I've never had to deal with this situation before!

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 03, 2009 6:57 PM GMT
    Ok, bare with me. I'm going to foolishly use my age as a means to justify my stupidity (HUSH, yes I CAN do that icon_lol.gif )


    Anyways, maybe this shouldn't go here. It's about my friend's relationship. Any any rate, I've been talking to my friend about his relationship and all. This friend confided in me that he doesn't like the girlfriend he's with. He literally told me that the girlfriend is annoying and he's only going out with her to get some.

    The other side of the situation is that the "girlfriend" happens to be my absolute best friend in the whole entire world since kindergarten. She's actually feeling very good about this guy. She said to me that she can love him, and may already feel in love with him. I haven't said anything yet, but I'm just wondering what should I do about it?


    Should I respect their relationship and say nothing while letting this hardship overflow my friend in heartbreak, or should I say something to her as a best friend and attempt to remedy the situation by getting involved.

    I'm torn because I honestly don't know if it'll make the process any easier, or if I'll just make things worse. As a judgment of righteousness, I would say to warn her as a friend and then let her make her own decision.

    What do you guys think? I don't wanna be the one to break the news to my friend. I'd feel like I'd have something to do with breaking her heart and I'm too considerate of a person to cause anyone grief.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Dec 03, 2009 7:29 PM GMT
    Is it possible you caught the guy at a bad time and he was just annoyed with her about something and didn't really mean it? People can say some pretty hurtful things when they are upset.
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    Dec 03, 2009 7:35 PM GMT
    Timberoo saidIs it possible you caught the guy at a bad time and he was just annoyed with her about something and didn't really mean it? People can say some pretty hurtful things when they are upset.
    That's the first thing that I've considered, and I've had situations pan out exactly like that; however, the way he was describing to me his feelings was nothing but sincere. He said that he didn't want to ever really be with her in the beginning and he feels sorta stuck with her now.

    Man... that would suck to feel like that. icon_confused.gif
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    Dec 03, 2009 7:36 PM GMT
    The guy's a total douche but you really have no place in the situation.
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    Dec 03, 2009 7:40 PM GMT
    McGay saidThe guy's a total douche but you really have no place in the situation.
    That is so hard for me to stomach, even when I feel you're right.

    that stupid guy... -.-
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Dec 03, 2009 7:45 PM GMT
    Soulasphyxi said
    Timberoo saidIs it possible you caught the guy at a bad time and he was just annoyed with her about something and didn't really mean it? People can say some pretty hurtful things when they are upset.
    That's the first thing that I've considered, and I've had situations pan out exactly like that; however, the way he was describing to me his feelings was nothing but sincere. He said that he didn't want to ever really be with her in the beginning and he feels sorta stuck with her now.

    Man... that would suck to feel like that. icon_confused.gif


    That's a shitty situation to be in. It's really no-win one way or the other. If you tell your friend, she's going to be upset and might be mad at you. If you don't tell her and she finds out you knew, she's going to be upset.

    How much does she like and trust this guy?

    If you asked her "If I knew something that I know would hurt you, would you want me to tell you or stay quiet?" how would she respond?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 03, 2009 7:45 PM GMT
    He's an ass, but it's not your place to do something unless he is physically, verbally, or emotionally abusive.

    Just have a gallon of ice cream handy for when the shit hits the fan. She will need you.
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    Dec 03, 2009 7:47 PM GMT
    Oh that's a crappy situation.

    My advice for now is to get involved only by reminding your bud that his girlfriend is your very good friend and you can't and won't see her get hurt or misled. And that you care for him as well and don't want to see him stuck in a relationship he doesn't want. And tell him that if he is certain about how he feels, he needs to break it to her soon. He may need some time to do it, but that will also give you time to observe and think about just how much more involved you want to get should he continue fucking up her life.

    I think it's great that you care about them enough to worry about it.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Dec 03, 2009 7:48 PM GMT
    Or you could ask her, "What would you do if you knew something that would hurt me? Would you tell me, knowing I'd be hurt and might get mad at you about it? Or would you keep quiet and wait until whatever it is happens?"
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    Dec 03, 2009 7:49 PM GMT
    Don't talk to her. Talk to him. He's the idiot in this who doesn't know how to end it or talk plainly with her.

    This doesn't involve you with your friend so he can't use that against you as a wedge issue.

    But to be gentle... 'console' him essentially on how to talk with his emotions, if your friend gets wind of what you are doing with her boyfriend, just say that he said these things to you before and you didn't want to create a wedge or be THAT guy.

    Talk to him, not her.
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    Dec 03, 2009 7:52 PM GMT
    McGay saidThe guy's a total douche but you really have no place in the situation.


    Intervene and it's guaranteed that both parties will blame you for whatever goes wrong.
    They're adults, let them make their own relationship decisions -- since they will anyway.

    Have your friends ever tried to convince you that someone you were seeing is all wrong for you? If they have, did it deter you one iota from going on seeing him?
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    Dec 03, 2009 7:52 PM GMT
    Either way your friend is going to have her heart broken. Whether or not you choose to break the news ( softly ) or she figures it out on her own ( I hope she's not so dumb she can't figure it out on her own eventually ), plan to be there for her so she can cry on your shoulder and get on with her life. Yeah he's a douchebag maybe you should dump him as a friend yourself.
  • shirty

    Posts: 290

    Dec 03, 2009 8:03 PM GMT
    Put yourself in her shoes. If my best friend knew that my boyfriend said those things about me and didn't tell me I'd be pissed. Friendships should involve honesty.

