Has your opinion on monogamy changed after you've been with someone monogamously for a long time?

  • tomchadwin

    Posts: 26

    Nov 23, 2009 6:07 PM GMT
    My boyfriend believes that monogamy is essential during the initial stage of a relationship (i.e. the first several years) to build trust and connection, however after that he realistically doesn't think he can be physically monogomous to me for the rest of his life.

    He reassured me that he does not want an open relationhip anytime soon and that he was trying to be as honest as he can about the topic - which I appreciate.

    Currently I personally think that I would NEVER EVER want an open relationship. However, I'm willing to entertain the idea that my opinion MIGHT change if I have been with someone monogamously for a very long time (i.e. after I establish a lot of trust during the first several monogamous years of a relationship).

    I would like to hear the opinions of others from this forum: Has your opinion on monogamy changed after you've been with someone monogamously for a long time? Can you separate physical monogamy from emotional monogamy?

    Anyways, this whole thing has made me internally question the future of our relationship. I feel like this issue is really challenging the fine line of compromising with my boyfriend and going against my personal core values.
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    Nov 23, 2009 6:41 PM GMT
    We know several gay couples of between 15 to 26 years duration, who do some limited playing around, in the form of 3-somes. We believe their own marriages (one couple in fact is legally married in another state) are very loving, stable & sound. These sexual diversions are nothing more than physical recreation for them, and don't threaten their relationship.

    We also know 1 couple where there is some actual cheating going on, but they allow it, each secure that it's nothing serious or threatening. Therefore I would conclude such arrangements are possible, for CERTAIN couples, but not necessarily all.

    As for myself, I'm limited by a magical switch I have. When single I go into "hunt mode" and am the randiest character you'll probably ever (not wanna) meet. Once I find a guy, however, the randy switch turns off all by itself, and I simply lose further interest in other guys. Serve him up naked on a silver platter, I won't even notice him, much less be interested. No credit to me personally, just my magic switch at work. And I'd be crushed if my partner did some playing around himself, and he knows it.

    What about your case? You're very mature to accept the possibility that your attitudes might change with time, all by themselves. I know mine have about many things. I'd say don't cross this bridge until you come to it. Perhaps HIS attitudes will change too, and this situation will never arise.

    But if you ever do face such a decision, be true to yourself, after careful reflection. Neither cave in to his wishes simply to save the relationship, nor draw arbitrary lines in the sand to destroy it. And if you guys can't work it out when and if it actually happens, then it is indeed all over.
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    Nov 23, 2009 6:42 PM GMT
    It's normal to question your relationship for any myriad of reasons.
    Monogamy is a biggie issue because it is so charged with emotions.
    I think if you're open to talking about it and exploring the possibility that is good, if something is important to your partner you should take the time to explore it.
    I was in a six year relationship towards the end we tried to negotiate an open relationship but realized that neither of us were really ok with that because of how we view intimacy and sex. Before that, I always thought I'd dump anyone who cheated on me.
    But now, I realize shit happens, sometimes people find themselves in situations with others where sex outside of "marriage" happens. For myself I think allowing an *occasional* lapse in the arrangement is different from giving free license to pursue sex outside of the relationship. That's just me... you need to figure out what works for you and your partner.

    If you love him try, try, try... hard times are normal... not having them is a rare gift.
    Whatever you do, don't give up when it gets hard.
  • drypin

    Posts: 1798

    Nov 23, 2009 7:10 PM GMT
    Tom,

    My husband and I have been together for 14 years. We flirted with the option of opening up the relationship after about 5 years, then again after about 9 years. It was in our 13th year that we finally decided we had the trust and intimacy to handle it... and it was still something we did in stages. It has reawakened our sex lives both individually and together. We've only had the relationship open for 1 year now, so I can't speak about it like an expert, but I can say that such things are doable and don't have to be threatening.

    I'd say I'm pleased that your boyfriend brought up the subject. I hope he's a good communicator allround.
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    Nov 23, 2009 7:12 PM GMT
    My position on this issue would never change. I believe in monogamy 100% .
    When that position changed for my former partner we could not be togather.
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    Nov 23, 2009 7:13 PM GMT
    no- and since being on this site and reading some of the horror stories, day by day- it becomes even more solidified.

    it's monogamy or nothing.

    i don't do well sharing my toys! have never done- ain't about to start now
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    Nov 23, 2009 7:23 PM GMT
    I just opened our relationship about 5 months ago after 4 years of monogamy, or so I thought. He was hooking up with others and thought I knew; in a way I did, but did not know what to say. For him, it's just sex and nothing more. So I have to believe that everything he says is true..that he loves and needs me. The feeling is mutual and I do not want out. So we move on.

    This will not work for every one and there are times when it is rough on me, but I look at the bigger picture....we are there for each other and that is important.
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Nov 23, 2009 7:25 PM GMT
    My opinion hasn't changed at all. I am monogamous to the very gooey center of my existence. I can think of no reason to change.

    The last and longest ltr I have been in was about 7 yrs. It broke up because he was cheating on me and lying about it.... although we were still having sex like rabbits throughout the whole relationship up until the very end. I have never cheated on anyone in my life, and I doubt if I ever will. I know how it feels to be cheated on, and that usually is how my relationships break up. I would never do that to someone I cared about and loved.

