What do I think of him when I miss him?

  • bluecrow

    Posts: 166

    Dec 07, 2009 8:47 AM GMT
    Sunday, June 29, 2008

    What do I think of him when I miss him?

    A boy who I met randomly shuts me down over a SMS after we spent 4 nights together. My mind tells me that I have to erase him from my memory, but my heart just drives me crazy, and eventually the winner always be my heart.

    Was it sex that I wanted from him? Yes, the sex was wonderful to me, and I know it can always get better and better. But I know it isn't sex, that the only thing, that trapped me.

    I think I was actually even considering to buy a router... so when he comes over we can share the internet connection. And all those sort of small things keep popping up into my mind. Silly? Yes, I know, but isn't this what I have been imagined for years if I found someone to live together with? Shopping for a bar of chocolate can be a sweet thing of being with him.

    Doesn't the feeling of miss him just make me keep thinking all those good qualities of him? Are those all true? I intend to believe so. No doubt, he's a sweet boy, at least he can be quite sweet with the one he wants to be with. Shit, I have to make him bad, make him cruel in my mind. As it's not about him, it's about me trying to get rid of him from my mind.

    He wants us to be just friends, and I think I would be happy with whatever I can get from him, giving the circumstances that I am still quite crazy about him. However, I don't really believe that is going to work as long as I have feelings of being more than just friends for him. Doesn't between close friends require more real attraction than between lovers? Friends spend time together because they want to, because they truly like each other... friends don't have sex... usually, so the big sex factor will not help.

    Almost two weeks since he sent me that SMS, we are still keeping in touch. He tries to tell me that he likes me so much as a friend, and he doesn't want me to feel hurt. Yes, he's sweet, but I am blind, I only wish he could wants me more than a friend. I have tried everything to let myself given up on him. You know things like erase his messages, erase his phone number, erase his messenger ID, block him on my messenger. I only wish I was born with an erase button so now it's time to push that button.

    I know eventually this will be fade out from my mind, I won't feel crazy about him anymore. It will be just another sad story. Things happen, this is life.

    So what I think about him at the moment? I think I can remember the first night that we were spending the time together... We shared so much thought with each other, I thought, gee, I liked this soul, and the music was wonderful.
  • bluecrow

    Posts: 166

    Dec 07, 2009 8:55 AM GMT
    So that was more than a year ago. I hasn't been easy for me to erase him from my memory, but I had only been with him a few days. Sometimes, it's so strange and weird the human mind.

    I left the city, then moved to another country. No, those decisions have nothing to do with him. I made those decisions long time ago. I lost contact eventually. I guess to keep in touch with him meant something to me at the time, well, probably meant nothing to him anyway.

    It's a sad story, but I do understand now, there's nothing he can do to force him to like me. He's just not into me, there's nothing he can do about it. Same, I can't force myself to like somebody who likes me. Life is hard, isn't it?

    But it's just every time, we fall, we get out, we lost a piece from the heart. Eventually, we seldom feel anything anymore. I guess that's also life.

    Such an old story...
  • jrs1

    Posts: 4388

    Jan 15, 2010 10:30 AM GMT

    ha. yeah ... life can be hard. especially when it comes to having feelings for other guys. companionship is easier, so stick with that until your heart can no longer hide it.

    - what do I think of when I miss him?

    I think of the way he smells. what he wears to bed and lack thereof. the way he looks at me when he smiles or when he's discovered something new. I miss the way he likes to put an arm around me as he sleeps, even though he snores (but so do I). I miss the way he likes to keep me close to him when we're together. I miss his awkwardness when he is aroused and does not wish to vocalize it. there are many things to miss in an ex- or someone who has moved on or that you've move on from ... but their memories and lessons will always have painted you anew. c'est la vie!

  • drypin

    Posts: 1798

    Jan 15, 2010 2:06 PM GMT
    Nicely expressed, gents.
  • bluecrow

    Posts: 166

    Jan 20, 2010 1:43 AM GMT

    Thank you, nice reply!
    I guess that was awhile ago, he never felt for me, and I have moved on. However, it still amazed me that how much one can fall for another.

    I actually moved to another country (no, not because of him). I recently moved in to share a house with a young cute boy. The more I spend time with him, the more I find him cute. However, I don't think he has the same feelings for me. So I guess you are right, companionship. As flatmates I should feel grateful. Just like it, it's cool. icon_biggrin.gif