Break up

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 27, 2007 1:20 PM GMT
    What does it take for you to give up your relationship and call it over? I'm not talking about short term dating kinda thing. I'm talking about one that you've invested years in it.
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    Dec 27, 2007 3:31 PM GMT
    ebl333 saidWhat does it take for you to give up your relationship and call it over? I'm not talking about short term dating kinda thing. I'm talking about one that you've invested years in it.


    It takes hell and high water for me to give up on a relationship with someone I honestly care about. I believe that if a relationship is worth being in for the long run, than it's worth over looking mistakes, arguements, differences in opinion and the nagging opinions of the 'in laws'. Of course, the relationship should work both ways, and you should both have the same flexibility with one another.

    Not to say that cheating; emotional, mental or physical abuses, and irresponsibility should be looked over and forgotten about, if they happen.
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    Dec 27, 2007 3:38 PM GMT
    When verbal and physical abuse enter into the picture and cheating...for me then I'm done, no dicussions. no I'm sorry it will never happen again, screw that it never should have happened this time.

    Those three things I would NEVER do because it''s just wrong!

    Anything else we could to work it out.

    Money woes ect.... these are things that will happened.

    I knew someone who's lover dumped him while he was on temporary disability because he was not bringing the same amount of money and he had to carry more of the load..

    That's just crazy...it was not his fault that he got hit by a car.
  • Alan95823

    Posts: 306

    Dec 27, 2007 3:55 PM GMT
    I think the biggest reason for a breakup would be a refusal to work with you on a problem in the relationship.

    Every relationship has problems once in a while, can't really avoid that. But when one partner refuses to work on resolving any of the issues, claiming it's all the others fault... the relationship is in trouble.
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    Dec 27, 2007 4:00 PM GMT
    Amen, Alan. That's what happened in mine. My ex refused to discuss the probably solvable problems we had. For two years I begged him to open up, go to counseling with me, etc. He totally refused....and then, after I couldn't take any more and broke up with him, he called me three months later to say that he was interested in the counseling after all.

    By then I was dating someone else.
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    Dec 27, 2007 5:17 PM GMT
    Why do you ask, ebl333? Is this a general interest question or did you have something more specific in mind?
  • in773guy

    Posts: 89

    Dec 27, 2007 5:55 PM GMT
    Uhg......after 7 years I came to he conclusion that I loved my partner but was not IN love with him. I realized that he needed to find someone that could love him the way he loved me....I know it sounds like an excuse to get out but I didn't want out...I just felt guilty all the time....well It's been almost a years now (3weeks away) and he is happily in love with a wonderful man who loves him more than he could have ever imagined and I am still single.... lol ....Karma's a bitch.
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    Dec 27, 2007 7:10 PM GMT
    lissenup

    This question generated from my personal situation, but
    I also like to find out what most people would consider as major to break up. Gosh I feel vulnerable.

    I do love him, and he does me. to be loved by him is wonderful. He is my securer and protector, shower me with crazy gifts, I am not as lovable in anyone's eye but his. That love is not passionate 1st year love anymore, but more like old couple.

    We have many things in common, same hobbies and interests. But we have difficulty communicating. He takes things personally and turn all discussion as either attach or blame, and I learn to avoid moments like that. so in a long run, we don't communicate much. And that affect everything. From friendship to finance, there's no unity, everything's separated to avoid problem.

    In a way, it avoid fights and we have lived peacefully. Yet I feel that's not what a couple should be. should it? I feel I might miss out what true unity could be as a couple. Yet maybe what I have is the best it gets. and I'll miss this greatest love I'll ever have. Maybe couple counseling might help. But we got to the point I cant' even bring this up to him. that's how bad this is.
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    Dec 27, 2007 7:15 PM GMT
    ebl333 saidBut we got to the point I cant' even bring this up to him. that's how bad this is.


    Ebl, think about this. If you are truly at a point where you can't even discuss the means of improving the situation.........well, you can finish my thought for yourself...?
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    Dec 27, 2007 8:02 PM GMT
    ebl-

    It perfectly common and normal for couples to argue and disagree it's when the it become mean and hateful.

    To be in a relationship where you are constantly walking or eggs shells and not feeling like you have a voice well that's not good either.

    You have given up all of your power...the power to use your voice. This in and of itself is a form of abuse.

    Only you cann decide when you have had enough. It's not an easy decision...I know from personal experience
    it crushes your spirit that's just not good.

    You have a right to your opinions and there is nothing written in the relationship handbook that both partner are going to be insynch(sp) all the time your are not cloned from each others DNA.

    You are two separate people and that needs to be validated.

