Am I really gay? Or am I reading too much into this?

  • SolidRanger

    Posts: 108

    Dec 09, 2009 6:03 AM GMT
    Hey guys, I'm kind of trying to figure out if I'm gay or if I'm just reading to much into things. This will be long so you've been warned.

    So I'm a 23 year old guy. Ever since I was about 12 I found myself interested in "gay things" like gay characters in movies/tv shows, as well as found myself watching tranny porn pretty much exclusively. I also had a few other so called abnormal behavior. Like I had only female friends and I read Babysitters Club books when the other boys read Goosebumps. As time went on other things happened, such as when I was about 13 my 16 year old neighbor invited me over once and he had me jerk him off. I'm not sure how I felt about it at the time so I tried not to think about it much.

    Flash forward a few years I started to find myself getting into gay porn in addition to tranny porn, but I had never actually felt attracted to another guy. I tried dating girls in high school and junior high but it never really worked out. I would develop huge crushes on these girls, but I never took the effort to make anything of it. Other guys I knew had a natural drive to score and hit on girls, I never really did, I just had crushes. As far as getting laid, I never did all through high school. I really felt the pressure to lose my virginity but it didn't happen and I felt like a failure for graduating high school without getting laid.

    So I graduated from high school. Started working full time and living on my own. I ended up meeting a transvestite online who wanted to hook up and go on a date. So I agreed. Picked her up and we went to a concert. She was over 6 foot tall and wore some skimpy skirt and heels. People starred (I live in Idaho btw). She looked good but it wasn't hard for people to figure out she was a guy. We ended up making out and leaving the concert early, going back to her place and had sex. It was weird that even though I was completely inexperienced with all things sexual, I felt surprisingly confident and it was the best sex I've had even to this day. We started hanging out alot, and having sex even when she didn't dress. One surprising thing was how much her stubble against my face when we kissed made me so aroused. Honestly I was extremely attracted to him/her. Butterflies in the stomach kind of things. I still think about her pretty often and if given the opportunity would run back to her.

    Well that eventually fizzled out. I ended up meeting a female coworker of mine and we hit it off. She called me one night and invited me over for a booty call. I was a little drunk and the sex was awkward. I couldn't even get it up for very long. We ended up hooking up a few more times and it turned into a relationship that lasted for 6 months. Honestly I felt like I loved her, but it was extremely difficult to get an erection when we had sex. I basically had to think about cock in order to get a boner. She eventually dumped me because I wasn't ready to get married yet (I always vowed that I wouldn't get married until I was atleast 25, and she didn't want to wait).

    I dated another girl for a few weeks, had more ackward sex and broke up with her, and I've basically have not been attracted to a single girl ever since. I go to college and I'm surrounded by beautiful girls, but aside from admiring their beauty or their body, I am not finding myself interested. My friends bring me along to strip clubs every so often. They do nothing for me. I have never gotten an erection at a strip club, not even once.

    So now I am actually finding myself attracted to men, but very very few men, pretty much only openly gay men. Probably 99% of guys I look at and they do nothing for me, but openly gay men, especially effeminate gay men, turn my crank. And I go through these phases where I'm finally convinced "OK, I'm gay, and that's ok" followed by phases where I'm full of regret and shame and feel I've made a mistake.

    It's very confusing. I just want to find love and happiness. I honestly don't want to be gay even though its seeming more and more obvious that I am. It's like my mind and heart are fighting against my body and sexuality. I honestly fear that if I accept that I'm gay that I will live a unhappy, loveless life because I never actually found someone special, just hookups.

    Any advice/comments you guys have would be greatly appreciated. I know I sound ridiculous, but I'm looking for some answers.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 09, 2009 6:08 AM GMT
    it sounds like you're torn.


    the fact that you're on here, asking gay men and divulging......a uh...lot about your personal life speaks wonders.



    nobody here can tell you if you're gay or not. there's not some kind of test. If one is to look back at the research and views held by Alfred Kinsey and the sexuality "Sliding scale" that he set up you may find that you're bisexual, or bisexual with gay tendencies or gay with straight or blah blah blah blah blah but the fact of the matter is that none of that shit really matters.

    it doesn't really matter what any of us say or think. what do YOU think?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 09, 2009 6:15 AM GMT
    I'd say gay with a but....

