Theory on gay dating behavior. Agree or disagree?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 15, 2009 10:23 PM GMT
    Recently, I've devised a theory which has helped me explain many of the gay phenomenon which I've been subjected to in the Chicago dating scene for the last few years. (haha, laughing at myself)

    It's hard not to note the maturity level in a lot of these men; not only their social interactions, but their ability to communicate and uphold a steady relationship.

    My theory? I think that it all has to do with late bloomers. This means many things. Late, as in many people were unable to come out until their 20's, 30's and beyond; thus dating was nonexistent or semi-concealed. There was no allowance of public expression or family acknowledgement, and therefore it created a social dampener; counter to most heterosexuals who openly crushed and dated since the beginning of Junior High (if not earlier).

    Now, years later, they're open and out and ready to "meet." They're just learning how to date at 20, 30, +; the maturity level for the most part is that of a young adult. It's very elementary and embarrassing to watch at times.

    Only a handful of people beat this idea. And, this idea doesn't seem to lift up until men have truly matured into their later years. So, I believe when I meet an older man, lets say in his 30s, he approaches me in a bar, and his interest and interpersonal conversation with me are similar to my 18 year-old sister, I sometimes have to put a slash next to number of observations.


    icon_idea.gif

    ~R.
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    Dec 16, 2009 1:16 AM GMT
    jprichva saidI think much of this is true.

    Everyone gets an adolescence. Historically, gay men have theirs later---sometimes much later---and since it occurs during the time when the personality is more or less formed (as opposed to the teen years when it is still somewhat fluid), a great many gay men get stuck as permanent adolescents.

    The lucky ones grow up, though.


    I completely agree, I've dated a few that were in their early to mid 30's who were no more mature than an 18 year old.
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    Dec 16, 2009 1:17 AM GMT
    I agree with this but it is def not true with me. I was a late bloomer but am very mature for my age and want something more than what a kid wants.
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    Dec 16, 2009 1:19 AM GMT
    Funny how I was having this conversation with someone just recently who lives in LA. Totally agree. Hoping I can thin out and bulk up by the time i'm 30!
  • Celticmusl

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    Dec 16, 2009 1:26 AM GMT
    Sure, I've talked to guys about this, and the late bloomers have brought up this issue.

    I dated some guy that I was pretty crazy about, and he felt the same for me. It was a couple of years ago and at the time he was in his very early thirties. Although he was in an exclusive long term dating type of situation with a guy for a few years, he was now single and becoming more comfortable with the idea of being gay.

    He was so sexually charged he wanted to go out and do it all, and with everyone. He admitted we had a great connection, but he knew his current promiscuity would not allow him to make a commitment to anyone. His belief was that he had bottled up his sexual gay tendencies for so many years that he needed to go out and experience it all.
  • gymingit

    Posts: 156

    Dec 16, 2009 1:28 AM GMT
    LOL OMG.... ok... different point of view here. I was in the military. I know pleanty of men gay, straight and all of the above that NEVER grow up. The military is actually one big baby sitter. They don't have to worry about anything. They have 3 meals a day and all their bills paid. Electric and a room to sleep in. Most get married and have their wife take care of paying the bills, still removing them from responsibility. They go in at 18 years of age and they retire with mentality of an 18 year old. I'm sure straight women wonder the same things and have their own theories.
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    Dec 16, 2009 1:29 AM GMT
    I don't think it's so much to do with dating it's self, I think it's got to do with society, how it views homosexuality, how we as children get exposed to homosexuality and then how we then take that exposure (usually negative) and direct it in towards our self...

    as we get older and start to struggle in accepting our selfs, I think that in a way stunts our emotional growth as a person which is reflected in all facets of our own lives, this I think is most obvious to everyone around us when we start dating or mingling with other men with the same sexuality.

    I say this because many men you all describe and being "immature dates" are immature in many many areas of there life not just dating and I don't think the "immaturity" settles down until the person has developed a stronger sense of self and all that represent.
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    Dec 16, 2009 1:56 AM GMT
    I would also add to that that there is a general lack of a sense of permanence in the community, probably driven by the idea that we can't marry, and therefore have no goal to work toward.
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    Dec 16, 2009 4:21 AM GMT
    i'd say that most gay men actually have their shit together much better than an average straight guy. for many reasons.

    dealing with adversity and lack of acceptance (perceived or experienced) is a very very quick way of growing up. having a sense of alone"ness" kinda gave me a lot more time be introspective and analytical as a kid. thankfully, i was able to get the right group of friends around and didn't feel lonely.

    having to often move away from home to live their lives, gays not have the luxury of relying on social and other networks. gay men are very often self-made men.

    as far as social interactions: i'd say gay men are no more childish than straight guys. yes, straight men often have a family to support, but just as often they only have the alimony to provide.... if you look at a group of straight guys after a six pack each and a group of gay ones, u'd see the same thing.

    i don't really buy a later bloomer theory either. i dated girls when i was younger, and i've learned how to interact with human beings before that. etc.
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    Dec 16, 2009 4:53 AM GMT
    I think this perpetual adolescence thing the stupidest theory ever!

    * sticks out tongue *

    * moons the OP *

    * makes fake fart noise in armpit *

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    Dec 16, 2009 5:08 AM GMT
    I agree that this is true of many of the guys I've met, and myself at one time. But I don't think this is exclusive of gay men. No way do I believe our hetero counterparts are leaps and bounds ahead of us when it comes to maturity and social skills.

    Don't let me ruin your fun in believing there is something better out there, though. icon_twisted.gif
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Dec 16, 2009 5:20 AM GMT
    For casual dating, gay men have it good. For a single woman looking for a single guy just to have a decent date once in awhile....good luck. I feel very sorry for my single sister, and she seems to deal with more serious issues with dating guys compared to what I've gone through.

