Shy?

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    Dec 19, 2009 10:06 AM GMT
    So I have this problem and would like YOU to give me tips icon_smile.gif

    Ok, so whenever a hot guy talks to me, I get nervous and then end up acting awkward and sometimes even come off as arrogant.. I usually don't even dare making eye contacts so I end up looking away as if I'm just plainly not interested (my friend told me this)

    The problem is, I am usually very talkative and friendly to everybody but not to all these hot guys because I just get nervous and shy..

    Any advice for me? I really hope I'll fix this problem soon cos I really don't want to be untouched for the rest of my life! icon_eek.gificon_eek.gificon_eek.gif
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    Dec 19, 2009 12:39 PM GMT
    It may get better with age, or it may not. Believe it or not, but in that kind of situation, I'm still very shy, and have never been the first one to make the move, and I'm an old bastard now, and still I'm shy in such situations. But here and at work you would never know this.

    I've done skydiving free fall a number of times, to make myself do something I did not won't to do, to step forward. The mental mind mush I'll go though be for I let go of that plane, and when I've done that. I'm in complete controle.

    As shy as I am, I feel so at ease up on stage, singing my heart out, even my soul sings when I do this, and I stand out for doing so, and I know it too.

    But I've noticed over the past 10 years I've started to become an island.
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    Dec 19, 2009 2:11 PM GMT
    I've been there! And, I am still to this day.

    I'm incredibly quiet and shy in person...(not that you'd be able to tell from some of my previous posts.) When first introduced to someone I evidently come across as very stand-off-ish. Hence the reason that I had such a hard time dating. Once I get comfortable it's a whole new situation. I had to rethink what I was doing.

    When you are out pretend and assume that absolutely nothing is going to happen with anyone. There's way too much pressure otherwise. Start with that mindset and you might do better. That will improve your eye contact a ton as well.

    If you are standing at a bar and someone says hello say "hello" back. Follow with a simple "how are you?" Maybe it's the retail in me...but start just by asking simple open-ended questions...questions that can't be answered with a yes or a no. It gets people to talk more and get comfortable.

    "Come here often?" Not open-ended...and just a dumb question.
    "How are you tonight?" Open-ended. It gets them to talk.
    "Would you like a drink?" Not open-ended...and also kind of lame.
    "What are you drinking?" Open-ended. Ask later once you talk more.

    The more you talk with someone the better it will get. Just read the signs. If the guy is interested and you are interested just keep on talking. =)
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    Dec 19, 2009 2:17 PM GMT
    ScottCLE saidI've been there! And, I am still to this day.

    I'm incredibly quiet and shy in person...(not that you'd be able to tell from some of my previous posts.) When first introduced to someone I evidently come across as very stand-off-ish. Hence the reason that I had such a hard time dating. Once I get comfortable it's a whole new situation. I had to rethink what I was doing.

    When you are out pretend and assume that absolutely nothing is going to happen with anyone. There's way too much pressure otherwise. Start with that mindset and you might do better. That will improve your eye contact a ton as well.

    If you are standing at a bar and someone says hello say "hello" back. Follow with a simple "how are you?" Maybe it's the retail in me...but start just by asking simple open-ended questions...questions that can't be answered with a yes or a no. It gets people to talk more and get comfortable.

    "Come here often?" Not open-ended...and just a dumb question.
    "How are you tonight?" Open-ended. It gets them to talk.
    "Would you like a drink?" Not open-ended...and also kind of lame.
    "What are you drinking?" Open-ended. Ask later once you talk more.

    The more you talk with someone the better it will get. Just read the signs. If the guy is interested and you are interested just keep on talking. =)


    Ditto. I second everything said above. I'm exactly in the same boat with all of you, and like you, iactuary, have been told to do the same foolishness. My advice is none different than that of ScottCLE. Well said.
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    Dec 19, 2009 2:29 PM GMT
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    Dec 19, 2009 2:48 PM GMT
    Im a little shy and found that if I just tell guys right upfront that "im a little shy" it breaks the ice, makes the conversation a little more relaxed.
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    Dec 19, 2009 2:51 PM GMT
    GIve it time.... it does dissipate as you get older.
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    Dec 19, 2009 2:57 PM GMT
    If someone told me that they were shy from the beginning I would WANT to keep talking with them. Not only is brave on their part...but, it's pretty f-ing adorable. And, it means that they're really trying to put forth an effort.
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    Dec 19, 2009 3:04 PM GMT
    Just be playful and enjoy being young.

