Dating multiple people at once.

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    Nov 27, 2009 5:21 PM GMT
    So I'm fairly new to dating, and a lot of the finer nuances escape me. One thing I'm quickly learning is that the more people I go out with the more I find out what works for me in a (potential) relationship and what doesn't work. That being said, I don't want to close myself off to meeting new people even if I'm already dating someone (I've made the mistake, several times, of believing the person I was dating was absolutely THE one, only to be proved extremely wrong).

    In and of itself I don't think there is anything wrong with this, as long as there is complete honesty on my part to the person I'm dating that I am also going out with other people. However, is brutal honesty necessary in every single instance? If said person asks me if I want to do something and I can't because I have plans with someone else, do I simply say "I'm sorry, I can't that day", or should I say "I'm sorry but Suitor B is taking me to the Berkshires on that weekend". When does delicate prudence turn into deceit? Complete honesty into inconsiderate cynicism? Am I just a horrible slut for wanting to date multiple people at once?
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    Nov 27, 2009 7:46 PM GMT

    Nope. Not slutty.
    I was always clear each and every time that I was dating more than one person. If I was asked out by two guys for the same day, I'd just say that was going to a movie or whatever with Joe or Bob or Mahmoud or Franz and offered up another day when I was free.
    They were welcome to do the same.

    .........OK, there was this one time....I was dating three French Canadians, one of them a girl. This went merrily along for several weeks and one day Guy asked me for dinner at his place.

    Well surprise surprise! When I got there Nicole and Francois were also there! I nearly went through the floor. They grinned amicably and I found out over the course of dinner that they had all been comparing notes for some time!LOL! Nicole graciously (as only the French can seem to do with such flair and aplomb) said that at one point I should really decide on one of them. The guys snickered.


    -Doug of meninlove
  • drypin

    Posts: 1798

    Nov 27, 2009 11:27 PM GMT
    Ciarsolo, it sounds like you're doing the dating thing the right way. I wouldn't spend too much time detailing the reasons you aren't available at a specific time or date, just politely say that doesn't work and offer an alternative or two.

    And thank the heavens there's enough interest and opportunity out there to date more than one guy. icon_smile.gif
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    Nov 27, 2009 11:38 PM GMT
    a simple "I've other plans then, hows about this day" is all that's needed.

    The "I've other plans" says your busy (of course) and the "hows about this day" closes off the invitation to questions nicely.

    you don't want to invite questions because your hiding anything but simply because at that early stage he doesn't need to know anything beyond you being busy, if he does ask questions you answer honestly.
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    Nov 28, 2009 6:44 PM GMT
    I hate it when guys expect me to not see other people.
    I work and I study, so I don't have a lot of free time on my hands. The weekend is all I've got, so of course I'm gonna go out with as much people as I can. Sometimes I go on 2-3 dates a day. I don't like doing it, especially if all of them wanna kiss ( icon_lol.gif ), but sometimes it happens... and so what?!

    Once a guy was offended because I told him I have a date the next day. It was so ridiculous...

  • Nov 28, 2009 6:52 PM GMT
    meninlove said
    Nope. Not slutty.
    I was always clear each and every time that I was dating more than one person. If I was asked out by two guys for the same day, I'd just say that was going to a movie or whatever with Joe or Bob or Mahmoud or Franz and offered up another day when I was free.
    They were welcome to do the same.

    .........OK, there was this one time....I was dating three French Canadians, one of them a girl. This went merrily along for several weeks and one day Guy asked me for dinner at his place.

    Well surprise surprise! When I got there Nicole and Francois were also there! I nearly went through the floor. They grinned amicably and I found out over the course of dinner that they had all been comparing notes for some time!LOL! Nicole graciously (as only the French can seem to do with such flair and aplomb) said that at one point I should really decide on one of them. The guys snickered.


