I just got home from a funeral.....

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    Nov 24, 2009 5:35 PM GMT
    I went to my best friends sisters funeral today. She was a vibrant soul that lived life to the fullest and I thought the world of her. I wasn't that close to her so I was really there for moral support for my best friend...anyway....

    I signed the register book and then took the remembrance pamphlet and sat down and opened it up. It was really nice had all the family listed so lovely....

    It listed her Daughter, Then her sister and husband, her brother (my best friend), and listed her fiance as well which was all very nice.

    Then it struck me. It listed her sister and "husband" but my best friend has been with his partner for 8 years. Living together as one, as a couple sharing everything as one. Bills, hardships, ups and downs of life, other deaths on both sides of the family and etc. They are completely out to the family of course and everyone accepts them, but my best friends "boy friend" or "husband" wasn't listed.

    Obviously if the family had thought of it and requested they might have put it in there, I am not sure. It might not even be a big deal to my best friend as he is grieving over his sister right now...but it pissed me off!!!

    Here is a gay couple that have been together way longer than some marriages, that love each other and live as one but they don't even list them on a funeral remembrance pamphlet as being together, because you know why?

    Gays can't get married.

    Little things like this is what pisses me off. I try to live my life and not let some things get to me...I know people have religious reasons why they do what they do and believe what they believe....but I am sick of being treated differently...like our relationships don't matter, or aren't important enough to make the grade ya know?

    I just had to vent....really makes you realize how unfair and stupid this whole system is and hopefully one day people will wake up and recognize a loving, devoted, dedicated couple wether its two men or a man and a woman.

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    Nov 24, 2009 5:45 PM GMT
    I'm not sure about this one, since frankly I don't know the protocol for these sorts of listings. Whenever I'm stumped by a gay social problem, I try to see if there's a close straight analogy somewhere, that might help me.

    In this case, let's suppose your friend, the brother of the deceased, was straight and had a fiance or a live-in girlfriend. Would she be listed in the remembrance? Possibly not. That's usually limited to immediate family, to include by marriage.

    So I don't see it necessarily as a snub by his family. At the same time, I appreciate your point, that SOCIETY has snubbed your friend's partner, when it denies him married status.

    And I extend my condolences to your friend in his loss.
  • JP85257

    Posts: 3284

    Nov 24, 2009 6:06 PM GMT
    Oh Jeez...

    Off the cross please......
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    Nov 24, 2009 6:24 PM GMT
    Thoughtful, interesting and logical post, redbull. Thanks for sharing...you are right: When it comes down to love and death, the fix looks so simple doesn't it? Why would *anyone* not want to acknowledge that companionship, even if they were religious? It's about respect, and valuing one another.

    All are created equal, just some are more equal than others. icon_sad.gificon_rolleyes.gif
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    Nov 24, 2009 7:19 PM GMT
    Four years ago, I went with my then Boyfriend to Southern Utah for his Mother's funeral. She was young and bursting with life, so it was quite a shock.

    It was the first time I had met his family.
    It was my first time in Utah. In a small town of 3,500

    I was at the funeral home. My boyfriend and his father were privately viewing the body while the funeral director and I sat alone in his office. He was a crazy looking mountain man and I assumed he was bat shit insane survivalist Christian. He was asking me who I was and my relation to the deceased. I told him. He put his hand on my shoulder and told me that through a lot of people would disagree I was part of the family and had lost a mother. It was a simple recognition of family that would normally be given to a hetero couple.

    It didn't take much effort but it meant a lot to me and to my Boyfriend. A funeral isn't for the dead, it is for the living. Recognizing the living is important and I thank him for it.
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    Nov 24, 2009 8:24 PM GMT
    I actually used to work in a funeral home in Ohio as an Administrative Assistant. I can say with all certainty with our firm that the list of names that you refer to is provided by the family at the time either pre-arrangements are done or at-need arrangements are done. Being gay has nothing to do with it, and in fact, Red Vespa hit the nail on the head.

    I know of several families we served that had common law live in girlfriends of several years who were not listed in the memorial folder, and we had several families who had gay, lesbian and sometimes both couples in their family and both partners were listed together.

