The Ex-Boyfriend Connection

  • MercuryMax

    Posts: 713

    Nov 29, 2009 2:12 AM GMT
    TrueLove.jpg

    I've only had one real boyfriend. We dated for 8months and I fell in love with him. He said he loved me. Things got complicated later on and I broke up with him. Yet, I was the heartbroken one.

    I didn't start talkin to anyone again til about 1.5yrs later, then I didn't start looking for someone to date til about 2yrs after we broke up. 4years later I decided to try another relationship out with someone I thought was suitable. I broke up with him after 3 weeks because I wasn't developing any feelings for him. We had talked longer than 3 weeks but, only were serious for those 3. I don't consider that really being in a relationship. To each their own tho.

    Getting to the point, its been 4yrs later and I've been in contact with my first exbf off and on throughout this whole time. Well I move back to Louisiana, which is where we met. We live an hour away from each other instead of 12hours. We went out to a movie together a couple of saturdays ago and we both had a great time with each other.

    I was trying to keep my cool around him the whole time, but on the inside I was melting in his presence. He doesn't know how much he means to me. I'm trying to play it safe with him, because i dont want him to hurt me again. After the movie at the theater, we stayed in the parking lot for 3hours just talking to each other, getting to know each other.

    He apologized for the things he did that hurt me, which meant a whole lot to me. I was still trying to play it cool though. He told me he still thinks of me. I told him that I hate to think about him cause I dont want to get caught up in him again and get hurt. At the end of the night, we gave each other a hug, neither of us would let go. At that time, he said "I love holding you Max" and I replied back with "I love you holding me too" . Then eventually I backed away, trying to play it cool. While backing away from the warm embrace, I leaned in for a kiss and then quickly stopped myself....then we said our goodbyes and parted ways.

    Since then I've been trying to stay strong. I would love to see us back together, but I dont wanna be played with and I dont want him to hurt me again. So for a while I wouldn't contact him until he contacted me first. After the movie, he did just that. He would text me and see whats up and I would start up a conversation. Earlier this week, he said he would try to come visit me, which was an idea I liked. However, we never made solid plans for when. Now its nearing the end of the week and he still hasn't made it to me. I dont want to seem desperate and keep asking him to come see me or keep asking him to hang out. Although for the past couple of days, I broke my rule, and I started to contact him first. If I start talking about feelings, I'm sure it will drive him away if its too soon.

    So what do I do?

    How do I know if he's trying to get serious again or not?

    What do I do to help things move along if he is serious?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 29, 2009 2:35 AM GMT

    MercuryMax, you melted us. We had to turn off the furnace and open the window to re-solidify so Doug could type this out while I paced back and forth spouting ideas.

    In the end, we both came back to this, "Although for the past couple of days, I broke my rule, and I started to contact him first. If I start talking about feelings, I'm sure it will drive him away if its too soon."

    ....and decided that you have a lot of water under your bridge with him and it should be OK to talk a little about feelings because it's not as though you're strangers and new to each other.

    You may as well find out if it's going to go anywhere; you're both adults, and you can speak about feelings without pressure if you just state your case calmly and with some humour.

    please let us know how it goes, if you do!

    -Bill
  • baldone

    Posts: 826

    Nov 29, 2009 2:49 AM GMT
    i say with your past with him, it would not hurt to bring it up gently and slowly as you need to guard your heart from getting hurt again, but also would be nice to know if he is feeling the same thing happening again that you are...good luck and hope all works out :icon_smile.gif
  • MercuryMax

    Posts: 713

    Nov 29, 2009 3:03 AM GMT
    Hehe, I'm glad I can always count on you guys for some input. The reason why I'm afraid to get into feelings with him is because I've tried it before after we broke up. There were two different times where I had the idea of just proposing to him, however when we started talking about feelings, he just seemed to take things the wrong way....partly because I also wanted to talk about him hurting me so much. When we talked for 3 hours, we talked very little about it, but I got what I wanted out of him. An Apology. So I don't have to bring up any negative past comments to him. Here, read this, and maybe you can get a feel for what he is... This conversation was said to him while I was in iraq over facebook...:

    Max
    Larry I'm begging u just for a second chance...just a second chance... I love everything about you. I thought we were perfect for each other....you just don't understand how hard this is for me. I'll do anything...

    You were my everything...I need you back. I always have. I'll be so good to u



    Larry
    Max I'm sorry but if you keep this up then I really will say Goodbye. I will be your friend and I'll be there for you. But only as a friend. If you try to push for something else max then you wont even have that friendship from me.



    Max
    Well, dayuuum, dude. I guess since u put it that way. I have no choice but to just sit on the sidelines. I just hope you wonder why you made such a stupid choice one day.


    Larry
    wow max you know; you have really change. You are not the same person I cared about all those yrs ago. Now.. You have really just showed me why I wont go back down that path with you again.



