Did you get rejected by straight mates?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 27, 2007 11:33 PM GMT
    I'm in the process of coming out over the next few months (i'm 24), and I am worried some of my straight friends will reject me.

    You know the types - they take the piss out of gay people all the time etc (I also did that). I am very concerned that I will lose a huge part of my life when I come out and I will have to start making a whole new bunch of friends - which I don't mind, but I want the old as well.

    I know people say 'if they can't accept what you are, then they aren't your real friends', but if I were in their shoes, I think I may have reacted in a similar vein.

    Have any of you experienced this rejection? I am afraid of being alone because of this. I do fear my family will reject me also (very traditional Italian parents and relatives).

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 27, 2007 11:51 PM GMT
    I can honestly say none of my friendships - many of whom were with straight guys - suffered when I came out, and most actually got closer. I think there were a couple reasons for this.

    For one, we'd been friends for years (in some cases) by then, with too much built into the friendship to arbitrarily dismiss it.

    Secondly, I was 26 at the time, and my friends were generally of similar age...so they'd outgrown the knee-jerk rash "oh my god!" reactions more typical (though I won't generalize here) of younger kids who maybe aren't as settled and comfortable in their own masculinities and identities. My being gay didn't threaten them.

    Thirdly, almost all my buddies said they felt a lot closer to me after I came out, as there was an undefined awkwardness of sorts that none of us could pinpoint that was gone afterward. Suddenly they knew why I wasn't as enthusiastic as them in showing my admiration for the opposite sex and such...whereas before they'd read certain behaviors of mine as an aloof distancing of myself from them.

    And finally, the no-brainer. Whether I was conscious of my sexuality all those years before I came out or not, at some fundamental level I knew obviously bigoted homophobes weren't people I wanted to hang out with, so by default my social network wasn't a hostile environment to come out in.

    Yes, there were some shocked folks, and maybe some initial discomfort (probably more of my being uncomfortable expecting THEM to be uncomfortable), but in general, coming out was a good experience, not a bad one, in that regard.

    And besides - if your friends don't accept you for who you are, are they really worth keeping around?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 28, 2007 12:25 AM GMT
    The weight that will be lifted from your shoulders will be far more noticable within you than the added weight of a few new troubles.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 28, 2007 12:28 AM GMT
    I agree with McGay. The relief and joy you will feel of living your life will be so great that you wont think back on those others. Being out of the closet and true to yourself is GREAT. Go for it!
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    Dec 28, 2007 12:32 AM GMT
    I agree with the above posters. The other funny thing I got a lot of was that my closest friends said they already knew and were waiting for me to figure it out. Go figure...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 28, 2007 12:45 AM GMT
    It is hard to "come out" and be “un-touched,” Nobody ever said it was easy!
    There are too many clichés to even begin to share with you.
    If you are comfortable with who you are and have resolved the "inner struggle", the coming out part is just another step in the process of integrating your entire life and being honest with yourself and others. Make sure that you are getting the message out the way you want to. As much as possible, control the time, place and situation of where you "out" yourself. Once you start, the "genie" won't go back in the bottle and you may be in a race to beat the "rumor mill", so don't be surprised. Make sure that you are safe. Do not blindly and foolishly endanger your health or your job. The realist says to put yourself in a "safe situation" that "has your back" first.
    In my case, I came out at age 37 and just about kicked the door off my closet because it happened so rapidly! I told family and friends. I lost several friends that I thought were very close and accepting. They apparently weren't either. I lost several fraternity brothers that felt I had lied to them for all those years. The truth be known, they were and still are bigots. I am better off without them. I gained fraternity brothers too, because they understood how life and people can change and grow...They are the "treasures" I never knew I had! I lost a couple of distant cousins, great aunts and uncles. This still stings to this day, but I am a much more healthy and happy person for finally being who I really am. I have added so many NEW friends and have established contact with many new parts of my extended family that for years, were totally cold, unfriendly and missing.
    It is a hard thing to do, to put yourself out there for everyone to get re-acquainted with. Not everyone handles the information the same way and don't be upset if you get some negative responses. Some people need time to process the message and then are fine, some not. Be open to questions and encourage your friends to talk to you about this if they want to, Don't worry and carry yourself with confidence and dignity. Realize something..."managed" and "planned" change is hard to do, change with no plan is just terrifying. HAVE A PLAN! Also realize that at your relatively young age, even if everything goes straight to hell and is a bust, you still won't be alone very long... you can always come back here and start over! Good Luck!
    If you need to talk, feel free to touch base with me or almost anyone on this site.
    Take Care.
    Gary aka SPORTY_Gicon_smile.gif
  • jockdreams

