Hey guys...I'm having a lot of trouble and would love some advice!!!

  • alexvush

    Posts: 9

    Dec 01, 2009 6:04 AM GMT
    Ok, so, like most things, this needs a bit of back story.

    I am an eighteen year old senior in high school, and I have two best friends. One of whom is a girl that I dated a while ago but ever since coming out to her we have just been inseparable friends. My other friend, with whom I only recently developed a close friendship, is a senior guy in my school. About three months ago I came out to him, and since then we have become true best friends. The fact that I came out to him didn't cause us to be best friends, it was just a step in our getting to know one another.

    Anyway, our relationship is very weird. We text almost all day every day, and when he drives to and from work he usually calls me to talk. When I say we text often, I mean if we have nothing to do for an hour we will text upwards of 70 messages each back and forth in that hour alone.

    Now, in the beginning I only viewed him platonically. He is straight, and I was sure of this. I had never ever been attracted to a straight guy before, and the vast majority of my friends are straight men. However, I think this strange friendship we had, which honestly is kind of like a relationship minus anything sexual, caused me to develop feelings for him. Since then these feelings have just amplified.

    Now, even though I might like him more than platonically, it is only a crush. I truly love him platonically, and never want to lose his friendship. We often tell each other we love each other. On a not so gay note lol, we mainly discuss his female love interests and how he can get a girlfriend.

    This was all fine and good until a few weeks ago. I picked him up at about 10 in the morning and we hung out until around 5. I needed to drop something off at my grandmother's work, but when I pulled into the parking lot and parked, he reclined his seat and told me to do the same so we could talk. We just chatted for a while about nothing really, but the entire time I felt really awkward. It was a little too romantic, and I felt like he was giving me vibes. I instantly put that out my head though, and just brought him home about an hour later.

    That night he texts me saying that in the car outside my grandmother's work he felt a desire to "either get closer to me or run away". Also, he said he felt a momentary desire to kiss me. I obviously asked him if he liked me, and he said no. He just had this one moment of thinking "what if we were to date", and he also wanted to kiss me and be closer to me.

    My question for you all is, what do I think of this? My own feelings aside, being his best friend should I look more into this? Is he possibly bisexual and hiding it from himself? He assures me this was insignificant, but I'm not so sure.

    On my own end, this has given me false hope. Before I accepted that I liked him but nothing would ever happen. As I'm sure you all can imagine, this whole gave me so many mixed messages.

    I just want any and all advice please! I'm really confused and do not want to lose him as a friend. Thx!
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    Dec 01, 2009 6:26 AM GMT
    If he says he's straight I wouldn't do anything with him. Don't ruin your friendship. Although the car outside od Grandma's def sounds like it was flirting I would pretend it never happend. If he continues to flirt that way maybe bring it to his attention. But don't overanalyze this I'd hate to see you ruin your friendship. He may very well be bi or gay but if he's not comfortable with his sexuality he may freak out if you two end up doing something.
  • alexvush

    Posts: 9

    Dec 01, 2009 6:40 AM GMT
    Thanks so much! I really do kind of agree. It's just a matter of being torn between romantic feelings and platonic feelings for him. My main priority is to maintain our friendship, but he has been pushing me away ever since this happened. I feel like he is sub-consciously trying to "eliminate" the thing (me) that made him question his sexuality, even if it was momentarily.

    All I can do, and all I've been doing, is telling him that whoever he is I will love just the same. Straight, gay, bi, whatever, and he can always talk to me about it. Is that the right route to take? I mean, this might be totally naive, but can a guy actually like girls until he's 17 but then develop a crush on a guy?

    There's one last thing that might be important. He also revealed that this feeling of a momentary desire to kiss a guy has happened before like 3 other times in his life. It only ever happened once with the other guys. However, it happened twice with me. Once in the school cafeteria and then, as you all know, outside of my grandmother's work.