    It's not that I have never been tempted, but I know that I need to avoid temptations and not let myself get into compromising situations, because I'm a guy and I do have my breaking point. It helps if you know yourself and what you're capable of.
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    Nov 23, 2009 9:13 PM GMT
    I once felt an open relationship was for me, then I met my ex and for some reason I was naturally monogamous, near the end we opened the relationship up and i tried it for a bit, but, still, I wasn't that interested in guy, yeah I looked at tons, flirted and all that stuff but taking them home wasn't on the front of my mind.

    now that I'm single though it is..... hmm

    I think it more important you keep that passion alive for each other.. wild uninhibited sex can do wonders.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Nov 23, 2009 9:19 PM GMT
    I'm more open to it now than I was in the past.
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    Nov 23, 2009 9:27 PM GMT
    Have been monogamous with my my partner for all of our 11 years now. Have been leaning towards having, or rather trying, an open relationship. My partner does not approve. icon_rolleyes.gif
    As strange as this sounds, I would really love to see my partner with another muscular guy as large as he is. icon_eek.gif
    (Then of course join in as well! (I am bloody awful!)) icon_redface.gif
    Cheers,
    Keith
    icon_twisted.gif
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    Nov 23, 2009 9:46 PM GMT
    lilTanker saidI once felt an open relationship was for me, then I met my ex and for some reason I was naturally monogamous, near the end we opened the relationship up and i tried it for a bit, but, still, I wasn't that interested in guy, yeah I looked at tons, flirted and all that stuff but taking them home wasn't on the front of my mind.

    now that I'm single though it is..... hmm

    I think it more important you keep that passion alive for each other.. wild uninhibited sex can do wonders.

    *I do!*

    ....oh wait... what was the question? I got lost in lilTanker's response.
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    Nov 23, 2009 10:25 PM GMT
    20 year old jumping into the conversation here.... yeah what can i contribute to this...

    we are all jealous in some way shape or form and to see the people we love sharing something as intimate as sex with someone other than our partners plays with our human instinct to reject and trip out

    he brought it up in what seams to be a conservative way... meaning he knows your not as comfortable as he is and he respects that... but at the same time shows his interest

    i personally think monogamy is some what cliché and if u saw more people in open relationships you'd probably be more open to do it yourself but since you dont see it often your probably being a lil shy to pull the trigger.


    this will obsess your mind for a while by the looks of things but it seems like your approaching the situation with a good attitude

    i wouldn't condone you going along with it just to save the relationship mind you but just like the first time you bottomed, it might not be "comfortable" per say but you might actually like it as time goes on.

    im the adventurous type... jump before i look and to speak before i think... can most definetly get you into trouble but if you ask me i'd say go for it.

    your relationship is at risk sure, but nobody wants to be boring icon_razz.gif

    on a more serious note tho, i would give it a try wen you feel it might be ok. play with a lil, and see what its like and if worse comes to worse, explain to your man that you'r willing to try this and that if you dont like it after a while to say the saftey word and go back to how it was


    nice to see that ur willing to go out of your comfort zone for him tho, and for all you know u might even like the change yourself...maybe even more than him icon_razz.gif
  • owen19832006

    Posts: 1035

    Nov 23, 2009 10:30 PM GMT
    The thought of my partner having sex with another man/men devastates me, i would be heartbroken if he had sex with someone else, be it emotional or not, physical or whatever, no means no.
    I just dont think it is for me...open relationships nor things to spice up the relationship...
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    Nov 23, 2009 10:36 PM GMT
    Thanks OP for starting this thread it renewed my faith that there are guys who are into monogamy. This made my day... icon_smile.gif
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    Nov 23, 2009 10:37 PM GMT
    Being in an open relationship isn't my idea of love or relationship or companionship. Maybe that could change by some miracle or time.
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    Nov 23, 2009 10:40 PM GMT
    tomchadwin saidMy boyfriends believes that monogamy is essential during the initial stage of a relationship (i.e. the first several years) to build trust and connection, however after that he realistically doesn't think he can be physically monogomous to me for the rest of his life.

    He reassured me that he does not want an open relationhip anytime soon and that he was trying to be as honest as he can about the topic - which I appreciate.

    Currently I personally think that I would NEVER EVER want an open relationship. However, I'm willing to entertain the idea that my opinion MIGHT change if I have been with someone monogamously for a very long time (i.e. after I establish a lot of trust during the first several monogamous years of a relationship).

    I would like to hear the opinions of others from this forum: Has your opinion on monogamy changed after you've been with someone monogamously for a long time? Can you separate physical monogamy from emotional monogamy?

    Anyways, this whole thing has made me internally question the future of our relationship. I feel like this issue is really challenging the fine line of compromising with my boyfriend and going against my personal core values.



    I am currently in a monogamous relationship and I am very happy to be with the ONE man I love! that being said I don't feel the need to replace him with anyone else even if it is for play, curiosity, lust, or plainly because I am bored!? when I am with someone it is usually for keeps!