    Your obviously incredibly conflicted about what you feel is right for you.
    The comment "followed by phases where I'm full of regret and shame and feel I've made a mistake." is the key here, you are grappling with your own ideas of what you should be instead of working on accepting what you are (be that gay, bi, straight)

    Being who you are is never wrong, it's societies constant pressure on people to be like everyone else that is wrong.

    I say gay because of the comments you made about "effeminate gay men" and because women aren't turning you on.

    There isn't anything wrong with who you are, you just have to work on accepting who you are not changing it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 09, 2009 6:19 AM GMT
    I wouldn't waste too much time trying to label yourself, but it sounds like you are a homosexual. And there's nothing wrong with that.

    Saying you think accepting you are gay will lead you to a unhappy and loveless life is a bit of a head-scratcher. Do you think denying these feelings will be the path to happiness? And let's be honest, heterosexuality is NOT to the path to happiness and fulfillment. Look at how many of those clowns are miserable.

    Be patient and focus on having fun with where you are right now. It'll be gone before you know it. icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 09, 2009 6:57 AM GMT
    Well...

    Loads of guys aren't looking for hookups, like me.
  • SolidRanger

    Posts: 108

    Dec 09, 2009 7:25 AM GMT
    unfounded7 saidSaying you think accepting you are gay will lead you to a unhappy and loveless life is a bit of a head-scratcher. Do you think denying these feelings will be the path to happiness? And let's be honest, heterosexuality is NOT to the path to happiness and fulfillment. Look at how many of those clowns are miserable.


    Well I guess if I think about it I may have this attitude because I'm looking at the gay lifestyle from the outside looking in. Sometimes I look at the gay scene and at times it just seems like a bunch of wild sex and debauchery. I often worry that I'm not gonna find someone who actually wants a relationship, just a string of casual encounters that lead nowhere. It just seems to me that me wanting a serious relationship would make me sort of an outsider.

    But again, I have virtually zero experience with the gay lifestyle. I currently have no gay friends. I've never been to a gay bar. I don't have anyone to go with since I have no gay friends. Not to mention that the city's residence gay club, is not specifically gay and many straight people are regular there...including my brother and his girlfriend. So venturing out there could leave me having to explain to my brother why I'm there talking to gay dudes. I'd rather not be outted before I'm even convinced that I'm gay to begin with.

    There's also just my family and friends. I'm resistant to being gay because it could very well kill what little of a good relationship I have with my father. My mother and sister know of my escapades with the tranny and have been subtly supportive.

    As far as compared to heteros, I guess I just feel like the odds are better or something. I mean I could see myself marrying a woman...but I know that's not gonna quench my gay sex appetites, and I definitely don't want to be one of those closet married dudes who cheats on his wife with men.

    Oh how I envy those who just know they're gay and accept it early on. Here I am 23 years old and I feel like I haven't even started my adult life yet.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 09, 2009 7:56 AM GMT
    I say this...who did you have FUN with the most and WHO did you enjoy the MOST? The first scenario correct? Life is far to short not to really enjoy what you want. There is something for everyone. Just because others look at you oddly at a concert is no reason to shy away from it. Even if you didn't shy away from it...it matters not how anyone one feels......BUT YOU!!!! You and the person your with!
  • SolidRanger

    Posts: 108

    Dec 09, 2009 8:05 AM GMT
    Mystic_Man saidI say this...who did you have FUN with the most and WHO did you enjoy the MOST? The first scenario correct? Life is far to short not to really enjoy what you want. There is something for everyone. Just because others look at you oddly at a concert is no reason to shy away from it. Even if you didn't shy away from it...it matters not how anyone one feels......BUT YOU!!!! You and the person your with!


    Yeah definitely the first scenario. Back then there was no confusion or anything. I know I really liked him, and when it was going on I felt like everything made sense. And going out with him, while he's dressed fully like a woman, arm in arm, and making out in front of all those shocked faces was extremely liberating and exhilarating at the same time. Then it all fall apart and I became the wreck you're all reading about tonight.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Dec 09, 2009 3:44 PM GMT
    There are a lot of issues being referenced here....First, you clearly are attracted to men (which doesn't make you exclusively gay and I don't think you need to beat yourself up over the exact definition). The sooner you're OK with that fact the sooner you can find what you're looking for. Second, I think fetish might be the wrong word, but you have a penchant for certain types of men, such as transvestites and "effeminate" men. I think that's an important part of the equation when considering a relationship: if those sorts of guys are the ones you find most attracted and free around, they'll also be the sort you'll have the most successful relationships with. You remind me a lot of my first ex, as he too was struggling with his sexuality late in life and would flip flop between being gay and not. Many years later, he is OK with himself and is as happy and successful as he has ever been.
  • JP85257