    Max
    what am i supposed to do Larry, just sit back and cry because you really hurt me again. I am supposed to show you how much anguish i'm in because you've told me that you could never love me the way i love you again. Well to let u know, I am feeling all of that, I almost cried in front of my coworker when we were talking online. But i wasn't goin to let u know how much u hurt me, because it wouldn't do any good. I really don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore. I really thought you were going to be my one. I mean, I'm crying as I write this now. I dont know what to do about my feelings for u.

    And do you want to know what the worst part about all of this is. I never wanted to break up with you. I loved you with all of my heart. But I broke up with you to show you what you were doing to me. To show you that you weren't making time to be with me, to show you how much you hurt me when you wouldn't try to call me, to show me that when I travelled 12hours after a deployment in turkey that you still didn't see me as a priority. I was willing to do anything for you. I stood up to my parents for you, I was loyal to you, I travelled for you, I was willing to move you to me and take care of you while you finished school, I told everyone how proud I was of you, I knew for sure in my heart how good of a person i thought you really were. And although this apparently never really affected you. The ironic thing is, it only made me more insecure, and bitter, and depressed, cold towards others and I don't even know what went wrong or why you stopped loving me..and after all that I can't even force myself to hate you even tho i wish i could.....someday i hope you can just understand the pain and hurt you put me through, because when i said
    "I love you", I actually meant it. You can't even imagine what you meant to me. I never stopped loving you. You stopped loving me. So don't tell me I'm the one who's changed


    I do admit, I was pushing too hard too fast for something to happen again between us at that time. He is a good man, and he says he still loves me, but I don't know what to do....or how to approach it.
  • MercuryMax

    Posts: 713

    Nov 29, 2009 3:10 AM GMT
    We're not like that to each other in person......and like i said, I think I was just pushing too hard. That conversation actually turned bad whenever I told him that I had talked to one of his exboyfriends to see if he was single or not still. So he got really upset over that. Then the conversation just turned awry.
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    Nov 29, 2009 3:28 AM GMT
    This made painful reading. You must be feeling terribly hurt to post something as intimate as this.

    I think your relationship with him would improve if you didn't make yourself so vulnerable. It creates too great an imbalance of power. That could be one reason why he may not be comfortable with the intensity of your emotions. It would help if you were to project a stronger sense of your own strength and self-worth. It is easier to build intimacy and trust if each partner feels the other is his peer, not his worshipper.

    You deserve better -- good luck.
  • MercuryMax

    Posts: 713

    Nov 29, 2009 3:33 AM GMT
    I totallt agree with you there, and since that conversation, i did a lot of confidence building and became that stronger person. That is why I've laid rules for myself on communicating with him, so that he sees the new strong person and not the old vulnerable one.
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    Nov 29, 2009 3:39 AM GMT
    MercuryMax saidSo what do I do?

    Contact him and see him. There are times when the heart should supersede the mind. You want to, so just do it.
  • MercuryMax

    Posts: 713

    Nov 29, 2009 4:28 AM GMT
    seeing him is a lil more diificult done than said, hes always busy
  • MercuryMax

    Posts: 713

    Nov 29, 2009 4:53 AM GMT
    When the conversation happened, i made a blog about it....thats why i still had it.
  • creature

    Posts: 5197

    Nov 29, 2009 5:09 AM GMT
    Max,

    I'd have to advise you to not continue seeing him.

    You try to remain strong, but yet it seems like you're always giving in. Based on his actions, I cannot imagine him making the type of commitment you want, especially if you were considering proposing to this man.

    You deserve better than this.
  • MercuryMax

    Posts: 713

    Nov 29, 2009 5:22 AM GMT
    I wouldnt say i'm giving in very much at all really. I have thoughts about it, but I keep myself from doin it. As for deserving better, I'll stay open to that, although I've yet to meet someone who makes me feel the way he does.
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    Nov 29, 2009 5:30 AM GMT
    hmmm, I have a few things to contribute.

    I have been on the other guys side before. Sometimes a guy can want you so much that it scares you into thinking, "shit, if something goes wrong, I will really hurt this guy". And I could not have handled his perpetual heart break.

    Even though the other guy was the sweetest guy I ever knew, I could not handle his pain all the time. As strong as I was, even I needed someone to lean on. But the other guy seemed so fragile I was afraid of breaking him.

    So I broke up with him when he forced the issue of "do you really love me" Well of course I did, but it seemed I could never convince him. And it was painful for me to watch what he went through. I still think he was the sweetest guy I ever knew .. so many good qualities.

    Your "true love story" header says it all. It can be very scary to some. I will tell you this: In order to really love someone you must be really willing to let them go before it is too late. Most humans know heartbreak .. almost all of us go through it as a part of the human condition. However, it is very survivable. The more you go through, the better you can become at handling it. When you can handle it, the other guy will sense it, and the relationship won't be so scary to him.

