise.

    -I don't care if the guy was tipsy,wasted,high,stoned. Unless he was passed out and got his dick sucked without knowing , that's a different story. Otherwise, I would just cut him loose.


    -yeah people can chane,just not over night. Takes some big growing up to do.


    "like he is really bothered about what he did"

    Good! maybe he'll learn his lesson for the next person or if he gets back with you in the FUTURE
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 22, 2009 8:03 PM GMT
    Ummmm NO. Why would you want to have someone in your life like this? Once you let go of him and allow yourself to see whats out there you will be glad you did.
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Nov 22, 2009 8:11 PM GMT
    There are exceptions to the common rules. But if you intend to get back with him you have to have a serious talk with him about rules, and you need to state cheating is not an option in a relationship with you. I can understand a one-time mistake but that is it.

    My last LTR was about 7 yrs. I basically found out through a third party he was "seeing" a mutual friend of ours behind my back. That weekend we have a long talk.... spanning the whole weekend. In the talk, I stipulated that if he intends to spend any more time with this mutual friend that I would need to be present as well(he would not drop his friendship with the other guy). I did not have DNA evidence that he was having sex with the other guy, and he was still denying it.

    Needless to say on Monday after work I found out again through a third party he had lunch that day with said "friend". That was pretty much it for me because I was baffled as to how I was ever going to trust him again.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 22, 2009 8:24 PM GMT
    No you should not let him back in. To let him back in is to invite the same incident on a far greater scale.

    Cheating is never accidental. It is always intentional and it is done with such selfishness for ones own personal satisfaction. He could've easily said no but decided to say yes. That speaks volumes.

    Do you deserve to know why he cheated? Sure you do. You have a right to know why your trust was violated. A better question to ask is do you need to know and will it change things?

    He should be bothered by it. If he wasn't that would be an even bigger red flag and since he knows what he did is wrong he can have the pleasure living with mistake and guilt which he caused. You are guilt free in this case.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 22, 2009 8:28 PM GMT
    Is it his first time cheating? (the psych doctors will tell you most dont get caught their first time)

    How did you find out?

    Did he confess?

    You find out the details regardless of how uncomfortable it is for either of you?

    Is there something in your relationship that was lacking that pushed him that way? (PLEASE dont bash me I am not blaming the victim just asking questions)

    If you can trust him and make it work, you may consider it. Make sure to tell him you have a cheat card to use at your leisure with the same exact repercussions he has recieved.

    I met this hot guy at the homo bar. He said he was getting even with his bf of 5 years for cheating on him and he wanted to come back to my place and get fucked by me and blow my buddies ONLY if we would take pics with his cam (no faces except his). Well I fucked him, he blew my buddies, both swallowed and got a facial. We took pics as asked and said he had a great time, took his camera and left. Havent seen him since.

    I am not sure how I would react to a male partner cheating. I have very little experience in m2m relationships although I have a ton of experience playing the hookup game. It seems in the gay world that so many have some level of open relationships, play together only, play separate only, cant get head unless your 5.13 miles from the house and in your own car or your traveling out of town or you have the don't ask don't tell policy or you don't get caught.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 22, 2009 8:32 PM GMT
    IMHO, once a cheater... always a cheater.

    My ex cheated for pretty much the entire 8 years we were together, but I naively held on to the hope that people could change and that since we had been together since such a young age he would mature and grow out of it. Instead he just started all over again with a 20 year old who is just as promiscuous as my ex.

    That's not to say people are incapable of changing, but once the seal is broken it's hard to get the genie back into the bottle.

    Good luck in what ever you decide.
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    Nov 22, 2009 8:42 PM GMT
    RogerW19 saidMy ex cheated (kissed/ got head from another guy) on me over the summer... I forgave him and I stopped talking to him for a few days and now he is trying to get back with me. He has been acting differently (making me the most important part of his life)... like he is really bothered about what he did. We don't talk about the fact that it happened ever! I want to let him back in but I'm scared that it will happen again.

    Do guys change? Should I give him a second chance? Do I deserve to know why he cheated?

    ...

    Should I just let him back in and if nothing else chalk it up to a learning experience? Should I just ignore that it happened and not ask why he did it?