    Posts: 3284

    Dec 09, 2009 3:53 PM GMT
    Gay. Just look for the glitter trail to make it official.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 09, 2009 4:00 PM GMT
    SolidRanger, perhaps part of it is the feeling that liking and loving transvestites is wrong. It's not wrong. It's real love. The world is wide and anything's possible. Transvestites are often wonderful people and they need love too.

    We both recommend you watch "The Crying Game"

    ...and this song is for you. It was written over 30 years ago....






    I think this movie is available in parts on Youtube




    -Doug of meninlove
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 09, 2009 4:02 PM GMT
    A HUGE problem... if you are genuinely confused and can only see this issue from two dissenting points of view is that you are enabling the feeling that there should be two sides and that you have to analyze each behavior with labels. I'm not a good enough friend to help you label yourself, nor anyone else who randomly responds to this forum, however almost every behavior you discussed was gay... but if that thought truly makes you uncomfortable, which is what was seemingly expressed in the last 2 paragraphs, then you have to think of the situation and yourself differently.
    Even down to the erectile difficulties it seems like you are making your body and your mind go in two different directions and its not whether you choose to be gay or straight that will make you happy, but if you are able to find out whichever option you can naturally agree with and then you will be able to look at your behavior and better understand your preference. I had this awkward straight vs. gay internal conflict for like 2 years then I just decided my heart and to speak in a vulgar manner, my cock as well, indicated one interest, but my ideals about religion and the perfect life and family values etc. kept me attracted to and dating women. I still didn't completely choose a straight or gay label but I'm open with myself and with the people who I feel are genuine and understanding. So maybe experiment more, don't think so hard about the books you read when you were a kid because at this point that's irrelevant, but think about if you will prefer to get it up and feel goosebumps and butterflies for the rest of your life, or if you will choose what just seems like the option you like. It's not that hard, just trust yourself and let your little head, your heart and your mind agree. Good luck bud!
    Jay
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 09, 2009 4:05 PM GMT
    SolidRanger,

    You don't necessarily have to answer all your questions right now. I'm not saying your situation isn't complicated and frustrating, but be patient.

    This is going to sound EXTREMELY cheesy and sappy (and it's unlike me to be so soft!), but I don't care because it means alot to me. I have a quote that I have lived with for many, many years that I still have pinned up on my wall that I truly believe can bring peace if you believe it and live it. It's helped me through some difficult moments in my life. It was written by a German poet and it's appeared all over the place.

    "Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves.

    "Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you, because you would not be able to live with them. And the point is to live everything.

    "Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer."


  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 09, 2009 4:50 PM GMT
    SolidRanger said

    But again, I have virtually zero experience with the gay lifestyle. I currently have no gay friends. I've never been to a gay bar. I don't have anyone to go with since I have no gay friends. Not to mention that the city's residence gay club, is not specifically gay and many straight people are regular there...including my brother and his girlfriend. So venturing out there could leave me having to explain to my brother why I'm there talking to gay dudes. I'd rather not be outted before I'm even convinced that I'm gay to begin with.


    You're talking about the Balcony, I assume. While it's a good fun club and I love that lots of people feel comfortable, this is one of the major problems with it being a, shall we say, "straight friendly" club; sort of cuts you off from it if you are not out yet. As an Idaho native (though I'm not there anymore), let me give you some tips on where you can go (maybe you already know all these).

    I don't know if you know of the other gay club in town, but though I never went I heard that The Emerald is supposed to be a great place; more relaxed than The Balcony and not so heavily attended by the straights, I believe.

    There are a couple places outside of the two big gay bars that could be of great use to you. One, of course, is the Flying M coffee shop on the corner of 5th and Idaho. The Flying M, besides being a great coffee shop, is a very popular gay hang out, especially Wednesday nights. From what it seemed to me, Wednesday night gay nights have tended to be becoming more of a much younger crowd (talking 16-19 young) so may be too young for you, but of course those aren't the only boys. The M is a good place to hang out and scope out cute boys and still be able to not draw suspicion by being there, since why shouldn't you hang out at a coffee shop?