    -Doug of meninlove



    OMG LOL!!! i would have died!
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    Nov 28, 2009 6:59 PM GMT
    Ciarsolo7 saidSo I'm fairly new to dating, and a lot of the finer nuances escape me. One thing I'm quickly learning is that the more people I go out with the more I find out what works for me in a (potential) relationship and what doesn't work. That being said, I don't want to close myself off to meeting new people even if I'm already dating someone (I've made the mistake, several times, of believing the person I was dating was absolutely THE one, only to be proved extremely wrong).

    In and of itself I don't think there is anything wrong with this, as long as there is complete honesty on my part to the person I'm dating that I am also going out with other people. However, is brutal honesty necessary in every single instance? If said person asks me if I want to do something and I can't because I have plans with someone else, do I simply say "I'm sorry, I can't that day", or should I say "I'm sorry but Suitor B is taking me to the Berkshires on that weekend". When does delicate prudence turn into deceit? Complete honesty into inconsiderate cynicism? Am I just a horrible slut for wanting to date multiple people at once?


    You're not a slut... I would just say that I had plans...

    PS, what are you doing later ;-)
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Nov 28, 2009 7:01 PM GMT
    I don't mind dating more than one guy at a time, and it seems when it rains it pours. I won't get a date with a desirable guy for a couple months.....then bamm, two desirable guys want to date me at the same time.

    But I do have a bit of a guideline, from the old tv show Kate & Allie(where I have gotten all of my relationship rules). Three weeks is usually the limit to date more than one guy. At that point I will decide to only date the one guy I find most compatible. Or maybe I brake it off with both. I guess I don't like to waste anyones time. Oh, and I usually don't date guys that just want sex or to casually date and have no plans of a monogamous relationship in their future.

    I would likely never have 2 or 3 dates on the same day.

    I personally don't think it is fair to date multiple guys for a long period of time. For me, it feels like I am not taking their considerations seriously.
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    Nov 28, 2009 7:04 PM GMT

    Not slutty, but if you don't like DRAMA stop dating multiple people. If you haven't gotten tapped on the shoulder yet, IT WILL HAPPEN. Oh, brings back memories. I can recall a twink and a bear squaring off over me on a crowded dance floor. That was awesome!!



  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Nov 28, 2009 7:16 PM GMT
    GuiltyGear said
    Not slutty, but if you don't like DRAMA stop dating multiple people. If you haven't gotten tapped on the shoulder yet, IT WILL HAPPEN. Oh, brings back memories. I can recall a twink and a bear squaring off over me on a crowded dance floor. That was awesome!!





    Well it is a rare occurrence when I tell someone that is interested in dating me that "I have other plans that day" and they don't have multiple follow up questions. And then next time you see him he is like "how did that play go that your niece was in that you went to" and your like "what are you talking about? uh oh....."
  • dannyboy1101

    Posts: 977

    Nov 28, 2009 7:25 PM GMT
    I think it's fine. As for the line of what is honest versus what is just plain too much information, I say keep it vague ("I have plans that day") until the question comes up. I had a date once tell me "Now we're not exclusive or anything..." and so on and I felt really awkward since we were in the middle of our second date. Of course I didn't assume that. I would assume that he was dating other guys, but I didn't need to hear about them. I think that's just strange date conversation.
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    Nov 28, 2009 7:32 PM GMT
    Thanks for the advice! I'm by no means beating guys off with a stick and in fact I haven't been in an actual situation where someone's asked me out on a day that I had another date. However the prospect (for the first time in my life) seemed imminent in the near future and kind of freaked out at the thought of that situation.

    But I definitely agree with Celticmusl on a time frame where at some point you are dating someone long enough to merit not seeing other people and focus on them (for me anyway, I'm personally centered on finding monogamy I can nourish for the long haul). I guess the insecurity in me would fear the relationship I'm in won't work out and I threw away any chances at others that could have.
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    Nov 28, 2009 7:47 PM GMT
    heheh, MindBodyDisconnect, interestingly it didn't phase me a bit. It was after all the 70s and experimentation was expected.