    I think in the gay world there are a lot of guys that are "married" to their parents, or one parent. It might be part of the Peter Pan syndrome, which is straight vernacular, but I think it can be applied to many gay men.

  • Hunter9

    Posts: 1039

    Dec 16, 2009 6:26 AM GMT
    DISAGREE!.

    While we haven't had (as many) years of experience in the dating realm, we've had experiences that have matured us far beyond our straight brethren. sure, we may slip up and make a mistake that someone who's been dating since HS would no longer make, but in general I think we have a better feel for human relations.
  • jlly_rnchr

    Posts: 1759

    Dec 16, 2009 6:56 AM GMT
    Yeah, I think I kind of fit your generalization.

    I'm a late bloomer, in the sense that I didn't utter a thing to anyone about being gay until 24. And now I find myself inexperienced, out of practice, and nervous as hell when thinking of dating, things a heterosexual male is probably experiencing at 14. I wouldn't necessarily call that "immature" of me, though, or at least not in the potty humor context of immaturity. Hopefully I'll get a grasp sooner rather than later. I'm optimistic.
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    Dec 16, 2009 6:58 AM GMT
    jlly_rnchr said... And now I find myself inexperienced, out of practice, and nervous as hell when thinking of dating, things a heterosexual male is probably experiencing at 14.


    On the plus side, that makes you even more adorable.
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    Dec 16, 2009 7:23 AM GMT
    I see the problem as behavior linked to the ease of non personal communication ( phone, email, etc) Therefore, people don't really development any personal interaction skills.
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    Dec 16, 2009 9:04 AM GMT
    While the immaturity is true for most; you should also consider the overall emotional development of gay men verse our heterosexual counterparts.

    With the stunt in emotional development due to being "in the closet" for many years, once we come out and go through our kid in a candy store phase, many gay men actually advance faster emotionally than straight men. This could be due to the coming out process and how we really have to analysis who we are. Which many individuals don't really do to much later in like.

    Just a thought.....
  • MercuryMax

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    Dec 16, 2009 1:05 PM GMT
    I agree with this, however, its not always true. I've always dreamed of being a monogomy man and finding the right one to stay with since I was a kid, yet I didn't come out until I was 18 to some friends and 19 to my family.
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    Dec 16, 2009 2:23 PM GMT
    I agree........but all is not lost!

    Remember you are talking about a bar.....the scene....the booze..the nonsense etc. Most guys do act the same silly way no matter the age, but that's good, When that one guy walks in who is different, he's easier to spot because he stands out in the crowd, even though he may be alone in a corner. Its up to you to get up enough nerve and talk to him.

    And for every silly guy in a bar, there are 100 who are not in the bar. They are doing other things, having intelligent conversations somewhere, doing other social stuff. Or they may be at home, chilling.....or happily nesting with their man.
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    Dec 16, 2009 2:48 PM GMT
    KissingPro saidI agree........but all is not lost!

    Remember you are talking about a bar.....the scene....the booze..the nonsense etc. Most guys do act the same silly way no matter the age, but that's good, When that one guy walks in who is different, he's easier to spot because he stands out in the crowd, even though he may be alone in a corner. Its up to you to get up enough nerve and talk to him.

    And for every silly guy in a bar, there are 100 who are not in the bar. They are doing other things, having intelligent conversations somewhere, doing other social stuff. Or they may be at home, chilling.....or happily nesting with their man.


    I agree. I also feel after years of exploring and being in long relationships, (and not a gay many who enjoys boy parties, or boi anything), that one reason this has flared so huge in our culture, is the lack of good mentors and elders to teach us proper adolescence at a normal time. Most of the pain and heartache I have experienced inside gay culture comes from the sadness I watch and witness all the beautiful men who do not have a way to grow up without acting out. Its time gay men took a bit more responsibility for raising the people following in our footsteps. To me this is what is holding us back as a culture, and why the more mainstream cultures see us as lame. Now, if there is just a way to be in relationship with the men KissingPro is speaking about. It would take the aloneness away from so many awesome gay and bi beings, and sort out the tools from the adults.
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    Dec 16, 2009 2:50 PM GMT
    I agree, it seems to be my case.
    I also don't know how to approach guys.
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    Dec 16, 2009 2:52 PM GMT
    Let me think about it some more.... because as a late bloomer myself, I am not sure that everything you wrote fully applies.
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    Dec 16, 2009 3:09 PM GMT
    The "late bloomer" theory has truth to it. But I don't think it's conclusive. Many of my straight male classmates, all of whom are in their 20s, acted like 12 yr-olds at yesterday's happy hour. It was hilarious to watch. I was sober.
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    Dec 16, 2009 5:34 PM GMT
    jimbobthedevil saidI would also add to that that there is a general lack of a sense of permanence in the community, probably driven by the idea that we can't marry, and therefore have no goal to work toward.


    This I would have to STRONGLY agree with.
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    Dec 16, 2009 7:07 PM GMT
    Thank you all for the insightful comments on this thread.

    This is a great thread for me. I live a straight life, always have and I am 59. It was when I became a RJ member that a new world opend up for me. For the first week I was a teenager. So many great forum discussions, so many good looking, smart men of all ages and some well crafted profiles. My emotions were wild and I felt alive and loved being gay. The following week, my logic and sensibility kicked in. I read the forums to learn about me as well as other gays and their experience through the years from dating, sex, cooking, and so many more interesting topics.

    I am seeing things better as a mature gay man. I am fortunate that I have connected with a member on this site. WoW. There is a part of me that is still a teen, but I am settling down, but I don't every want to lose the joy of being gay, being free to become.

    Thanks again to members like you I am being transformed. I love the forum and so many points of view.