    If you've been friends that long it's highly unlikely that she would be mad at you for telling her the truth. She should value your opinion if you're really that close.

    It's not your job to protect her from the hurt she will go through when she realizes he's an ass. That's treating her like a child. Tell her what you experienced and let her decide how she wants to deal with it - and offer your support in the matter.

    However, when telling her, don't just jump to the idea that the guy's an ass. Offer the possibility that he was just in a foul mood or that he may not have a meant it.

    Honesty is always the best policy - but that's just my opinion.

    Good luck with whatever you decide!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 03, 2009 8:12 PM GMT
    One final thought: Is it possible that he told you this stuff because he knew you were her good friend and would end up telling her? Then he wouldn't have to break it to her himself. I'm completely speculating, but I wonder...


  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 03, 2009 8:37 PM GMT
    Um, didn't HE involve you by telling you. You're in it man!
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    Dec 03, 2009 8:47 PM GMT
    Soulasphyxi saidOk, bare with me. I'm going to foolishly use my age as a means to justify my stupidity (HUSH, yes I CAN do that icon_lol.gif )


    Anyways, maybe this shouldn't go here. It's about my friend's relationship. Any any rate, I've been talking to my friend about his relationship and all. This friend confided in me that he doesn't like the girlfriend he's with. He literally told me that the girlfriend is annoying and he's only going out with her to get some.

    The other side of the situation is that the "girlfriend" happens to be my absolute best friend in the whole entire world since kindergarten. She's actually feeling very good about this guy. She said to me that she can love him, and may already feel in love with him. I haven't said anything yet, but I'm just wondering what should I do about it?


    Should I respect their relationship and say nothing while letting this hardship overflow my friend in heartbreak, or should I say something to her as a best friend and attempt to remedy the situation by getting involved.

    I'm torn because I honestly don't know if it'll make the process any easier, or if I'll just make things worse. As a judgment of righteousness, I would say to warn her as a friend and then let her make her own decision.

    What do you guys think? I don't wanna be the one to break the news to my friend. I'd feel like I'd have something to do with breaking her heart and I'm too considerate of a person to cause anyone grief.


    Stay out of it, or you'll end up pissing them both off. Don't engage either of them in any discussions about the status of their relationship.
  • tas_515

    Posts: 133

    Dec 03, 2009 8:51 PM GMT
    Soul, as demonstrated in the replies, this has nothing to do with your age or stupidity. Dodgy stuff, at any age.
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    Dec 03, 2009 8:52 PM GMT
    Soulasphyxi saidOk, bare with me.


    AHA! Where are you at, Caslon....don't you have some policing to do here? Huh!?

    Ok, I'll do it:

    Well, Soulasphyxi....I'd love to bare with you....but where; here in public or someplace private? girl emoticon Pictures, Images and Photos

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 03, 2009 9:13 PM GMT
    If he's involved you, he's involved you for his purposes - your friendship would not survive your intervention. That might be his purpose.

    Be her soft place to fall when she works it out herself.
  • shirty

    Posts: 290

    Dec 03, 2009 9:21 PM GMT
    I think some of the responses here are not taking into account that the OP mentioned he is best friends with her since kindergarten. If any of you have had a close friend for that long you probably know that you value them enough not to end a friendship over something like this.

    In my opinion, if you love and respect her you will tell her what happened. To assume that she would end her friendship with you for saying what happened seems silly to me. Unless she doesn't actually value you as a friend as much as you value her.

    Once again, if you were her what you would prefer? Ignorance (and faux bliss) or the truth?
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    Dec 03, 2009 9:26 PM GMT
    you tell your mate your pissed at him for behaving so lowly and you keep your mouth shut with the girl, you haven't been involved you've only been informed.

    Gawd I hate it when people make the assumption that because you've been told your somehow involved... NO, you aren't involved, if the guy asks you to do something he's trying to involve you, not before!
  • camfer

    Posts: 891

    Dec 03, 2009 9:57 PM GMT
    You initial question has been answered well. Forgive me for offering unsolicited advice for phase II of this, but here goes.

    They're going to break up. When they do this, don't offer your opinion of the guy, just be the supportive friend without speaking negatively about him. You never know if they are going to get back together, no matter what either of them say to you.
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    Dec 03, 2009 10:46 PM GMT
    You need to tell your male friend to grow a pair, be kind to other people, and be kind to the ladyfolk, and let her down gently, rather than use her as a receptacle for his semen.
  • Matia79

    Posts: 215

    Dec 03, 2009 10:54 PM GMT
    shirty saidI think some of the responses here are not taking into account that the OP mentioned he is best friends with her since kindergarten. If any of you have had a close friend for that long you probably know that you value them enough not to end a friendship over something like this.

    In my opinion, if you love and respect her you will tell her what happened. To assume that she would end her friendship with you for saying what happened seems silly to me. Unless she doesn't actually value you as a friend as much as you value her.

    Once again, if you were her what you would prefer? Ignorance (and faux bliss) or the truth?


    Disagree. If you respect and love her that much then you'd know to stay out of it and let make her own decisions/discoveries. As said above, you tell the guy he's scum and to pull his head out of his ass...say nothing to the girl. I have a lifelong friend like that and I also know well enough to stay out of her business unless called for...once I'm called in, it's no holds-barred. Until such time, keep your mouth shut and avoid the subject all-together (with her).
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    Dec 03, 2009 11:23 PM GMT
    Tell both that you feel that they should either piss or get off the pot. He has to decide whether he wants to be w/her or someone else... If it doesn't work out the way she wants, well be there for her cause she's gonna need your support...