Monogamy v.s. Open Relationship

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 02, 2009 1:18 AM GMT
    The thought of an open relationship seems like the best of both worlds, being able to go out and experience the new and exciting things, but have someone to share those experiences with and be there as a emotional security blanket.

    Honestly now I would just like to have a legit relationship, and I'm not planning to have an open one, cause until I'm in a relationship I don't know what I would want, it might completely depend on the person I'm with. But I'm curious why some people who start out in a monogamous relationship end up being open, and why it works, or doesn't work. I have my thoughts about both pros and cons but I would like to hear what people with experience have to say.
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    Dec 02, 2009 2:07 AM GMT
    Hi! I too am curious about open relationships. How it works and does it really exist? Is it somewhat like polygamy? To what extent is the physical and emotional attachment/commitment of the relationship? Please enlighten...
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    Dec 02, 2009 2:15 AM GMT
    I've tried the open relationship thing, and it didn't workout too well for me...I guess I'm just a one-man-kinda-man.
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    Dec 02, 2009 2:26 AM GMT
    Hey Narc_Four and hello HotTamale, welcome to Realjock, guys!


    At first Bill looked at me and said,

    "They're kidding, aren't they?"

    I said,

    "No hon I think this is serious." He looked a bit pensive and then said,
    "But you can't weigh one against the other, can you? It's like saying what's better, blue eyes or brown, isn't it?"

    So, we thought for a bit. And this is what we came up with for you guys....

    In each of our pasts, we've had experiences with both monogamy and open relationships. Through these experiences, we each discovered that we are the monogamous kind.

    Then, we met.

    It will be 20 years on Dec13th since we exchanged our first set of informal illegal vows. This summer we married legally with the blessing of our government. People in open relationships get married too.

    We notice that many wish to by-pass experience and go straight for one ideal or another. For some few that may happen, but for most of us here on the planet, experiences, painful or otherwise, are the only way to find out what the right fit is.

    There are no easy answers, guys. Open relationships are every bit as valid and workable as monogamous ones, though be prepared because many here will say otherwise.

    Which one is right for you?
    Only you can decide.

    Enjoy the discoveries that come your way. Learn from the tears that fall, and the laughter and love that come with or without them.

    The world is wide, and anything, anything is possible.


    respectfully, Doug and Bill of meninlove
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 02, 2009 2:26 AM GMT
    im a one man kind of man as well. never hand an open one work. mainly cause i didnt like the fact that i wasnt being treated like i was loved.
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Dec 02, 2009 2:30 AM GMT
    Perfect Meninlove!

    It is a personal choice. Do not believe that either is impossible, because you will get that advice.

    I'm a one man kinda guy as well.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 02, 2009 2:32 AM GMT
    meninlove said Hey Narc_Four and hello HotTamale, welcome to Realjock, guys!


    At first Bill looked at me and said,

    "They're kidding, aren't they?"

    I said,

    "No hon I think this is serious." He looked a bit pensive and then said,
    "But you can't weigh one against the other, can you? It's like saying what's better, blue eyes or brown, isn't it?"

    So, we thought for a bit. And this is what we came up with for you guys....

    In each of our pasts, we've had experiences with both monogamy and open relationships. Through these experiences, we each discovered that we are the monogamous kind.

    Then, we met.

    It will be 20 years on Dec13th since we exchanged our first set of informal illegal vows. This summer we married legally with the blessing of our government. People in open relationships get married too.

    We notice that many wish to by-pass experience and go straight for one ideal or another. For some few that may happen, but for most of us here on the planet, experiences, painful or otherwise, are the only way to find out what the right fit is.

    There are no easy answers, guys. Open relationships are every bit as valid and workable as monogamous ones, though be prepared because many here will say otherwise.

    Which one is right for you?
    Only you can decide.

    Enjoy the discoveries that come your way. Learn from the tears that fall, and the laughter and love that come with or without them.

    The world is wide, and anything, anything is possible.


    respectfully, Doug and Bill of meninlove


    OK Nicely said for young'ns icon_cool.gif Which one is blue which is Brown icon_wink.gif
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    Dec 02, 2009 2:42 AM GMT
    lol Roccoe, OK we'll try to answer......

    First though, thank you Celticmuscl, fellow unicorn!

    We think the reason there's so much conflict over this is the wearing of coloured contacts, if we can take this analogy of ours a step further.

    Open relationship types wearing the colouring of monogamy, and as a result not being true to themselves and hurting another who is monogamous.

    The reverse is also true, with a monogamous person wearing the colouring of the open relationship types and hurting them with his own pain of trying to fit where he can't.

    That said, the experiments are the experiences we refer to, and often necessary. It's how we conduct ourselves while learning which one we are that determines our individual merit as a person of integrity and character.

