my theory on being let down

  • natsimjac1988

    Posts: 109

    Nov 25, 2009 2:13 AM GMT
    ok so i have this theory on being rejected.

    we have all been in those situations before where we have met some really cool guy that we like, and we are talking to him and maybe going on a few dates, and then the guy loses interest in you.

    so the guy may do one of three things:
    1) actually come out and say that he's just not interested, and maybe even give you a reason for it. as we know, this rarely happens.

    2) the guy feels bad and keeps talking to you, but keeps putting off getting together again, or comes up with excuses, blah blah blah.

    3) the guy ceases all communication with you. stops answering phone calls, texts, online messages, etc.

    so my theory is that the third way is actually the one i prefer to be let down by. yes it hurts for those first few days that the guy stops talking to you, and you feel rejected and want to drink or whatever, but its clear. and i prefer it to being told directly because, hey lets face it, no one wants to hear about their faults. and i DEFINITELY prefer it to the second choice, when the guy doesnt want to hurt ur feelings and you keep trying, and it ends up going farther than it ever should, wasting your time and his.

    this recently happened to me, i met this guy and really liked him, but he kept putting off more dates after the first one, and i kept thinking about him because i didnt know how he really felt, always second guessing. i wish that he had just stopped talking to me period.

    however, thats just my own preference. how do you guys feel?


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    Nov 25, 2009 2:29 AM GMT
    I prefer the adult way of handling this type of situation. Talking it out. I mean, #2 and #3 from your list is what high school kids do.

    If I'm not getting good vibes from a guy I'm seeing or if I get the sense he's avoiding me, I'll ask him straight up how he feels the relationship is going. It's better to know right away, rather than sit around and wonder. You could be out there meeting new people, instead of wasting your time on a flaky guy.
  • natsimjac1988

    Posts: 109

    Nov 25, 2009 2:44 AM GMT
    i totally understand what you mean, but what if the guy is still new? like youve been talking for maybe a couple weeks or so, and have only been on a couple dates? isnt that too soon to be asking, "where are we?"
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    Nov 25, 2009 2:47 AM GMT
    natsimjac1988 saidi totally understand what you mean, but what if the guy is still new? like youve been talking for maybe a couple weeks or so, and have only been on a couple dates? isnt that too soon to be asking, "where are we?"


    In my experience - the bad signs usually show up early. We just choose to ignore them. The sooner you bring up concerns and questions, the more time you have to either work them out, develop a platonic friendship, or sever ties.
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    Nov 25, 2009 2:48 AM GMT
    I prefer option 1, while yes, it's never nice hearing what someone feels is a fault, to others that "fault" is the whole reason for attraction.

    Case in point.

    I've had a few guys reject me cause I'm to cocky.. do I stop being cocky? there are tons of guys out there that are turned into wild little beasts with me precisely because I can be a cocky little bastard who sometimes is waaaaaaay to over confident..

    your faults in his eyes aren't always faults in the eyes of everyone.
  • natsimjac1988

    Posts: 109

    Nov 25, 2009 2:53 AM GMT
    lilTanker saidI prefer option 1, while yes, it's never nice hearing what someone feels is a fault, to others that "fault" is the whole reason for attraction.

    Case in point.

    I've had a few guys reject me cause I'm to cocky.. do I stop being cocky? there are tons of guys out there that are turned into wild little beasts with me precisely because I can be a cocky little bastard who sometimes is waaaaaaay to over confident..

    your faults in his eyes aren't always faults in the eyes of everyone.


    thats so interesting that you said that, because i was recently accused of being cocky by a guy that i went on a date with... halfway through the date, he goes, "so you know you're pompous right?"
    lol definitely not one of my best times
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    Nov 25, 2009 2:59 AM GMT
    natsimjac1988 saidthats so interesting that you said that, because i was recently accused of being cocky by a guy that i went on a date with... halfway through the date, he goes, "so you know you're pompous right?"
    lol definitely not one of my best times

    HAHAHA pompous hehehe I always liked that word.

    There is a massive difference between being up ya self to being confident, strong and believing in your self, unfortunately some people can't or wont differentiate between the two.

    If you are finding a nice share of guys who go gaga over ya and your friends love you, then I personally wouldn't be concerned about it, there are better things to do.
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    Nov 25, 2009 3:12 AM GMT
    natsimjac1988 saidi totally understand what you mean, but what if the guy is still new? like youve been talking for maybe a couple weeks or so, and have only been on a couple dates? isnt that too soon to be asking, "where are we?"