    Well no matter what everyone says, you will mostly probably end up doing what you feel is right. Which what even I would do. But then the question is really to urself "Do I want him back and why". Think about it and ask him the same question. If you feel satisfied with answer from both, do what you feel is right. That way you will never regret your decision nor will you blame anyone if it turns out anything different from what you thought it will.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 22, 2009 8:43 PM GMT
    I would forgive him but I suggest you move on and find a man that will not indulge his selfish whims. Humans are prone to error but cheating is absolute violation of trust and any foundation that you had with your partner is destroyed.

    People can change but with so many men out there why stay? Only to have that in the recess of your mind, is he cheating again? Good luck in whatever you decide to do because only you can make the choice.

    live well and respect yourself because you deserve better.
  • nadaquever_rm

    Posts: 139

    Nov 22, 2009 8:44 PM GMT
    Whether or not you get back together with him, you deserve to know why, so talk to him. Once you're communicating again, you'll be in a better place to decide if you can/should trust him again.
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    Nov 22, 2009 9:14 PM GMT
    Hey RogerW19, it's us. This is the same fellow that was in the closet, then came out? The same fellow that went away and explored his own space? The same fellow that was fighting w/you over the phone saying he didn't have time to talk? In that topic you were asking for ideas for a great date as he'd just come back to town.

    ...and now you find out that while the above happened , he also cheated on you......


    Well, we know what we'd do. You'll never be with the right guy as long as you're with the wrong one. Both of us were in your shoes at one time. We left our 'wrong guys' and voila, we met each other and the rest is (cliche but true) history.

    Stand your ground. You've been his learning experience. It's painful. There's that old line to forgive and forget, but when we forget we're doomed to repeat the experience.

    You also want to be clear in the message he gets from you. Forgiving and resuming can be seen as meaning it can happen again and will be forgiven.

    -us
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19136

    Nov 22, 2009 9:54 PM GMT
    lenoxx said He was obviously bored with you,so he needed something different. What if he gets bored/tired of you and cheats again.Then you'll just feel stupid for letting him back into your life.



    I don't think this is necessarily true. People cheat for many other reasons, some of which have little if anything to do with the person they are in a relationship with. Men are sexual animals who sometimes think with their penis rather than their brain. Hence, mistakes are made that are later regrettable. That being said, I think the OP just needs to follow his heart. If he cares for the ex and wants him back in his life, then let him back in -- but with eyes wide open and some clear boundaries set and agreed on by both. Sometimes something like this has to happen to make one or both partners realize the value of what they have together, and in the end it makes them stronger as a couple. There is no right or wrong answer here other than to follow your heart and hope for the best.
  • coolarmydude

    Posts: 9190

    Nov 22, 2009 9:57 PM GMT
    From what you have given us, I don't know if he is sincere. If he doesn't admit his faults and weaknesses voluntarily and forthcoming, then he isn't strong enough to be your guy.
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    Nov 22, 2009 10:46 PM GMT
    RogerW19 saidMy ex cheated (kissed/ got head from another guy) on me over the summer... I forgave him and I stopped talking to him for a few days and now he is trying to get back with me. He has been acting differently (making me the most important part of his life)... like he is really bothered about what he did. We don't talk about the fact that it happened ever! I want to let him back in but I'm scared that it will happen again.

    Do guys change? Should I give him a second chance? Do I deserve to know why he cheated?

    ...

    Should I just let him back in and if nothing else chalk it up to a learning experience? Should I just ignore that it happened and not ask why he did it?



    I would like to think that everyone deserves a second chance. We're all humans and make stupid mistakes from time to time. That being said, I know that I don't tolerate cheaters, liars, sluts, or douchebags. I personally don't think that I could ever go back to being in a relationship with someone who did that to me, but then again, I'm not in your shoes, and I don't know your bf. I can't judge him, but I know that what he did was wrong. Monogamy is a deal breaker for me and if I were in that situation my instinct would be to end things, but I would also like to think that I could be willing to forgive a very special guy that failed miserably one time and repented. I don't think I am that noble, though, but it depends on the situation.