    Good Luck to you both.icon_smile.gif

    Happy New Year!
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    Dec 27, 2007 10:08 PM GMT
    Ebl

    You can end up being in a relationship for a long time that's unfulfilling when you don't discuss and resolve problems. It will end eventually if it isn't addressed.

    Therapy will help with guidance here. But therapy only works if your both willing to accept change, responsibility, and take the appropriate actions. If it's only one of you, it won't work.

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    Dec 27, 2007 10:24 PM GMT
    Thanks for explaining, ebl333. I wasn't sure how to answer your question before. I apologize in advance for the long post....

    I ended my 4 1/2 year relationship in May/June of this year and it was a very difficult decision. We had gone to counseling several times, but nothing seemed to help. We had a house together, a dog, and were a part of each other's family. In fact, I was a Godfather to one of his nieces and I babysat all four of them several times. To the outside we seemed like the perfect couple, but I was miserable and became very depressed. I was very lonely and became more and more isolated, especially from my own friends. I was also having anxiety attacks and my self-esteem was at an all-time low.

    We had a problem with communication too and I had to "pick my battle" many different times. He came from a family of yellers and he was very sensitive as well. His main defense when he felt threatened was to yell or attack. He didn't trust me and used to read through my e-mails. He was even jealous of my personal trainer and I couldn't take his calls when my ex was around or else he would sulk for hours. He was also jealous of my friends and they slowly drifted away over time.

    He was also very busy and had social commitments nearly every night of the week. The only time we spent together was watching television. I quit going to things with him because he would talk to everyone else but me, plus they were always things he wanted to do.

    I started to give him ultimatums near the end of the relationship, saying he needed to change certain things. I said we needed to spend more quality time together and he needed to help out around the house more. However, he was unwilling to change.

    I'm still working through many things now - especially my anger at him. When I look back on the relationship I wonder why I was willing to put up with so much. I don't want to make the same mistakes again. I am much happier now and I know I made the right decision. Each day has been better than the one before, and my self-esteem continues to improve. I am now at the point where I know I could live a fulfilling life even if I weren't in another relationship, and I'm back to doing the things I love to do - plus I've renewed my friendships and made some great new ones in the process.

    I hope this is helpful. It's never an easy decision when you love someone.
  • zakariahzol

    Posts: 2241

    Dec 27, 2007 10:28 PM GMT
    When love is no more. Sex is a routine and obligation. it time to move on. My last lover start cheating on me and after a long time (when I am massaging him) he admitted it to me. I love him so much that I remain in the relationship with this third person in our relationship. Finally a few month latter during a vacation overseas, I start cheating on him. When I told him he dont even feel upset about it. I guess by then I know , there just nothing left between us and it time to move on.
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    Dec 28, 2007 3:00 AM GMT
    thank you guys for your opinion. I wonder those of you who suggest me to give up have ever done so? and have you find that MR. right?

    thanks lissenup for sharing your story. It's like reading my own story when I read it. Though I said to myself, I'm done with the trouble of love. This one would be my last. If it's not gonna work, i'm done with love for the rest of my life.
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    Dec 28, 2007 5:43 AM GMT
    You're welcome, ebl333. After I ended the relationship (or relationshit as I called it) I also said I was done with love - but it didn't turn out that way. If you buy me a drink I can regale you with all of my strange post-relationship dating experiences. I'm learning a lot, especially how to determine what guys are not appropriate for me to date and how to end things gracefully. For example, I met a guy for drinks a couple of times and it was very nice. However, we stopped for coffee and he pitched a fit at Starbucks and chewed out the employees over the bathroom being closed. We are supposed to go out for dinner next week but I'm going to cancel and tell him that I did not appreciate how he treated the Starbucks employees. In the past, I probably would have moved in with him. LOL.
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    Dec 28, 2007 5:55 AM GMT
    Just wanted you to all know that you are all very lucky to have even found your partners at least once in your lives. I am almost 30 and am still waiting to find mine. I keep positive about it, but it does tend to make me question myself sometimes. Maybe I am not cute enough? I just don't know.

    Tony
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    Dec 28, 2007 2:02 PM GMT
    the thing is, the feeling of love is slowly ruined by your life experiences. It's like a painting draw of pencil, and each bad experience come across like a eraser and by the 4-5 times, you lost how your dreams for love would look like.

    I still remember before I ever got involved with anyone, even infatuation brings butterfly to my tummy and that amazing warm sensation and slap me silly feeling I had. then met a drama queen who destroy a little, then an undercover priest came, and whole bunch of others that took a bit out of this cheese....My current one this is the closest thing I want, not a relationshit, yet not perfect either. It's either a warm jacuzzi to enjoy or just lukewarm enough to slow cook me alive. depend on how I view it certain morning. lissenup, for you to do something about it is only right, but when this happen to myself, it's hard to see pass the fog.