    -Unicorns
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    Dec 02, 2009 3:05 AM GMT
    Thanks Doug and Bill. I get what you are saying. Life will throw many opportunities and experiences at me and I have a choice which to pursue. For now, I am monogamous. Because I expect loyalty for the man who I give mine to. I guess I just can't imagine myself in an open relationship.

    Cheers to you both 'meninlove.'

    Happy Holidays!
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    Dec 02, 2009 3:09 AM GMT
    I can see how open relationships can work for some people, and destroy others. Whichever you prefer, if it's going to last, it has to be built on a solid foundation of honesty, trust and commitment. Love takes time and great sex only adds to the connection.
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    Dec 02, 2009 3:31 AM GMT
    I think open relationships are for people who don't have what it takes to summon the strength and self discipline to control their actions and thoughts. Obviously just because you're in a relationship with someone doesn't mean you stop being sexually attracted to other guys. If two people want to be in an open relationship then that's their choice, however, eventually jealously and insecurity will take over. It's almost inevitable. Relationships are as diverse as the people in them, but I think there is something in us that desires to find just one person to share our lives with. That may mean finding many different people over a lifetime, yet there is something way more sacred when you share you life, your thoughts, and your body with just one person at a time. Call me old fashioned I guess. The great thing about relationships is who cares what I or anyone else thinks...the two people in the relationship set the rules and boundaries, no one else, which is why honesty and communication are key.
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    Dec 02, 2009 4:25 AM GMT
    My last and longest relationship was monogamous - that was nearly 11 years. Through most of it, it felt like the right thing for both of us. I - of course - can only speak for myself. I definitely had moments of extreme curiosity... but I think for me I had several monogamously motivating factors - not the least of which was the potential emotional guilt and confusion. Also, HEALTH ISSUES. The LAST THING I would want to do is unwittingly expose my lover/partner to some bullshit STD because there was no way of safeguarding myself or him from it. I would be devastated.

    There's a world of nasty bugs out there... many of which others are not even aware they have and are capable of spreading. I'm not talking HIV.

    Now that I'm single, I'm re-thinking what monogamy means, and may for a while. But from my three previous true-love relationships, I got the feeling I'm just naturally the more monogamous type. I'm just not good at juggling too many variables at once. My music, social life, and ways of partnering just don't provide a lot of time for random encounters. But who knows... my current life-stage may prove me wrong. I won't know 'til I meet someone I jive with in an LTR sense.

    If there is one thing I'm utterly sure of it's that honest communication is at the root of ANY long-term success. I have no proof that any one scheme is "better" than another. Everyone is different.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Dec 02, 2009 4:34 AM GMT
    lawguy920 saidI think open relationships are for people who don't have what it takes to summon the strength and self discipline to control their actions and thoughts. Obviously just because you're in a relationship with someone doesn't mean you stop being sexually attracted to other guys. If two people want to be in an open relationship then that's their choice, however, eventually jealously and insecurity will take over. It's almost inevitable. Relationships are as diverse as the people in them, but I think there is something in us that desires to find just one person to share our lives with. That may mean finding many different people over a lifetime, yet there is something way more sacred when you share you life, your thoughts, and your body with just one person at a time. Call me old fashioned I guess. The great thing about relationships is who cares what I or anyone else thinks...the two people in the relationship set the rules and boundaries, no one else, which is why honesty and communication are key.


    Umm... and what exactly do you have to support your claims? Could it be people prefer monogamous relationships because they are convinced from a young age that is how love works? I don't think they always revert to jealousy, and I don't think it's for people who lack discipline. However, I do think it's wrong for you to judge people you don't know and their relationships. Saying an open relationship undermines monogamy is akin to saying gay marriage does the same (in my book at least)
  • Acorns

    Posts: 273

    Dec 02, 2009 4:36 AM GMT
    I'm extremely Jealous and I don't like sharing.

    Not for me.
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    Dec 02, 2009 4:58 AM GMT
    I honestly do not think I'm built for an open relationship if I were in a long-term relationship.

    Now dating and seeing multiple people casually - that's another story.

  • victor8

    Posts: 237

    Dec 02, 2009 5:09 AM GMT
    90/10% rule if ya find a great guy and you love eachother...is it worth risking 90% of a good loving relationship for 10% of fun...even if its agreed upon it can create distrust and jelously...i don't care if your openminded honest and all the other key-words....feeling come up out of nowhere...i say monogamy!!
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    Dec 02, 2009 5:35 AM GMT
    Acorns saidI'm extremely Jealous and I don't like sharing.

    Not for me.