    Your problems are due to a lack of self esteem? Is there anything you are insecure about.. besides the obvious that you are shy.
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    Dec 19, 2009 3:10 PM GMT
    Yeah, telling someone you're a shy is honest and upfront, and warming (to most guys). The only problem is getting your mouth to say those words in front of them. I have difficulty doing it, but if it was in a situation where we both know there's interest there, then it's easier. Whereas when I'm just talking to a guy and not sure which way to swing, it's much difficult, which is often the case since neither of us would be out about seeing other guys.
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    Dec 19, 2009 3:12 PM GMT
    ScottCLE saidIf someone told me that they were shy from the beginning I would WANT to keep talking with them. Not only is brave on their part...but, it's pretty f-ing adorable. And, it means that they're really trying to put forth an effort.

    Being upfront is also a sign of honesty, nothing worse than trying to fake thru a conversation and pretend to be something your not. Like Scott above said, I can't count how many guys find it an adorable quality. So many people try and be something they are not, if your outgoing, be outgoig, if your shy, be shy. Life is so much easier when you accept things about yourself and simply go with it
  • valhalla73

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    Dec 19, 2009 3:16 PM GMT
    I am a naturally shy person socially. The funny thing is that I do quite well in a work situation. As a computer geek, it makes it easy for me to just talk in facts and be friendly to get work done.

    It does get better with age. It wasn't until I got in my 30s that I got more comfortable with myself which helped socially. Just feel confident and friendly and the rest will fall into place. icon_biggrin.gif

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    Dec 19, 2009 3:21 PM GMT
    I think being honest with the guy is a good idea. Telling him that you’re shy and get a bit nervous is endearing, and lets him know that he needs to take his time with you. If he doesn’t have the patience, then its best he leave you alone.
    Sensitive people have a gift, not a problem. Your confidence will build in time.
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    Dec 19, 2009 6:10 PM GMT
    iactuary saidSo I have this problem ...


    Dear Shy,

    Ever study now Real Jocks get mentally prepared for a competition? Ever study how the Army, and Navy, and Coast Guard, teach young men how to jump out of perfectly good airplanes?

    Any accomplished athlete, Real Jock, Jarhead, or the like, knows that the big issue isn't being asked to walk into the unknown, but, the fear itself. Whether it's being in the closet, scared to advance to the next athletic, or academic, level, it's fear, and THE MIND, which you must manage.

    What the military does is to train you to wait in your response so it does not come from the base of your brain, and, instead, comes from the front of your brain. You do that through conditioning, and by letting yourself think just about 2 seconds before you do anything. Doing so will help you to walk into, beyond, through, and beyond. It's a skill you should learn now that will serve you well if you do.

    So much of being a Real Jock, or a military man, or accomplishing any goal that takes us out of our comfort zone involves managing that fear response in the base of our brains.

    Be realistic in your expectations, and allow yourself to like yourself. If you look at yourself and don't like what you see, change it.

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    Dec 19, 2009 8:16 PM GMT
    Well I think chuckystud has a good point. I find that my tendency to overthink absolutely everything leads me to talk myself out of approaching men. And I have had some truly ridiculous dates because I was incapable of being more comfortable - I honestly feel bad for what I've put some really amazing men through. Luckily I've come around 180 degrees, and think I'm great at small talk.

    What has helped me is making sure I have a couple talking points ahead of time, because once I get warmed up into a conversation it's easy to keep going. That's easy enough. Open with an appropriate compliment - "that shirt looks great on you, where'd you get it?" Small talk is a little painful, but make an effort. Nothing is worse than when I'm talking to someone and he gives nondescript, conversation-stopping replies. "So what have you done so far today in San Francisco?" "Nothing much, you know." Add detail, tell a story, smile.

    Of course I apparently don't get the full picture, because more frequently than not conversation starts with someone trying to be, umm, intimate with me instead of just saying "hello". Which I find rude, but not everyone apparently agrees. Take what you like and come up with your own communication style.
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    Dec 19, 2009 8:37 PM GMT
    I am sure you will get a lot of replies that say differently, but as a shy guy myself, I would encourage you not to put much pressure on yourself to be any different. I think a lot of the difficulty comes from our self-judgment and the idea that we should somehow do something different than what our bodies tell us. there is a lot to be said for letting yourself off the hook and owning your shyness. if you let it be, you'll be more relaxed which might end up bringing more guys to you than if you're forcing yourself to be some contrived version of "friendly and approachable." when i was younger, i felt like i "should" talk more, i "should" approach more people - and now i just say fuck it. i have much less of a problem being quiet and owning that space. not everyone is built to be outgoing. there is a real place for quieter, reserved people. a lot of guys do find it cute/turn-on when they know they have to work a lil harder to get you to open up.
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    Dec 19, 2009 8:43 PM GMT
    I spent 11 years in commercial broadcasting. Like it, or not, the hallmark of a good broadcaster is knowing what he is going to say minutes ahead of time.