    To tie up the loose ends, this is what happened. Nicole and Guy took off to the club as Guy had a tryst waiting there, a handsome Filipino man, and Nicole had a date with the bi bartender. Francois cane back to my place and we nested for a couple of days.

    I picked one - exactly the wrong one. Francois as it turned out had set up a three way with two guys coming up from SanFran. He was so organized. When he saw the little red hearts in my eyes it was over. lol!

    Oh well, those were wonderful, fun, romantic, sorrowful, angst ridden times, that helped develop me as person.


    -Doug
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    Nov 28, 2009 8:11 PM GMT
    There's a fine line between being honest and being rude. Moments present themselves where you can be honest without being hurtful. I'm always very clear that I am not monogamous or exclusive until there is a 'sit down' discussion about it and what exactly those things mean.

    I don't divulge information about specific guys I'm dating or "if" I'm going on a date unless asked directly. "I have other plans with a friend." Is totally sufficient, for me only a boyfriend has the right to inquire about the nature of my other relationships. As someone that I'm casually dating, if they ask me directly they have to accept the responsibility to deal with whatever information is given like an adult, and they forfeit their right to project any anger or hurt at me.

    Those are my dating rules, I play by them and expect others to as well.
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    Nov 28, 2009 8:15 PM GMT
    You are not a slut for dating multiple people at once. If you are out and dating, you are going to be going out with several people until you find someone decent. I don't think it is so bad if some of the dates happen to overlap. When you find a guy worth the time, you will make sure that he is the only one you are seeing.
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    Nov 28, 2009 8:18 PM GMT
    I feel that as long as everyone knows the conditions, you're fine. That's how I operate. If I'm seeing more than one person at a time, both of them know that. I do all of us a favor and make sure that they don't know who the other person is, because I'd rather not have all that drama, but if you're upfront about everything I don't see why people need to be all up in your business.

    Though it happens, most guys will call you a slut, and they'll end up talking shit about you to everyone they know...or maybe that's just my experience with it. Good Luck!
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    Nov 28, 2009 8:19 PM GMT
    You dont owe anyone an explanation. If you have plans simply say that and offer to make a date that works better for you and him. He doesnt need to know that you are dating someone else and Im sure he doesnt care to know either.
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    Nov 28, 2009 9:06 PM GMT
    depends what you see dating as... If it´s just meeting up with a friend who might become more that´s one thing. if you are promising to marry both of them then that is something else.

    You´d have to beat me off with a stick icon_wink.gif
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19138

    Nov 28, 2009 9:08 PM GMT
    If I'm not in a committed relationship, I like to keep any and all options open with a backup plan firmly in place. icon_cool.gif
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Nov 28, 2009 9:18 PM GMT
    well I guess for me personally, if I know a guy is dating multiple guy(s) as well as myself with no intentions of just dating one of the guys at some point, I have a hard time considering them as someone I should pursue. I just feel that they should be spending their time with someone else that doesn't play for keeps.

    Seriously, if you calculate it, and everyone plays this way, your going to bed with thousands of guys in one night because there is no end to it. It's like that shampoo commercial "He's with two guys, and they're with two guys, and so on, and so on, and so on...ack....don't wanna think about it.
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    Nov 28, 2009 9:22 PM GMT
    Ciarsolo7 saidSo I'm fairly new to dating, and a lot of the finer nuances escape me. One thing I'm quickly learning is that the more people I go out with the more I find out what works for me in a (potential) relationship and what doesn't work. That being said, I don't want to close myself off to meeting new people even if I'm already dating someone (I've made the mistake, several times, of believing the person I was dating was absolutely THE one, only to be proved extremely wrong).

    In and of itself I don't think there is anything wrong with this, as long as there is complete honesty on my part to the person I'm dating that I am also going out with other people. However, is brutal honesty necessary in every single instance? If said person asks me if I want to do something and I can't because I have plans with someone else, do I simply say "I'm sorry, I can't that day", or should I say "I'm sorry but Suitor B is taking me to the Berkshires on that weekend". When does delicate prudence turn into deceit? Complete honesty into inconsiderate cynicism? Am I just a horrible slut for wanting to date multiple people at once?