    A good funeral director will pick up on this and ask the family to verify the list and confirm who they want and don't want on there.

    FYI, My Mother was left out of the obituaries on my Paternal Great Grandparents and my Paternal Grandfather because of my spiteful aunt. Mom and Dad had been married over 20 years and she still didn't get recognized and neither did my uncle (My aunt's longsuffering husband).

    Please don't be offended over this as a gay rights issue. This is more a family issue which is very touchy as to who gets in and then in what order.
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    Nov 25, 2009 12:09 AM GMT
    Im so sorry to hear you had to go to a funeral today. I hope everyone is doing well considering. I know how you feel but i wont make this about me.
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    Nov 25, 2009 2:15 AM GMT
    ChicagoBriGuy saidI actually used to work in a funeral home in Ohio as an Administrative Assistant. I can say with all certainty with our firm that the list of names that you refer to is provided by the family at the time either pre-arrangements are done or at-need arrangements are done. Being gay has nothing to do with it, and in fact, Red Vespa hit the nail on the head.

    I know of several families we served that had common law live in girlfriends of several years who were not listed in the memorial folder, and we had several families who had gay, lesbian and sometimes both couples in their family and both partners were listed together.

    A good funeral director will pick up on this and ask the family to verify the list and confirm who they want and don't want on there.

    FYI, My Mother was left out of the obituaries on my Paternal Great Grandparents and my Paternal Grandfather because of my spiteful aunt. Mom and Dad had been married over 20 years and she still didn't get recognized and neither did my uncle (My aunt's longsuffering husband).

    Please don't be offended over this as a gay rights issue. This is more a family issue which is very touchy as to who gets in and then in what order.


    hey man...thanks for the response. I am sure if they would have insisted his bf be listed they might have done it I am not sure...Im the Bible belt, home of Jerry Falwell, and I just have my doubts. Like I said, my best friend is grieving over his sister and maybe they didn't even think about it at the time. But thats what kinda pisses me off. If they had been legally married it would have just been common practice to include the bf no questions asked ya know?

    I understand what your saying though, and I am probably making a bigger issue out of it than what it is, but it just really bothers me that our relationships don't seem to be taken seriously.
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    Nov 25, 2009 2:21 AM GMT
    redbull said
    ChicagoBriGuy saidI actually used to work in a funeral home in Ohio as an Administrative Assistant. I can say with all certainty with our firm that the list of names that you refer to is provided by the family at the time either pre-arrangements are done or at-need arrangements are done. Being gay has nothing to do with it, and in fact, Red Vespa hit the nail on the head.

    I know of several families we served that had common law live in girlfriends of several years who were not listed in the memorial folder, and we had several families who had gay, lesbian and sometimes both couples in their family and both partners were listed together.

    A good funeral director will pick up on this and ask the family to verify the list and confirm who they want and don't want on there.

    FYI, My Mother was left out of the obituaries on my Paternal Great Grandparents and my Paternal Grandfather because of my spiteful aunt. Mom and Dad had been married over 20 years and she still didn't get recognized and neither did my uncle (My aunt's longsuffering husband).

    Please don't be offended over this as a gay rights issue. This is more a family issue which is very touchy as to who gets in and then in what order.


    hey man...thanks for the response. I am sure if they would have insisted his bf be listed they might have done it I am not sure...Im the Bible belt, home of Jerry Falwell, and I just have my doubts. Like I said, my best friend is grieving over his sister and maybe they didn't even think about it at the time. But thats what kinda pisses me off. If they had been legally married it would have just been common practice to include the bf no questions asked ya know?

    I understand what your saying though, and I am probably making a bigger issue out of it than what it is, but it just really bothers me that our relationships don't seem to be taken seriously.



    I know what you are feeling. my god father has been with his partner for 25 years and their relationship is sometimes overlooked too. he got a wedding invitation a while ago for himself and a guest.
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    Nov 25, 2009 4:42 AM GMT
    Believe me, there are no shortage of mediocre funeral directors and stupid, insidious family members to boot!