Closet Cases.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 27, 2007 9:36 PM GMT
    I have been in a relationship for the past two months with the most amazing guy I have ever met. We were just friends for about two months and we established feelings for each other.. and well, it's been two months since he asked me to be his...

    Due to similarities in our jobs.. we can't exactly be "together". I'm out to my family but not at work.. he is not out, period.

    Have any of you experienced this and how do you deal with it? It's not hard at all understanding because at one point we were all in the closet. I told him I would support him and his decision. But it's hard when we don't communicate as much when he is around his family or friends. I sometime fear that i'm making myself available too much.. if that makes sense? When i'm around my family I have no problems whatsoever talking about him to anyone or even talking to him.. but it's not like that with him.

    I have been with "one of those" guys that wanted me to be out and tell my family because he didn't want to be my secret. I honestly think that it's ridiculous. I have deep feelings for my man and I will be with him no matter what. I know how it is to be scared and worried about people finding out. I'm there for him..

    But yeah.. how do you deal with it? Not being able to express yourself to each other only when the situation arises..

    And then there's the fear of the whole doing whatever it takes to keep people thinking he's straight...

    what if worse comes to worst and he has to do something drastic so no one will find out about him, us, me?!

    I know it has a lot to do with trust.. but.. we all know.. that once upon a time (for all of us).. we would have done anything so no one would've found out.. I guess what i'm trying to say is.. well.. yeah.. closet cases scare me now that I am not one.. technically..

    I know i'm getting off point but.. yeah.. how to deal with it all.. the fear.. the whole deal?

    Any advice/info/experiences would help.

    Thanks.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 28, 2007 12:31 AM GMT
    You're young and he's (i'm assuming) young. There's time for him to realize that the only thing that can come from keeping people thinking he's straight is that girls and eventually women will want to bed him and he won't be able to get it up and have to suffer enormous embarrassment.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 28, 2007 12:53 AM GMT
    closet cases scare me now that I am not one.. technically

    I'm guessing, from personal experience, that it scares him more than you!

    Good luck.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Dec 28, 2007 1:04 AM GMT
    I don't think a person that wants to compartmentalize his life can fully share it with another person.
  • Squarejaw

    Posts: 1035

    Dec 28, 2007 1:51 AM GMT
    Why did you think it was "ridiculous" for a former boyfriend to want you to be open and out. Your entire message shows that it's not ridiculous at all, and that your new guy's closetedness is causing you pain.
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    Dec 28, 2007 2:07 AM GMT
    Gosh, you guys are so tough on closet guys. Let him take his time. And maybe just take it slow on your side and don't force him. Eventually we all come out of the closet, especially when he's the one who ask you to be his xxx.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 28, 2007 2:18 AM GMT
    Such a pain in the ass to read all that from my point of view. Ya'll need to stand for yourselves and life your lives. Be brave... suck it up. Be a homo queers in any shape you desire. So people are just insecure and has nothing do with being gay.
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    Dec 28, 2007 2:23 AM GMT
    Squarejaw saidWhy did you think it was "ridiculous" for a former boyfriend to want you to be open and out. Your entire message shows that it's not ridiculous at all, and that your new guy's closetedness is causing you pain.


    No, no, no.. Ok. So you're misconstruing my point. My ex.. He was.. well.. a bitch. He was selfish and practically made an ultimatum.. either I come out or we're over. So yes, it was ridiculous.

    You can't exactly force someone to come out. It's all in due time whenever the person is ready. Outing someone or bugging them to come out is just wrong.

    I am by no means wanting my boyfriend to come out. Whenever he decides to do so is his, and only his, decision. No one else's.

    I just simply asked how do others deal with it... if they have ever been/are going through a situation similar to mine.

    My boyfriends closetnedness isn't causing me "pain".. it's actually just a bump in the road which I am trying to smooth out, if you will.

    I respect his decision to stay in the closet, it's actually safer in there. It's just hard when you can't exactly be yourself or express yourself. Especially when both your check providers is a white haired man who wears a tri-colored suit.

    Work wise, we're both in the closet. After-hours.. only he is.

    So specifically.. the whole point was.. again.. how do other people deal with dating/being in a relationship with someone in the closet.


  • Alan95823

    Posts: 306

    Dec 28, 2007 2:43 AM GMT
    Honestly, I don't deal with dating closeted people at all. Been there, done that, it's a major pain in the rear.

    The paranoia about anyone finding out they're gay has so many negative effects on the relationship that you spend more time worrying about it than having fun together.

    * You can't eat out together, just in case someone he works with shows up and wonders why he's with a guy
    * You can't spend weekends overnight together, because people will wonder why you're not dating girls
    * If one (or both) of you lie about dating a girl, at some point people are going to expect you to produce one
    * You can't go out in public to shows, movies, etc. in case someone recognizes you and wonders why you're together instead of with the girls you're supposed to be dating.

