Nice guys... do they always finish last?

  • SwimmingDoc

    Posts: 115

    Dec 15, 2009 8:11 AM GMT
    Ok so I am a victim and an abuser I guess... I am a victim because I am a nice guy; caring, charming, respectful, passionate, etc and it's so hard for me to find someone to be with... I am the abuser becaue I am only attracted to men who are assholes, why is this? If a nice guy ask me out, I always reject if a tall douche bag comes up behind and ask im making plans the next second.... WHY IS THIS?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 15, 2009 12:04 PM GMT
    Some would say it has something to do with how you're probably genetically coded to respond more to androstenone (the bad boy pheromone) as opposed to androstedienone (the beta male pheromone).

    My personal experiences would suggest that it has its roots in a confused crossover between the manifestation or projection of our sexual fantasies onto people who we are really looking at for life partners which can sometimes be incompatible. However, it might be possible to have your cake and eat it too - find a nice guy who knows how to turn on the bad-boy in the bedroom. :-) Just my 2c.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 15, 2009 12:23 PM GMT
    I completely understand where your coming from...I have felt this way so many times....I wanted to write a big long explanation of how I have felt in the past but I think to sum it up short and sweet, quit being so dam nice.

    What I mean is....you can still be considerate but dont be afraid of going after what your looking for and dont settle for less. I think as nice guys we are always so afraid of hurting someone elses feelings and putting our feelings, wants and needs on the back burner....stop it! Put yourself first, be a man, know what you want and go after it....

    At the same time...dont judge a book by its cover, keep your options open...Sometimes when we meet someone that we think might not be "attractive" but get to know them the become attractive and they could be really nice!!! But vice versa also applies to that scenario.

    Figure out what exactly you want and put your feelings first...quit being so nice. I think alot of times guys are attracted to the confidence of "assholes" because they know what they want and they dont settle.

    Put your feelings first and go for it man..
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 15, 2009 12:24 PM GMT
    brokenbeats saidSome would say it has something to do with how you're probably genetically coded to respond more to androstenone (the bad boy pheromone) as opposed to androstedienone (the beta male pheromone).

    My personal experiences would suggest that it has its roots in a confused crossover between the manifestation or projection of our sexual fantasies onto people who we are really looking at for life partners which can sometimes be incompatible. However, it might be possible to have your cake and eat it too - find a nice guy who knows how to turn on the bad-boy in the bedroom. :-) Just my 2c.

    Very interesting comments, I didn't know about these pheromone distinctions. I have heard about subconscious attraction based on them, and may have experienced it myself, but wasn't aware it could be that selective between male behavioral types.

    I was going to speculate whether the OP is demonstrating a psychological manifestation of low self-esteem, that causes him to pass on men whom he perceives as being too "good" for him, in favor of men of less worth. But this other possibility you raise is very intriguing. Do you have some links to studies?

    To the OP, BTW: I can understand the mechanism if you DO have low self-esteem. We have a gay friend who was grossly overweight, but who worked to make himself quite trim & attractive today. Nevertheless, he seems to be stuck with this self-image of his former ugly duckling self, and he hooks up with these losers, when he could have winners.

    Impressive steady income, nice personality, talented, stable & reliable, good looks, a great friend of ours we trust implicitly, but his image of himself is very negative, and he picks substandard men he imagines he "deserves." Can this be what you are doing? Or is brokenbeats correct, and you're being literally led around by your nose?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 15, 2009 12:27 PM GMT
    not sure, but if you want out of that kind of thing, you know what to do... say yes the next time he nice guy asks you out and take a chance!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 15, 2009 12:32 PM GMT
    SAHEM62896 saidnot sure, but if you want out of that kind of thing, you know what to do... say yes the next time he nice guy asks you out and take a chance!

    Now there's a good answer that cuts to the chase! Just tell yourself to do it, and see what happens. So some guys won't be interested... is that the end of the world?

    You move on and drop bait again, like a fisherman does, knowing it takes many nibbles before you get a bite, and many bites before you haul in a keeper. Just don't go over your limit, 'k? icon_wink.gif
  • fitartistsf

    Posts: 638

    Dec 15, 2009 12:38 PM GMT
    This nice guy always has finished dead last... never had a relationship. Not for lack of trying. Don't know why, I'm not a player, or an asshole, and I have a lot of love to give. I guess I am just not lucky enough. I have come to the realization at 47, that I will be most likely alone for the rest of my life. I will always continue to look for someone, bit I fear that time is running out... As the saying goes... always a bridesmaid, never a bride. LOL
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 15, 2009 12:41 PM GMT
    brokenbeats saidSome would say it has something to do with how you're probably genetically coded to respond more to androstenone (the bad boy pheromone) as opposed to androstedienone (the beta male pheromone)...
    However, it might be possible to have your cake and eat it too .

