Getting over him

  • tmoks

    Posts: 13

    Dec 02, 2009 9:34 PM GMT
    Hey all,

    Guess I'm just looking for advice on getting over a guy.

    I dated this boy for 2 and a half years. We grew up together, were best friends before we started dating, and came out together. We were off and on for the last 6 months or so, for many reasons (he had never done anything with anyone before me, and was curious, etc.) So I got dumped a few times and crawled back; I kind of felt like an abandoned puppy.

    We broke up for good over 7 months ago now and I still think about him every hour of every day. I've dated (most guys way more attractive than him, haha), but still found myself wishing I was with him. Tried everything that I could think of to try and get him out of my mind - getting rid of everything, ignoring him, hitting the club every night, focusing on school and my career, even trying to be friends. It doesn't really help that we still go to the same college.

    I guess if there's any trick I haven't learned yet, I would love to hear it. Otherwise support would be awesome.

    -Ty
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 02, 2009 9:46 PM GMT
    Unfortunately, time.

    First love is hard to get over. It doesn't help that you were friends for a long time and came out together and everything like that.

    I think you should realize that you were lucky to have that experience but you need to realize that most people don't spend the rest of their lives with the first person they fall in love with.

    There's no magic trick to get over him. It will just take time for your feelings to subside, and hopefully, eventually you'll be bale to be friends with him.
  • powerman3

    Posts: 7

    Dec 02, 2009 9:48 PM GMT
    hey man, its hard...i dated my guy for a year and a half and he was the first person i ever loved, saw myself marrying him actually (well if i could in NY)....and now im single and can't get him out of my head even though he treated me bad....i dont know either
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 02, 2009 10:07 PM GMT
    The one you're in love with in school is not going to be the one you love ten years later. You have a lot to learn yet about yourself and about other people. As you experience more, you'll grow in directions you can't foresee.
    That's why the guy you loved at 20 won't be right for you when you're 30.

    In the meantime try to look forward and not back.
  • hdurdinr

    Posts: 699

    Dec 02, 2009 10:15 PM GMT
    I have to agree with the first response which is simply that these things take time. I think most people on here will know how you're feeling right now. Sorry not to have anything to 'make it go away' but it doesn't make sense to have quick fix to the feelings you have, your feelings developed over a long period of time and so it will take a long peroid of time to look back on all of this without feeling the pain you have now. Try watching 'eternal sunshine of the spotless mind' in order to see why time is the only healer. All the best to you
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 02, 2009 10:16 PM GMT
    Hey tmoks, Welcome to realjock!

    Support? You have ours. Try this on, the length of time is telling us the potency of your ability to love. This is a very very good thing.

    So pleaseexcuse the overdoing of this, which you'll find, being sappy men, we're prone to...




    -us two

  • nv7_

    Posts: 1453

    Dec 02, 2009 10:21 PM GMT


    Listen to this song enough, it might help. icon_biggrin.gif
  • Mikeylikesit

    Posts: 1021

    Dec 02, 2009 10:46 PM GMT
    For me normally a quick mindless hook up works to get over an ex fast!!...LOL
    icon_eek.gificon_lol.gificon_redface.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 02, 2009 10:46 PM GMT
    Long time ago, same kind of situation. What finally worked for me was getting laid by a guy much hotter than he was. Gave me the confidence to think I could do better, which I did. Took a long time tho before I stopped caring for him in some way. He was a decent handsome, person, but totally the wrong guy for me, and once I realized that I could move forward. Best of luck, it's a painful process.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 02, 2009 10:52 PM GMT
    Nothing but time my friend.
    Focus on you and what you need to be happy and fulfilled.
    Sometimes the best way to get a guy out of your head is to get under/in/on another one. I find that is just a temporary fix when you are really hung up on someone. Hang in there and put yourself out there to meet others and don't date asses, it sets a bad level of comparison.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 02, 2009 10:58 PM GMT
    lol, as you can see, tmoks, you're not alone. So many of us have walked in your shoes.

