How do you just be someone's friend when you've been in a relationship with them for almost two years and it just didn't work out??

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    Dec 30, 2007 1:39 AM GMT
    I just ended an almost two year relationship. It ended up becoming long distant and too difficult. But how do you become just a friend when you've invested so much of your time into this person. You don't want to drop them like a hat...Any advice??
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Dec 30, 2007 1:50 AM GMT
    It's not easy, but if you're both honest and want it, it can work.
  • Hunter9

    Posts: 1039

    Dec 30, 2007 1:54 AM GMT
    you don't... if it didnt work as a couple, thats it... otherwise SOMEONE is going to get hurt
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    Dec 30, 2007 1:57 AM GMT
    Chet,
    That just happened to me. But we had a 3 year, intimate and were living together. I've never been able to remain just friends with any of my exes prior this last one. But, we were together long enough and got to know each other for better and worse. We both really bettered each other. I'll admit, we did drive each other crazy. But we broke up because he didn't feel he was In Love with me; though he does love me...

    However, you said you had a long distant and difficult relationship. Your relationship may not work so straightfowardly. I personally never felt a relationship could work from a distance. A partner's touch is too intimate and theraputic to be put aside.

    What I can really advice you is that you should allow him to go ahead and do what he's going to do, and say whatever he's going to say. You can't and really shouldn't try to stop him. More importantly, you should go on and live your life, and don't get stuck in the 'what if' state of mind. There are many men out there. Some for play, some for friendship, and some few for keeps. You never know which one will be the next you meet, and you will make you forget about this and other ended relationship.
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    Dec 30, 2007 2:07 AM GMT
    Its also far easier to transition into friendship if you are both truly "OK" that it ended. If one person is still hoping for things to rekindle it will always be awkward. At least that is what I am finding out right now.
    In my situation I'm finding it much easier to take a complete break. Not talk for some time. Let things rest. And hope that we can remember why we were friends in the first place.
  • Artesin

    Posts: 482

    Dec 30, 2007 2:21 AM GMT
    It all comes down to a state of mind. Act like friends and youll just be friends, unless one of you makes it difficult. Though cant say it works all the time, ended a one year relationship and the other person wants to make everything seem like my fault while turning into a broken and twisted bipolar bitch. icon_rolleyes.gif
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    Dec 30, 2007 2:24 AM GMT
    It depends on the people involved, their maturity level (which isn't always determined by age), and what each person involved truly feels and wants. Sometimes you simply can't step back from being lovers to being friends... sometimes its just too complicated, or there's too much history/baggage, or one wants friendship and the other wants to get back together.

    On the other hand, if you're both ok with the relationship ending and you both really want to be in each other's lives, then both of you have to recognize the importance of the initial friendship and that its worth too much to throw away. How you get to that point and separate the friendship feelings from the love/romantic/sexual feelings is something that each of you will have to figure out on your own. It can be done... I've been there before many times... but it can be a lot to wrap your head around at first.

    A suggestion... if the breakup is still new and/or the vibe between you feels too awkward, perhaps both of you taking a little time for yourselves with minimal to no contact from the other (for say a month or so) is a good idea. That can allow the freshness of the breakup to fade and give you both a chance to "shift gears" in the way you think of each other. There's nothing wrong with taking a breather now and then.

    Good luck!
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    Dec 30, 2007 2:30 AM GMT
    Chet, I feel for you. I don't know if this will help but... In June the relationship I was in for 12 years ended. Like Knowsurrender's situation, my boyfriend just didn't love me anymore, although he still loves me as a friend - and wants us to remain friends. I imagine that that will be possible at some point, but I was in love with him when it ended, so I need more space to let him go.

    My advice is to allow some time to let things settle. See how things evolve and where you heart is over time. For me, a clean break with as little contact as possible until I'm over it is a good thing (we had to sell an apartment and handle other financial issues so could not be totally without contact). I do imagine we will be friends at some point in the future, but right now it doesn't seem the best idea for me.

    Good luck figuring it out.

    ~ Craig
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    Dec 30, 2007 5:05 AM GMT
    Craig
    you are amazing to survive this. God bless you.
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    Dec 30, 2007 6:00 AM GMT
    Yes it's possible. But two things need to be accounted for, the first is exactly what uastud7777 said above, so I won't repeat it.

    The other is that there can be no animosity on either side.

    Therefore as also stated, you need time apart first with no contact so you can get your bearings and gain acceptance.

    I hope this isn't too cryptic.
  • upsguy68

    Posts: 270

    Dec 30, 2007 6:15 AM GMT
    I ended a 14 year relationship, luckily it was amicable. We even continued to live together a couple of months afterwards. However, I feel that if you really want to move on with your life, you really need to break all ties. At least for a while. That could be a couple of months or even longer. You need to take time to mourn that relationship and to get over it.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Dec 30, 2007 12:17 PM GMT
    It's not easy....
    All your good intentions will mean nothing if your former bf doesn't feel the same
    but if you're willing to try - talk to him
    see how he feels
    you being far apart from each other will help
    if you lived closer the animosity after a breakup is tougher to get over
    my best friend is a former boyfriend but we didn't talk to one another for a year after we broke up
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    Dec 30, 2007 9:30 PM GMT
    I would agree that the one overriding factor is the maturity level of both parties involved. No matter your best intentions, complete disclosure, honesty, and etc., I've found that it still boils down to maturity and an ability to move forward without holding resentment, bitterness, or blame on either party.
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    Dec 30, 2007 10:00 PM GMT
    I had a telephone conversation a few months ago with an ex. We hadn't spoken in seven years. I think if I still lived in Virginia we might be able to work our way around to friendship, but I'm here, he's there, and nothing much will come of it, I'm afraid.

