Coming Out

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 20, 2009 12:44 AM GMT
    What is a guy in the closet to do when he risks losing his family, his friends, his religion--basically his life as he knows it by coming out? Would you argue that it is better for him to simply live his sad, lonely, miserable life in the closet to prevent hurting others and losing all he has? Or should he say "Tata!" to the only support system he’s ever known for just the mere possibility that one day, Mr. Right could come along and offer, perhaps, a bit of relief from his hellish life?

    Why:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHZ51NZwexc
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    Dec 20, 2009 12:49 AM GMT
    shytheguy saidWhat is a guy in the closet to do when he risks losing his family, his friends, his religion--basically his life as he knows it by coming out? Would you argue that it is better for him to simply live his sad, lonely, miserable life in the closet to prevent hurting others and losing all he has? Or should he say "Tata!" to the only support system he’s ever known for just the mere possibility that one day, Mr. Right could come along and offer, perhaps, a bit of relief from his hellish life?


    If your family are assholes, you don't want nor need them.
    If your friends are assholes, you don't want nor need them.
    If your false belief systems are assholes, you should get rid of them.

    If you like being miserable, then, do nothing.

    If you're tired of a self-inflicted miserableness, then, time for a positive change.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 20, 2009 1:03 AM GMT
    Find a gay or gay friendly therapist to talk to about coming out. It's not all or nothing. There are many different stages of coming out and each one is done at your pace and comfort level. I came out when I had a wife and 3 small children. It wasn't easy but life has been so much better being honest with myself.
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    Dec 20, 2009 1:04 AM GMT
    Make new friends so you're not completely abandoned when you come out.

    shytheguy saidWould you argue that it is better for him to simply live his sad, lonely, miserable life in the closet to prevent hurting others and losing all he has?


    Losing all he has? Doesn't sound like he has much...
  • jlly_rnchr

    Posts: 1759

    Dec 20, 2009 1:10 AM GMT
    shytheguy saidWhat is a guy in the closet to do when he risks losing his family, his friends, his religion--basically his life as he knows it by coming out? Would you argue that it is better for him to simply live his sad, lonely, miserable life in the closet to prevent hurting others and losing all he has? Or should he say "Tata!" to the only support system he’s ever known for just the mere possibility that one day, Mr. Right could come along and offer, perhaps, a bit of relief from his hellish life?


    I'd say that while it is a big risk, it's probably not going to be as bad as the worst case scenario he just presented.

    I'd tell him there are other religions out there, more open-minded and accepting. I'd say his family and/or friends probably have an inkling that maybe he's less than straight, and have considered this possibility and have already come to terms with it. I'd explain that his life might not be "lost" but get substantially better. And that coming out is not about "hurting others" but helping yourself.

    And it's not all or nothing, this person can take it slow if he needs to.
  • DrobUA

    Posts: 1331

    Dec 20, 2009 1:32 AM GMT
    I think he'd be surprised at how little he'd actually lose.

    I thought I'd lose most my friends, I lost none.
    I thought my family wouldn't approve, they just wanted me to be happy.
    As for religion, look into why you believe what you believe and do you truly agree with what you are told to believe.
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    Dec 20, 2009 1:44 AM GMT
    shytheguy saidWhat is a guy in the closet to do when he risks losing his family, his friends, his religion--basically his life as he knows it by coming out? Would you argue that it is better for him to simply live his sad, lonely, miserable life in the closet to prevent hurting others and losing all he has? Or should he say "Tata!" to the only support system he’s ever known for just the mere possibility that one day, Mr. Right could come along and offer, perhaps, a bit of relief from his hellish life?

    Your family has known you from infancy and therefore they know you better than anyone. They must already have figured out that you're different. No matter how conservative they are, they have invested too much time and effort in raising you not to keep on loving you no matter what.
    Mr. Right may or may not come along, but you'll find many new friends who will support you and love you for who you really are. There's a life out there that's richer than you can imagine. You just have to step out there and take it.
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    Dec 20, 2009 1:52 AM GMT
    You can't "lose everything" by being honest about yourself about being gay. If you are not honest, you have already surrendered your self-esteem .. and you are not going to find it in a little bottle (even though the picture is funny) icon_biggrin.gif .. most people over exaggerate the dread of coming out.

    You can come out whenever, but postponing it will only add pressure and stress for you. You gotta do things at your own pace, but eventually you will have to be one person and not a man wearing a mask.

    Remember, they are the ones that have the problem, not you. I am sure you can "rise" to the occasion icon_redface.gif (profile pun intended)
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    Dec 20, 2009 1:58 AM GMT
    shytheguy saidWhat is a guy in the closet to do when he risks losing his family, his friends, his religion--basically his life as he knows it by coming out? Would you argue that it is better for him to simply live his sad, lonely, miserable life in the closet to prevent hurting others and losing all he has? Or should he say "Tata!" to the only support system he’s ever known for just the mere possibility that one day, Mr. Right could come along and offer, perhaps, a bit of relief from his hellish life?