    You don't deserve to know why he cheated. But you are certainly entitled to know the reason for his moronic behavior if he wants to get back with you. What surprises me is that you still don't know why. If he was truly sorry, he would have asked for forgiveness, and then explained why he felt compelled to violate your trust. I don't know why you are even considering to take him back without questioning every single fucked up thing he's ever done to you. Ignore what he did if you want to erase him from your life. Never ignore what he did if you want to take him back. icon_mad.gif

    I am not sure how much of a learning experience this can be for you. The only lesson I can think of you getting out of this whole thing is that if he was an asshole, you should now be smart enough to at least recognize certain traits that all assholes have. However, if the guy was a good guy, I am not sure you can learn about this experience. The truth is that you will never know if someone is capable of cheating until they do--unless of course, as I pointed out, he was an asshole to begin with--so I'm not sure you can say you will learn from your bf's cheating. You will be hurt of course, and if it happens again, you will know how to deal with it, but you can never learn how not to get hurt when someone breaks your heart.

    Lastly, you only stopped talking to him for a few days???icon_question.gificon_rolleyes.gif I would have stopped talking to him for a lot more than that. You should not take him back for a while. He is being really nice to you because this is recent. Will he still be willing to prove he loves you 4 months from now? I think you need a break and tell him that it's going to take a lot of time to get past that. If he loves you he will stick around. If he just wants to have his way with you, he will get bored of asking for forgiveness relatively soon. In the meantime, you should have a mutual friend find out if he is having sex on the side while you are considering to take him back. Some guys might claim that they are allowed to hook up with other people because technically you are not together while you are considering to take him back. These are the worst offenders. Begging for forgiveness from one guy one minute and fucking around with others the next. See if he can keep his hormones in check during that time, that might tell you he's grown up and is committed to making things work.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 22, 2009 10:46 PM GMT

    They don't change so soon after the fact. Why do you think prison terms aren't a few days long? If getting head from another guy was a crime would it be a misdemeanor or a felony? I dunno. Him being nice is no great indicator of real penance because with what do you catch more flies? If you're gonna take him back, at least let him suffer for longer than a few days..................................................spank.gif

    But remember, guilty people are often far more prolific than any one offense alone can reflect. You know what they say about pest control. If you see one, chances are your house is already infested.

    ......................................roach infestation images Pictures, Images and Photos






  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 22, 2009 11:14 PM GMT
    GuiltyGear said:
    They don't change so soon after the fact...Him being nice is no great indicator of real penance ...guilty people are often far more prolific than any one offense alone can reflect.




    More great advice from GG. I agree completely: he probably won't change quickly; his being nice means little else; he may very well have done worse and you don't know.

    I am sorry to say, it is probably best to ditch him. You deserve better.
  • Koaa2

    Posts: 1556

    Nov 22, 2009 11:40 PM GMT
    Monogamy and cheating are such overused words. In a relationship there is no black and white.
    I think there are very few men who don't have sex outside a relationship. Humans are not wired to have sex with just one person their whole lives. I think it would be so boring and limiting to have sex with the same person for 30 years, come on give me a break. I can never figure out, why someone having sex with another person, while in a relationship, is so threatening to some people. Sex is just sex, nothing more.

    That being said, you have to live by your own values, and no one should dictate what they should be.

    If you feel he might be genuine and you would like to keep seeing him, I would keep the dialogue open about it, and see where it goes for you both. I think it would be a good learning experience for both of you, for now and in the future.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 22, 2009 11:50 PM GMT
    Here's my simply-minded, Chucky, answer. Do what makes you happy. You knew that before you asked the question. Most folks really don't change their ethics all that much. They can SAY they will, but, most often, don't. Now, it's up to you to decide what you want to deal with. You can only change yourself, and you can't change him. It's that simple. If you can't live with that, then, the answer is clear: time to move on. If you're willing to consider that his behavior may, and probably will, be repeated, but, want him in your life, nonetheless, then keep him around. Never forget everything doesn't just revolve around you. If your buddy wants to sleep around, he's going to do that. Not much you can do about it. Next time, though, he'll make damn sure he doesn't get caught. You know him. You know what he does. Now, you just have to decide what you want from your relationship. Some folks have "mutual play" and it suits them well. That may, or may not, be the best plan for you.