    It took seven years for the bad feelings to subside. (!)
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    Dec 30, 2007 10:46 PM GMT
    I'd agree with much that has been said. I'm actually traveling to Florida in three weeks to spend 5 days with my ex. It will be the longest time we've been together since we broke up 2.5 years ago. It's key that you're both okay that you broke up, and that you both want to be friends. For us, we spent 17 years total together, so we had too much in common to really divorce ourselves from each other completely. Granted, if it ended badly and there wasn't any trust there, it probably wouldn't have worked out for us. We're still working out how to be friends after so long a time, but the 1500 miles helps!

    We do email and phone all the time, and there's still love there, but it's a different type than when we were together.
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    Dec 31, 2007 8:40 PM GMT
    ebl333 saidCraig
    you are amazing to survive this. God bless you.


    Thanks very much.
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    Jan 03, 2008 7:15 PM GMT
    I recently had this situtation where the man I thought might be the one, turne out to be a rebound for him as he was trying to come out/ divorce his wife. So now I feel used but I accept that I allowed that. I was the one who initiated the kiss. And now that it might be over, I just want to walk away, but he won't let go, but only expects me to be a friend. The old song, "I hate myself for loving you.." comes to mind because I do love him and he loves me he's just not in love with me. I want to be the bigger man and accept it, just to have him around, but then I wonder what the hell I am doing, teasing myself. I read over everyone's advic eon making a break, but do I have to give up my Best Friend because I can't deal with the realizty that he doe snot feel for me as I feel for him? It's just one of life's little fuck-ups!icon_twisted.gif
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    Jan 03, 2008 7:33 PM GMT
    I don't really understand the need in the gay world to stay friends with exes. In fact, I find it strange. How many hetero guys and girls do you know who stay friends after they split up? I think it's good to remain FRIENDLY, but friends? Why? You were dating, it didn't work, and now you want to hang out as buddies without the sex? I don't get it.

    In my experiences, it's nearly impossible to toss out all of the intimate relationship feeling and change the very nature of your relationship to that of a pure friendship. I've known a lot of gay guys who try this stuff and they all end up jealous. Get a few drinks in them and, next thing you know, someone is upset because the ex, who is now just a friend (yeah right), is chatting with another guy at the bar, etc.

    I've stayed friendly with all of my exes. Over the years, I'd say that I've even developed a genuine friendship with one of them. But it took time. I don't think it's possible to flip a switch from boyfriend to friend. It takes time and quite often it's simply not meant to be.

    I suggest that you move on with your life and let your ex move on with his. If and when you're meant to reconnect as friends, you will. Don't worry about how much time you've invested, etc. That's what we do in relationships. Not to sound harsh, but sometimes it pays off and sometimes you cut your losses. Let the emotions settle down and give each other some space and time to reflect. If and when it feels right, you'll find a way to rekindle the friendship. But don't try to go from boyfriends to friends overnight.

    Good luck!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 05, 2008 11:38 PM GMT
    My partner is friends with all his exes. I would have to agree with his reasoning.
    If you are friends before the relationship...why cant you be friend after the relationship?

    donald
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 05, 2008 11:50 PM GMT
    Well, well, well... look what the rogerabbit dug up! lol
    I wonder if the OP is still around...
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  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 06, 2008 4:26 PM GMT
    uastud7777 saidIts also far easier to transition into friendship if you are both truly "OK" that it ended. If one person is still hoping for things to rekindle it will always be awkward. At least that is what I am finding out right now.
    In my situation I'm finding it much easier to take a complete break. Not talk for some time. Let things rest. And hope that we can remember why we were friends in the first place.


    I agree...........You need a complete break and later on try the freindship.......and very true....time to reflect and appreciate why you were friends in the first place.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 06, 2008 4:57 PM GMT
    u don't. unless you thrive on drama and tension- some do.
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    Jun 06, 2008 5:22 PM GMT
    *ouch*
  • kinetic

    Posts: 1125

    Jun 06, 2008 5:37 PM GMT
    czarodziej saidu don't. unless you thrive on drama and tension- some do.


    I don't believe thats entirely true.
    Maybe to an extent, but in some cases time heals all wounds and I do believe that real love never completely goes away.

    Maybe (this is me addressing the original poster) a few years down the road if you bump into each other and you are both in a good place with your lives, you will be friends.
    I know many gay men that are very close w/ their Ex/s, so it is possible.
    Then again, there are some people that may be better off out of your life altogether.

    Ok I'm done.
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  • Jacob_dane

    Posts: 100

    Sep 21, 2008 9:51 PM GMT
    my ex and i have known each other for 2 and a half years now and out of those weve lived together for i believe 2 of them.. we dated for a year and seven months. we are now living together again.. we have an awesome relationship. we make great friends. if you both want it... you can make it happen... you jsut both will ahve to be very cautious to the other ones needs and try not to walk all over the other's feelings. it gets easier with time...