    If a guy's support system abandons him for something like this, then they were never really a support system to begin with.

    Yes, your life can change radically, and sometimes that means hurt will be part of it. But, providing that you accept and love yourself, realize that there's nothing wrong with who you are or what you want, the change is largely positive. You'll build new bonds along the way that will hopefully last a lifetime. The key is loving yourself though. Even Mr. Right can't fill that void, and you should never invest all your happiness in a single person that isn't you.

    Life is entirely too short to be miserable, to hide all that you are, and as best as we know, you only have one shot at it. Be free.
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    Dec 20, 2009 3:07 AM GMT
    Hurting others is a fallacy. You're not responsible for how they feel and it's not your problem they think that way.

    What moral ground do they hold? None. Morality is based on hurting one another and if they can't accept one of their own for being gay (which has no moral degradation to it) then that's their problem, their barrier, their insecurity, their hinge on life that keeps them in the dark.



    The belief system is as they see it. Not you.
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    Dec 20, 2009 3:45 AM GMT
    gayfotoman saidFind a gay or gay friendly therapist to talk to about coming out. It's not all or nothing. There are many different stages of coming out and each one is done at your pace and comfort level. I came out when I had a wife and 3 small children. It wasn't easy but life has been so much better being honest with myself.


    Integrity, is, by almost any measure, a better attribute than deceit, and denial.
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    Dec 20, 2009 3:45 AM GMT
    makavelli saidHurting others is a fallacy. You're not responsible for how they feel and it's not your problem they think that way.

    What moral ground do they hold? None. Morality is based on hurting one another and if they can't accept one of their own for being gay (which has no moral degradation to it) then that's their problem, their barrier, their insecurity, their hinge on life that keeps them in the dark.



    The belief system is as they see it. Not you.


    A very wise comment, in my opinion.
  • SanEsteban

    Posts: 454

    Dec 20, 2009 4:09 AM GMT
    DrobUA saidI think he'd be surprised at how little he'd actually lose.

    I thought I'd lose most my friends, I lost none.
    I thought my family wouldn't approve, they just wanted me to be happy.
    As for religion, look into why you believe what you believe and do you truly agree with what you are told to believe.


    My experience was exactly the same as DrobUA.

    There is always fear of the unknown but after it was all said and done, I just sat there and thought, "You mane that's it??? That wasn't nearly as bad as my mind had it made out to be!"

    I lost no one in my life, no one reacted unfavorably and what a relief it is to be able to be yourself!
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    Dec 20, 2009 7:54 AM GMT
    It was rough at first, but it got better. Now it's done and everyone is used to it. My brother decided not to come out and it's stressful for him, he has to lie and sneak around and "arrange" things. Life is very challenging without complicating it with all kinds of mysterious "arrangements" - you know the kinds of things that need to be done to maintain the closeted situation.
    My family and friends were confused and pissed, I had lots of girlfriends and they thought it was some kind of a choice. I had to educate them - it was a pain in the ass. Anyway, I held my ground and now I have respect (mostly) and hosnesty. I wouldn't trade it for anything - it was worth the trouble and the risk.
    P.S. I have lost some friends and family members, but I rarely even think about them.
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    Dec 20, 2009 8:08 AM GMT
    i have to agree with the 'it's rough at first' claim... but the initial roughness may be much less than you expect.
    The best thing about coming out is that, even if it's rough at first, it allows you to build a happier and more authentic life. you dont have to feel like you're hiding shit. You dont have to feel like you could loose the people that you know and love around if only they knew your secret.
    You begin to be validated in a very real and meaningful way again and it allows one to reinvision a life.. a life of happiness rather than desperation.
    hang in there its rough, but coming out slowly and at first to those you trust is a risk which is most often worth taking.
    I would also suggest that there are always more people who will take you in and love you. If anyone doesnt like you because ur gay they didnt deserve you in the first place and there are better people for you to live your life surrounded by.
    hang in there and hope all goes well for you
  • J450N

    Posts: 75

    Dec 20, 2009 8:40 AM GMT


    "It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change." - Charles Darwin

    Change is scary. It challenges our intellect, our skills and capabilities, our emotions, our sense of well-being. That's why many people - even smart, capable people - avoid change; particularly in key areas like careers and relationships.

    When opportunities show up in your life, they require that you change to take advantage of them. And that's the challenge.

    Fear of change is why people follow careers that don't sync with their passions. Fear of change is why people stay in bad relationships. Fear of change is why people live unfulfilled, desperate lives.