    Posts: 17

    Dec 28, 2007 1:06 AM GMT
    I think that I was lucky because I had surrounded myself with people who were very open-minded and understanding. I definitely agree with some of the posters above that my friendships actually deepened in many ways. I have way more straight friends than gay ones.
  • mcwclewis

    Posts: 1701

    Dec 28, 2007 1:35 AM GMT
    Only one of my friends rejected me when I came out... the rest were a little standoffish at first, but when they realized I hadnt changed, everything was fine again. The one who rejected me ended up coming out in college.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 28, 2007 1:38 AM GMT
    I honestly think my straight friends were more comfortable with my being gay than I was.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 28, 2007 1:40 AM GMT
    I was rejected by only one friend and after all, I don't think that he was a real friend actually. I don't miss him one damn bit.
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    Dec 28, 2007 1:48 AM GMT
    It's all about economics. Will your gains be higher if you come out? Ad it is up to the individual. I only lost 2 friends. One was an uber-catholic. The other guy just kinda didn't keep in touch. It sucks, but I do feel better. Best wishes man.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 28, 2007 1:58 AM GMT
    Those who care, don't matter.... those who matter, don't care
  • Alan95823

    Posts: 306

    Dec 28, 2007 2:48 AM GMT
    In 1983, I graduated high school, turned 18, and came out in that order.

    The only friend I lost was a gal from high school.. she said "Well, we can still be friends, but it will never be the same", and warned that her 5 huge brothers could never find out or they'd beat me to death.

    It wasn't much of a loss, really.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 28, 2007 3:45 AM GMT
    I know how you feel bud. A good buddy of mine who has no idea about me has become good friends with my boy since he's been around so much, and I guess he's just never wondered why. We (me, my boyfriend, and another mutual friend in the know) keep laughing about what we think his reaction'll be if he ever does find out: so far, the highest paying odds are on "it'll blow his mind, and he won't speak for about four days."

    He's a good kid, and I know he wouldn't be any less of a friend if he found out, but I feel the anxiety anyway.
  • Artesin

    Posts: 482

    Dec 28, 2007 5:11 AM GMT
    Being a member of a younger generation none of my straight male friends had any issue what so ever, I think they take pride in teasing actually. When you look at it from the other end of the spectrum and you do get rejected by these suppossed straight friends, the question arises asking "Are they even worth having as friends"? Your 24 not as if losing a few friends actually makes that big of an impact nor would it be hard to pick up a few along the way, ones that don't give a damn about orientation and only personality.
  • calipally

    Posts: 246

    Dec 28, 2007 8:06 AM GMT
    I grew up with three brothers raising race horses, riding motorcycles, shooting guns at just about anything (lol). It was so hard to come out. EVERY one of my friends was straight in college and I generally don't set off any gaydars (which could explain why I can't get a decent date!).

    I finally decided to stop torturing myself and just get it over with. To my surprise, and my friends and family's credit, no one cared. Well, my mom did, but that's a different story.

    Coming out really does separate the wheat from the chaff. You need positive relationships in your life, not ones that are based on some predetermined criteria. Be confident and project a "who gives a shit" attitude and you'll do fine.