    You have to realize that the other person has needs too, and the pace of growth between you two may not be the same. Before you can master a relationship, you must master yourself, or find a guy who can walk that path at your same pace.
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    Nov 29, 2009 5:32 AM GMT
    One more thing, I know you have heard it before, but really there are MANY guys out there that can complement you and help you find happiness. Don't get hung up on this one guy or it will ruin your chance to be happy with someone else. Maybe someone way better for you that you can even imagine because your state of mind.
  • MercuryMax

    Posts: 713

    Nov 29, 2009 5:46 AM GMT
    Now-a-days, I can just as easily move on from him as any other guy. The reason why I am still open to the idea of getting back together with him is because I still do love him. That doesn't mean I can't move on. I just want to give us another chance, because I believe in love that can hold through both bad and good times. True love. I dont know if he feels the same way about me, but if he didn't, then we would have forgotten about each other a long time ago.

    I've met guys that are handsome, and well built and even met ones combined with a good personality that liked me. However, I have to just say, there is just something special about him. All I seek to know of are his intentions and what he feels. If he had the intentions of only being friends, then i think our hug would have been shorter, he wouldn't have said that he still thinks about me, and that he wouldn't have told me how he loved to hold me. Any thoughts on that?

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    Nov 29, 2009 5:54 AM GMT
    Maybe he's changed his mind about the friendship only bit.


    The only way to know for sure is to go find out.


    It sure sounds like you really want to date this guy, nothing wrong with that, just be cautious.
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    Nov 29, 2009 5:56 AM GMT
    MercuryMax saidAny thoughts on that?

    I don't know .. you sound kind of like my ex did. Didn't he already tell you how he felt? You may be that sweet guy that makes him feel guilty for not being able to be the person you wanted. I still love my ex too, but that doesn't mean we were right for each other at the time.

    Maybe you are hearing what you want to hear. Maybe he is confused. You can't fix every broken person.
  • MercuryMax

    Posts: 713

    Nov 29, 2009 6:01 AM GMT
    ActiveAndFit said
    MercuryMax saidAny thoughts on that?

    I don't know .. you sound kind of like my ex did. Didn't he already tell you how he felt? You may be that sweet guy that makes him feel guilty for not being able to be the person you wanted. I still love my ex too, but that doesn't mean we were right for each other at the time.

    Maybe you are hearing what you want to hear. Maybe he is confused. You can't fix every broken person.


    This is what I'm aiming to find out. I think we're drawing away from the fact that I'm asking how to do it....besides, he's not broken, nor am i. No fixing required.

    I already pretty much know the situation and possible scenarios. Yes I do want to date him, but can and will move on if he's not feeling the same way.

    One thing i just realized though, here I am blogging about him, while he's probably at home playing video games without concern. Damn I wish I could just read minds.
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    Nov 29, 2009 6:04 AM GMT
    MercuryMax saidThis is what I'm aiming to find out. I think we're drawing away from the fact that I'm asking how to do it....

    I already pretty much know the situation and possible scenarios. Yes I do want to date him, but can and will move on if he's not feeling the same way.

    One thing i just realized though, here I am blogging about him, while he's probably at home playing video games without concern. Damn I wish I could just read minds.
    And if he tells you he only wants to be friends and he can never go back to a relationship like before? How would you feel? Honestly ..

    It seems to me you can just ask him how he feels ..
  • MercuryMax

    Posts: 713

    Nov 29, 2009 6:07 AM GMT
    Let me be honest, it would be a let down. I wouldn't be broken up about it though. I don't think I would allow us to be friends though, at least not friends that see each other all the time. Otherwise, I would just move on. I've met some interesting people here. I don't want to get too interested in them before I know certain about my ex.

    I think its too soon for a direct approach like asking him how he feels. I dont want him to think that I'm expecting him to want it or feel the same way.
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    Nov 29, 2009 6:15 AM GMT
    I am not trying to be hurtful, but I think you are not ready for a relationship with him regardless of how he feels.
  • MercuryMax

    Posts: 713

    Nov 29, 2009 6:22 AM GMT
    Well you know you're going to have to explain that one, otherwise i'll have to take it as a low-blow.
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    Nov 29, 2009 6:26 AM GMT
    hey MercuryMax, "I think its too soon for a direct approach like asking him how he feels."

    When would be the right time, then?
  • MercuryMax

    Posts: 713

    Nov 29, 2009 6:33 AM GMT
    well its been 4 yrs since we've been in each others' presence aside from the movie date, so I think we need to get to know each other again.
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    Nov 29, 2009 6:33 AM GMT
    MercuryMax saidWell you know you're going to have to explain that one, otherwise i'll have to take it as a low-blow.

    Well a lot of it is just experience of having been in that situation, but also you want him more than you are willing to recognize. You admit you would be hurt, yet you are afraid of asking him for fear of driving him away. It could be the exact sort of behavior that caused the problem.

    I think you are really crying inside even if you are the sweetest guy in the world. You like a guy that can be assertive, but sometimes the other guy needs you to be assertive and bold too.

    No matter how much you like the other person being assertive, you need to be able to stand on your own feet and not so dependent on him.