    But not you. You adapt, become stronger, and move ahead. And though you may experience fear and doubt, you walk away from the center of conformity, and move to the edge. You take advantage of opportunities. You grow, expand, and experience greater joy and fulfillment in your life.
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    Dec 20, 2009 12:03 PM GMT
    shytheguy saidWhat is a guy in the closet to do when he risks losing his family, his friends, his religion--basically his life as he knows it by coming out? Would you argue that it is better for him to simply live his sad, lonely, miserable life in the closet to prevent hurting others and losing all he has? Or should he say "Tata!" to the only support system he’s ever known for just the mere possibility that one day, Mr. Right could come along and offer, perhaps, a bit of relief from his hellish life?


    You're all wasting your time. Shytheguy and I had a long chat about this a couple weeks ago after he sent me an IM. I really feel for anyone who suffers through the life-altering decision of coming out. I empathize with them and the effects it can have on their family, friends, and significant others. Honesty and integrity are always best, but I don't have the moral authority to condemn people who are afraid of truth. If that truth only affects the person in the closet, I feel that facing that truth in the open is a personal decision that must be made with thought, care, and consideration. When their homosexual truth affects others directly (i.e., the wife they lie to and sleep with after they have sex with a man, a partner who thinks is in a monogamous relationship with the culprit, etc), then the my views on this matter change.

    I empathize with people who struggle with facing their truth, what I do not sympathize with are people who hurt others intentionally, complain endlessly and ask for advice they don't intend to listen to, wallow in self-pity and want to bring others down with them, and lie willingly to all who kindly take time from their own lives to support a soul they deem is troubled. Also, please someone raise their hand if they like people who lie and cheat, get caught lying, and continue to lie to a person's face even after they are caught in the act of lying. angry003.gif

    Most people here are decent and just want to help. That speaks volumes of the community in this site. There are quite a few assholes everywhere, but most people are kind and just want equality for all regardless of their sexual orientation. There are all kinds of personalities and characters, and while guys here are always finding ways to bicker with each other about something, I think deep inside they are just good people with very deep-rooted beliefs they are willing to stand for. With the exception of very few, I would like to believe that even when guys here disagree and send each other verbal bombs and the occasional mean comment, they would all lend each other a helping hand if they found the other in need. At least this is what I'd like to believe. Call me naive, but I really do think most people are decent even when they disagree strongly about opinions. This belief I have also extends to most people out there as well. I know many of you don't think this is possible, but I do think that most gays are good people, most Christians are good people, most men and women are good people, most Muslims are good people, and so forth. There are, of course, bad apples in every group you can think of.

    A few days ago, I posted a stern comment on a post with a similar theme. It came from a guy who fit under one of the categories of people I don't sympathize with. I really didn't go off on him because of his homosexual struggle. If you read the post, you know why I went off on him. However, this is another one of those cases. After talking to this guy for quite sometime a couple of times, I can say that he doesn't want to be helped. There are just too many lies about shytheguy and I will spare all of you because it really doesn't matter. My advice to him is to do a search for forum topics about coming out and stop deceiving the very decent people here about his own situation. I really can't stand liars. Out of respect for my private conversations with him, I won't say more. Shytheguy, I wish you luck with whatever you decide, but stop lying to people here. They simply don't deserve it. Before you contemplate getting honest with others, the first thing you should do is take a look at you and get honest with yourself. icon_rolleyes.gif6.gif
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Dec 20, 2009 1:40 PM GMT
    I agree with college on this one
    Looking at shy's profile I saw that he hails from Salt Lake City
    which makes it very likely that he's a Mormon
    Now shy.. you'll be the one who has to verify that or not but
    if he is a Mormon
    Then he is right, he very well WILL lose his family and friends over this issue
    I sympathize with you shy
    and I am not going to tell you what you should do
    You are the only one who can say what will be best for you
    Are you willing to live in the closet and be "heterosexual" to your family
    or are you willing to give SOME of them up to live your life
    I say some because eventually some people will come around after the shock wears off

    I saw a One man play a while back about a Mormon guy who went thru a whole lot of crap
    Here is his website and see the play if you can
    Best of luck with this

    http://www.mormonboy.com/


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    Dec 20, 2009 2:45 PM GMT
    J450N said

    "It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change." - Charles Darwin

    Change is scary. It challenges our intellect, our skills and capabilities, our emotions, our sense of well-being. That's why many people - even smart, capable people - avoid change; particularly in key areas like careers and relationships.

    When opportunities show up in your life, they require that you change to take advantage of them. And that's the challenge.

    Fear of change is why people follow careers that don't sync with their passions. Fear of change is why people stay in bad relationships. Fear of change is why people live unfulfilled, desperate lives.

    But not you. You adapt, become stronger, and move ahead. And though you may experience fear and doubt, you walk away from the center of conformity, and move to the edge. You take advantage of opportunities. You grow, expand, and experience greater joy and fulfillment in your life.


    WOW….truly…WOW

    How is it you’re only 22?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 20, 2009 3:21 PM GMT
    Some people have good attitudes towards coming out while others do not.