Residual emotion long after the break-up

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 24, 2009 9:22 PM GMT
    Okay, here's the scoop...

    It's taken some time, but my life has really turned around in the months since the ex and I parted company. I've had some time to inventory my part in how things came undone, and have been making sincere amends whenever and wherever possible. It's done wonders for me, and we do seem to be gettting along better.

    The really interesting part is that my life has actually taken a turn for the better in the last few moths.... and his life, strangely enough, appears to have taken a turn for the worse. He's struggling financially, while I have gotten a small windfall. He's had to move out of his apartment building because of a major drug bust involving one of his neighbors, while I have been really secure and cozy in my new place, and enjoying the fact that the tenant who is renting our house is interested in buying it. His job is the sandpaper on his soul and he can't get out of it, while I've been getting interviews left and right, it seems (no offers yet, but still that may change). I've seen more of my family since we broke up, while he has made every effort not to see his own for some odd reason. And while I am enjoying the freedom and contentment of being a single guy, he (for whatever reason) has hitched his wagon to another guy who has no idea what a user and a loser the man was.

    I don't miss the lies, the physical and verbal abuse, and the constant (and obviously unnecessary) worrying that he's going to continue to screw me over. And for whatever it's worth, I have a lot of pity for the new guy in his life; he has no idea what kind of insanity he has in store for him.

    So why the hell did I get so sad this morning when he randomly came to mind? It was the most bizarre thing... I actually cried.

    Part of it is because it's the first holiday season I've had to spend "alone" since the break-up, I'm sure. Some of it, I am just as sure, is just the fact that I am making plans to return his damned cat to him soon. Some of it is probably just due to stress that has nothing to do with him at all. I don't know... but this is normal, right guys?

    Again, I already know the answer and I am really okay... I just need to check that thinking with people who are not as emotionally involved in my life as I am, I guess.

    Respond if/when/how you please.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 24, 2009 9:42 PM GMT
    I think it is normal for you to react the way you are.
    You probable had a dream of the future with this guy and now the dream is dead and you’re grieving that death.
    On top of that you most likely feel a little guilty that you’re doing so much better than he is.
    Guilt is normal also; however, you need/must look out for yourself.

    A good cry can be cathartic.


    Good luck to you and marry Christmas.

    p.s. keep the kitty…
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    Dec 24, 2009 11:14 PM GMT
    Because you had a dream and a hope with him and there were things that happened between you and him that were beautiful, despite the bad.

    Because even though he was/is a fuckwad, it bothers you that he (and people in general) can be in such pain and misery and unhappy.

    Because for your own sake, you can't continue to care about him and that hurts and you had to let go.

    Because he really did try to hurt you and bring you down and it hurts to think that you didn't see if sooner.

    Because you hope you don't make the same mistake again and wonder if there are good guys out there......and you are on your own now.

    Return the kitty to him. It may be one of the few things in his life that can give him happiness right now....and maybe its better to sever all ties now. If you want, get a new kitty that is all yours.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 25, 2009 1:00 PM GMT
    I hear you on this one. I just ended a 11y somewhat abusive relationship, even a year later and sometimes I still get random thoughts and memories that popup from time to time, had one a few days ago that started the tears flowing. Even though it started off as an incredible loving relationship and ended with my being putdown and controlled (sleeping with the enemy > my life story) and with all the negative emotions and feelings I've had to deal with and work thru, the blessing is that I came out a stronger person with a newsense of self and passion for life and surrounding myself with a few selective friends and those who are truly honest and caring people. Yes,I went thru all the stages of emotions and was able to forgive him ad move on, but that damn little emotional trigger pops up everyonce in a while, no clue why, just does, but it gets better
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    Dec 25, 2009 1:20 PM GMT
    Wow… I think I could have written that almost verbatim. I don’t know if I have any good advice to give, mainly because I’m in a similar situation as you are (with the addition that I knew the guy my ex is currently dating before he did, and even tried to warm him what a jerk he actually is when he doesn’t get his way, but those warnings have gone unheeded). Bet let me give this a shot…

    I will say this. Each of us has a different way we cope with loosing someone significant in our lives. For me it takes awhile before I let go and move on. Some guys, like the ones I usually date, seem to be able to do so as easily as turning the lights off in a room. Not me, I was never able to do that.

    But eventually time will allow you to get past the feelings, and you will move onto better times and a better man in your future. I know it’s old and overused advice, but it’s still pretty valid.

    Also keep this in mind...

    “When one door closes another door opens, but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.”
    - Alexander Graham Bell –

    It’s probably meant for something other than relationships, but I think it’s just as valid.

    Rick
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 25, 2009 1:31 PM GMT
    You already have the answers.

    It's okay to feel the way you do, especially during this time of the year, but with the new year comes new opportunities. It's time to put away the old baggage and forge ahead. You won't be able to start a new foundation for yourself if you're still building upon the old.

    xo, me
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    Dec 25, 2009 2:11 PM GMT
    Everyone here has great advice and you can see the running theme: Give yourself time - both to heal, and to grieve. My therapist kept stressing the latter - we are going to grieve the end of our dream - our fantasy hopes we had for our futures with these people. It's perfectly natural.