    ♥ Leandro ♥
  • owen19832006

    Posts: 1035

    Nov 23, 2009 10:46 PM GMT
    EasilyDistracted saidThanks OP for starting this thread it renewed my faith that there are guys who are into monogamy. This made my day... icon_smile.gif



    Totally believe in monogamy, wont deny that had my days and my fair share of 3sums, and whatever else, however met the one guy i actually happen to love and the thought of him being with someone else is just too much to bear, that would be the end of us as an item...if you need someone else to have sex with then that might be an indication that something might be missing in the relationship?
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    Nov 23, 2009 10:47 PM GMT
    Your boyfriend is being honest and realistic and he sounds like he's not going to fall into the trap of "love me forever and never have sex with anyone else" Sounds like you are being realistic too.

    I can never understand how most guys say that most guys cheat and yet they still bang their heads against a wall and insist on monogamy.

    I was in a 15 year relationship and after say 4 or 5 years, the strict monogamy ended. I wasn't out looking to get laid, and it didn't happen often, but it did happen...when I was travelling or for whatever reason.

    And these hookups were only about sex. I wasn't looking for an emotional connection...there wasn't anything wrong with my relationship in or out of the bedroom with my partner and each time I would hookup with a guy, I left feeling energized, satisfied and NOT guilty.

    My partner and I didn't have a classic "open relationship". But we understood how we (men) were wired. With one guy I hooked up with, I wanted to continue a plutonic freindship and he understood that to continue as friends, the sex would have to end. He is still my good friend to this day.......

    Its a tricky thing to understand but it sounds like you guys are approaching the subject with maturity and openess. He doesn't sound like a serial "player" and seems to understand the importance of establishing emotional trust and security.

    All to often, I heard of men in LTR who break up because one, or both "cheated". I think they use cheating as an excuse to separate to avoid confronting the real issues that led to it in the first place.

    Who know? In a few years, you both might feel monogamy is the best option. Or maybe you feel safe and secure with him, and if he told you he fooled around, you wouldn't be devestated and you might realize that its not about your pride, your jealousy, your fears and insecurities and be fine with it.
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    Nov 23, 2009 10:50 PM GMT
    Non-traditional relationship structures are as valid as the so called traditional ones. Opening up is a process that requires intense trust and communication. To do it with out those skills is often a disaster for most couples.

    The opening up process is often as difficult as the coming out process. Issues of competition, jealousy and envy all need to be managed as well as the "rules" and definitions of the evolving relationship.

    Pollyamory challenges our traditional view of what an intimate relationship is "supposed" to be and many find ith threatening and scary.

    If you are thinking of opening up your relationship understand that it is NOT about replacement of your primary relationship, it is in addition to and my be about sex or it may be about other needs that a partner does not always meet. Another myth about relationships is that should meet "all" of our needs.

    Best to you in your process!
  • owen19832006

    Posts: 1035

    Nov 23, 2009 11:01 PM GMT
    I say NO, NO, NO!
    Either he's with me or with someone else, but cant have both worlds...
    as much as you might try to avoid making a connection with someone you had just casual sex with, chances are you will make a connection and that might put your relationship at jeopardy!
    I hate to admit it but im the jealous kind, and whats mine is mine, and i dont share...simple..the day we need to bring extra people into the relationship thats the day it ends...
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Nov 23, 2009 11:14 PM GMT
    owen19832006 saidI say NO, NO, NO!
    Either he's with me or with someone else, but cant have both worlds...
    as much as you might try to avoid making a connection with someone you had just casual sex with, chances are you will make a connection and that might put your relationship at jeopardy!
    I hate to admit it but im the jealous kind, and whats mine is mine, and i dont share...simple..the day we need to bring extra people into the relationship thats the day it ends...



    Wow, and it sounds like some people in an open relationship actually think men were made to whore outside of their relationship. What explains the fact that there are guys that stay monogamous their entire lives?
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    Nov 23, 2009 11:34 PM GMT
    Musclequest saidHave been monogamous with my my partner for all of our 11 years now. Have been leaning towards having, or rather trying, an open relationship. My partner does not approve. icon_rolleyes.gif
    As strange as this sounds, I would really love to see my partner with another muscular guy as large as he is. icon_eek.gif
    (Then of course join in as well! (I am bloody awful!)) icon_redface.gif
    Cheers,
    Keith
    icon_twisted.gif


    Be careful of what you wish for you may get it and it may not be pretty. It may not be what you want.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 23, 2009 11:36 PM GMT
    I've changed my mind.

    I'm now in an open relationship with this beef stroganoff. icon_redface.gificon_redface.gif

    So delicious.


    FILL ME TO THE BRIM

    I want it inside me so badly.. icon_redface.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 23, 2009 11:44 PM GMT
    Yeah my view has changed. I always believed you find a partner and that's who you're with. After being with my man for about 11 years now I've started thinking twice. Not sure if that says more about the level of my happiness in the relationship or if my opinions on monogamy. I never would've dreamed of a threesome years ago but I think I might be game.

    In general it seems like being with only one person is the best bet unless you have something worked out and it works for you both. The most important thing is honesty and respect and if you can make it work without monogamy then that's fine for you.