    Thanks so much for the advice it helps more than you know!
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    Dec 01, 2009 6:41 AM GMT
    TKD20 saidIf he says he's straight I wouldn't do anything with him. Don't ruin your friendship. Although the car outside od Grandma's def sounds like it was flirting I would pretend it never happend. If he continues to flirt that way maybe bring it to his attention. But don't overanalyze this I'd hate to see you ruin your friendship. He may very well be bi or gay but if he's not comfortable with his sexuality he may freak out if you two end up doing something.


    Ditto!
  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Dec 01, 2009 6:43 AM GMT
    remember you can't go back to holding hands after you kiss someone! Meaning it would change thisngs forever and possibly end the friendship.
  • alexvush

    Posts: 9

    Dec 01, 2009 6:47 AM GMT
    Yeah I get what you mean. Just some more info that I keep realizing might be significant (?): when I say our relationship is weird, I mean it is very abonormal for two teenage boys.

    He often addresses me as "bbygrl" or "pancakeface" (don't ask lol),

    I sometimes call him "boytoy" because he finds it funny, even though it secretly makes me a little uncomfortable.

    But really, all advice is appreciated!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 01, 2009 11:58 AM GMT
    keep the male bonding going on this open track
    instead of texting u might want to try talking
    give him space to see where his feeling lead

    as u say platonic/romantic can be very confusing
    how about looking at it as just a close friend u can talk to
    u know your gay , he,s not sure where he fits in regards to his feelings

    take a step back and let things develop
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    Dec 01, 2009 1:03 PM GMT
    My take is that labels like "gay" and straight" at your age are a bit meaningless. If this guy is verbalizing stuff like he is, he is at least intrigued by possibilities.

    It could be that it's nothing more than being excited about being connected with another guy in a way that perhaps he doesn't fully understand (and is therefore confused about).

    Or it could be that he's not so "straight" after all and that your friendship is a catalyst for him to explore his sexuality.

    Odds are friendships like this one will drift away as your lives start changing. College ... career ... life ... have a way of pulling high school chums apart. It doesn't minimize or negate the connection you feel today; it's just a fact of life.

    That's a challenge for the future. In the meantime, you have to figure out if the risk of losing the friendship is worth the chance of having something more.
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    Dec 01, 2009 1:18 PM GMT
    also remember at your age(s) that your still deciding your sexuality. For some of us that never ends but in your teens is a really intense time.

    He maybe testing the waters and wants to see what he thinks and he is comfortable and safe with you. Just be careful what you do and talk about it with him. Let him know your concerns and that your friendship mean more than a roll in the hay.

  • alexvush

    Posts: 9

    Dec 01, 2009 3:20 PM GMT
    I totally understand what you guys are saying. As far as he and I possibly "exploring curiosity" or "experimenting", not only would I not do that to our friendship (because I am well-aware of the risks), he is the kind of guy that is extremely happy and comfortable being straight and has no intentions of changing that. And I don't blame him for that one bit.

    I also need to clarify one thing: when he told me about having those feelings for me and other guys, he didn't tell me to try to initiate something. He told me that because in his mind those feelings are totally insignificant. In his mind, he is 100% straight and he does not want that to change. Because of that, I have no desire to change his perception of that.

    The reason I'm posting on this forum, though, is I was just wondering if feelings like that are normal for a straight teenager? I wouldn't know lol, but from a gay perspective I have never felt that way about a girl. So I guess what I'm asking is, is he right to believe those feelings, because they were purely momentary, are insignificant? Or is it my duty as his best friend to not just let him ignore these feelings that he's having?

    And in response to losing our friendship in college, I know that's rather likely. Granted, he wants to go to the same college and be roommates, but honestly I feel like that would be four more years of torture for me.

    But again, thanks so much for everything, really!

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 01, 2009 3:54 PM GMT
    lol, hey alexvush, Welcome to Realjock!

    Yes it's normal. So are you. He's figuring out his sexuality in a way that previous generations (like mine) did not have the open freedom to do.