    I appreciate your struggle!

    I have the same sort of 'moral' issue with dating more than one person at once. My issue is that... its hard to keep a guy interested if you dont do anything physical after a few dates. And at that point, I feel like a dirty slut (even if we just made out) going out and kissing someone else.

    Also, as much as I feel being able to date more than one person is a 'good' thing.... I feel that its also part of the problem that is so widespread... no one will commit.... because the culture says we dont have to.

    As far as telling suitor A what you're doing when you have another date planned... I'd just say, "sorry, I have a dinner planned with one of my friends..." most guys wouldnt inquire more than that, I dont think. Just keep it vague with a hint of detail (if that makes any sense... ie, make them feel that you're giving them details when you really arent). haha. I guess that makes me sound like a jerk. Sigh. I'm really not. I promise. icon_sad.gif
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    Nov 28, 2009 9:32 PM GMT
    Celticmusl saidwell I guess for me personally, if I know a guy is dating multiple guy(s) as well as myself with no intentions of just dating one of the guys at some point, I have a hard time considering them as someone I should pursue. I just feel that they should be spending their time with someone else that doesn't play for keeps.

    Seriously, if you calculate it, and everyone plays this way, your going to bed with thousands of guys in one night because there is no end to it. It's like that shampoo commercial "He's with two guys, and they're with two guys, and so on, and so on, and so on...ack....don't wanna think about it.


    ooers someones a lil pent up sweety.
    that works for any man not just a man your multidating ;)
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    Nov 28, 2009 9:33 PM GMT
    lilTanker saida simple "I've other plans then, hows about this day" is all that's needed.



    Totally agree.

    On the topic, I think you should be careful when dating multiple people. Peoples feelings don't eventuate the same way in the same time. Someone is going to get hurt (which is what happens in life), but he's going to get hurt more because you chose someone else he didn't even know he was competing against.
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Nov 28, 2009 10:27 PM GMT
    lilTanker said
    Celticmusl saidwell I guess for me personally, if I know a guy is dating multiple guy(s) as well as myself with no intentions of just dating one of the guys at some point, I have a hard time considering them as someone I should pursue. I just feel that they should be spending their time with someone else that doesn't play for keeps.

    Seriously, if you calculate it, and everyone plays this way, your going to bed with thousands of guys in one night because there is no end to it. It's like that shampoo commercial "He's with two guys, and they're with two guys, and so on, and so on, and so on...ack....don't wanna think about it.


    ooers someones a lil pent up sweety.
    that works for any man not just a man your multidating ;)


    Good point, totally true! But it is a numbers game and with someone that dates monogamously there is a definitive number instead of an endless number. I don't think just because you start dating a guy that means you should be monogamous from the first day. But after some period of time I want it to be monogamous or I don't see a point to it, this is how I play.

    I do have a good friend which will date more than one guy at the same time and let them know it is not exclusive dating, and he is such an honest guy that I really admire him for it. But other friends talk about him like he's a playa. To each his own I say.
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    Nov 28, 2009 11:14 PM GMT
    Celticmusl saidGood point, totally true! But it is a numbers game and with someone that dates monogamously there is a definitive number instead of an endless number. I don't think just because you start dating a guy that means you should be monogamous from the first day. But after some period of time I want it to be monogamous or I don't see a point to it, this is how I play.

    I do have a good friend which will date more than one guy at the same time and let them know it is not exclusive dating, and he is such an honest guy that I really admire him for it. But other friends talk about him like he's a playa. To each his own I say.

    How other people talk about him is of no consequence, others should mind there own business and let him be happy instead of trying to rip him down to there level.

    Of course after a while something more "monogamous" would hopefully begin, however in the early stages (say, first two months) you don't know the person that well, you aren't going to exclude other options and it keeps things interesting.

    after a while though a choice does need to be made and stuck with, continually dating others doesn't really work unless you aren't really all that interested in any of them and are just looking for some fun.