    Conversation is an art of being provocative and being able to listen. Knowing when to do either has to come intuitively.
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    Dec 19, 2009 9:18 PM GMT
    OK romance experts. I have a question.

    I tend to be shy or apprehensive about approaching a guy because of this:

    Let's say you get up enough nerve to talk to someone and he begins to relax and starts to become very interested. What if you find that he's not what you thought and you want to get OUT of the conversation without being rude?

    Any tips?

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    Dec 19, 2009 11:33 PM GMT
    I strongly disagree - I think we change and grow by responding to adversity, and while it's fine to phrase it as "owning a space" in order to mask the frustration the OP is talking about, he probably wouldn't have put up the question if he weren't fed up with that state of affairs. Plus I think everyone should work on being better conversationalists. I can't tell you how many guys I've gone out with, and had to drag conversation out of them for hours. Then at some point in the future we'd bump into each other and they'd wonder why it never worked out between us. Of course I have to find a way to say that it was because nice as they were, it was practically dentistry trying to pull conversation from them.

    I guess in some ways I understand that life is about figuring out what you need to change, and what you can live with. But having suffered from this problem, I can say that I am absolutely glad that I've gotten over it. That being said, I'm glad you've found a solution that works for you.

    innerathlete saidI am sure you will get a lot of replies that say differently, but as a shy guy myself, I would encourage you not to put much pressure on yourself to be any different. I think a lot of the difficulty comes from our self-judgment and the idea that we should somehow do something different than what our bodies tell us. there is a lot to be said for letting yourself off the hook and owning your shyness. if you let it be, you'll be more relaxed which might end up bringing more guys to you than if you're forcing yourself to be some contrived version of "friendly and approachable." when i was younger, i felt like i "should" talk more, i "should" approach more people - and now i just say fuck it. i have much less of a problem being quiet and owning that space. not everyone is built to be outgoing. there is a real place for quieter, reserved people. a lot of guys do find it cute/turn-on when they know they have to work a lil harder to get you to open up.
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    Dec 19, 2009 11:49 PM GMT
    I'm not talking about "masking" frustration, I'm talking about being comfortable as you are - two very different things.

    Having said that, I will agree that if the OP thinks he is naturally an outgoing person who is actively holding himself back, then that might be something he wants to challenge. I know for me that is not the case. I am naturally quiet and fine to be that way. Also, I'm a good conversationalist when I want to be. Again, it's just about feeling where you're comfortable and being okay with that as opposed to trying to be something you're not.
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    Dec 20, 2009 1:42 AM GMT
    I still hear that I come off as unapproachable, so that's something I need to work on. I don't suppose anyone has tips on that one?

    kevinsbeach saidLike many on here have said, that generally tends to fade as you get older, but you have to do the work. The self work and challenging yourself kinda thing. I've overcome shyness a long time ago, yet I'm still somewhat of a reserved individual, sometimes too confident, look you in the eye, direct, but I've discovered over time that with many that had or have approached me in person that it took awhile for them to do that, because my reserved exterior makes me seem a bit cold and unapproachable, but warms up later. That's my thing to work on, not necessarily the shyness part, but the showing that I'm not actually cold part. You're self aware so that's a start in the right direction.
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    Dec 20, 2009 4:16 AM GMT
    Exactly. I think a lot of people really make situations a lot more uncomfortable than they need to be.

    jprichva said
    KissingPro saidLet's say you get up enough nerve to talk to someone and he begins to relax and starts to become very interested. What if you find that he's not what you thought and you want to get OUT of the conversation without being rude?
    Any tips?

    Yes.
    What would you do if you were interviewing for a job and suddenly realized that it was entirely wrong for you and you wanted to leave?

    You wait for a lull in the conversation, extend your hand, shake his warmly, and say, "It's been great getting to know you a bit. Thanks."

    Smile. Get up. Leave. No further explanation necessary. But do it cordially.
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    Dec 20, 2009 4:36 AM GMT
    Push through the shyness as best you can. Always stand up straight, head up and look into their eyes and smile. I use to be extremely shy, but as you practice you just stop being as shy.
  • GQjock

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    Dec 20, 2009 1:54 PM GMT
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