    At this point in your life, and his, and everyone 'coming of age' so to speak, it's like standing in front of a row of doors and wondering..."Do I take door number one, two, or three? Shall I try them all? Maybe I'll just peek inside for a moment. Hmm, nice but not really me." etc etc.



    -Doug of meninloveicon_wink.gif

    Here, Kate can help explain....listen for the footsteps and the doors opening and closing...I've also posted the lyrics






    Just look at your father
    And you'll see how you took after him.
    Me, I'm just another
    Like my brothers
    Of my mother's genes.

    All they ever want for you
    Are the things they didn't do.
    All they ever wanted--a little clue.
    All they ever wanted--the truth.
    All they ever wanted--a little bit of you.
    All they ever wanted,
    But they never did get.

    The whims that we're weeping for
    Our parents would be beaten for

    Leave the breast
    And then the nest
    And then regret you ever left.

    All we're ever looking for
    Is another open door.
    All we ever look for--another womb.
    All we ever look for--our own tomb.
    All we ever look for--ooh, la lune.
    All we ever look for--a little bit of you, too.
    All we ever look for,
    But we never do score.

    All we ever look for--a god.
    All we ever look for--ooh, a drug.
    All we ever look for--a great big hug.
    All we ever look for--a little bit of you.
    All we ever look for--a little bit of you, too.
    All we ever look for,
    But we never do score.




  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 01, 2009 4:50 PM GMT
    I would follow TDK's sage advice. Do nothing! 8-)
  • danisnotstr8

    Posts: 2579

    Dec 01, 2009 4:59 PM GMT
    There are too many safe-players on this site. And by "safe-players," I mean "people who are insecure, boring, and afraid of rejection."

    Live a little. He wants to kiss you. Kiss him. You wouldn't have posted here if that's not what you wanted.

    Don't be so dispassionate like all these people here who spend their lives lifting weights to quell their frustrations. A majority-vote still may not be the best advice.

    Kiss him.



  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 01, 2009 5:04 PM GMT
    lol Dan, If he does and looses his friendship, or gets hurt, will you berate him for asking internet advice and acting on it?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 01, 2009 5:31 PM GMT
    danisnotstr8 saidThere are too many safe-players on this site. And by "safe-players," I mean "people who are insecure, boring, and afraid of rejection."

    Live a little. He wants to kiss you. Kiss him. You wouldn't have posted here if that's not what you wanted.

    Don't be so dispassionate like all these people here who spend their lives lifting weights to quell their frustrations. A majority-vote still may not be the best advice.

    Kiss him.





    I like this straightforward approach. Sounds like you two dudes are playing mind games with each other. Just decide what you want and go for it.
  • danisnotstr8

    Posts: 2579

    Dec 01, 2009 6:29 PM GMT
    meninlove said lol Dan, If he does and looses his friendship, or gets hurt, will you berate him for asking internet advice and acting on it?


    Is it a friendship or a love-relationship? Read between the lines. This is *NOT* a normal friendship. But "friendship" is the only word that closeted gay men have at their disposal to describe their feelings without feeling shame.

    I've been in this boat before. We acted on it, and then we had a "best-friendship with benefits" for the last two years of high school. We went away to different colleges and then that was the end of it.

    In other words: we lost our friendship anyway. But for those two years, we had something very special.

    You people need to stop living in fear of loss. For every loss, there is a gain. And in this case, I don't think you have anything to lose.

    KISS HIM


  • alexvush

    Posts: 9

    Dec 01, 2009 8:31 PM GMT
    Thanks for all of the advice, although it's all varying lol!

    Those of you who are saying I should "act on it", I'm not quite sure I've given enough of an opinion as to what he's been saying. Although he said what I repeated, he has also said that the idea of kissing me, or any other guy, is not appealing at all. It was just that one moment. He has had one long-term girlfriend with whom he made out with and fingered all the time. I'm really not doubting his sexuality too much.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 01, 2009 8:34 PM GMT
    alexvush saidThanks for all of the advice, although it's all varying lol!