    On a sidenote: my parents were married 59 years, and never even thought about anyone else. They were wonderfully happy, especially in the later years of their marriage. Gay guys / bi guys, though, are high-drama, needy, and very self-centric, and...guys...so you decide what makes you happy. You don't need pack approval for that. On the other hand, if the two of you need "an adapter penis" to make your relationship work, then, that's the call of the three of you.

    Understand, though, at the end of the day, your buddy's ethics probably aren't going to change that much; he's just going to make sure he doesn't get caught.

    Now, you, also, can ask yourself, why was it your buddy wanted to sleep around? Perhaps you should ask him, for the better answer.

    Trying to guilt him into submission by playing childish games like not speaking is for 10 year olds. Grow one and find out why he did it. Listen. If you don't like what you hear, dump him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 22, 2009 11:53 PM GMT
    Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with obedience, jealousy nor fear. It is there most pure, perfect, and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve.
    Percy Bysshe Shelley

    The issue is not about monogamy, it's about trust. Rebuilding trust is not a one time task. It takes time, effort and energy and the creation of a space with in the relationship were each can talk about WHATEVER they want or need to with out fear of retaliation.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 23, 2009 12:22 AM GMT
    You forgave him, but then stopped talking to him? Uh huh....

    You need to talk about it. Because if you stay with him, some time down the track you're going to have a fight. And before you know it, out of your mouth will come the words "At least I didn't cheat on you."

    Work out why he did it, talk about it, and then try and move on for it. Pretending it didn't happen doesn't change the fact that it did happen.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 25, 2009 2:06 PM GMT
    I say.....

    Dump him.... if you werent good enough for him to stay faithful to you.... he is not good enough for you to give a second chance. Whats to say that he wont cheat on you again? He did it once.... and once a cheater, always a cheater. I assume that your level of trust with him has been shattered, and with good reason. Being faithful is the ultimate sign of trust and if your ex broke that, there isnt anything else in the relationship worth staying for. What if he does cheat on you again? You will be someone who got cheated on twice by the same tool. He maybe saying that you are his biggest priority but he is probably scared of loosing you because you are someone he can count on and someone that is there for him. Sluts are the same way... afraid of loosing someone they know they can count on but have no problem sleeping with others.

    Its your choice, but if i was in your situation I would surely wouldnt even give it a second though.

    Best of Luck!
    icon_wink.gif
  • JP85257

    Posts: 3284

    Nov 25, 2009 2:08 PM GMT
    Eatin aint Cheatin.....

    Suckin aint Fuckin.

    Get over it.
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    Nov 25, 2009 4:04 PM GMT
    No one really forgets this stuff.worse happened to me and acted like i couldnt care less while it was a big deal for me.
    The only thing you can forgive in my opinion is hooking up with a random person randomly at a bar while really super drunk
    but then,everybody is different
    Its just important to ask him why he cheated on you and how it hapenned...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 25, 2009 4:11 PM GMT
    From personal experience, after 7.5 years with the same guy who cheated on me in Year # 2 - I would never let myself forgive and stay.

    For me, once your bf cheats, the intimacy that was there in the beginning is now gone, and no matter how hard I tried to overlook it, it never came back.

    That is one side of the coin.

    The other side - is that after you start believing them again - you find that they can't be trusted.

    I know now that he continues this trend with his new boyfriend, even after they've been together for a year and 'closed' the relationship...

    There are differing circumstances for everyone, and you have to do what you think is right - I did so at the time, and found out later - it was the wrong thing for me.

    You learn from your experiences, and make future choices based on those said experiences.


    Good luck, Roger!
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Nov 27, 2009 6:01 AM GMT
    I don't think that monogamy is natural for most men.
    Perhaps he was just testing the boundaries of your relationship.
    Perhaps he doesn't see casual sex with someone else as anything to get upset about.
    Obviously, it's extremely upsetting to you.
    Perhaps he isn't ready for a committed relationship.

    My gut feeling is that if you take up with this guy again, sooner or later, you're going to have reason to be pissed off, again.