    The other coffee shop that seems to have an older 20s crowd is Java, right down the street on 6th and Idaho. Beyond them having probably the best coffee in the city (do yourself a favor and get a Bowl of Soul if you're not already familiar with the place and its coffee), it's a popular place for the gays and draws, as I noted, an older 20s gay crowd.

    There's also the Red Feather, right next to Bittercreek Ale House. Beyond having a wonderful atmosphere with some of the best drinks in town, the Red Feather is not known as a gay bar, so if your friends or brother see you there it won't really mean anything. The bartenders there are almost always gay and it draws a lot of gay men to it, but as I noted no one you know will think twice if they see you there because it's reputation is not in any way connected to a gay clientele except for the fact that it's gay friendly.

    Those are 4 places that might be good for you to check out to get started. If you're a BSU student, there should be a GLBT organization on campus you can get acquainted with; if not then I'd try the places I suggested. You can try your hand at meeting boys at those places and still maintain plausible deniability. I hope some of these places help.
  • TexanMan82

    Posts: 893

    Dec 09, 2009 5:00 PM GMT
    Find you a hot guy and experiment. You'll probably affirm what you're already thinking in the back of your mind. That you're gay. And that's perfectly OK.

    And no, not everyone in the gay world is looking for their next fuck. I'm not saying we don't sometimes casually hook up, I mean, we are sexual beings after all. But, a lot of us just want to find Mr. Right. But, don't forget about Mr. Right Now. He can be tons of fun as well. Don't deny yourself or make yourself feel ashamed.

    You'll be OK. It may take a while before you can finally say, "I'm gay" and be totally OK with it. Don't beat yourself up over it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 09, 2009 5:00 PM GMT
    I think the first thing you need to do is go find a therapist to talk to. You need to ask for some help in sorting out some of the conflict you're experiencing. Being gay or straight isn't the issue, in my opinion, as much as is the frustration you're experiencing in needing to definitely label yourself. Nothing embarrassing about reaching out for a little help. Be open, honest and yourself and I'm willing to bet that you'll learn a lot about who you are and why you feel the way you do and the rest will fall into place. Good luck!
  • Little_Spoon

    Posts: 1562

    Dec 09, 2009 5:07 PM GMT
    HO SHIT, MAYBE YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE THINGS PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT.

    THE ILLUSIVE BISEXUAL!


    D:
  • Anto

    Posts: 2035

    Dec 09, 2009 5:10 PM GMT
    I would say you are gay with mental/emotional conflicts with being gay. I think your solution will come to dealing with the mental/emotional problems you are having with it, whether that be seeing a therapist or something you can work on your own.

    I think it's normal to feel a bit lost about it though since people are pretty much left on their own in regard to dealing with being gay. It can be really confusing for people that don't fit into the norm, even within the 'gay community'.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 09, 2009 5:21 PM GMT
    I'd say gay. The problem seems to be the general problem most closeted gay men have and that is reconcilation of there judeo-christain upbringing and the conflicts imposed by religion. Even if you don't consider yourself a religious person. You still have to reconcile with the type of upbringing you had and what you want.

    It is not easy and can lead to many years of counseling.

    Good luck with your search for your self. I think inside you know who you are but it is who you want people know that conflicts you. Does that make sense.
  • SolidRanger

    Posts: 108

    Dec 09, 2009 5:27 PM GMT
    Chewey_Delt said
    SolidRanger said

    But again, I have virtually zero experience with the gay lifestyle. I currently have no gay friends. I've never been to a gay bar. I don't have anyone to go with since I have no gay friends. Not to mention that the city's residence gay club, is not specifically gay and many straight people are regular there...including my brother and his girlfriend. So venturing out there could leave me having to explain to my brother why I'm there talking to gay dudes. I'd rather not be outted before I'm even convinced that I'm gay to begin with.


    You're talking about the Balcony, I assume. While it's a good fun club and I love that lots of people feel comfortable, this is one of the major problems with it being a, shall we say, "straight friendly" club; sort of cuts you off from it if you are not out yet. As an Idaho native (though I'm not there anymore), let me give you some tips on where you can go (maybe you already know all these).