    Those of you who are saying I should "act on it", I'm not quite sure I've given enough of an opinion as to what he's been saying. Although he said what I repeated, he has also said that the idea of kissing me, or any other guy, is not appealing at all. It was just that one moment. He has had one long-term girlfriend with whom he made out with and fingered all the time. I'm really not doubting his sexuality too much.


    Don't worry about it. When you get to college in 8 months, you can get lots of dick.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 01, 2009 8:57 PM GMT
    danisnotstr8 saidThere are too many safe-players on this site. And by "safe-players," I mean "people who are insecure, boring, and afraid of rejection."

    Live a little. He wants to kiss you. Kiss him. You wouldn't have posted here if that's not what you wanted.

    Don't be so dispassionate like all these people here who spend their lives lifting weights to quell their frustrations. A majority-vote still may not be the best advice.

    Kiss him.





    Don't spend the rest of your life wondering, "what if ...?". Even if it comes to nothing, you are 18 years old. What I would not give to be your age and know what I now know...
    (but I doubt all the people lifting weights are doing so just to quell frustrations).
    As you move through life, you will regret what you did not do more than what you did.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 01, 2009 9:33 PM GMT
    I agree with other members who say "kiss him". He obviously wants to do it, but something is holding him back -- It is possible he's bi-curious...or bisexual...or gay and unwilling to accept it. As such, let him be the one to bring it up. Once he mentions how he thought about kissing you, say "Was it something like this?" and slowly lean in and kiss him. Let him take the intiative as to how intense he wants it, but if he pulls away, let him and try not to take it personally or make him feel uncomfortable. Don't forget to make him feel secure. Afterward, let him know that that was something just between the two of you, and you don't intend on making it public knowledge. You should also tell him that if he wants it to happen again, you're going to leave it up to him. Otherwise, you're just going to treat it as something special between two friends, and continue things as they always have been prior to that.

    The one thing you need to do is to be prepared that it may not go any further than that. You can't expect him to become your bf or your fb. There is a good chance that if he is questioning his sexuality that he could distance himself from you (as you mentionined he has already been doing) because he is confused. Give him the space to figure things out, and let him know you expect nothing from him other than friendship.

    I know it's scary to think you might lose your friend, but it's entirely possible that his conflicted feelings might isolate him from you anyway. Let us know how it goes.

  • alexvush

    Posts: 9

    Dec 01, 2009 11:48 PM GMT
    Thanks a lot xanadude that really does help. The only issue with your proposed plan of action is that I have legitimately zero experience with guys. I have never even kissed a guy. I don't think I could ever muster the courage to do that to a guy I knew was gay, never mind my best friend whose sexuality is unclear.

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    Dec 01, 2009 11:51 PM GMT
    alexvush saidThanks a lot xanadude that really does help. The only issue with your proposed plan of action is that I have legitimately zero experience with guys. I have never even kissed a guy. I don't think I could ever muster the courage to do that to a guy I knew was gay, never mind my best friend whose sexuality is unclear.

    Lucky for you, your friend hasn't kissed a guy either. So that makes you even. icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 01, 2009 11:56 PM GMT
    I hope you guys kiss.

    And I think you'll regret it if you don't.
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    Dec 02, 2009 12:34 AM GMT
    Let him kiss you, but be open to it. Give yourself alone time with him. He's curious about his sexulaity. Which I think is a good thing for the younger generation. I've read its more open now and that guys that are 18-25 don't really want the label of either gay/strait.

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    Dec 02, 2009 12:39 AM GMT

    Do not fall for false hope.

    When I was slightly younger than you I did this very same thing. What you will find is as time passes he will move away from you and will focus on straight sex. (Now this is assuming he is straight and I believe that to be true from your post.)

    Sex is sex at your age.