    Hopefully we didn't kill you or induce a diabetic coma with our last post icon_lol.gif, so there's also this;

    When we exchanged vows, we realized that every broken sorry bit of our pasts, every lonely ache, every failed relationship, had been been worth it because the journey ended with us together. Those same heartaches, looked at in a certain way, gave us the perception and ability to see each other and understand each other on pretty deep levels. It's not the fails, but how we react to them that makes so much possible.

    To become bitter or jaded means the loss was even greater because the heart wanted to shut the experience out and the owner of that heart achieved it.

    The grief of today can become the marvelous tool of tomorrow that enables you to know and love another.


    - this time just Doug (Bill's watching Vincent Price in the Last Man On Earth - we both have flu - ugh)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 02, 2009 11:00 PM GMT
    Kinda going through the same thing right now myself. My ex and I broke up about a month and a half maybe two months ago. We've still been talking, but every time he does the same ol stupid stuff again I try to walk away...only to find something that reminds me of him, or he texts me, or I see him at the gym. Like what was said, it takes time, but you also have to really want to get over him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 02, 2009 11:20 PM GMT
    Time. That's how you get over a guy. But you have it slightly worse, because it sounds like you have to try and get over him as a friend as well.

    What works for me is throwing myself into a million different activities. Being distracted helps. Sure, have your Bridget Jones moments; have your 'I hate men' moments; but remember that that's going to fade.

    Don't forget that you dated him for 2.5 years; don't expect to get over him quickly.

    Oh, and maybe don't date for a while. It's unfair to compare a new guy to your ex, and that's all you're going to do.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 02, 2009 11:22 PM GMT
    I've found that just knowing I was able to love someone unconditionally was the best feeling I could ever have. Be thankful you had a moment in time. I don't think you ever really "get over" someone you love. I agree that all things take time...and be careful who you trust your heart to....make sure they are worthy of that trust. Good luck and love yourself first.
  • camfer

    Posts: 891

    Dec 02, 2009 11:44 PM GMT
    This will sound totally backwards and crazy, but consider just allowing yourself to fully feel all the love you have for him instead of coming up with strategies to suppress what is really happening.

    Just because you can't be with him is not the reason to stop loving him. When you can totally accept that you love him and are not with him, then you are being true to what is really happening, and this is in itself very liberating. You have unlimited capacity to love, so let it break you open and show you new things.

    Love yourself, love your ex, and live from this openness, even if it's just as an experiment at first. You can always go back to trying to close yourself or distract yourself, which you're reporting is not really working, but I say it's okay to love him genuinely even if you're not around him or with him anymore.

    True love is not obsessive and is no problem. By struggling to be over him and stop loving him, you end up thinking about him all the time.

    When I made this discovery in the process of wanting to be over someone, everything became instantly easier.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 03, 2009 12:30 AM GMT
    This is the best advice I've ever seen on this topic. Kudos.

    As an addendum, I wish I had the same experience growing up. A song for you (it's one of my favorites):

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eRW2g2l49fk

    camfer saidThis will sound totally backwards and crazy, but consider just allowing yourself to fully feel all the love you have for him instead of coming up with strategies to suppress what is really happening.

    Just because you can't be with him is not the reason to stop loving him. When you can totally accept that you love him and are not with him, then you are being true to what is really happening, and this is in itself very liberating. You have unlimited capacity to love, so let it break you open and show you new things.

    Love yourself, love your ex, and live from this openness, even if it's just as an experiment at first. You can always go back to trying to close yourself or distract yourself, which you're reporting is not really working, but I say it's okay to love him genuinely even if you're not around him or with him anymore.

    True love is not obsessive and is no problem. By struggling to be over him and stop loving him, you end up thinking about him all the time.