    Best of luck.

  • GQjock

    Posts: 11648

    Dec 28, 2007 11:40 AM GMT
    As it turned out it became the other way around
    ...once you come out your entire outlook and frame of reference is going to change
    you're going to be open to meeting new people
    and you're not going to have to settle for the narrow str8 friend crowd anymore
    will some of your friends reject you?
    who knows....but who cares
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 28, 2007 2:22 PM GMT
    I didn't lose any friends and I find that my straight friends seem more comfortable with me being who I am.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 28, 2007 2:49 PM GMT

    "I'm in the process of coming out over the next few months (i'm 24), and I am worried some of my straight friends will reject me."

    If they reject you, they were never your friends to begin with.

    Good luck and Happy New Year!


  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 28, 2007 3:11 PM GMT
    Heh. One of my best friends from college used to laugh about how the only reason we got along was because he could tease me for being gay and I'd tease him for being Jewish. Kind of immature, but we were a southpark crowd, and it kind of leveled the playing field when it came to taking cheap shots.

    We're still good friends, so I guess no harm done =)
  • zakariahzol

    Posts: 2241

    Dec 28, 2007 4:15 PM GMT
    I am closetted gay in my country, but as soon as I leave the boundary of this conservative land I am open gay. Just last week when I am in Thailand I cant believe I just told a taxi driver I am gay and looking for a gay hang out places. In a red district areas of Bangkok a pimp ask me if I am looking for a girl I told him right in the face I am into boys. Yup, it feel liberating , good and true to myself. Frankly I dont care what those folk I meet oversea know my sexuality, but for those here I have to be careful.
  • SoDakGuy

    Posts: 1862

    Dec 28, 2007 4:26 PM GMT
    I did and my family too, but I did have one friend that was always in my corner.

    Jason was a frat guy and looked like an Abercrombie model. He was beautiful on the inside as well as the outside. He had a gay brother (biological) here in Mpls and introduced us. Jason did drop out and started working on television towers. It was his passion and loved it!

    The last time I was him, Jason and his then gf, came to Mpls for Pride. His gay bro was in the military at the time and couldn't be there, so Jason went for him and both Jason and his gf had the best time.

    Unfortunately, Jason passed away over a year ago. He fell 1500 ft from a TV tower he was working on. His safety equipment did not hold him.

    Honestly, I miss him everyday and I try to live my life the way he wanted me to. Hell, his love of lifting rubbed onto me.

    You may lose some friends, but it is a true test of who sticks by you. You'll be surprised.

    Good luck!

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 28, 2007 5:25 PM GMT
    I lost one close friend. I think of him often and I have written to him and sent him cards over the years but only received one response from him. It was a birth announcement for his son. I guess you could say he wanted me to know that part of his life. I have made a lot of new friends since coming out. The one close friend I lost is always there somewhere in my thoughts. I sometimes dream about him. Not sure why I can't let him go. I guess it is part of that whole validation thing. We all want to be validated somehow and maybe in my subconscious I never received the validation I needed from him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 28, 2007 5:35 PM GMT
    you owe it to yourself. i came out on my 31st birthday (and ask the salt to be passed lol), but i always wonder how things would've been had i done it at a younger age... just do it now. x
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    Dec 29, 2007 3:01 PM GMT
    but what is important for you ?
    have you been asked what you doing in bed what do you love
    is so important to you to say to your people "good day I am gay, love man, don't like to be torched by a woman"
    I thing your preference is private and what we all do in bed (gay or no gay) is not for the public
    promiscuity can be hideous if it is public
    but if you been asked and you must give an unsure then you say simple" yes ,and you?
    don't want to miss a friend but don't walk around with that gay pride and we all like a man to be a man no matter what is going on in his bed
    to like man for sex you don't have to be "gay'' if you are Mediterranean origin you do understand
    so take it ease icon_biggrin.gificon_lol.gif