    Couple of dates? That's a little different I guess. At the first sign of flakiness, you should probably move on. Like, if you suggest another date, and he gives you an excuse BUT doesn't offer a different day/time to go out.. then it's time to cut him loose.
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    Nov 25, 2009 3:42 AM GMT
    Well I'd rather he just told me he's not interested - you don't have to tell me my faults, because then I'll want to tell you yours. Just say "I'm not interested" or whatever is innocuous. If I'm not interested I'll just say the chemistry's not there for me - I don't go into the particulars.
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    Nov 25, 2009 10:05 AM GMT
    I'd prefer option. I agree with what someone said, options 2 and 3 are the type of shit I would expect in high school. This all goes back to the types of relationships gay guys have. Not every guy is either a fuck or a husband, there are shades in between. If there was something in me for you to go on a few dates with me, then why can't there be some sort of friendship or aquaintance between us? Guys don't have to be BFFs with all their friends, but a "hey, how ya doing?" if you saw each other in a club or at the gym or whatever doesn't cost you anything.
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    Nov 25, 2009 10:23 AM GMT
    adult approach, minus the "I feel I have to tell you everything I don´t like about you"....

    the other stuff is weak.
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    Nov 25, 2009 12:48 PM GMT
    Lostboy saidadult approach, minus the "I feel I have to tell you everything I don´t like about you"....


    No need for a total character assassination, a simple "It's not working" should do it.
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    Nov 25, 2009 1:33 PM GMT
    I only resort to #3 when all else fails.
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    Nov 25, 2009 1:43 PM GMT
    I'd prefer Option 1, while brutally painful, at least I know where you stand with me. Also it would help me to circumvent my tendency to spend a long time worrying...why haven't you called, did I say something, are you interested? So telling me upfront will hurt at first, but I will get the picture. This is the surgeon's approach...cut it off if it's not working.

    On the other hand, I care too much about other people's feelings so I let them down gently by gradually reducing the level of communication until it stops and hopefully they get the picture. I know I hate to have this option applied to me because I feel like I am being kept hanging on with a fake illusion of hope...this is the GP's approach...help them to cope lol!
  • drypin

    Posts: 1798

    Nov 25, 2009 9:50 PM GMT
    xrichx said
    natsimjac1988 saidi totally understand what you mean, but what if the guy is still new? like youve been talking for maybe a couple weeks or so, and have only been on a couple dates? isnt that too soon to be asking, "where are we?"

    Couple of dates? That's a little different I guess. At the first sign of flakiness, you should probably move on. Like, if you suggest another date, and he gives you an excuse BUT doesn't offer a different day/time to go out.. then it's time to cut him loose.


    This is one philosophy I live by. When guys say, "That time's not good for me," but offer no alternative, I hear "Thanks but no thanks," and move on.
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    Nov 25, 2009 10:00 PM GMT
    TexDef07 said
    Lostboy saidadult approach, minus the "I feel I have to tell you everything I don´t like about you"....


    No need for a total character assassination, a simple "It's not working" should do it.


    Agreed. Every one has their preferences. Key word here is "their" preferences. People come with them before then even meet us.

    We want our preferences respected and as adults we need to respect others. The fact that people decline us is about them, not us.

    "This is not working for me" should really be enough. Besides, the sooner you know, the faster you can move on to the next!

  • MercuryMax

    Posts: 713

    Nov 25, 2009 10:03 PM GMT
    Someone rejected you? I'm surprised. But you have to understand that preferences are NOT "faults". Just because it didn't work out and they tell you why, doesn't mean that there was fault involved. I have preferences and we all do, most don't admit to it. You just have to take it maturely and move on, I like getting the upfront let down, let's me know what went wrong, and if I can fix it in my own time, I might even try that so it doesn't stand in the way of someone else. I hate being ignored or told that they're just being busy, because I don't always think that its them rejecting me and that might keep my trying.
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    Nov 25, 2009 10:05 PM GMT
    jprichva said
    lilTanker saidyour faults in his eyes aren't always faults in the eyes of everyone.

    The reverse is true too. As someone once observed, no matter how perfect a guy seems to you, there is someone out there who is tired of his shit.


    and for every man that is tired of his shit there is another man tired of that mans shit also...
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    Nov 25, 2009 10:13 PM GMT
    Straight up tell me they're not interested for sure. Why dance around it or make someone wonder why you haven't answered their calls? Seems like a dick move to me, grow some balls and tell me you're not interested. So easy, no bullshit.
  • natsimjac1988

    Posts: 109

    Nov 25, 2009 11:58 PM GMT
    seems like i may be somewhat of an anomaly amongst gay guys, everyone here seems to think that the 1st choice is the best. and i totally can understand why. however, i maintain that i would just rather get the picture straight away without some awkward, "im not really interested, heres why" speech. but thanks for all the feedback, you guys are great icon_biggrin.gif