    I have sympathy for anyone who feels they have to be in the closet, because they're too afraid to come out, but that doesn't mean I have to date them.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 28, 2007 2:51 AM GMT
    i think you have more experience to speak on this then any of us.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 28, 2007 3:05 AM GMT
    A couple of my friends told me that dating closet cases is definitely a fragile subject in general and that it takes a lot of patience and commitment.

    Yeah.. No duh!

    I support other peoples' decisions and respect their wishes. Especially my boyfriend's.

    I am out of the closet, family-wise.. work-wise.. it's not an option. And trust me, it's hard. Back in the day when I was just a regular dude.. I had to be in the closet.. and when I took on my job.. that burden doubled and well, it sucked. Now I have all the support of my family. It really helps. It was not an easy thing but fortunately things worked out.

    Coming out is the hardest thing anyone gay will ever have to do.

    But you must do it, at one point or another.

    I have read/seen/heard about sooo many people coming out too late and ruining families and their own lives. It's really not a good thing. You cannot hide who you are. Example: The cool politicians.

    Eventually it bites you in the ass, later.

    To each his own though.

    I know i'm getting off topic and just rambling.. ugh.

    Back to the point: Closet cases.. how do you deal with them and how do you make it work? It's working and we have no problems.. aside the fact that we're in hiding in one way or another.

    Again, anyone that has been through a similiar situation.. please feel free to comment.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 28, 2007 4:58 AM GMT
    Here's a word: dysfunctional.

    Here's another word: integrity.

    And another: virtue.

    THINK. If you have any critical thinking skills, at all, you'll answer your own question.

    It's 2007. Get with the program.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 28, 2007 6:10 AM GMT
    chuckystud saidHere's a word: dysfunctional.

    Here's another word: integrity.

    And another: virtue.

    THINK. If you have any critical thinking skills, at all, you'll answer your own question.

    It's 2007. Get with the program.


    dys·func·tion

    –noun
    1. Medicine/Medical. malfunctioning, as of an organ or structure of the body.

    2. any malfunctioning part or element: the dysfunctions of the country's economy.

    3. Sociology. a consequence of a social practice or behavior pattern that undermines the stability of a social system.

    in·teg·ri·ty

    –noun
    1. adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty.

    2. the state of being whole, entire, or undiminished: to preserve the integrity of the empire.

    3. a sound, unimpaired, or perfect condition: the integrity of a ship's hull.


    vir·tue

    –noun
    1. moral excellence; goodness; righteousness.

    2. conformity of one's life and conduct to moral and ethical principles; uprightness; rectitude.

    3. chastity; virginity: to lose one's virtue.

    4. a particular moral excellence. Compare cardinal virtues, natural virtue, theological virtue.

    5. a good or admirable quality or property: the virtue of knowing one's weaknesses.

    6. effective force; power or potency: a charm with the virtue of removing warts.

    7. virtues, an order of angels. Compare angel (def. 1).

    8. manly excellence; valor.
    —Idioms

    9. by or in virtue of, by reason of; because of: to act by virtue of one's legitimate authority.

    10. make a virtue of necessity, to make the best of a difficult or unsatisfactory situation.

    Critical thinking? Too much.

    And it's 2007 for, oh, about 3 more days.


    Now, I fail to see the point in your response. Call me dumb or whatever you'd like.. buut.. my sole intention in this post.. was to get advice/feedback from people who have had this experience or a similar one. Not to question my relationship, my competence, or knowledge/thinking, Thanks.

    I did go off topic a bit at the beginning, but those were just fears and thoughts.. I wasn't really asking about them.

    Advice and information is all I asked for... not for smart remarks. =)

    Thank you though!

    Really.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 28, 2007 7:07 AM GMT
    Yes, but dating someone in the closet DOES raise questions about your integrity and honesty.

    Why are you dating someone who can't be open about themselves to others?

    What advice are you looking for? How to cover your tracks better? How to tell more convincing lies to your bf's family and friends? Or maybe you want tips on improving your "straight-acting" image so that his parent's boyfriend won't be suspicious of your "friendship" with their son?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 28, 2007 11:09 AM GMT
    It is so easier to "get out of closet" in USA. but here in croatia if you just look strange (i have been pierced, have a tatooes), people looks at you like some alien from other planet. so you can imagine what will happend if you say openly about your "sex drive". for now i am deep "in my closet" in any part of my life and don't think of going out. some people have some doubts about my sexuality but because i have lots of girlfriends they are not sure. and also here in zagreb all "gay places" (one for now) are with crappy music, teenagers who think that been gay is "oh, sooo cool and out of place and to be gay i am totally different from others.." and old "on the edge of pedofilia" men. so don't have opportunities to meet some interesting "gay people". on this years zagreb's gay pride there was people (YOUNG PEOPLE) with molotovs who think to throw it on us.
    only been in one man to man relationship but after a while he decide to get a wife and children and so on..(a year ago he call me if we can meet again-i said no). and i know lots of similar cases here in my neighborhood. there was cases where people loose their jobs because of their homosexsuality..
    so to live in usa (and probably in west part of europe), my decision of "going out" will be much easier.
    ..sorry for my bad english
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 28, 2007 11:29 AM GMT
    all of your concerns are the very reasons we demand to be out and treated with fairness and equality.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 28, 2007 1:44 PM GMT
    It's funny how guys on this site talk about having a sense of community among the gays and then when someone has an issue like this, out come the holier than thou "outies" with their claws bared.