    I, too, just recently ended an 11 year monogamous relationship with someone (August '09). Fortunately he was a very sweet and loving person that never did me wrong intentionally... and I've no doubts we will eventually be able to spend time together as friends. But the last time I saw him for dinner (October) I was a complete blubbering mess hours and days afterward. So - even though I feel quite "separated" and independent, I'm obviously emotionally vulnerable and need more time away from him. I just wish I knew how long this process would take - I miss our friendship and rapport.

    You seem like a really sweet guy - be well - you have my/our support. icon_smile.gif

    Happy Holidaze to all of you!!!
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    Dec 25, 2009 2:17 PM GMT
    Thanks guys... lots!

    Like I said.... just needed to process it. Already feeling much better. It's amazing what a Christmas party and a good night of sleep with a full tummy will do for you.

    Merry Christmas to those of you who celebrate!
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Dec 25, 2009 3:47 PM GMT
    Anytime a relationship ends
    even though we know that it was bad for us
    we need some time to process and mourn its loss
    Like someone said we have to mourn the lost hope the lost love
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 25, 2009 4:03 PM GMT
    People heal in different ways and at different times. Give yourself the time

    I'm curious about the physical and verbal abuse though. How often did you allow this to happen and why?
  • jrs1

    Posts: 4388

    Dec 25, 2009 4:15 PM GMT

    you've seemed to have started to take your lot and examine it.
    a comparison here is not entirely necessary, but if it helps you to code
    what's ' left, ' so be it.

    you two seem to be on separate paths that have fissured. whatever kept you
    with this ruffian for so long probably came back when thinking of this day and how you may have to spend it without him.

    in our darkest moments we learn quite a bit about our own nature(s).
    so whatever happened between you two ... your moment of clarity and who
    you are now is because your two worlds collided and the impact has left a
    mark.

    the first sign of a healthy return to being is that you've not only taken the time
    to look back a moment and examine, but to share with others who may
    have also had a similar experience or to those who can help shed light
    in the cracks that are inevitably missed.



  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Dec 25, 2009 4:23 PM GMT
    It means you're human. Would you rather wake up one morning and feel nothing about the situation like some robot? Of course not. At least it shows that you have genuine emotions and feelings for other people in your life, that's definitely a good thing....although sometimes it doesn't really feel good.

    I still have tons of little emotional scars from an LTR that ended years ago. I still have nightmares about the ex.... literally. If someone tells you they have "no baggage" then they either live in their own little bubble, they've never had a relationship, or they are lying. For me it has taken years to even start getting close to people again, but my LTR was quite a few years ago. Some say however long the relationship was, is the time you need to get over the relationship. I think to an extent this is true.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 25, 2009 5:50 PM GMT
    Perhaps you cried for the you you used to be...a compassionate cry for the man that struggled so hard to make things work.

    I've been there -Bill

    Merry Christmas from Doug!
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    Dec 25, 2009 5:55 PM GMT
    So this thread actually helped me as well. haha.

    I hate to admit it but I use to be a serial dater, went from one relationship to another. But the last one....it hurt, and I'm still dealing with it.

    Like you, I know things are better without him, and like you, he's moved onto some other guy, and so I should move on. But I find myself thinking about him from time to time and I still get sad....and angry at times.

    All in all...it's normal to get like this. Especially during the holiday season. It just means they meant something; that it wasn't just another blow off relationship.

    But yea....cheery up, and have a Happy Holiday. Merry Christmas. icon_smile.gif

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    Dec 27, 2009 12:51 AM GMT
    I think your response was completely normal, it's only human. Your post was quite touching. I, too, am recently out of a relationship that I now realize was emotionally abusive. I also pity anyone that ends up with him, but pity him more as I heal from the trauma. I guess that is part of moving towards forgiveness. With that being said, I have definitely learned a lot about myself, am taking ownership for my shortcomings and am making peace with the relationship. It takes time to not only move on and grieve the loss of the relationship and future you had imagined, but also to forgive yourself.

    I don't know if you have recurring images of abuse or just the usual struggles of dealing with a breakup. I was diagnosed with PTSD several months ago and just started EMDR therapy last week. One session has been like a miracle moving past him. It's like my memory of some of the events has been completely erased even though I still know that it happened and was hurtful. I highly recommend it if you've been in an abusive relationship.

    When I left my ex, I left our dog with him. I decided that our pet was not going to be the glue that kept us connected. You may wanna make your peace with the animal that you love and give him back. It's difficult, but it seems like the last thing that you need to "let go" of him. You can also give him a 1 time choice to take the cat. If he doesn't want it, then consider him yours.

    Best wishes for a happy new year,
    You are not alone...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 28, 2009 2:20 PM GMT
    Thanks again guys for all your help. I'm taking the cat back to him today.... a 600 mile drive to and fro to finally sever this one last tie. I suppose it's worth it; I just wish I felt a lot better about it.

    Keep me in your thoughts, fellas! It's a long drive and the weather ain't the best!
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    Dec 29, 2009 5:16 AM GMT
    I'm stuck on that fact that you let another man physically beat you down! After I was through wearing his ass out with Mr Louisville Slugger, he would be thinking more about me than me thinking about him! I'm sorry for your loss. Kick the dust off of your feet, and move on...easier said than done, I'm sure. I pray the best for you and another guys going through this same stuggle.