    The usual way to do that is to date nice guys but hook up with bad guys. The problem is the difference between the two is not always immediately obvious.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 15, 2009 12:41 PM GMT
    What do you like about assholes? Answer this for yourself. You are good looking and as you say many gentleman qualities. RJ has lots of guys just as nice as you. Be a fisherman among men. Have you ever been fishing?
    Once you spend a day fishing, you will know what it is to be fisherman among men.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 15, 2009 12:51 PM GMT
    fitartistsf saidThis nice guy always has finished dead last... never had a relationship. Not for lack of trying. Don't know why, I'm not a player, or an asshole, and I have a lot of love to give. I guess I am just not lucky enough. I have come to the realization at 47, that I will be most likely alone for the rest of my life. I will always continue to look for someone, bit I fear that time is running out... As the saying goes... always a bridesmaid, never a bride. LOL



    That is my life, so far.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 15, 2009 12:57 PM GMT
    fitartistsf said I guess I am just not lucky enough.

    No, you just haven't been willing enough to get out there and take a chance on people who aren't immediately obvious prospects.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 15, 2009 1:01 PM GMT
    fitartistsf saidThis nice guy always has finished dead last... never had a relationship. Not for lack of trying. Don't know why, I'm not a player, or an asshole, and I have a lot of love to give. I guess I am just not lucky enough. I have come to the realization at 47, that I will be most likely alone for the rest of my life. I will always continue to look for someone, bit I fear that time is running out... As the saying goes... always a bridesmaid, never a bride. LOL

    I hate to hear this. I didn't even come out until I was turning 46, just a year younger than you are now. And it was the beginning of my "golden age" for over 10 years, of constant dates and hook-ups, BF's and a partner, too. Those 10 years were better than my entire life before, and they began at 46. Then at 58 I met my current partner, letting me take a break at last. LOL!

    Come on! You are very attractive, more than I ever was, and you live on the outskirts of one of the gay meccas in the US. What do you want, the guys delivered to your doorstep by UPS?

    Hell, when I lived in desolate North Dakota I had to drive 130 miles round trip over unlit 2-lane country roads, often through ground blizzards at 20 below, just to get to the nearest gay nightclub. You've got the goods, now flaunt them. And don't forget the fisherman analogy a couple of us have mentioned above. Not everyone will bite, but that keeper is out there, you gotta believe that. And until then, just have a helluva good time! icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 15, 2009 3:53 PM GMT
    im confused -- it seems like everyone is a nice guy and all the other guys are assholes?

    I say look to yourself to make a change. Being in a relationship is about compromise and the ability to bring someone into your life and put your 2 lives together.

    I think many of these guys who think they are sweet as pie and would make a perfect boyfriend could do a bit of soul searching to see if what they say is really accurate.

    I know with each relationship I have had, I learned something new about myself. I looked back on the experience and tried to grow from my mistakes. I suggest you do the same.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 15, 2009 4:14 PM GMT
    I think its more an issue of reciprocity than nice guy/asshole. A guy that is into you won't be an asshole. And sometimes we are the offenders of the very same thing we protest so adamantly. The nice guy you just rejected is probably thinking the same thing about you as you are about the asshole you're pining for.
    My point is, "That's dating". Sometimes we're the inadvertent asshole, sometimes we're the nice guy that gets walked on, and sometimes we're seen for who we are and are lucky enough to not get pigeon holed as neither.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 15, 2009 4:42 PM GMT
    Some people are assholes.Who cares about them?Being nice with everyone will always come back to you in a good way.It's called karma ;)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 15, 2009 4:51 PM GMT
    Swimmerboy saidOk so I am a victim and an abuser I guess... I am a victim because I am a nice guy; caring, charming, respectful, passionate, etc and it's so hard for me to find someone to be with... I am the abuser becaue I am only attracted to men who are assholes, why is this? If a nice guy ask me out, I always reject if a tall douche bag comes up behind and ask im making plans the next second.... WHY IS THIS?


    Yes, nice guys do finish last more often than not

    And because you are an idiot
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 15, 2009 4:56 PM GMT

    Nice guys may finish last, but during the extra time it took to reach the finish line, the not so nice "winners" have already squandered their ill gotten gain and and are being caught up with what goes around comes around. The nice guy finishes free and clear, no pay per do. The universe has it's methods. Mean People indeed do suck and do get theirs, believe it.

    You being into "jerks" is not cosmic pay back for being a bad person. It's a consequence of being attracted to "jerks". Stop it or don't stop it. Being treated like an old Chinese newspaper by someone who's number you had from as you put it, the first meeting, doesn't mean you're a bad person. It just means you'll be treated like an old Chinese newspaper by someone you knew was a jerk since meeting 1. As a wise person once told me : "stop handing your pearls to swine."


    ...............