    When I made this discovery in the process of wanting to be over someone, everything became instantly easier.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 03, 2009 2:24 AM GMT


    here abelian0, for you...





    WOW, what a lot of great guys you are!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 03, 2009 2:24 AM GMT
    Time would be my only advice. It's the only thing that really helps me. Good luck, I hope things go well for you. icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 03, 2009 2:27 AM GMT
    A quick bandaid, that can eventually turn into a longterm fix, is to find new friends who you really get along with.

    Put yourself out there and be vulnerable. Don't let yourself build up walls that will prevent good things from coming your way.

    Most importantly: Love, forgive, and let it fade into the background.

    It's all pretty common, but I always found that nothing beats good friends and taking up a new hobby that you're really into.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 03, 2009 2:28 AM GMT
    wow OP you are such a handsomely beautiful man! If any man dumps you, he is a fucken idiot. I don't get it..
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 03, 2009 2:30 AM GMT
    I can't get over my Italian ex but I am still love with him.icon_redface.gif He was my first and last
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Dec 03, 2009 3:38 AM GMT
    sorry to hear that stud. i was miserable after my first break up and it literally took me fleeing the continent to get him out of my mind and life. Many years later, we are actually good friends, but it took a lot to get to that point.
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    Dec 03, 2009 4:21 AM GMT
    To ALL the STUDS,
    I can relate what you mean by geting over with your ex-bf! My story is TRUE!
    When I moved to CA 6 years ago. I found a TRUE BADASS BADBOY with a funk/rock band. We was a HOT couple in Northen CA. Later on, I did found out mine bf David was having groupies,. I personal think their basly trouble when you have a band but nooo the lead singer don't think so. More the few year had pass The groupies left the band, But David found a female as a gf and been dating with out me telling me. At the time David say he was 100 o/o gay. When I found out! I was PO and I split with him on Feb 2009 when I did that thing got UGLY! David split with his band, after that he got after ALL mine dates and rail road all to most of them. David did thing without add my pic in porn sites and other site w/o telling me. I got after him and he STILL doing it! I got a Lawer NAILED his ass good! So he did stop for a short time but He knows ALL my hide outs. That include this web site! I did changer my user name and pass word but that clever SOB still finds me!icon_twisted.gif
    I did moved on with a NEW badboy and saddly it did not last long we split for 7 months. We really was a true match for me. He ideal on a date is watch sports and drink HEAVLY on beer or other hard liquarer! I was his bf but when I need some LOVE I was in the back burner! icon_evil.gif

    Now I am SINGLE again!icon_biggrin.gif I known Mr. Right is out there but It take time to find your true love! Since I am bi-curs (NOT GAY) I do have the opt to date both sex! Few guys say I am bi in which I am more then plan bi and yet NOT gay any shape or form! Just in the curs side of studs that all! In CA term that normal! I can't say other states or countrys!

    Badwild
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 03, 2009 5:32 AM GMT
    Guys, I'm blown away by the wise, generous and heart-felt advice offered here. Talk about support! tmoks, you're one lucky dude ... you've got a lot of guys pulling for you and willing to help.

    I only want to repeat some key points that hit home for me:

    * Be thankful for the relationship you did have with this guy, now move on
    * Time heals, time opens up new opportunities, but time takes time ... tough as it sounds, be patient and slowly you'll feel the past fading
    * In the meantime, DO NOT put your life on hold ...
    * Meet new guys ... pursue other interests ... keep improving yourself ... and keep defining for yourself what you want most in your next guy
    * And ... in those tough moments when nothing seems to help ... take that guy's advice: try peeing in a bottle icon_smile.gif

    Good luck, man.
  • rdberg1957

    Posts: 662

    Dec 03, 2009 5:33 AM GMT
    actually, you can detach emotion from the memory. There is a technique in therapy called EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) that may help remove the trauma from the experience. It will still be sad, but it will be less painful. See if you can find a therapist who does EMDR.