    I don't know if you know of the other gay club in town, but though I never went I heard that The Emerald is supposed to be a great place; more relaxed than The Balcony and not so heavily attended by the straights, I believe.

    Those are 4 places that might be good for you to check out to get started. If you're a BSU student, there should be a GLBT organization on campus you can get acquainted with; if not then I'd try the places I suggested. You can try your hand at meeting boys at those places and still maintain plausible deniability. I hope some of these places help.


    Wow talk about a small world. Yeah, I'm talking about the Balcony. Thanks for the suggestions on places to check out, I'll look into them. I am a BSU student but I'm not sure if I'm ready to get involved with any GLBT orgs on campus yet.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 09, 2009 5:30 PM GMT
    The only man u should give premission to define u on any terms should be u yourself. Frm what I've read it sounds like ur attracted to effeminate gay men or tranny's. I think once ur open to accepting youself the rest will fall in place and present itself clearly.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 09, 2009 5:48 PM GMT
    SolidRanger said

    Wow talk about a small world. Yeah, I'm talking about the Balcony. Thanks for the suggestions on places to check out, I'll look into them. I am a BSU student but I'm not sure if I'm ready to get involved with any GLBT orgs on campus yet.


    Understandable that you may not be ready yet. But in case you ever are (and remember, LGBT organizations can often be just as much for people questioning their sexuality as for people who know their sexuality), here's the link to BGLAD's website, the BSU LGBT club. I was a College of Idaho student out in Caldwell and though I was president of the LGBT club there we never had much contact with the BSU club, so I can't testify as to how good they are, but it's always a possibility.

    One last resource--one that's finally opened apparently since I've been gone in this last year and a half--is The Community Center, out in Garden City (yikes, I mean I know it's cheaper out there, but Garden City?). Might be a good place to go and talk to someone, or if you're looking for any counseling or whatnot (as was suggested in this thread) they have a list of good, local, queer and questioning friendly counselors.

    ---EDIT---

    In my earlier post I pointed you to The Emerald, which is not the bar I was thinking of. I think that's more of the lesbian club. The one I was thinking of is the Lucky Dog
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 09, 2009 6:01 PM GMT
    Hey, man...

    First of all, healthy relationships go far beyond just factors of sex. How you relate to one another, the emotional support, expression of self, and validation support received are critical to the health and longevity of a romantic relationship.

    It takes years for people (gay or stricon_cool.gif to develop healthy relationship skills (while some people fail to develop any at all). Each relationship is unique and dynamic. So I would recommend approaching it from that standpoint - you've had a series of relationships with men and with women. In the grand scheme of things, as long as you're learning about yourself and how to relate to a person you love, that isn't wasted time.

    There really is no, nor should there be any, pressure to label yourself...especially if you feel constrained by those labels. Most people fall along different points of a continuum between the two poles of homosexual-heterosexual.

    I would recommend reflecting on what you want in a romantic partner (emotional needs), AND what you know you cannot live with in a relationship. Then, begin to evaluate potential romantic partners that way...and let physical attraction take care of itself.

    I hope this helps.

    Peace!
  • Fusion98102

    Posts: 164

    Dec 09, 2009 6:06 PM GMT
    I don't think I am in a position to say, based on a written account, whether you are gay or not. Do I think you have some inner conflict? Sure, but who doesn't? Maybe not about sexuality but everyone has some sort of inner struggle, it is part of life. My two cents are this: If you look deep enough, and strip away how you think others will perceive you, then you may see yourself in true light. One of the things I learned pretty young was that I was unique. And I don't mean gay, though I am. When you're young everyone tells you "youre special" or "youre unique." Our experiences and upbringings see to that. I actually grasped the concept at a young age and understood that I am different from every human on the planet. I never really weighed myself against others in terms of my identity. Anyway, my point being, dont over-analyze the responses you get here. Entertain these responses as a represention of how you may be perceived, but none of us are in your head, your mind, your thoughts so other than the brief column you gave us, none of us really know you. Best of luck finding yourself - when you do you will find that life can be much more rewarding since you have a more clear vision of what you want to get out of it. And kudos for having the courage to share your story. icon_lol.gif
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19129

    Dec 09, 2009 6:07 PM GMT
    Focus less on "Labels", and more on just being yourself and doing what feels right in your heart and mind. Where you fall within the vast sexual spectrum will become more clear with time and experience.