    Tony, wait for the right one, even if you turn 50. don't sale yourself short like I did.
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    Dec 28, 2007 3:10 PM GMT
    Sorry this is up for you ebl.

    I'm not clear how long you have been with your partner, but all relationships have cycles. As I've said before here, my partner and I have fallen in and out of love several times in the last 15 years. You can start over but, believe me, you'll end up with a new set of problems eventually.

    As for couples therapy, my experience is that by the time many couples make it to therapy, things are beyond repair.

    With many couples I've seen I've been shocked that they haven't even made an effort to communicate how they were feeling to one another. I hope you have told your partner how you are feeling.
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    Dec 28, 2007 4:02 PM GMT
    ObsceneWish--

    I agree, and I'd even amend that to say that by the time you even start thinking about couples therapy the relationship has probably outlived its sell-by date.

    At least that was the case with me.
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    Dec 28, 2007 5:11 PM GMT
    Once more, apologies for a long post! I'm writing a very boring case study for work so this is a good distraction!

    ebl333, what you said reminds me of how I was feeling - each day it felt like more of my soul died. I had to get out for my survival, but there were more factors involved, including verbal/emotional abuse. I even got yelled at for putting my toothbrush adjacent to his in the holder, rather than across from his. However, he painted a different story for others and made it seem like I was abusive and controlling. People did see through it, however. One nicknamed him "Lucy" which was short for Lucifer.

    From what you wrote, it sounds like you have moved from the romantic idealized notion of love to facing the mundane daily aspects of it. Like OW said, there is an ebb and flow to relationships over years. For example, my parents have a great relationship now, but most of my childhood prayers centered around asking God to make them get a divorce.

    Have you told your partner how you are feeling? I talked with mine many times (and his friends made jokes about our long talks), wrote him letters, went to a counselor, and a mutual friend even sat down with us once - all to no avail. I know in my hear that I tried everything to make it work, which gives me peace of mind.

    As I said before, I've learned a great deal from being single and dating guys. I had the butterfly feelings for a couple of guys like you talked about. One ended things because I was moving and he didn't want a long distance relationship. After I moved, he got into a long distance relationship and then ended it because he was in love with someone else. I met another guy recently and started to fall for him, but realized he was using me. I edited some things for him (English isn't his first language) and spent a bit of time on them. He didn't seem particularly appreciative about it and then abruptly quit contacting me - after he pursued me and called several times a day.

    What I took away from this, ebl333 (sorry, don't know your real name!), is that I'm still capable of having feelings but that I need to be very aware and not waste those feelings on unworthy people. I'm learning to identify the signs better and end things with my dignity and self-esteem intact. I feel in control of my life, which is an amazing feeling.

    Have you talked about a trial separation? Maybe you could take separate vacations and sort out how you feel?

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    Dec 28, 2007 8:26 PM GMT
    Despite I complain about how he doesn't communicate, on the flip side, I find myself not the easiest person to deal with either. the thought that maybe he's the only one who can put up with me always come across my mind...

    I wish my case is easy as black and white. but I have to be fair. Cause he shares himself with others, why he wont' share with me? maybe I'm just not a good listener? or I'm too demanding?

    Have I told him my feeling? I cant' even word out how I feel to myself. I just feel desperate over bleak future. I want a relationship that I can see 5, 10 yrs from now. right now I'm 5 yrs into it and I can't see what's to come. and it make me sad, especially during the holiday season.

    want to tell you guys I love you all, and thanks for listening.
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    Dec 29, 2007 12:00 AM GMT
    ebl333 saidI find myself not the easiest person to deal with either. the thought that maybe he's the only one who can put up with me always come across my mind


    ebl--
    I know how you feel. I've failed at several relationships now, and the thought has crossed my mind that maybe there isn't anyone out there who can handle my eccentricities.
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    Dec 29, 2007 3:27 AM GMT

    [/quote]

    I know how you feel. I've failed at several relationships now, and the thought has crossed my mind that maybe there isn't anyone out there who can handle my eccentricities.[/quote]

    I don't mean to make anyone feel this way, but i guess my depression is contagious. Gosh we need a support group.
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    Dec 29, 2007 4:41 AM GMT
    HOw does one "fail" at a relationship? What does that mean?
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    Dec 30, 2007 3:15 AM GMT
    I wonder if we actually get gay marriage here. How many would add "for better or for worse" to their vow?
    How worse is worse?
    I guess to fail at relationship is to do worse then worse. Or it doesn't has to get worse, you can fail by calling it over before it's really worse.