    I agree. In theory, I can see it working; in reality, I can see it being a miserable failure. That's just for me though. To each their own.
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    Dec 02, 2009 6:18 AM GMT
    Interesting that most of you guys seem to be under 30. I met my man 10 months ago and he is 22 and wants nothing more than to settle down and have a life with one man.....just like me. We plan on getting married as soon as we can and I for one am looking forward to every moment.
  • asixpactogo

    Posts: 45

    Dec 02, 2009 12:01 PM GMT
    We've been to gether 13 years. Wow, I never thought i could do it. Our relationship is secure. I depend on him and he depends on me. I have a checkered past of having been with many men. He has only been with a hand full. He is a top only, I am a bottom, but on occasion I need to be a top. It's at this point that our relationship opens and closes. We pick a bottom for me to top with.
  • ATLANTIS7

    Posts: 1213

    Dec 02, 2009 12:25 PM GMT
    Monogamy always...
  • Anto

    Posts: 2035

    Dec 02, 2009 1:15 PM GMT
    One thing I don't understand about people in open relationships is the threat of disease.

    It doesn't matter if 'safe sex' is practiced because sex is never safe. You can try to reduce the risk of acquiring certain diseases but it's never 100% safe and there are all kinds of disease you can catch that people don't often think about being associated with sex, like skin-to-skin diseases or intestinal parasites that many gay men have and are not aware of but are still able to spread to others, like entamoeba histolytica which is a disease men who have sex with men need to be aware of because we have a higher incidence of it than the general population.

    Who gets tested regularly for that kind of intestinal parasite for example or others? Who is even aware of it? Did you know it can be spread just through contact and even to other people you are not having sex with once exposed to expelled cysts from an infected person? It can turn into a deadly infection for about 10% of carriers over time.

    That's just one example, and I doubt guys in open relationships are getting regularly screened for it. There are a lot more diseases to be concerned about than just HIV.
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    Dec 02, 2009 1:25 PM GMT
    Anto saidOne thing I don't understand about people in open relationships is the threat of disease.

    It doesn't matter if 'safe sex' is practiced because sex is never safe. You can try to reduce the risk of acquiring certain diseases but it's never 100% safe and there are all kinds of disease you can catch that people don't often think about being associated with sex, like skin-to-skin diseases or intestinal parasites that many gay men have and are not aware of but are still able to spread to others, like entamoeba histolytica which is a disease men who have sex with men need to be aware of because we have a higher incidence of it than the general population.

    Who gets tested regularly for that kind of intestinal parasite for example or others? Who is even aware of it? Did you know it can be spread just through contact and even to other people you are not having sex with once exposed to expelled cysts from an infected person? It can turn into a deadly infection for about 10% of carriers over time.

    That's just one example, and I doubt guys in open relationships are getting regularly screened for it. There are a lot more diseases to be concerned about than just HIV.



    Are you joking? People in open relationships have an increased threat of getting intestinal parasites? Oh I feel bad for all those single people out there. You all had better find partners SOON because you're going to end up with gut worms.

    Of all the posts I've read on this site, this one ranks right up there with the most illogical of all time.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Dec 02, 2009 1:25 PM GMT
    I think whatever works for the couple. I personally wouldn't have an open relationship, it just isn't who I am, but I'm not going to judge others who
    like and are comfortable with an open one. However if I were single, I doubt if I'd want to be screwing a guy in an open relationship.
  • DiverScience

    Posts: 1426

    Dec 02, 2009 1:30 PM GMT
    What ruins both monogamous and open relationships is people trying to do/be what they're not.

    Me, I can't say, because I've only had one. It was monogamous, and I was happy, but 1 is far too small a sample size to know for sure.

    What I *can* say for sure is that I've seen very very longstanding and happy open relationships (and mono ones) and I've seen short lived, exploded open relationships (and mono ones) and the most common feature in the dead relationships was one party or the other trying to make the other party happy by pretending.

    Pretending is never a good way to maintain a healthy relationship, of whatever type.
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    Dec 02, 2009 1:35 PM GMT
    lawguy920 saidI think open relationships are for people who don't have what it takes to summon the strength and self discipline to control their actions and thoughts. Obviously just because you're in a relationship with someone doesn't mean you stop being sexually attracted to other guys. If two people want to be in an open relationship then that's their choice, however, eventually jealously and insecurity will take over. It's almost inevitable. Relationships are as diverse as the people in them, but I think there is something in us that desires to find just one person to share our lives with. That may mean finding many different people over a lifetime, yet there is something way more sacred when you share you life, your thoughts, and your body with just one person at a time. Call me old fashioned I guess. The great thing about relationships is who cares what I or anyone else thinks...the two people in the relationship set the rules and boundaries, no one else, which is why honesty and communication are key.



    Ugh, the blather continues.

    To summarize this: People in open relationships are emotionally and/or mentally weak.

    Your comment may be old-fashioned, but it's certainly not intelligent.