    The guy is asking for advice and some of you can't see past your own self righteousness long enough to answer his question without attacking him. As totally out gay guys, you are the ones who can be of the most help to him.

    It's one thing to say, "Dude, it's just hard dating a guy who's in the closet, and you have to decide if it's worth the hassle to put up with it until he comes out." It's another to call him stupid and dishonest and lacking in integrity.

    Sorry, skyf...I don't have a whole lot of advice for ya, but if you really like this guy, I guess you gotta take the good with the bad...unless this particular thing is so bad that it overrides your feelings for him. It doesn't sound to me like you are at that point at all, or you wouldn't be agonizing over it so much.

    Maybe you both can move to where ever these guys who are calling you stupid live so you can both be out and free...but then again you can't come out at work so they'd probably shit on you there too...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 28, 2007 2:12 PM GMT
    There are no closets in bed.
  • Jase71

    Posts: 13

    Dec 28, 2007 2:22 PM GMT
    You really have to be understanding and sure he know where you are coming from, but not a doormat. Talk to him and try not to pressure him into doing something he is not ready to do. We all had to come to terms at one point and he just isn't there.
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    Dec 28, 2007 2:35 PM GMT
    This issue is causing you a lot stress and I think in more ways then you actually realize.

    I can not speak on personal experience because I have always been out and all of lovers has been as well.

    A large part of being openingly gay means being liberated!

    I am very proud of who am and when I am lucky enough to find the right guy and we try to make a go at I would hope that he would be proud of who he is and the type man that he is and his integerity and honesty.

    We display that in public like a billboard for the word to see and that it is something great!

    To live ones life in the closet gives off the message that their is some vile, evil and dirty about you having found this great guy on all levels!

    If you two can not take away the ICK factor in your relationship and the element of shame.
    What are you two doing? What does he think is going to happen if people find out that he's GAY?

    I will never understand how some men are crippled with that kind of fear.

    Aren't you proud to be his boyfriend?
    You have to feel like a lot mistress at time and that can't imagine how that makes you feel.

    Where is the balance in the relationship...you are spending so much time and energy concealing his SECRET!
    When do you have fun....it's can't be a good feeling for you when you are out in public and you want to hold his hand but can't.

    When you are openly gay you do these things without thinking.

    Good Luck to you both!icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 28, 2007 2:36 PM GMT
    Skyf: You are correct when you say everyone was in the closet at some point, and your situation, being at different stages of coming out with your boyfriend, is a common experience too.

    But I'm afraid things with your boyfriend are as good as they are going to be right now.

    He's in the closet and you're not. You've described the situation, including your feelings, articulately. What more is there to do but live with the frustration?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 28, 2007 2:41 PM GMT
    I understand that every coming out is an individual process for each man, but why do you care if people know that you're gay? Why does he care if people know that he is gay?

    Happy New Year.

    Daniel
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 28, 2007 2:41 PM GMT
    Sky-

    I was in a similar situation with a young man. Closet cases are the worst...but you can't decide who you fall in love with and who you want to be with.

    If the relationship and feelings are REAL and mutual then you have to weather the storm of the closet.

    To be honest, I remember being in the closet and being with someone who was out. He always insisted that I be honest to myself and to others. But, I wasn't ready and I couldn't justify "coming out". It didn't seem like that big of a deal. So when he and I were dating it was a very secretive thing. We only kissed behind closed doors or in the darkness of a car. It honestly was sorta fun. Like having a secret affair. Not that I'm condoning affairs or cheating.

    Don't think of your man like he's in the closet. Think of this as another challange. It's not like you can't be yourselves when you're together and alone.

    What are you seriously missing out on that you think you would have if he were "out"? Because I've had a bf for a couple months now and even we won't be affectionate in public; and we live on a liberal college campus.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 28, 2007 6:33 PM GMT
    i think closet-to-closet cases and out-to-out cases work well with each other respectively...
    in my own experience. x
  • Artesin

    Posts: 482

    Dec 29, 2007 5:41 AM GMT
    I'd just say push him out in areas where it should be out in the air, like friends ect. Though I'm probably to straight forward for my or anyone else's good; then again fear is viewed as totally irrational and futile especially when it comes to the big bad sock eating proverbial closet. Think your man cares to much about what people think.

    Just talk to him, what more can you really do ?